Ben Franklin was way cool.
Benjamin Franklin was a motherfuckin' pimp.
Ben Franklin was the goddamn man. There are documented cases of him showing up to the drafting of the Declaration of Independance wasted. The French hated him because he kept taking their women. He was a true American man because he was a rugged hardass and a great inventor. And best of all, he was lazy as shit. It's true! Ben would have himself carried to work in a giant chair because he didn't feel like walking (this is entirely true). Ben invented the Post Office simply because he wanted to mail packages. He was so fucking cool.
Don't take my word for it, look at this facts I made up.
- Ben Franklin once ate a dog. Not because he was hungry but so that he could make some children cry.
- Ben Franklin could grow a moustache of steel wool.
- Ben Franklin gave a nickel to a poor boy on the street. The boy used the money to eat and avoid starving to death. That boy grew up to be Kelsey Grammer.
- Ben Franklin ate iron ore and shat nails. These nails were used to build ships which could go to the iron mines to feed his insatiable appetite.
- Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson had a public feud while writing the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson wanted the line "all men are created equal" while Franklin wanted "Ass, Gas or Grass... fuck it, get on my dick, Betsy Ross!"
- Ben Franklin once told John Quincy Adams that his sideburns were "faggy" (fact: They were not). He made fun of the name "Quincy".
- Ben Franklin could queef the alphabet. In French.
- Ben Franklin discovered electricity when he defeated Rayden in Mortal Kombat.
- Ben Franklin wrote an epic poem about the British soldiers, or "Lobsterbacks" as they were known because of their red coats. Music was written for this poem and the song "Rock Lobster" was created.
- Ben Franklin is on the hundred dollar bill.
- Ben Franklin cracked the Liberty Bell. With his dick.
- Ben Franklin once shot heroin into his eyeballs and won the Tour De France more times that Lance Armstrong.
- Ben Franklin published several books under the pseudonym "J.D. Salenger".
- And "J.K. Rowling".
- Ben Franklin invented the iPod so that he could listen to The Flaming Lips during Colonial Congress Meetings. When he realized the Flaming Lips wouldn't exist for 200 more years, he said "fuck it" and threw the iPod into the sea.
- Ben Franklin beat Battle Toads
- Ben Franklin could pee and poop at the same time!
- Ben Franklin brewed the Hurricane 40 to compete with Samuel Adams' brewery. Most historians believe he won the feud.
- Ben Franklin invented bifocals. He also invented edible panties, 60 Minutes 2 and Laffy Taffy.
- For 2 years of his life, Ben Franklin would only respond to the name "Rawhide".
- Ben Franklin informed the world that Chinese people do, in fact, jokingly urinate in cola.
- Ben Franklin wanted the American flag to be a giant picture of him kicking George Washington in the nuts.
- He also wanted to call the country "Batman: The Nation-States".
- Ben Franklin could ride a unicycle. And that's fucking boss.
Ben Franklin was the goddamn man. There are documented cases of him showing up to the drafting of the Declaration of Independance wasted. The French hated him because he kept taking their women. He was a true American man because he was a rugged hardass and a great inventor. And best of all, he was lazy as shit. It's true! Ben would have himself carried to work in a giant chair because he didn't feel like walking (this is entirely true). Ben invented the Post Office simply because he wanted to mail packages. He was so fucking cool.
Don't take my word for it, look at this facts I made up.
- Ben Franklin once ate a dog. Not because he was hungry but so that he could make some children cry.
- Ben Franklin could grow a moustache of steel wool.
- Ben Franklin gave a nickel to a poor boy on the street. The boy used the money to eat and avoid starving to death. That boy grew up to be Kelsey Grammer.
- Ben Franklin ate iron ore and shat nails. These nails were used to build ships which could go to the iron mines to feed his insatiable appetite.
- Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson had a public feud while writing the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson wanted the line "all men are created equal" while Franklin wanted "Ass, Gas or Grass... fuck it, get on my dick, Betsy Ross!"
- Ben Franklin once told John Quincy Adams that his sideburns were "faggy" (fact: They were not). He made fun of the name "Quincy".
- Ben Franklin could queef the alphabet. In French.
- Ben Franklin discovered electricity when he defeated Rayden in Mortal Kombat.
- Ben Franklin wrote an epic poem about the British soldiers, or "Lobsterbacks" as they were known because of their red coats. Music was written for this poem and the song "Rock Lobster" was created.
- Ben Franklin is on the hundred dollar bill.
- Ben Franklin cracked the Liberty Bell. With his dick.
- Ben Franklin once shot heroin into his eyeballs and won the Tour De France more times that Lance Armstrong.
- Ben Franklin published several books under the pseudonym "J.D. Salenger".
- And "J.K. Rowling".
- Ben Franklin invented the iPod so that he could listen to The Flaming Lips during Colonial Congress Meetings. When he realized the Flaming Lips wouldn't exist for 200 more years, he said "fuck it" and threw the iPod into the sea.
- Ben Franklin beat Battle Toads
- Ben Franklin could pee and poop at the same time!
- Ben Franklin brewed the Hurricane 40 to compete with Samuel Adams' brewery. Most historians believe he won the feud.
- Ben Franklin invented bifocals. He also invented edible panties, 60 Minutes 2 and Laffy Taffy.
- For 2 years of his life, Ben Franklin would only respond to the name "Rawhide".
- Ben Franklin informed the world that Chinese people do, in fact, jokingly urinate in cola.
- Ben Franklin wanted the American flag to be a giant picture of him kicking George Washington in the nuts.
- He also wanted to call the country "Batman: The Nation-States".
- Ben Franklin could ride a unicycle. And that's fucking boss.