Diaries of a Working Stiff - Vol. I
Note: This is a bunch of entries I never wrote. So it's kinda a quick summary of what the last month would have looked like in my livejournal if I had been interested in writing in it.
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Today I was considering the lives of people who work in toilet paper factories. I wonder how they feel every day when they go into work and know that all of their labor is simply going to get rubbed in the assholes of humanity.
Finding a job that you can be proud of is something that I think is important.
"Hey, Jenkins, did you meet quota today?"
"Well, sir, I was running a little behind, I'll make it up tomo--"
"Jenkins! Right now, there are people with Coffee-and-Cream colored diarrhea shit, the mostly liquid kind, who need to take your life's work and sponge up their ass-leakings. Don't give me excuses, give me product."
How do you not kill yourself every night?
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I got in trouble at work the other day. One of the managers came in and I was sitting on the counter behind the register. Now, it's worth pointing out, that this was early in the morning and the store was completely empty. As soon as I saw her entering, I realized that it was too late to dismount. She'd see the movement and know that I knew I was caught. Like a puppy that sheepishly sits to block your view of the damp carpet. Fuck that, I have pride. I went with plan B.
I copped a huge shit-eating grin and sat there as she came into the store. I waved 'hello'. If I'm gonna get caught doing something bad, I'm gonna play it off with some class, goddamn it. It's been my experience that if you look like you know what you're doing, you rarely get caught.
It almost worked too. She got the paperwork and started to leave. On her way out, she looked over her shoulder.
"We don't sit on the counters here."
Oh man, the dreaded first person plurality. It means that I'd violated the entire culture of the workplace. I apologized, still keeping my grin and hopped down.
"It's okay" she said. "No one told you, so you can't be expected to know."
And she left.
And I was offended that she didn't think that I knew better. Seriously. Of course I know better than that. What am I seven? No one, no where, lets employees sit on the shelving units! I demand more disciplinary action be taken against me!
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Everyone always says that it would be awful to be a proctologist but the starting salary is $90,000 - $125,000 a year. I'll put my finger in your ruby starfruit for 30.
******************
When I was in the third grade, we were told that adults use math every day of their lives and therefore it was important. At the time, I thought it was bullshit. However, I have since discovered that it is entirely true. I use math every single day at every job I've ever held.
But if you don't want to learn math, you can do non-math jobs. Like being an english teacher or a professional retard.
******************
The single biggest difference between pre and post graduation in my life has been that now I play Halo all by myself. This is totally not a joke.
******************
I want to get a tattoo. I even know exactly where I want it, but I don't know what I want to get. When you get a tattoo, it should be something that's important. Something that means everything to you. So I shouldn't just go for the cheap joke or something, you know? Like getting a potato on my ankle or the chinese symbol for "I Gargle Cum" (which the artist will tell me means "hope") on my shoulder.
So what makes me tick? What works for me? I looked at other people who got tattoos. The first option is to get a girl's name tattooed on me. I think I would play it safe and get the name of a girl I've never met. This means I don't have to deal with embarassment and heartbreak. I could get a tattoo that says "I Love You, LaShanda". I don't know any LaShandas. I don't know anyone who knows any LaShandas. I think that I'd be safe with that one. But then, what if I meet a beautiful girl at a bar? And I really like her, but she tells me her name is LaShanda? I'd have to run away.
Another popular tattoo is to get the lyrics to songs tattooed on you. That would be pretty cool. But then in thirty years I would have to explain to my kids what a "My Chemical Romance" is. I don't think I could do that without using the phrase "pudgy, Hot Topic Leonardo Dicaprio".
*******************
Random side note: speaking of the pudgy, Hot Topic Leonardo Dicaprio singer from My Chemical Romance, I would like to introduce a new word to the slang vernacular. What do you call someone who looks both gay and emo? E-'mo. Tell your friends.
*******************
I give My Chemical Romance a lot of shit, but the video for Helena is pretty cool. I dig the way it's done.
*******************
No fucking around. Dead serious here. I really think that I want my tattoo to be a very simple picture of a pirate with a ship's steering wheel protruding from his groin. I think that sums me up better than anything else.
******************
Today I was considering the lives of people who work in toilet paper factories. I wonder how they feel every day when they go into work and know that all of their labor is simply going to get rubbed in the assholes of humanity.
Finding a job that you can be proud of is something that I think is important.
"Hey, Jenkins, did you meet quota today?"
"Well, sir, I was running a little behind, I'll make it up tomo--"
"Jenkins! Right now, there are people with Coffee-and-Cream colored diarrhea shit, the mostly liquid kind, who need to take your life's work and sponge up their ass-leakings. Don't give me excuses, give me product."
How do you not kill yourself every night?
********************
I got in trouble at work the other day. One of the managers came in and I was sitting on the counter behind the register. Now, it's worth pointing out, that this was early in the morning and the store was completely empty. As soon as I saw her entering, I realized that it was too late to dismount. She'd see the movement and know that I knew I was caught. Like a puppy that sheepishly sits to block your view of the damp carpet. Fuck that, I have pride. I went with plan B.
I copped a huge shit-eating grin and sat there as she came into the store. I waved 'hello'. If I'm gonna get caught doing something bad, I'm gonna play it off with some class, goddamn it. It's been my experience that if you look like you know what you're doing, you rarely get caught.
It almost worked too. She got the paperwork and started to leave. On her way out, she looked over her shoulder.
"We don't sit on the counters here."
Oh man, the dreaded first person plurality. It means that I'd violated the entire culture of the workplace. I apologized, still keeping my grin and hopped down.
"It's okay" she said. "No one told you, so you can't be expected to know."
And she left.
And I was offended that she didn't think that I knew better. Seriously. Of course I know better than that. What am I seven? No one, no where, lets employees sit on the shelving units! I demand more disciplinary action be taken against me!
*******************
Everyone always says that it would be awful to be a proctologist but the starting salary is $90,000 - $125,000 a year. I'll put my finger in your ruby starfruit for 30.
******************
When I was in the third grade, we were told that adults use math every day of their lives and therefore it was important. At the time, I thought it was bullshit. However, I have since discovered that it is entirely true. I use math every single day at every job I've ever held.
But if you don't want to learn math, you can do non-math jobs. Like being an english teacher or a professional retard.
******************
The single biggest difference between pre and post graduation in my life has been that now I play Halo all by myself. This is totally not a joke.
******************
I want to get a tattoo. I even know exactly where I want it, but I don't know what I want to get. When you get a tattoo, it should be something that's important. Something that means everything to you. So I shouldn't just go for the cheap joke or something, you know? Like getting a potato on my ankle or the chinese symbol for "I Gargle Cum" (which the artist will tell me means "hope") on my shoulder.
So what makes me tick? What works for me? I looked at other people who got tattoos. The first option is to get a girl's name tattooed on me. I think I would play it safe and get the name of a girl I've never met. This means I don't have to deal with embarassment and heartbreak. I could get a tattoo that says "I Love You, LaShanda". I don't know any LaShandas. I don't know anyone who knows any LaShandas. I think that I'd be safe with that one. But then, what if I meet a beautiful girl at a bar? And I really like her, but she tells me her name is LaShanda? I'd have to run away.
Another popular tattoo is to get the lyrics to songs tattooed on you. That would be pretty cool. But then in thirty years I would have to explain to my kids what a "My Chemical Romance" is. I don't think I could do that without using the phrase "pudgy, Hot Topic Leonardo Dicaprio".
*******************
Random side note: speaking of the pudgy, Hot Topic Leonardo Dicaprio singer from My Chemical Romance, I would like to introduce a new word to the slang vernacular. What do you call someone who looks both gay and emo? E-'mo. Tell your friends.
*******************
I give My Chemical Romance a lot of shit, but the video for Helena is pretty cool. I dig the way it's done.
*******************
No fucking around. Dead serious here. I really think that I want my tattoo to be a very simple picture of a pirate with a ship's steering wheel protruding from his groin. I think that sums me up better than anything else.