Doing It Right (17/19)
Title: Doing It Right, Chapter 17: In Vino Varietas (In Wine, There is Variety), Part 1
Author: creedogv
Rating: T
Summary: Santana has been given the opportunity to correct her past mistakes with Brittany, so she can’t help but take it. Brittany’s agreed to dump Artie, but it might take a little libation for Santana to win her heart for good.
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Word Count: ~5200/9700
Spoilers: 2x14 “Blame It on the Alcohol”
Author’s Note: This chapter is M. Mostly for the whole “sex isn’t dating” thing. No PWP obviously.
You’ll notice the gleecap at the beginning. I’ll be going back and adding those to all the chapters. This one also has subchapter headings, mostly because of the theme. The titles are all badly translated Latin and a lot of them don’t make too much sense. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m abusing my artistic license here.
Also, I’m practicing embedding music, which may making things easier in the future regarding songs.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 16.5
So here’s what you missed on Glee. Sam and the boys sang Justin Bieber to win their girlfriends’ hearts and it totally worked, except in Artie’s case. He was still trying to get Brittany to stay with him and he was totally failing. Emma started going back to her old habits and Will thought maybe Carl had something bad to her, but it turned out that Emma’s just really sick. Without Kurt, New Directions needs some new members, and even though they got several awesome audition-ers, only Lauren Zizes ended up joining, which made Santana really mad because she personally invited a girl name Faith who she ends up thinking is a homophobe; she’s not. Santana then asks Brittany if she wants some on-the-side loving, but Brittany turns her down and decides to break up with Artie. Yay! But, no, she’s not ready for another relationship. Boo! But there’s a silver lining: “Sex isn’t dating.” And that’s what you missed on… Glee!
In Vino Voluptas
Santana’s grades were as good as they’d ever been. It helped that she’d learned all the material before. Two weeks had passed since she last time-jumped. She’d never admit to Sam she made this reference, but it was like Avatar: she came to understand the life she was living was her real life, not the life she came from. The obvious difference was that she shortened Artie and Brittany’s relationship on both ends, starting it several weeks later, and ending it… well, ending it.
Brittany had refused to jump into a romantic relationship with her, but seemed content to become friends with benefits again. This was perfectly fine for Santana, and not just because she got access to Brittany’s body again, but because she was able to resume her cuddly, romantic seduction of Brittany again.
Brittany, drenched in sweat, fell back onto her bed, huffing and puffing with exhaustion.
Well, I’ll get to the cuddly, romantic stuff later. Let’s enjoy a little no-strings-attached headboard-slamming.
Santana descended upon her, aggressively pressing her lips into Brittany’s. The blonde only barely had enough energy to reciprocate. Kissing down her neck, Santana whispered, “So, I take it you missed me.”
Through her heaving breaths, Brittany replied, “I think you may have missed me more.”
Santana giggled, taking Brittany’s earlobe into her teeth and pulling. “That’s true. Gosh, I was abstinent for like three months. That’s very unnatural for Santana Lopez. I guess I’m just making up for lost time. Ready for Round 2?”
Brittany’s brow furrowed. “Wasn’t that like…?” She slid a hand up from underneath Santana, counting on it before pulling out the other one. “This might need two hands.”
Santana laced her fingers with Brittany’s. “I’ve got something that needs two hands right here.” She pulled Brittany’s hands down under the covers again. Brittany rolled her head back, resigned to her fate.
“You’re pure evil,” she joked.
Some time later, when Brittany had gone from merely exhausted to completely boneless, Santana slid out from under the covers and slipped on a pair of floral briefs and a tank top. Utilizing the last of her energy, Brittany rolled her head to the side and asked, “Oh, are you leaving?”
Santana spun around, sitting cross-legged on the bed facing Brittany. “Not if you don’t want me, too. It’s up to you.” She threaded her fingers through the sticky blonde hair splayed across the pillow.
“Stay.”
Santana smiled widely, sliding back under the covers, wrapping her arms around Brittany’s nude form, “Okay. Let’s put in some Xena: Warrior Princess and make wild speculations.”
“I don’t think I can handle any more of that.”
Santana burst out laughing, pressing her face into Brittany’s still-bare shoulder.
“In wine, there is pleasure.”
* * *
In Vino Vorago
Dressed in her Rachel Berry outfit, Brittany walked out of the library, leaving a grinning Santana behind. When she reached the choir room, Artie was putting his laptop away.
“Hey, Brittany, did you get lost?”
“No, I, uh, forgot about our lunch plans.”
“Well, no biggie, I just had a video to show you. I can bring it up again.” He started to pulled out his laptop again.
“Artie, we need to talk,” she mumbled.
Artie frowned. “I know that means. You’re breaking up with me.”
Brittany clenched her fists. “How does everyone know what I’m thinking all the time?” She exhaled. “Artie, I’m sorry, but I don’t want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.”
Artie kept his voice even. “Is this because of Santana?”
“I don’t want to lie to you. It is a little bit.”
“Figures she would break us up. She did last time.”
Brittany cuttingly replied. “She’s not breaking us up. I am. I’m not happy, Artie… dating you.”
“You used to be.”
Brittany couldn’t keep her eyes focused on him. “Not anymore. I don’t have the right feelings for you. I think it would be better if we were just friends.”
The edge in Artie’s voice finally appeared. “Are you going to say anything that’s not a cliché? Are you going to tell me ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ next?”
“Yes. It is you. You’re not the person I want to be with.”
“But Santana is?”
“That doesn’t matter.” There was something like fear, a trembling, in her voice.
“It does if you’re leaving me for her.”
“I’m not Santana’s girlfriend,” she insisted.
“But you’re going to be, right?”
“Maybe. But not now. I mean, she’s a lesbian, and really hot, and we have awesome sex, and she… she wants to be with me and I… I want that, too.”
Artie laughed sadly. “You’re not very good at letting a guy down easy. You realize I’m going to get teased for this, right? My girlfriend leaves me for another girl. It’s like Ross from Friends.”
“I like Friends. And, by the way, Ross totally got together with Rachel, who was way hot and fell in love with him.” Artie laughed, and Brittany bowed her head in embarrassment. “Did I say something stupid?”
“No, you said something really smart, Brittany. I’m gonna miss you.”
That was too much for her, so she power-walked out of the classroom and began running the moment she was out of Artie’s sight. Her legs carried her to her locker, where Santana was waiting. Seeing the tears building in her eyes, her best friend gave her a look of honest sympathy. Without a word, she cradled Brittany in her arms as the blonde cried. “He was so sad. He was being all brave and manly, but I could tell. Am I a bad person?”
“No, Sweetie, you’re not. I’ve dumped a thousand guys and I didn’t care about any of them. If anything, I’m the bad person. You care, and that makes you a wonderful person.”
“Can I come over tonight?” Santana nodded at her request. “I don’t know if I want to…” she admitted.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m here for you.”
“You’re not a bad person, Santana.”
“In wine, there is a chasm.”
* * *
In Vino Verecundia
“So, let me get this straight,” Will stated, as he stood with Holly in what used to be a janitor’s closet at McKinley, which now had contained with a small desk that Figgins was seated behind. “Sue hired you back as assistant principal?”
“Yes, she feels overworked now that she has taken the job as the coach of Vocal Adrenaline.”
Incredulous, Will remarked, “How can she do that? She’s the principal of one school and coaching the glee club of another? Not only that, but a school in a different state who we’re competing against in glee, not to mention several sports? The sheer number of conflicts of interests is astounding.”
“We’re not here to talk about that, William, Holland.”
“Holly’s not actually short for anything,” Holly noted.
Undeterred, Figgins continued, “I am concerned about the alcohol problem we have at this school. It is affecting me personally.”
“How is that?” Will wondered aloud.
At that moment, a male and female student opened the door and entered unannounced, sloppily kissing. The boy pressed the girl against the wall and then noticed the three adults in the room. Not quite sure of his feet, the boy stated, “Sorry, wrong turn. We were trying to get to… uh…”
“…Math,” the girl finished, giggling drunkenly, before she and her paramour ran off.
“I see,” Will admitted.
“What would like for us to do?” Holly asked.
“I was very impressed with the sexual education program you are planning, Holland. I was hoping that you would do a lesson plan on the dangers of drinking for our Alcohol Awareness Week.”
“Mrs. Pepino did a drug and alcohol program last semester.”
“It does not appear to have had much of an effect,” Figgins replied, somehow managing to add deadpan to his already droll tone.
Just then Mr. Kinney entered, apologizing for the intrusion and asking for a mop. “Sorry, Figgins, haven’t moved all my stuff yet.”
After managing to pass the mop in the confined space past the crowd, Will asked, “Jerry, where did you move to?”
“Eh, there’s a closet on every floor, but Sue gave me Miss Castle’s old room.”
“We had to let her go,” Figgins explained, “she held a kegger for students in her classroom. It was apparently a weekly thing. Had a passing policeman not seen her doing a keg stand through the window, it might have continued for some time.”
“Oh, yeah, I had to take on her classes,” Holly explained, “It overlaps with one of my health classes during sixth period, but I made it work. Luckily, we were studying obesity and the collapse of super-large stars at the same time.”
Mr. Kinney announced, “I got to go up to clean up some more vomit. See y’all around.”
Will asked, “Figgins, why did you need to see me?”
“I was hoping you two would have your glee kids do a song for our Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”
“Absolutely, our kids would love to help.”
“They’re very responsible,” Holly added.
On cue, Santana and Brittany burst into the room. Upon seeing the adults, Santana pushed Brittany away immediately, explaining, “Sorry, we needed to borrow... some paper towels. Toilet overflow.”
“It was a basilisk,” Brittany explained.
“Well, we’ll go find Mr. Kinney,” Santana replied as she drug Brittany out the door, who failed to adequately close the door.
“I thought we weren’t going to do it in front of other people anymore.”
“We’re going to the locker room, you doof.”
Will seemed perplexed by this development. Holly just smiled knowingly.
“We should go talk to Emma,” Holly suggested, “maybe this will get her mind off of her problems.”
“You’re right. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t involve the guidance counselor.”
Five minutes later, Holly stated, “Well, there’s one reason why we shouldn’t involve the guidance counselor during alcohol awareness week.”
Emma was asleep on her desk, sunglasses on her eyes to block out what little sunlight was filtering through her closed blinds. The stench of vodka filled the room. Holly shook the counselor awake.
“Oh, Holly, Will, how are you?” She tried to fix her hair the best she could.
“Emma,” Will replied, “I think we should be the ones asking you that.”
She began cheerily, “I’m…” She immediately admitted despondently, “I’ve been better. Carl cancelled our wedding.”
Holly clutched her chest. “Oh, no, did you two…?”
“We haven’t really figured that out yet.” She broke into sobs.
Will and Holly looked at each other. Holly sighed and took a place next to Emma. “Listen, Emma, Carl loves you very much. I’m sure the reason he canceled your wedding wasn’t that he doesn’t want to marry you. I think he just knows you need some more time. You should talk to him.”
“I’m trying!” Emma screamed and Will ran to the door to make sure the passing period had finished and there were no students milling around. “But every time I pick up the phone to talk to him, I freak out and… well, instead I dust and reorganize my files. There’s only so many ways to sort the letters of the alphabet.”
Will spoke up, “Well, we can’t have you alone tonight. I’ll talk to Shannon and we’ll all do something fun together to get your mind off this for a little while. That way, you’ll be able to deal with this tomorrow.”
“In wine, there is shame.”
* * *
In Vino Voces
On her black cell phone, Santana asked, “That sounds terrible. Is anyone gonna go?”
Not two feet from her, Brittany replied on her own white cell phone, “I’ll find out. Let me call Tina.” She pressed a button on her phone. “Did you hear?”
Tina replied, “Yeah, Mercedes just told me.”
Mercedes leaned in. “Tell them I’ll go if they go.”
“You tell her. Santana still scares me a little.”
“We’re on conference, you know; I can hear you,” Santana quipped. Yep, still got it.
Tina pulled her phone away from her head while Mercedes turned on her headset, asking, “You’re going right?”
Since nothing’s changed since last time… “Only if there’s booze. Because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober. It’s bad enough that I have to be responsible for my actions at school.” Santana winked at Brittany, who covered her phone so that Tina and Mercedes wouldn’t see her blush.
“Santana, it’s Alcohol Awareness Week,” Brittany hissed.
“Yeah, I know, and I’m aware of how much fun alcohol is. Anything can happen.” She eyed Brittany again, who held her phone away from her and shushed her. Santana rolled her eyes. “Let’s ask Puckerman.” Santana pushed a button on her phone. Huh, Puck’s still on speed dial. Maybe I should change that. Nah, I added Kurt, and they’re both my lesbros.
“You’re go for Puck,” he answered.
“Hey, Puck, it’s Santittany and… Tina, Mercedes, what’s your couple name?”
“‘Mina’?” Mercedes ventured.
“No, that’s me and Mike. What about… Merina?” Tina sounded out.
“Ooh, I like it.” She and Tina wiggled their fingers at each other.
“Me, too,” Santana answered, “Puck, it’s Santittany and Merina. That’s Mercedes and Tina, by the way.”
“Yeah, I was here for that whole conversation. What’s up?”
“Can your friend score us some wine coolers?”
“No, but his I.D. can.” At that moment, Puck met Santana and Brittany at the end of the hallway, where the pair had just encountered Mercedes and Tina coming from the adjacent hallway.
“If we’re all in, it’s settled,” Mercedes declared, “The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.”
“In wine, there are voices.”
* * *
In Vino Veniæ
Dave Karofsky stared into the astronomy room, where Berry, Hummel, Lopez, and Brittany were seated in a circle, passing around a mop.
“Welcome to the first session of the William McKinley Senior High GayLesbAll,” Rachel announced.
Karofsky turned and walked away.
“In wine, there is mercy.”
* * *
In Vino Vitium
Santana and Brittany were one of the first guests to arrive at Rachel’s house. Their hostess was wearing a prairie dress. Hmm, I wondered how I forgot to call ahead and tell her to wear something hot. Santana looked to her left where a sexily-dressed Brittany stood. Oh, yeah, that’s right. I was distracted by helping somebody pick out an outfit. It’s not my fault putting on a new clothes requires removing the clothes you have on first. “Look, Ber-Rachel, just putting this out there. Since we’re friends and whatnot, anytime you want to go clothes shopping with me and Britts, you’re welcome to it.”
“It that your nice way of criticizing what I’m wearing?”
“Nicest way you’re gonna hear it.”
Rachel looked the pair up and down. Santana had dressed Brittany in a black miniskirt, a white striped tank, and a ruffled white jacket. Brittany had added a black tie, polka dot socks, and a fedora. Santana was wearing a blue-and-black striped minidress, and Brittany had added a faux-fur vest to the ensemble. Rachel looked amused.
Santana pointed at the full-size painting of Rachel behind the real Rachel, “Hey, Britts look at that.” Brittany’s eyes widened as she looked back and forth between the two Rachels. Santana pulled Rachel aside. “Yeah, if B’s fashion taste is a little too eclectic, we can go solo, too.”
Santana pulled Brittany away from the painting, which she was tapping as if trying to get its attention. They descended the stairs only to find Artie waiting at the bottom.
“Hi,” Brittany said awkwardly.
“Hi,” Artie replied, “are you two already…?”
“We just drove over together,” Santana clarified, “well, we don’t want to monopolize your time.” She dragged Brittany away to the couch. Mike and Tina were over by the stage, impromptu-dancing. Sam and Quinn were sitting next to one another, Quinn’s head tilted to the side so that Sam could lean in and kiss him with his big lips. Geez, PDA much? Wow, you are quite the chastity queen. I was in his lap by this point. Speaking of which… Santana looked over to Brittany, who was eyeing Sam and Quinn, too. Her eyes locked with Santana’s, but shot over to where Artie was. Okay, on second thought, let’s wait until we get liquored up first. She’ll be more pliable and I’ll have an excuse to be forward.
Puck and Lauren showed up next, followed closely by Mercedes. She shared fist bumps with Puck and Mercedes, and thinly-veiled snarls with Lauren, whose first words to her were, “So, how many blondies you got in your harem?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. You’ve poached Heidi Klum here from Artie, and there’s the Taylor Swift wannabe you hooked for the auditions. Should I ask what services you provided when you were Queen Bee’s lackey?”
“Okay, one, Brittany and I are best friends. Two, Quinn and Faith are cut from the same cloth: Born-Again Leg-Crossers who wouldn’t know what do with a woman once they had one in bed. Three, dare I presume what kind of action the sole girl on the wrestling team gets?”
Brittany’s quick reflexes saved Santana from a punch in the face.
“Whoa, low brow, Lopez,” Puck warned.
“You’re right,” Santana replied, holding her hands up defensively, “Zizes, enjoy the party. If you’re going to be dating Puckerman, we should be friends.”
“Sure, shake on it?” she extended her meaty hand, which was already clenching.
“Eh-eh, not that stupid.” Santana pulled Brittany back to the middle of the room, as she’d hopped up on the table and was getting yelled at by Rachel. She was getting kind of dizzy from all the tugging on her arm that Santana was doing.
Finn, Kurt, and Blaine were the last to arrive and were being greeted by ever-the-proper-hostess Rachel. Santana hugged Kurt, and Brittany did, too. As Blaine introduced himself to Brittany, she took it as an invitation to hug him like old friends who’d be separated for years, which was a good summation of Brittany’s feelings about meeting new people.
Santana extended her hand. “So, you must be Blim.”
“It’s Blaine.”
“She knows that,” Kurt groaned.
“We met over Valentine’s Day, actually.”
“Did we?” Santana replied. Okay, living things over twice is very hard on the brain. “You’re right; I do believe you sang that ‘love doesn’t come at all’ to me.”
Blaine blushed. “Yeah, you were looking pretty lonely. I guess I was wrong.” He indicated Brittany, who bashfully folded her head.
“Oh! We’re actually kind of at a… casual stage right now. I wonder what gave you the idea.” She frowned at Kurt, who threw up his hands defensively.
She told Blaine, “Your gaydar must be better than Kurt’s if you caught onto us.”
“Well, let me just say the Chinese aerospace administration could sense the tension.”
Brittany giggled, “It’s funny because the Chinese are decades behind us in the space race.”
Santana and Kurt did a double take at Brittany.
“Oh, sorry, I’m flaunting my intelligence. You see, the Chinese people’s moon got eaten by a dragon, so they had to send a samurai into space to retrieve it. Since Tom Cruise is the last one, they had to sneak him into the country. Luckily, he was already a scientist. I watch a lot of PBS,” she bragged.
Rachel was now yammering about the two-wine cooler rule, and in response, Mike and Tina announced their dinner reservations.
Santana turned to Brittany, “Batwoman’s gotta go save this party.”
Puck was already with Rachel, offering to break into her dads’ liquor cabinet. Santana offered, “I’ve got a bottle of tequila in the trunk of my car, too.”
“Isn’t that illegal?”
“Not when it’s in green tea bottles in an unopened carton. What? My mom has her own shrink wrapping machine. Don’t ask why.”
After a moment of deliberation, Rachel screamed, “Let’s party!”
Santana looked to Brittany. Let’s.
“In wine, there is sin.”
* * *
In Vino Vigor
Poppin’ bottles in the ice
Like a blizzard
Now I’m feeling so fly
Like a G6
Let’s go, like a G6
Two wine coolers and a single shot of tequila was barely enough to get Santana buzzed. Brittany, on the other hand, had taken in three wine coolers, a “margarita” Puck had concocted with two shots of tequila and a Sprite, a Juicy Juice appletini Tina had prepared for some of the girls, and finished it off with a body shot off of Santana. Needless to say, the blonde had lost all reservations and was now racing around the room. Santana was pulling dress down, ending the show that the body shot had warranted, so she could chase her. Brittany had stolen her vest, and Santana was intent of retrieving it, despite the fact she herself had stolen Brittany’s jacket, leaving the blonde running around in a pink bra and a vest that hid little more.
Once Santana had caught Brittany, she’d directed her to the couch and plopped herself into her lap, and it was all lips and tongue from there. No doubt Artie would witness their affection. His loss is my gain. All’s fair in love and war. And platitudes need not fill my brain when Brittany’s hands are grazing my ass.
The rest of the room was either playing drinking games or dancing. Santana, feeling her buzz wane, reached down and found a bottle of rum that she’d left on the floor. There was also a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke on the couch, so she and Brittany began mixing the liquids in each other’s mouths. “You’re good at this,” Brittany remarked, pouring a little bit of Diet Coke on herself, which Santana licked up.
Finn and Rachel were seated a few feet from them. Finn was stone cold sober, explaining something to the drunk-as-a-skunk Rachel. “Since this is your first time at this, I’m gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk.”
Rachel giggled a lot. “How do you know that word?”
Finn frowned at his girlfriend. “We talked about it in English today. I listen in class. Most of the time.” Santana giggled, too, but mostly because Brittany had picked her up and deposited her on the seat of the couch so they could switch places and was now removing her tie for some nefarious purpose. Finn began his diatribe, “We’ve got the happy-for-no-reason drunk… Exhibit A: Mercedes and Tina.”
Mercedes and Tina were leaning on each other, laughing so hard their sides hurt.
Tina related, “I think I love Mike. I mean, we get along so well. He’s the perfect boyfriend. My parents love him. His parents haven’t used the word shame about me in two months, which is huge for one of Mike’s girlfriends.”
Mercedes agreed, “Everything is awesome. The whole glee club is friends… are friends? And I’ve come to terms with being single. I don’t need a man to complete me. I’m confident that I’m going to find someone, and now I know it will be on my terms. I’m not desperate.” She and Tina hugged tightly.
Finn pointed towards Brittany and Santana a few feet away. “The girl who turns into a stripper for the first person she sees drunk… Brittany, as you can see.”
Santana mentally agreed, which was about all her mind was able to process, since she was being reminded that Brittany became more dominant when drunk and her purpose for the tie was to bind Santana’s wrists behind her back. She was in her lap now, dancing to the music in a very sensual way and discarding the fur vest, and leaning in very close. Santana’s eyes remained locked on her cleavage, but her ears were open to the whispers she left there. “Remember when we were eleven and we went to the park and there was this squirrel who told me that I was the queen of Neptune and he was my royal subject and I said I’d only go if I could take you to be my assistant queen?”
Rachel mused, “Santana is so lucky to have access that stomach! Do you think she ever eats tortillas off of it?” She then shrieked and covered her face like she’d said something unforgivably scandalous.
Finn chuckled. “Speaking of Santana, otherwise known as the hysterical-weepy-spout-nonsense drunk…”
Santana muttered aloud, “I love you. I love you so much. I want to be with you forever and ever.” Brittany didn’t seem to catch her declarations of love; she was too absorbed in the music. Breaking down in sobs, Santana pressed her face forward, landing square between Brittany’s bra-covered breasts. Her mind got fuzzy and she sobered up just enough to realize she’d just told Brittany she loved her.
I guess it’s true what they say: “In Vino Veritas”. Oh, shit, am I going to return to the present? No, I can’t! Things are getting dark. I can feel my mind being yanked across the time stream.
No, scratch that. It’s just the rum. Oh, thank you, Captain Jack. No, Captain Morgan. Captain Jack is the yummy Johnny Depp. Wait, should I still find him yummy? I’m like the worst lesbian ever. Well, geez, I think every should get one exception.
But why is so dark?
Oh, that’s right.
Santana pulled herself back from Brittany’s chest. She screamed out, “You like me more than Artie, right? Right?!” Brittany, deaf except for the music, didn’t answer. “Please! You’re blond and awesome and so… warm.” She pressed the side of her head to Brittany’s neck. “Just kiss me.” Brittany was now close enough to hear Santana’s rambling, so she tilted her head down. Santana yanked one hand free so she could grabbed Brittany’s face for a searing kiss.
Finn was watching intently, his monologue long forgotten when Rachel slapped him with a mild amount of force. She squeezed his cheeks and pulled his face down to hers. “You were saying?” She grinned, forgiving the incident immediately.
Clearing his throat, Finn’s eyes scanned the room. He pointed towards where Sam and Puck were sitting on stage, their arms wrapped around each other. “Now we have the philosophical drunk who’s suddenly really deep and thoughtful… Sam, it seems…”
“You can’t do anything greater than what you’ve already done, unless you do something so great, it eclipses everything that you’ll ever do.”
Puck’s eyes shot open. “DUDE! You’re so right! It’s like fucking karma. Heh, I met a girl name Karma once.”
“Puck, too, in a way.” Finn then indicated the boys’ approaching girlfriends. “And now we’ll be introduced to the angry drunks… Zizes and Quinn.”
Lauren Zizes screamed at Puck, “I just realized; it’s not romantic to say that I’m so hot I look like a hot girl who ate two other hot girls!”
Quinn punched Sam in the stomach. Between her tiny fist and Sam’s strong midsection, he didn’t seem fazed. That is, until she started screaming: “I want those! I want them right here!” She tried to lift up her shirt, only to realize she was wearing a dress, so she lifted that up, only to realize that her jean jacket was in the way, so she threw that off, and then pulled her dress up to show off her well-toned stomach which had the faintest of stretch marks marring them.
She yelled at Puck, “This is all your fault!” She then proceeded to punch him in the stomach. “Ow,” she whimpered shaking out her hand. “Note to self, don’t get mad at Mike Chang, too.”
“I think those are the panties you were wearing when I knocked you up,” Puck joked, which got him punched in the stomach by Lauren, which made him crumple into a ball.
“Nice haircut, Puckerman,” Lauren called down to him.
Finn looked down at his girlfriend snuggled into his arm. “And we come back to the overly-lovey, cuddly drunk…”
Rachel burrowed further into Finn’s arm. “Is that me?”
“Yep. And not just you.”
Rachel extracted herself to see that Blaine was doing the same thing to Finn’s other arm.
He looked up to Finn’s face. “It’s so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Brothers. Wow. It’s like if Hagrid and Neville were brothers.”
Kurt sat down on Blaine’s other side and began to pull him off of Finn. “I’m just going to take this off your hands. Even if he’s giving me body issues with that comparison.”
“Well, who’s the sexy, fashionable Hogwarts character? Malfoy? He’s just a little shit.”
Kurt noted, “Okay, somebody’s tongue gets a little loose when they’re drunk.”
“Yeah!” Blaine pointed past Kurt where Santana and Brittany were French-kissing.
When Kurt turned back, Blaine had snuggled into him, and he didn’t look the least bit peeved about it.
Rachel was looking past Kurt, too. She told her boyfriend, “You lost your virginity to a lesbian.” She cracked up.
Finn carefully remarked, “You’re laughing about it. Does that mean we’re okay?”
Rachel’s face fell. “Almost. I’m a very dramatic person and I need to work through my anger. I should sing.” The thought left her mind. “Hey, you missed Mike!”
Finn watched Mike for a few seconds. “Well, Mike is about to demonstrate the ever-famous clumsy drunk.”
Mike stumbled around the room, vaguely in the direction of Tina and Mercedes. He bumped into the table, making it wobble. To correct it, he grabbed the edge, but the sudden movement sent the shot glasses rolling off the table. He dove for them, catching all three by chance. But a nearly-empty bottle of vodka was still dancing on the table, so Mike leapt off the floor using his dance skills, tossing one shot glass in the air and catching it with the hand that held the other two. He righted the bottle and placed the three shot glasses down. Proud of himself, he spun around, his hand knocking over a plastic cup castle on the minibar. He quickly grabbed every fallen cup and stacked them into four neat piles. Seemingly sober, he walked straight towards his girlfriend, tripping on the edge of the carpet, and falling down face-first with all the grace of a vaudevillian actor.
“Bravo!” Mercedes cried out.
“Encore! Encore!” Tina added, bouncing in her seat. She blew kisses.
Rachel’s eyes widened. “That gives me an idea!” She pushed herself up in her seat, using Finn’s groin as leverage. As the boy crumpled into a ball on the couch, Rachel cried out, “It’s time for Spin the Bottle!”
“In wine, there is liveliness.”
Author’s Note: The breakup flashback was completely unnecessary, even for word count goals. I just couldn’t deprive you of it.
Also, I’m fluent enough in Spanish not to be surprised by this, but I wasn’t aware exactly what “zorra” meant as a slang term of endearment. There’s not a single meaning outside the literal translation that doesn’t fit Santana to a T, but for some reason my brain actually thought it meant something like “foxy lady” or at worst “seductress.”
Part 2
Author: creedogv
Rating: T
Summary: Santana has been given the opportunity to correct her past mistakes with Brittany, so she can’t help but take it. Brittany’s agreed to dump Artie, but it might take a little libation for Santana to win her heart for good.
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Word Count: ~5200/9700
Spoilers: 2x14 “Blame It on the Alcohol”
Author’s Note: This chapter is M. Mostly for the whole “sex isn’t dating” thing. No PWP obviously.
You’ll notice the gleecap at the beginning. I’ll be going back and adding those to all the chapters. This one also has subchapter headings, mostly because of the theme. The titles are all badly translated Latin and a lot of them don’t make too much sense. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m abusing my artistic license here.
Also, I’m practicing embedding music, which may making things easier in the future regarding songs.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 16.5
So here’s what you missed on Glee. Sam and the boys sang Justin Bieber to win their girlfriends’ hearts and it totally worked, except in Artie’s case. He was still trying to get Brittany to stay with him and he was totally failing. Emma started going back to her old habits and Will thought maybe Carl had something bad to her, but it turned out that Emma’s just really sick. Without Kurt, New Directions needs some new members, and even though they got several awesome audition-ers, only Lauren Zizes ended up joining, which made Santana really mad because she personally invited a girl name Faith who she ends up thinking is a homophobe; she’s not. Santana then asks Brittany if she wants some on-the-side loving, but Brittany turns her down and decides to break up with Artie. Yay! But, no, she’s not ready for another relationship. Boo! But there’s a silver lining: “Sex isn’t dating.” And that’s what you missed on… Glee!
In Vino Voluptas
Santana’s grades were as good as they’d ever been. It helped that she’d learned all the material before. Two weeks had passed since she last time-jumped. She’d never admit to Sam she made this reference, but it was like Avatar: she came to understand the life she was living was her real life, not the life she came from. The obvious difference was that she shortened Artie and Brittany’s relationship on both ends, starting it several weeks later, and ending it… well, ending it.
Brittany had refused to jump into a romantic relationship with her, but seemed content to become friends with benefits again. This was perfectly fine for Santana, and not just because she got access to Brittany’s body again, but because she was able to resume her cuddly, romantic seduction of Brittany again.
Brittany, drenched in sweat, fell back onto her bed, huffing and puffing with exhaustion.
Well, I’ll get to the cuddly, romantic stuff later. Let’s enjoy a little no-strings-attached headboard-slamming.
Santana descended upon her, aggressively pressing her lips into Brittany’s. The blonde only barely had enough energy to reciprocate. Kissing down her neck, Santana whispered, “So, I take it you missed me.”
Through her heaving breaths, Brittany replied, “I think you may have missed me more.”
Santana giggled, taking Brittany’s earlobe into her teeth and pulling. “That’s true. Gosh, I was abstinent for like three months. That’s very unnatural for Santana Lopez. I guess I’m just making up for lost time. Ready for Round 2?”
Brittany’s brow furrowed. “Wasn’t that like…?” She slid a hand up from underneath Santana, counting on it before pulling out the other one. “This might need two hands.”
Santana laced her fingers with Brittany’s. “I’ve got something that needs two hands right here.” She pulled Brittany’s hands down under the covers again. Brittany rolled her head back, resigned to her fate.
“You’re pure evil,” she joked.
Some time later, when Brittany had gone from merely exhausted to completely boneless, Santana slid out from under the covers and slipped on a pair of floral briefs and a tank top. Utilizing the last of her energy, Brittany rolled her head to the side and asked, “Oh, are you leaving?”
Santana spun around, sitting cross-legged on the bed facing Brittany. “Not if you don’t want me, too. It’s up to you.” She threaded her fingers through the sticky blonde hair splayed across the pillow.
“Stay.”
Santana smiled widely, sliding back under the covers, wrapping her arms around Brittany’s nude form, “Okay. Let’s put in some Xena: Warrior Princess and make wild speculations.”
“I don’t think I can handle any more of that.”
Santana burst out laughing, pressing her face into Brittany’s still-bare shoulder.
“In wine, there is pleasure.”
* * *
In Vino Vorago
Dressed in her Rachel Berry outfit, Brittany walked out of the library, leaving a grinning Santana behind. When she reached the choir room, Artie was putting his laptop away.
“Hey, Brittany, did you get lost?”
“No, I, uh, forgot about our lunch plans.”
“Well, no biggie, I just had a video to show you. I can bring it up again.” He started to pulled out his laptop again.
“Artie, we need to talk,” she mumbled.
Artie frowned. “I know that means. You’re breaking up with me.”
Brittany clenched her fists. “How does everyone know what I’m thinking all the time?” She exhaled. “Artie, I’m sorry, but I don’t want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.”
Artie kept his voice even. “Is this because of Santana?”
“I don’t want to lie to you. It is a little bit.”
“Figures she would break us up. She did last time.”
Brittany cuttingly replied. “She’s not breaking us up. I am. I’m not happy, Artie… dating you.”
“You used to be.”
Brittany couldn’t keep her eyes focused on him. “Not anymore. I don’t have the right feelings for you. I think it would be better if we were just friends.”
The edge in Artie’s voice finally appeared. “Are you going to say anything that’s not a cliché? Are you going to tell me ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ next?”
“Yes. It is you. You’re not the person I want to be with.”
“But Santana is?”
“That doesn’t matter.” There was something like fear, a trembling, in her voice.
“It does if you’re leaving me for her.”
“I’m not Santana’s girlfriend,” she insisted.
“But you’re going to be, right?”
“Maybe. But not now. I mean, she’s a lesbian, and really hot, and we have awesome sex, and she… she wants to be with me and I… I want that, too.”
Artie laughed sadly. “You’re not very good at letting a guy down easy. You realize I’m going to get teased for this, right? My girlfriend leaves me for another girl. It’s like Ross from Friends.”
“I like Friends. And, by the way, Ross totally got together with Rachel, who was way hot and fell in love with him.” Artie laughed, and Brittany bowed her head in embarrassment. “Did I say something stupid?”
“No, you said something really smart, Brittany. I’m gonna miss you.”
That was too much for her, so she power-walked out of the classroom and began running the moment she was out of Artie’s sight. Her legs carried her to her locker, where Santana was waiting. Seeing the tears building in her eyes, her best friend gave her a look of honest sympathy. Without a word, she cradled Brittany in her arms as the blonde cried. “He was so sad. He was being all brave and manly, but I could tell. Am I a bad person?”
“No, Sweetie, you’re not. I’ve dumped a thousand guys and I didn’t care about any of them. If anything, I’m the bad person. You care, and that makes you a wonderful person.”
“Can I come over tonight?” Santana nodded at her request. “I don’t know if I want to…” she admitted.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m here for you.”
“You’re not a bad person, Santana.”
“In wine, there is a chasm.”
* * *
In Vino Verecundia
“So, let me get this straight,” Will stated, as he stood with Holly in what used to be a janitor’s closet at McKinley, which now had contained with a small desk that Figgins was seated behind. “Sue hired you back as assistant principal?”
“Yes, she feels overworked now that she has taken the job as the coach of Vocal Adrenaline.”
Incredulous, Will remarked, “How can she do that? She’s the principal of one school and coaching the glee club of another? Not only that, but a school in a different state who we’re competing against in glee, not to mention several sports? The sheer number of conflicts of interests is astounding.”
“We’re not here to talk about that, William, Holland.”
“Holly’s not actually short for anything,” Holly noted.
Undeterred, Figgins continued, “I am concerned about the alcohol problem we have at this school. It is affecting me personally.”
“How is that?” Will wondered aloud.
At that moment, a male and female student opened the door and entered unannounced, sloppily kissing. The boy pressed the girl against the wall and then noticed the three adults in the room. Not quite sure of his feet, the boy stated, “Sorry, wrong turn. We were trying to get to… uh…”
“…Math,” the girl finished, giggling drunkenly, before she and her paramour ran off.
“I see,” Will admitted.
“What would like for us to do?” Holly asked.
“I was very impressed with the sexual education program you are planning, Holland. I was hoping that you would do a lesson plan on the dangers of drinking for our Alcohol Awareness Week.”
“Mrs. Pepino did a drug and alcohol program last semester.”
“It does not appear to have had much of an effect,” Figgins replied, somehow managing to add deadpan to his already droll tone.
Just then Mr. Kinney entered, apologizing for the intrusion and asking for a mop. “Sorry, Figgins, haven’t moved all my stuff yet.”
After managing to pass the mop in the confined space past the crowd, Will asked, “Jerry, where did you move to?”
“Eh, there’s a closet on every floor, but Sue gave me Miss Castle’s old room.”
“We had to let her go,” Figgins explained, “she held a kegger for students in her classroom. It was apparently a weekly thing. Had a passing policeman not seen her doing a keg stand through the window, it might have continued for some time.”
“Oh, yeah, I had to take on her classes,” Holly explained, “It overlaps with one of my health classes during sixth period, but I made it work. Luckily, we were studying obesity and the collapse of super-large stars at the same time.”
Mr. Kinney announced, “I got to go up to clean up some more vomit. See y’all around.”
Will asked, “Figgins, why did you need to see me?”
“I was hoping you two would have your glee kids do a song for our Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”
“Absolutely, our kids would love to help.”
“They’re very responsible,” Holly added.
On cue, Santana and Brittany burst into the room. Upon seeing the adults, Santana pushed Brittany away immediately, explaining, “Sorry, we needed to borrow... some paper towels. Toilet overflow.”
“It was a basilisk,” Brittany explained.
“Well, we’ll go find Mr. Kinney,” Santana replied as she drug Brittany out the door, who failed to adequately close the door.
“I thought we weren’t going to do it in front of other people anymore.”
“We’re going to the locker room, you doof.”
Will seemed perplexed by this development. Holly just smiled knowingly.
“We should go talk to Emma,” Holly suggested, “maybe this will get her mind off of her problems.”
“You’re right. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t involve the guidance counselor.”
Five minutes later, Holly stated, “Well, there’s one reason why we shouldn’t involve the guidance counselor during alcohol awareness week.”
Emma was asleep on her desk, sunglasses on her eyes to block out what little sunlight was filtering through her closed blinds. The stench of vodka filled the room. Holly shook the counselor awake.
“Oh, Holly, Will, how are you?” She tried to fix her hair the best she could.
“Emma,” Will replied, “I think we should be the ones asking you that.”
She began cheerily, “I’m…” She immediately admitted despondently, “I’ve been better. Carl cancelled our wedding.”
Holly clutched her chest. “Oh, no, did you two…?”
“We haven’t really figured that out yet.” She broke into sobs.
Will and Holly looked at each other. Holly sighed and took a place next to Emma. “Listen, Emma, Carl loves you very much. I’m sure the reason he canceled your wedding wasn’t that he doesn’t want to marry you. I think he just knows you need some more time. You should talk to him.”
“I’m trying!” Emma screamed and Will ran to the door to make sure the passing period had finished and there were no students milling around. “But every time I pick up the phone to talk to him, I freak out and… well, instead I dust and reorganize my files. There’s only so many ways to sort the letters of the alphabet.”
Will spoke up, “Well, we can’t have you alone tonight. I’ll talk to Shannon and we’ll all do something fun together to get your mind off this for a little while. That way, you’ll be able to deal with this tomorrow.”
“In wine, there is shame.”
* * *
In Vino Voces
On her black cell phone, Santana asked, “That sounds terrible. Is anyone gonna go?”
Not two feet from her, Brittany replied on her own white cell phone, “I’ll find out. Let me call Tina.” She pressed a button on her phone. “Did you hear?”
Tina replied, “Yeah, Mercedes just told me.”
Mercedes leaned in. “Tell them I’ll go if they go.”
“You tell her. Santana still scares me a little.”
“We’re on conference, you know; I can hear you,” Santana quipped. Yep, still got it.
Tina pulled her phone away from her head while Mercedes turned on her headset, asking, “You’re going right?”
Since nothing’s changed since last time… “Only if there’s booze. Because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober. It’s bad enough that I have to be responsible for my actions at school.” Santana winked at Brittany, who covered her phone so that Tina and Mercedes wouldn’t see her blush.
“Santana, it’s Alcohol Awareness Week,” Brittany hissed.
“Yeah, I know, and I’m aware of how much fun alcohol is. Anything can happen.” She eyed Brittany again, who held her phone away from her and shushed her. Santana rolled her eyes. “Let’s ask Puckerman.” Santana pushed a button on her phone. Huh, Puck’s still on speed dial. Maybe I should change that. Nah, I added Kurt, and they’re both my lesbros.
“You’re go for Puck,” he answered.
“Hey, Puck, it’s Santittany and… Tina, Mercedes, what’s your couple name?”
“‘Mina’?” Mercedes ventured.
“No, that’s me and Mike. What about… Merina?” Tina sounded out.
“Ooh, I like it.” She and Tina wiggled their fingers at each other.
“Me, too,” Santana answered, “Puck, it’s Santittany and Merina. That’s Mercedes and Tina, by the way.”
“Yeah, I was here for that whole conversation. What’s up?”
“Can your friend score us some wine coolers?”
“No, but his I.D. can.” At that moment, Puck met Santana and Brittany at the end of the hallway, where the pair had just encountered Mercedes and Tina coming from the adjacent hallway.
“If we’re all in, it’s settled,” Mercedes declared, “The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.”
“In wine, there are voices.”
* * *
In Vino Veniæ
Dave Karofsky stared into the astronomy room, where Berry, Hummel, Lopez, and Brittany were seated in a circle, passing around a mop.
“Welcome to the first session of the William McKinley Senior High GayLesbAll,” Rachel announced.
Karofsky turned and walked away.
“In wine, there is mercy.”
* * *
In Vino Vitium
Santana and Brittany were one of the first guests to arrive at Rachel’s house. Their hostess was wearing a prairie dress. Hmm, I wondered how I forgot to call ahead and tell her to wear something hot. Santana looked to her left where a sexily-dressed Brittany stood. Oh, yeah, that’s right. I was distracted by helping somebody pick out an outfit. It’s not my fault putting on a new clothes requires removing the clothes you have on first. “Look, Ber-Rachel, just putting this out there. Since we’re friends and whatnot, anytime you want to go clothes shopping with me and Britts, you’re welcome to it.”
“It that your nice way of criticizing what I’m wearing?”
“Nicest way you’re gonna hear it.”
Rachel looked the pair up and down. Santana had dressed Brittany in a black miniskirt, a white striped tank, and a ruffled white jacket. Brittany had added a black tie, polka dot socks, and a fedora. Santana was wearing a blue-and-black striped minidress, and Brittany had added a faux-fur vest to the ensemble. Rachel looked amused.
Santana pointed at the full-size painting of Rachel behind the real Rachel, “Hey, Britts look at that.” Brittany’s eyes widened as she looked back and forth between the two Rachels. Santana pulled Rachel aside. “Yeah, if B’s fashion taste is a little too eclectic, we can go solo, too.”
Santana pulled Brittany away from the painting, which she was tapping as if trying to get its attention. They descended the stairs only to find Artie waiting at the bottom.
“Hi,” Brittany said awkwardly.
“Hi,” Artie replied, “are you two already…?”
“We just drove over together,” Santana clarified, “well, we don’t want to monopolize your time.” She dragged Brittany away to the couch. Mike and Tina were over by the stage, impromptu-dancing. Sam and Quinn were sitting next to one another, Quinn’s head tilted to the side so that Sam could lean in and kiss him with his big lips. Geez, PDA much? Wow, you are quite the chastity queen. I was in his lap by this point. Speaking of which… Santana looked over to Brittany, who was eyeing Sam and Quinn, too. Her eyes locked with Santana’s, but shot over to where Artie was. Okay, on second thought, let’s wait until we get liquored up first. She’ll be more pliable and I’ll have an excuse to be forward.
Puck and Lauren showed up next, followed closely by Mercedes. She shared fist bumps with Puck and Mercedes, and thinly-veiled snarls with Lauren, whose first words to her were, “So, how many blondies you got in your harem?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. You’ve poached Heidi Klum here from Artie, and there’s the Taylor Swift wannabe you hooked for the auditions. Should I ask what services you provided when you were Queen Bee’s lackey?”
“Okay, one, Brittany and I are best friends. Two, Quinn and Faith are cut from the same cloth: Born-Again Leg-Crossers who wouldn’t know what do with a woman once they had one in bed. Three, dare I presume what kind of action the sole girl on the wrestling team gets?”
Brittany’s quick reflexes saved Santana from a punch in the face.
“Whoa, low brow, Lopez,” Puck warned.
“You’re right,” Santana replied, holding her hands up defensively, “Zizes, enjoy the party. If you’re going to be dating Puckerman, we should be friends.”
“Sure, shake on it?” she extended her meaty hand, which was already clenching.
“Eh-eh, not that stupid.” Santana pulled Brittany back to the middle of the room, as she’d hopped up on the table and was getting yelled at by Rachel. She was getting kind of dizzy from all the tugging on her arm that Santana was doing.
Finn, Kurt, and Blaine were the last to arrive and were being greeted by ever-the-proper-hostess Rachel. Santana hugged Kurt, and Brittany did, too. As Blaine introduced himself to Brittany, she took it as an invitation to hug him like old friends who’d be separated for years, which was a good summation of Brittany’s feelings about meeting new people.
Santana extended her hand. “So, you must be Blim.”
“It’s Blaine.”
“She knows that,” Kurt groaned.
“We met over Valentine’s Day, actually.”
“Did we?” Santana replied. Okay, living things over twice is very hard on the brain. “You’re right; I do believe you sang that ‘love doesn’t come at all’ to me.”
Blaine blushed. “Yeah, you were looking pretty lonely. I guess I was wrong.” He indicated Brittany, who bashfully folded her head.
“Oh! We’re actually kind of at a… casual stage right now. I wonder what gave you the idea.” She frowned at Kurt, who threw up his hands defensively.
She told Blaine, “Your gaydar must be better than Kurt’s if you caught onto us.”
“Well, let me just say the Chinese aerospace administration could sense the tension.”
Brittany giggled, “It’s funny because the Chinese are decades behind us in the space race.”
Santana and Kurt did a double take at Brittany.
“Oh, sorry, I’m flaunting my intelligence. You see, the Chinese people’s moon got eaten by a dragon, so they had to send a samurai into space to retrieve it. Since Tom Cruise is the last one, they had to sneak him into the country. Luckily, he was already a scientist. I watch a lot of PBS,” she bragged.
Rachel was now yammering about the two-wine cooler rule, and in response, Mike and Tina announced their dinner reservations.
Santana turned to Brittany, “Batwoman’s gotta go save this party.”
Puck was already with Rachel, offering to break into her dads’ liquor cabinet. Santana offered, “I’ve got a bottle of tequila in the trunk of my car, too.”
“Isn’t that illegal?”
“Not when it’s in green tea bottles in an unopened carton. What? My mom has her own shrink wrapping machine. Don’t ask why.”
After a moment of deliberation, Rachel screamed, “Let’s party!”
Santana looked to Brittany. Let’s.
“In wine, there is sin.”
* * *
In Vino Vigor
Poppin’ bottles in the ice
Like a blizzard
Now I’m feeling so fly
Like a G6
Let’s go, like a G6
Two wine coolers and a single shot of tequila was barely enough to get Santana buzzed. Brittany, on the other hand, had taken in three wine coolers, a “margarita” Puck had concocted with two shots of tequila and a Sprite, a Juicy Juice appletini Tina had prepared for some of the girls, and finished it off with a body shot off of Santana. Needless to say, the blonde had lost all reservations and was now racing around the room. Santana was pulling dress down, ending the show that the body shot had warranted, so she could chase her. Brittany had stolen her vest, and Santana was intent of retrieving it, despite the fact she herself had stolen Brittany’s jacket, leaving the blonde running around in a pink bra and a vest that hid little more.
Once Santana had caught Brittany, she’d directed her to the couch and plopped herself into her lap, and it was all lips and tongue from there. No doubt Artie would witness their affection. His loss is my gain. All’s fair in love and war. And platitudes need not fill my brain when Brittany’s hands are grazing my ass.
The rest of the room was either playing drinking games or dancing. Santana, feeling her buzz wane, reached down and found a bottle of rum that she’d left on the floor. There was also a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke on the couch, so she and Brittany began mixing the liquids in each other’s mouths. “You’re good at this,” Brittany remarked, pouring a little bit of Diet Coke on herself, which Santana licked up.
Finn and Rachel were seated a few feet from them. Finn was stone cold sober, explaining something to the drunk-as-a-skunk Rachel. “Since this is your first time at this, I’m gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk.”
Rachel giggled a lot. “How do you know that word?”
Finn frowned at his girlfriend. “We talked about it in English today. I listen in class. Most of the time.” Santana giggled, too, but mostly because Brittany had picked her up and deposited her on the seat of the couch so they could switch places and was now removing her tie for some nefarious purpose. Finn began his diatribe, “We’ve got the happy-for-no-reason drunk… Exhibit A: Mercedes and Tina.”
Mercedes and Tina were leaning on each other, laughing so hard their sides hurt.
Tina related, “I think I love Mike. I mean, we get along so well. He’s the perfect boyfriend. My parents love him. His parents haven’t used the word shame about me in two months, which is huge for one of Mike’s girlfriends.”
Mercedes agreed, “Everything is awesome. The whole glee club is friends… are friends? And I’ve come to terms with being single. I don’t need a man to complete me. I’m confident that I’m going to find someone, and now I know it will be on my terms. I’m not desperate.” She and Tina hugged tightly.
Finn pointed towards Brittany and Santana a few feet away. “The girl who turns into a stripper for the first person she sees drunk… Brittany, as you can see.”
Santana mentally agreed, which was about all her mind was able to process, since she was being reminded that Brittany became more dominant when drunk and her purpose for the tie was to bind Santana’s wrists behind her back. She was in her lap now, dancing to the music in a very sensual way and discarding the fur vest, and leaning in very close. Santana’s eyes remained locked on her cleavage, but her ears were open to the whispers she left there. “Remember when we were eleven and we went to the park and there was this squirrel who told me that I was the queen of Neptune and he was my royal subject and I said I’d only go if I could take you to be my assistant queen?”
Rachel mused, “Santana is so lucky to have access that stomach! Do you think she ever eats tortillas off of it?” She then shrieked and covered her face like she’d said something unforgivably scandalous.
Finn chuckled. “Speaking of Santana, otherwise known as the hysterical-weepy-spout-nonsense drunk…”
Santana muttered aloud, “I love you. I love you so much. I want to be with you forever and ever.” Brittany didn’t seem to catch her declarations of love; she was too absorbed in the music. Breaking down in sobs, Santana pressed her face forward, landing square between Brittany’s bra-covered breasts. Her mind got fuzzy and she sobered up just enough to realize she’d just told Brittany she loved her.
I guess it’s true what they say: “In Vino Veritas”. Oh, shit, am I going to return to the present? No, I can’t! Things are getting dark. I can feel my mind being yanked across the time stream.
No, scratch that. It’s just the rum. Oh, thank you, Captain Jack. No, Captain Morgan. Captain Jack is the yummy Johnny Depp. Wait, should I still find him yummy? I’m like the worst lesbian ever. Well, geez, I think every should get one exception.
But why is so dark?
Oh, that’s right.
Santana pulled herself back from Brittany’s chest. She screamed out, “You like me more than Artie, right? Right?!” Brittany, deaf except for the music, didn’t answer. “Please! You’re blond and awesome and so… warm.” She pressed the side of her head to Brittany’s neck. “Just kiss me.” Brittany was now close enough to hear Santana’s rambling, so she tilted her head down. Santana yanked one hand free so she could grabbed Brittany’s face for a searing kiss.
Finn was watching intently, his monologue long forgotten when Rachel slapped him with a mild amount of force. She squeezed his cheeks and pulled his face down to hers. “You were saying?” She grinned, forgiving the incident immediately.
Clearing his throat, Finn’s eyes scanned the room. He pointed towards where Sam and Puck were sitting on stage, their arms wrapped around each other. “Now we have the philosophical drunk who’s suddenly really deep and thoughtful… Sam, it seems…”
“You can’t do anything greater than what you’ve already done, unless you do something so great, it eclipses everything that you’ll ever do.”
Puck’s eyes shot open. “DUDE! You’re so right! It’s like fucking karma. Heh, I met a girl name Karma once.”
“Puck, too, in a way.” Finn then indicated the boys’ approaching girlfriends. “And now we’ll be introduced to the angry drunks… Zizes and Quinn.”
Lauren Zizes screamed at Puck, “I just realized; it’s not romantic to say that I’m so hot I look like a hot girl who ate two other hot girls!”
Quinn punched Sam in the stomach. Between her tiny fist and Sam’s strong midsection, he didn’t seem fazed. That is, until she started screaming: “I want those! I want them right here!” She tried to lift up her shirt, only to realize she was wearing a dress, so she lifted that up, only to realize that her jean jacket was in the way, so she threw that off, and then pulled her dress up to show off her well-toned stomach which had the faintest of stretch marks marring them.
She yelled at Puck, “This is all your fault!” She then proceeded to punch him in the stomach. “Ow,” she whimpered shaking out her hand. “Note to self, don’t get mad at Mike Chang, too.”
“I think those are the panties you were wearing when I knocked you up,” Puck joked, which got him punched in the stomach by Lauren, which made him crumple into a ball.
“Nice haircut, Puckerman,” Lauren called down to him.
Finn looked down at his girlfriend snuggled into his arm. “And we come back to the overly-lovey, cuddly drunk…”
Rachel burrowed further into Finn’s arm. “Is that me?”
“Yep. And not just you.”
Rachel extracted herself to see that Blaine was doing the same thing to Finn’s other arm.
He looked up to Finn’s face. “It’s so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Brothers. Wow. It’s like if Hagrid and Neville were brothers.”
Kurt sat down on Blaine’s other side and began to pull him off of Finn. “I’m just going to take this off your hands. Even if he’s giving me body issues with that comparison.”
“Well, who’s the sexy, fashionable Hogwarts character? Malfoy? He’s just a little shit.”
Kurt noted, “Okay, somebody’s tongue gets a little loose when they’re drunk.”
“Yeah!” Blaine pointed past Kurt where Santana and Brittany were French-kissing.
When Kurt turned back, Blaine had snuggled into him, and he didn’t look the least bit peeved about it.
Rachel was looking past Kurt, too. She told her boyfriend, “You lost your virginity to a lesbian.” She cracked up.
Finn carefully remarked, “You’re laughing about it. Does that mean we’re okay?”
Rachel’s face fell. “Almost. I’m a very dramatic person and I need to work through my anger. I should sing.” The thought left her mind. “Hey, you missed Mike!”
Finn watched Mike for a few seconds. “Well, Mike is about to demonstrate the ever-famous clumsy drunk.”
Mike stumbled around the room, vaguely in the direction of Tina and Mercedes. He bumped into the table, making it wobble. To correct it, he grabbed the edge, but the sudden movement sent the shot glasses rolling off the table. He dove for them, catching all three by chance. But a nearly-empty bottle of vodka was still dancing on the table, so Mike leapt off the floor using his dance skills, tossing one shot glass in the air and catching it with the hand that held the other two. He righted the bottle and placed the three shot glasses down. Proud of himself, he spun around, his hand knocking over a plastic cup castle on the minibar. He quickly grabbed every fallen cup and stacked them into four neat piles. Seemingly sober, he walked straight towards his girlfriend, tripping on the edge of the carpet, and falling down face-first with all the grace of a vaudevillian actor.
“Bravo!” Mercedes cried out.
“Encore! Encore!” Tina added, bouncing in her seat. She blew kisses.
Rachel’s eyes widened. “That gives me an idea!” She pushed herself up in her seat, using Finn’s groin as leverage. As the boy crumpled into a ball on the couch, Rachel cried out, “It’s time for Spin the Bottle!”
“In wine, there is liveliness.”
Author’s Note: The breakup flashback was completely unnecessary, even for word count goals. I just couldn’t deprive you of it.
Also, I’m fluent enough in Spanish not to be surprised by this, but I wasn’t aware exactly what “zorra” meant as a slang term of endearment. There’s not a single meaning outside the literal translation that doesn’t fit Santana to a T, but for some reason my brain actually thought it meant something like “foxy lady” or at worst “seductress.”
Part 2