INNER SANCTUM!!! - New! “Life’s Choices: Love, Sorrow and just in Between”
Well here is my first post under this new section called Inner Sanctum. This will cover a weekly update on my life, people special in my life like my loving boyfriend Bill and just my personal thoughts and feelings for all to enjoy or hate if you prefer lol. I am adding this to a hopefully weekly update to my other sections I post on here the like the Showcase Friday - Ghost Haunts , Murder and Mayhem I deem interesting to me and hopefully you .and the Magic Moments Monday - Showcasing music and also will be hosting movies and TV shows I deem interesting . So here is my first post of my “INNER SANCTUM”
Well I guess I don’t write enough about me and my feelings and my relationships with both people and my boyfriend. I wanted to start doing that more, but always felt that I really don’t have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. I always felt better in the shadows, working away without being noticed because of fear of being made fun of. I feel my interests and life are weird and are boring. Not sure about that but was encouraged by my better half Bill to write a blog and just write what I know and love. So this is a start of it. I feel kind of dumb sometimes with him and others who know a lot more about the world than I but I am an ambitious student and keep learning everyday. Well I titled this one “Life’s choices: Love, Sorrow and just in between” Because the other day one of my co-workers I work with at the company I work for was retiring. He was telling a group of us at lunch some stories he had when he was in Vietnam in 1968. Howard, his name is, told us of how he was a 22 yr old Platoon Leader at the time and how he was the oldest in his group. He had 17 men serving under him and they were deep in jungle most of the time, just fighting to survive. He told us of this black gentleman in his platoon, 18 years old and only had 2 weeks to go before being sent home, as he completed his tour there. This guy was so happy to go home and see his family he could hardly wait to get out of the daily hell that went on over there at that time. I guess a last minute deployment was needed and Howard had to pick a team to go back out and take control of an area of land. Without thinking too clear as he knew this guy was out in 2 weeks, chose his as one of his team of men to complete the task. Howard said he was one of the best in his platoon and knows he could handle the job. Well they were drop landed in by helicopter into this God awful area and was soon met by open fire from the enemy. He watched in horror as some of his platoon lost their lives including this young black gentleman. Howard rushed to his side as he was the closest to him and he lay there gasping out his last, saying “I guess I wont be going home Howie” and he died in his arms. Howard said he was reminded just then that this guy was going home and he started to cry uncontrollably. This was the first time he ever did this as I know Howard. He was a rough tough son of a bitch but had a heart of gold at work and to work with. He never came across as the crying kind. But he did then as he told us “My God , what have I done, I could have left this guy behind and he could have gone home” “I killed this young man” Howard said he has never gotten over that decision that day and wishes to God he could go back and make things right. I am relating this story to you because it got me to think about all the decisions I made in my life. And about decisions we make in our lives. I was told once that if you had the chance to go back and change the decisions you made in the past, you probably would not because at the time the decision you made was the best one as if was not you would have not selected it back them. Although there are exceptions to this rule. I thought about that and I probably feel that is correct most of the time. At the time I felt I made the best choice and decisions for myself. Just like Howard, he made the best choice because he one forgot about this guy leaving in 2 weeks and that is just human error and we all have that and will continue to have and two he chose this guy because he was the best decision to get the job done that needed done. As it is stated, life is about choices, and I believe that. I always have had the doubt about my life the same way. “Maybe I should have been a Architect and not a Accountant” Maybe I should have gone to this college and not the other” “ Maybe I should have lived at home and not got myself into a financial mess in my life letting my other jackass boyfriends put me in financial ruin.” But maybe all the trials, tears I shed and mistakes I made were just a journey to get me where I am now. The job I have now, the house I have now and without those jackass boyfriends I would have never met Bill, the love of my life. I am the kind of guy who was mistreated in the past, had ALLOT of emotional scars and still do. I was made fun of a lot as a kid due to me just being different. I was a nice and polite kid; I guess maybe being gay helped that along. I was also a freak due to me having a psychic ability at age 9 after a near death experience I had. So I have a horrible self esteem. But I know in time I can get better, just want the people in my life to just wait for me, I will be there soon. I know Bill thinks sometime I don’t love him or care much about him. But he so wrong with that and I admit I have my faults, I am no perfect guy by far but I love him so dearly, more than he realizes. He is such a perfect match to me and always makes me feel so special. He accepts me for me and I him. I feel like am James Gardner in the movie “Murphy’s Romance” When he tells Sally Field at the end that he’s got some wear, but he’s faithful, and stable and is in love for the last time in his life. And Sally Field tells him that she is in love for the first time in her life. I feel both with Bill. I am love for the last time and also finally “In Love” for the first time in my life with him. I get worried when he thinks I don’t care about him enough. I know we live in different cities but easily drivable. We both are new home owners and I always feel and want him to feel that in the times we are apart that I know he still loves me and is thinking about me. As I do him, I want him to just know he is always on my mind and in my heart. And to just trust me with his heart always. We do have a great relationship together and will keep you informed on how it goes. It will soon be a year together Whoo Hoo!! Lol I am the type of guy who can be lonely in a crowded room. And when I with others I am so happy but when you at home alone I usually think about all the bad past I had. I just can’t help it sometimes. I cry a lot and just hide the pain when I can. Well that is all I will say now. This a long post but more about my life and love and feelings will be updated each week. I will share more about me and my life and my relationship bliss. Thanks for joining me in the “INNER SANCTUM” come again and sit with me by the fireplace and I will tell ya more!