Fic!!
Title: Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Fandom: A7X/Atreyu
Pairing: M. Shadows/Alex Varkatzas. (brief) Matt/Val
Word Count: 4523
Rating: NC-17
Summary: "Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. It's haunting, how I can't seem to find myself again..."
Warning: Mentions of mpreg, rape, drug use, self harm. Very dark themed.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No harm is meant in the fun and games as this is all just the product of the authors over worked imagination. The bunnies made her do it.
A/N: For twstedsafetypin. You know why ♥ ♥! and lyrics fully belong to LP.
First fic I've written in forever so be nice to me :)
Alex felt like his life was completely falling apart around him and he didn’t know what to do or how to stop it and it would only be a matter of time before he too came undone. It had all started when he found out he was fucking pregnant of all things in this forsaken world. He’d never thought anything of the unprotected sex with Matt because he trusted the man with his life and later his heart so what could go wrong? Sex had just been wonderful sex, the most basic of pleasures, until he’d been told by the doctor at his check up that he was one of the few with a ‘beautiful gift’ and would be expecting in seven months time. He was a pregnant -man-. It wasn’t right or normal and that alone had set his unease into motion which made him pull away from his friend’s and in turn lead to Matt drunk one night - raping- him out of pent up sexual frustration caused by Alex’s excuses.
He’d lost a child to that rape as he’d discovered later on he’d been carrying twins and was in fact still pregnant. Matt had been the one to find him knelt on the floor that day in the bathroom, blood coating his thighs and pooling on the tile in a large dark puddle. Alex wasn’t sure how Matt discovered he was pregnant but his lover blamed himself for the miscarriage and the ugly dark bruise spread across his abdomen. Ultrasound’s later proved he’d lost the baby as a result of a trauma to his stomach and Alex knew the bruise matched where he’d been bent over the table while his lover took advantage of him. It was Matt’s fault and Alex knew this but the Greek wasn’t a malicious, vengeful person and just didn’t have it in him to bring the man down when he already felt bad enough.
Matt later began to pull away from him and focus his attention on his pretty little fiancé and the child they would be having together, only dropping in once in awhile for a quick fuck before leaving again. It always tore Alex apart inside watching the man he loved walk out his door and back to somebody else but Matt deserved to be happy and have his second chance and Alex was ready to give him that. That was until constant exhaustion and a strange dizzy spell put him back in the doctor’s office and a second positive pregnancy test in his hands.
He’d never even thought about parenthood, never once did it cross his mind and he’d been so fucking frightened since the day that first ‘Positive’ result had come back that he’d been almost relieved he’d had the miscarriage but the sayings of motherhood were true. They ran a scan on him at the check up to confirm and that day they’d discovered the second surviving child and he’d heard his baby’s heart beat loud and clear on the monitor making it hit home. He was going to be a parent. That was weeks ago and he’d had time to let it settle into his conscious, thinking about it often when just the other night as he’d been lying in bed unable to sleep, he'd really gotten to feel the baby move more then just the gas or indigestion he'd originally thought it to be. It was nothing more then a light tap followed by a slow rolling-flop inside of him but Alex knew what it was and so fucking badly did he want to call Matt and tell him the news.
-All- of the news as Alex hadn’t yet told Matt of the second pregnancy. But as he’d had the phone in his hands ready to dial the cruel reality had set in crushing his dreams and widening that gap that was growing in his chest. Matt was marrying Val. He loved her. A Man and Woman, the proper way a family environment should be to raise the child she too was pregnant with. After all Alex had only been the ‘mistress’ in this with no proper place and that was part of the reason he’d withheld the secret of his. He told himself he wanted Matt happy the way he was with Val but Alex also knew how bad he wanted him back so he called him over anyways.
Alex planned on telling him that night, he really did but as soon as Matt walked through his door looking so perfect with his raven hair glossy with sprinkles from the light rain outside and eyes such a rich honey color he couldn’t stop himself. It wasn’t long before their lips were on each other and not much after that they were upstairs naked and the bigger vocalist was thrusting deep into his body from behind with the blonde man moaning for more.
Things were still so tense with the father that even though it was one of the rare nights he was over and they were lying in the same bed, Alex knowing how much he should cherish it before the younger returned home to Val, they’d barely said two words to each other. Alex couldn’t even recall meeting those gentle hazel eyes once tonight and had lost his courage to tell Matt about the child leaving them in awkward silence. His belly was swelling to the point it was getting harder to hide it even with the lights off during sex and he was running out of excuses to use making him feel guilty as if he were ashamed of his child when he knew he should only be ashamed of himself. About the only good thing to come out of everything so far was the fact he was now five months along and his morning sickness had finally stopped sparing the poor singer from turning himself inside out with all the heaving he’d done.
So now here he was with Matt actually over and they weren’t talking to each other. What would the man say knowing there was a second child on the way? Would he stay by Alex’s side? Stay by Val and their engagement? Or would he call everything off and both people lose him all together? Would Matt even care about the stupid little fact that the baby had moved? Too many questions Alex didn’t know the answers to and tried not to let himself think about it, rather rolling over and letting himself doze off to the comforting sound of Matt’s light snores.
Alex loved sleeping as close to Matt as he could, savoring the body heat and the human touch. Despite everything going on around him, he was even having a pleasant dream until the onset of a hot flash made the comfortable warmth feel like an inferno. The vocalist groaned softly in annoyance and slowly pushed himself up with difficulty because of his growing middle and fanned lightly at his face glistening with moisture. As much as he would love to wake his lover and ask him to join him in the shower like old times where he’d experience loving touches that never let him forget how they felt for each other, Alex decided to let Matt sleep.
Honestly though, Alex knew he couldn’t ask Matt to join him. He hadn’t told him of his pregnancy and naked under the bright light of the bathroom there would be hiding the swell of his middle. Questions would arise and a fight would surely break out. Not to mention Alex would feel more pathetic then he already did asking for touches to his body just to be reassured he was loved and seen as sexy as he felt so fucking self conscious with his growing middle and rising numbers on the scale. So with a ghosting kiss to the younger man's forehead and smoothing some of that silken hair away from his eyes, Alex rolled himself to a stand and started for the bathroom.
It went on without much incident as he grabbed a fresh change of clothes along the way then headed into the bathroom and shut the door behind him so the light wouldn’t wake the sleeping vocalist. He set the water to a perfect temperature and took a nice cool shower, instantly feeling better. He was in the middle of washing when the bar of soap slipped from his hands and hit the bottom of the tub with a loud ‘bam’. “Dammit” he muttered with a frustrated sigh and thought he had his balance to lean down and get it. Unfortunately Alex still wasn’t used to the extra girth he had around his middle so when he reached for the soap it threw his balance and his foot slipped in the bottom of the tub nearly toppling him over.
Instinct and panic both set and he scrambled frantically for purchase, grasping at the safety rail attached to the tub but his body continued to slip pulling at the joint until he felt a sharp pain shoot up his forearm making him gasp. He’d trained in martial arts long enough to know instantly the limb was sprained, the joint already beginning to swell and throb. Luckily no longer looked like an amateur ice skater and took a moment to regain his bearings, letting the cool water calm him and rinse the soap away before he shut off the water and stepped out to awkwardly wrap a towel around his expanding waist line. He thought the night already bad but little did he know, things were about to get really complicated.
Alex knew he needed to tend to his wrist before anything and set about looking for the Ace bandage he knew to be around here somewhere but searching through the medicine cabinet and drawers turned up nothing. Grumbling in further annoyance at how bad this night was sucking and the stiffness of his lower back, the blonde vocalist carefully squatted down to start his search beneath the sink. It couldn’t have gone far! ‘There wasn’t too much under his sink so it shouldn’t be too hard to find’ he thought and pulled an old towel from the corner where it looked like it had fallen when a sudden ‘whack-clatter-clatter’ made him jump and drew his attention to the floor where it had fallen. The bottle was small and brown with a white top that made Alex’s brows furrow together in slight recognition as he picked it up and brought it to eye level. It was a plain pharmacy pill bottle about halfway full but had no label of any kind on it. The strange familiarity of the item compelled the singer to pop open the ‘easy open’ tabbed lid and looked inside but instantly wished he hadn’t as it brought him face to face with his demons.
Fear made him drop the bottle as if it burned him, scattering the white oval pills all across the bathroom floor. He’d thought he and Matt had cleared out his stash and all of his hiding places to take the steps to being sober, and he’d succeeded too! But he must have forgotten one and was now staring at the remnants of his favorite drug of choice. No, no he was clean now and wouldn’t go back to that! He wouldn’t give up all he’d accomplished! Alex turned his body so his good right hand was on the counter for support so he could get up but the action brought him face to face with the full length mirror and like the scene right out of a horror movie, it wasn't himself he saw standing in that reflection and it brought a look of terror across his features.
It all slammed into Alex harder than an out of control train speeding down the tracks making him forget the ache in his wrist. From one image to the next he was fifty pounds heavier, his lively cerulean eyes darkened to a haunted midnight blue and spikey, towel rubbed hair went from a light sandy blonde to a deep border line black color slathered in gel. The water droplets lingering on his lips were snakebites and the one on his nose a small stud. His perfectly shaped pregnant belly holding the precious little life of his and Matt’s child sagged and expanded to flabby unattractive fat. There staring at him in the mirror with a sadistic little grin was his demon “Ektor” he'd hoped never to have to see again.
Surely he was just hallucinating this or maybe he'd actually fallen in the shower and hit his head or possibly just a nightmare while he remained next to Matt in the big warm bed. But no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, Alex knew this was happening and the oval white pills scattered across the floor had reawakened the dormant beast. He hadn't meant to find them; it wasn’t as if he’d been looking for them either. It had been a complete accident and serious misfortune but the thing didn't know that; it only knew the addicting high and blissful numbness those white pills brought to Alex’s body and mind and how it wanted it.
Sparing another quick look to the bottle on the floor with some of the pills still inside, Alex could almost physically feel that numbness he used to cherish and his body drank it in greedily after so many years of repression. The effect it had on him was no different then a coke addict going into a relapse after his family had thought him clean; wonderful and disappointing mixed into one. Except in his case it was Vicodin his body and mind longed for. Alex could drink himself into oblivion with alcohol and mix all kinds of drugs together into a Brompton Cocktail but none gave him the same kind of effects or held as close a place to him as Vicodin did.
With one last hope it was just a hallucination Alex raised up his left hand and in perfect unison, Ektor did too, in fact mocking every move the singer made with perfect synchronization the way a reflection would until Alex was really beginning to see himself as that fat unwanted man plagued by problems as he drowned in his own self induced Hell. “He doesn't really love you. He's just taking pity where no one else would show it.” The thing whispered to him, retaining that same twisted grin and malice in those haunted eyes. “Nothing more then an easy, piece of ass willing and available at his beck and call.”
“It's not true! He loves me!" Alex said aloud, completely unaware he was the only one hearing the other side of this conversation. Once more the thing in the mirror’s laugh echoed loudly inside of Alex’s mind, the sound as dark and haunting as the pair of eyes staring back at him. The same pair of eyes from the man he used to be; drunk, bitter and angry. He was standing in the bathroom having a conversation with himself from two years ago. “Does he really? Or is it just what you keep telling yourself because it’s what you want to hear?” Ektor continued, cocking his head for an answer much the way a dog might. “If he really loves you then why does he walk out of your door to return to Val each and every night leaving you cold and alone in your bed? Why is it she who wears his ring of devotion? Has he ever even said the words to you? “They’re only three simple words.” Ektor mocked, that grin returning in place of the almost innocent tilt of his head. “Why should he? Look at you, you're nothing but a disgusting, lard ridden chunk completely useless and worthless to everyone around you. A wretched excuse for a human being.” It seethed and this time as Alex violently shook his head in denial, the thing staring back at him staying still.
The pregnant singer brought his good hand down to rest on his swollen middle but as the reflection showed him, it was nothing more then accumulated fat to where people scrunched up their noses at him or women whispered to each other then laughed whenever he went shirtless at the beach. Maybe the thing in the mirror was right? Matt had never paid him much attention in the way of attraction until he’d compulsively hit the gym and turned all that fat into muscle. If Matt really loved him he wouldn’t have cared how he looked and now that Alex was pregnant the muscle was disappearing beneath his swelling middle. How could Matt ever find this attractive?
Was it also the reason when they had sex it was always from the side or behind? (Of course he wasn't taking into consideration they did that because his belly would be in the way otherwise and he was trying to keep it hidden. And already unstable hormones weren't helping that fact either) "He tells me I'm sexy and how bad he wants me." Alex tried again a little louder this time as he tried to make his point, still unaware of the fact this was only going on in his mind and he was talking to his reflection.
“Only so he can get into your pants. Would you really spread your legs for him if he called you ‘fat’? Or told you Val means more to him? He sweet talks you only for his own benefit. He whispers despised degenerative things about you when he's alone to get it off his chest and free time away from you. You should hear the things he says to your friends after only a couple of beers.” Ektor said amusement thick in his tone and once more cocked his head as if waiting for Alex to react. “He thinks you weak and finds you a leeching nuisance he fears will never go away because you still go crawling back to him like a kicked dog. Rather pathetic it is the way you -need- him at twenty four years old. An open festering wound is all you are. He stays for the sake of the fame and you know this. You know he works tirelessly on his own personal project just to get away from the drama.” The thing laughed once more and Alex could feel himself shrinking beneath the venomous words while tears began to stream down his smooth pale cheeks.
"Shut up! Shut up! It's nothing but lies!" Alex shouted loudly and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “He did love the child. He feels sorrier for him losing it then he does losing you or your loss. What’s really the point in keeping the bastard child growing inside of you? Do you really want to be a single parent juggling two separate lives? Do you really think he’d devote the time to you with a new wife and -their- baby on the way?” Ektor continued. Alex knew the demon of his past reflected in the mirror was just fucking with him but at the same time he had his doubts as so much truth lingered in Ektor’s whispered words.
Alex felt he had lost Matt lately as he was hardly around and at times they were so awkward it nearly brought tears to the young singer’s eyes. Could he really bring a child into this? Could his own sanity handle it if he stood here talking to himself like Gollum from the cartoon he’d loved as a child? Even if he did have the baby, why should the poor child deal with passed back and forth between houses and parents as part of a joint custody? Or go take refuge at its safe place in the closet while they screamed at each other the rare times they came together? It wasn’t fair for anybody. Not for him who would always love Matt, not for the child and not for Val who was lucky enough to have him.
Alex dropped his eyes away from the reflection and down to the ground, his gaze once more landing on the pile of white pills near his feet. Oh how he longed for the silence in his mind and numbness of his body where none of this even existed. No baby, no drama and more importantly it could go back to that tour where he could stay wrapped in Matt’s arms safe and content. “Come on do it, you know you want to. They take away the pain of the reality and put you into the comfort you know will always be there. A comfort that wont ever leave you for somebody else the way Matt has.” It chided with sick excitement as if it picked up on what Alex as thinking. In a way it did know as Alex had to remind himself that person in the mirror was who he used to be, the one that did long for the pills and the sweet burn of alcohol racing down his throat. ”Just a couple of pills that’s all and it'll be no more worries. Only the bliss you continue to seek. You know how to achieve it so come on, what harm would a few do?”
Alex had thought his demons long conquered when he’d felt the pen scratching across the paper as he wrote his lyrics and the satisfying burn of his throat as he screamed them out for both his own personal therapy and the crowd’s enjoyment. That had been all he’d needed and it had worked for the time but maybe it never really was enough for him. Alex could see it with his eyes and feel his limbs moving as he bent to grab up a small handful of the cold chalky white pills but it was as if something else was controlling him, dancing the way a puppet would for its puppeteer.
Even so he needed that distraction; needed to silence the demon plaguing his mind like a dark ominous cloud, feeling just like it did before when he was younger...knowing it would stop for those simple white pills. They weren’t any fancy shape or color and lacked any kind of writing but they couldn’t be anymore beautiful to Alex. His mind was a mess, unable to grasp hold of one coherent thought or the consequences it could bring if he went through with this, only focusing on the now. His OB-GYN had cautioned him to the risk of hormone imbalances occurring in pregnant men but Alex had thought his child worth the risk and was paying that price for it now.
Swirling cerulean eyes flicked briefly to that grinning reflection once more, seeing the anticipation glinting in Ektor’s eyes as Alex pulled two small pills from the pile and lifted them towards his lips, his mouth almost watering like one of Pavlov’s trained dogs at the sound of the bell. “It’s only for the silence.” Alex told himself as if to make the reason he was breaking his sobriety more legitimate as he popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them quickly down. He could practically feel them sliding down his throat, dissolving along the way as he’d always preferred the fast acting kind and the relief was almost instant. His mind began to calm and body began to take on that comfortable humming bliss he’d enjoyed oh so much, Alex sighing softly as even the voice in the mirror eventually began to fade. The world didn’t seem so harsh like this.
Alex had always preferred to take enough until everything silenced and he could dwell in the peaceful nothingness but his supply was low and he best not be greedy and use them up all at once. Besides, the voices had stopped and it was allowing him to think straighter to the point when his eyes rose to the mirror he now saw himself rather then the demon of his past with his mocking gaze. He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood there but he knew now that his mind had silenced he wanted to sleep.
‘Need to clean up’ he thought and carefully knelt down once more to pick up every pill he saw and place them almost lovingly back into the container to pop the lid on. He needed to hide them again, a good spot where he could remember and have easy access and where his band mates wouldn’t find them. The last place seemed alright as they’d stayed hidden there as a safety net for when Alex had really needed them.
Seeing it as his best plan of action the blonde vocalist grabbed up the towel and rolled the bottle up into the middle of it to stuff it back in the far back corner, placing other towels, clothes, soaps and lotions in front of it hoping it wouldn’t draw too much attention to the area. If he were thinking normally he’d feel ashamed of himself for stooping so low and find solace back in his pills, but right now he could only be grateful for the silence they brought him.
He was in such a dazed state lingering in that drug induced silence that he didn’t allow many other thoughts to cross his mind so he moved back to the counter to dress in his clean change of clothes and flipped off the bathroom light. Matt still seemed to be asleep so Alex carefully crawled back into bed beside him feeling better both from his shower and the Vicodin now purring through his system. He was sure he’d be regretting his actions in the morning but for right now he wanted to get back to those nice dreams he’d been having and let his body press close against his lover before darkness eventually over took him.
note: Yes, Ektor and Alex are the same person. It would've been too confusing just using 'Alex' everywhere so I improvised. Enjoy!
Fandom: A7X/Atreyu
Pairing: M. Shadows/Alex Varkatzas. (brief) Matt/Val
Word Count: 4523
Rating: NC-17
Summary: "Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. It's haunting, how I can't seem to find myself again..."
Warning: Mentions of mpreg, rape, drug use, self harm. Very dark themed.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No harm is meant in the fun and games as this is all just the product of the authors over worked imagination. The bunnies made her do it.
A/N: For twstedsafetypin. You know why ♥ ♥! and lyrics fully belong to LP.
First fic I've written in forever so be nice to me :)
Alex felt like his life was completely falling apart around him and he didn’t know what to do or how to stop it and it would only be a matter of time before he too came undone. It had all started when he found out he was fucking pregnant of all things in this forsaken world. He’d never thought anything of the unprotected sex with Matt because he trusted the man with his life and later his heart so what could go wrong? Sex had just been wonderful sex, the most basic of pleasures, until he’d been told by the doctor at his check up that he was one of the few with a ‘beautiful gift’ and would be expecting in seven months time. He was a pregnant -man-. It wasn’t right or normal and that alone had set his unease into motion which made him pull away from his friend’s and in turn lead to Matt drunk one night - raping- him out of pent up sexual frustration caused by Alex’s excuses.
He’d lost a child to that rape as he’d discovered later on he’d been carrying twins and was in fact still pregnant. Matt had been the one to find him knelt on the floor that day in the bathroom, blood coating his thighs and pooling on the tile in a large dark puddle. Alex wasn’t sure how Matt discovered he was pregnant but his lover blamed himself for the miscarriage and the ugly dark bruise spread across his abdomen. Ultrasound’s later proved he’d lost the baby as a result of a trauma to his stomach and Alex knew the bruise matched where he’d been bent over the table while his lover took advantage of him. It was Matt’s fault and Alex knew this but the Greek wasn’t a malicious, vengeful person and just didn’t have it in him to bring the man down when he already felt bad enough.
Matt later began to pull away from him and focus his attention on his pretty little fiancé and the child they would be having together, only dropping in once in awhile for a quick fuck before leaving again. It always tore Alex apart inside watching the man he loved walk out his door and back to somebody else but Matt deserved to be happy and have his second chance and Alex was ready to give him that. That was until constant exhaustion and a strange dizzy spell put him back in the doctor’s office and a second positive pregnancy test in his hands.
He’d never even thought about parenthood, never once did it cross his mind and he’d been so fucking frightened since the day that first ‘Positive’ result had come back that he’d been almost relieved he’d had the miscarriage but the sayings of motherhood were true. They ran a scan on him at the check up to confirm and that day they’d discovered the second surviving child and he’d heard his baby’s heart beat loud and clear on the monitor making it hit home. He was going to be a parent. That was weeks ago and he’d had time to let it settle into his conscious, thinking about it often when just the other night as he’d been lying in bed unable to sleep, he'd really gotten to feel the baby move more then just the gas or indigestion he'd originally thought it to be. It was nothing more then a light tap followed by a slow rolling-flop inside of him but Alex knew what it was and so fucking badly did he want to call Matt and tell him the news.
-All- of the news as Alex hadn’t yet told Matt of the second pregnancy. But as he’d had the phone in his hands ready to dial the cruel reality had set in crushing his dreams and widening that gap that was growing in his chest. Matt was marrying Val. He loved her. A Man and Woman, the proper way a family environment should be to raise the child she too was pregnant with. After all Alex had only been the ‘mistress’ in this with no proper place and that was part of the reason he’d withheld the secret of his. He told himself he wanted Matt happy the way he was with Val but Alex also knew how bad he wanted him back so he called him over anyways.
Alex planned on telling him that night, he really did but as soon as Matt walked through his door looking so perfect with his raven hair glossy with sprinkles from the light rain outside and eyes such a rich honey color he couldn’t stop himself. It wasn’t long before their lips were on each other and not much after that they were upstairs naked and the bigger vocalist was thrusting deep into his body from behind with the blonde man moaning for more.
Things were still so tense with the father that even though it was one of the rare nights he was over and they were lying in the same bed, Alex knowing how much he should cherish it before the younger returned home to Val, they’d barely said two words to each other. Alex couldn’t even recall meeting those gentle hazel eyes once tonight and had lost his courage to tell Matt about the child leaving them in awkward silence. His belly was swelling to the point it was getting harder to hide it even with the lights off during sex and he was running out of excuses to use making him feel guilty as if he were ashamed of his child when he knew he should only be ashamed of himself. About the only good thing to come out of everything so far was the fact he was now five months along and his morning sickness had finally stopped sparing the poor singer from turning himself inside out with all the heaving he’d done.
So now here he was with Matt actually over and they weren’t talking to each other. What would the man say knowing there was a second child on the way? Would he stay by Alex’s side? Stay by Val and their engagement? Or would he call everything off and both people lose him all together? Would Matt even care about the stupid little fact that the baby had moved? Too many questions Alex didn’t know the answers to and tried not to let himself think about it, rather rolling over and letting himself doze off to the comforting sound of Matt’s light snores.
Alex loved sleeping as close to Matt as he could, savoring the body heat and the human touch. Despite everything going on around him, he was even having a pleasant dream until the onset of a hot flash made the comfortable warmth feel like an inferno. The vocalist groaned softly in annoyance and slowly pushed himself up with difficulty because of his growing middle and fanned lightly at his face glistening with moisture. As much as he would love to wake his lover and ask him to join him in the shower like old times where he’d experience loving touches that never let him forget how they felt for each other, Alex decided to let Matt sleep.
Honestly though, Alex knew he couldn’t ask Matt to join him. He hadn’t told him of his pregnancy and naked under the bright light of the bathroom there would be hiding the swell of his middle. Questions would arise and a fight would surely break out. Not to mention Alex would feel more pathetic then he already did asking for touches to his body just to be reassured he was loved and seen as sexy as he felt so fucking self conscious with his growing middle and rising numbers on the scale. So with a ghosting kiss to the younger man's forehead and smoothing some of that silken hair away from his eyes, Alex rolled himself to a stand and started for the bathroom.
It went on without much incident as he grabbed a fresh change of clothes along the way then headed into the bathroom and shut the door behind him so the light wouldn’t wake the sleeping vocalist. He set the water to a perfect temperature and took a nice cool shower, instantly feeling better. He was in the middle of washing when the bar of soap slipped from his hands and hit the bottom of the tub with a loud ‘bam’. “Dammit” he muttered with a frustrated sigh and thought he had his balance to lean down and get it. Unfortunately Alex still wasn’t used to the extra girth he had around his middle so when he reached for the soap it threw his balance and his foot slipped in the bottom of the tub nearly toppling him over.
Instinct and panic both set and he scrambled frantically for purchase, grasping at the safety rail attached to the tub but his body continued to slip pulling at the joint until he felt a sharp pain shoot up his forearm making him gasp. He’d trained in martial arts long enough to know instantly the limb was sprained, the joint already beginning to swell and throb. Luckily no longer looked like an amateur ice skater and took a moment to regain his bearings, letting the cool water calm him and rinse the soap away before he shut off the water and stepped out to awkwardly wrap a towel around his expanding waist line. He thought the night already bad but little did he know, things were about to get really complicated.
Alex knew he needed to tend to his wrist before anything and set about looking for the Ace bandage he knew to be around here somewhere but searching through the medicine cabinet and drawers turned up nothing. Grumbling in further annoyance at how bad this night was sucking and the stiffness of his lower back, the blonde vocalist carefully squatted down to start his search beneath the sink. It couldn’t have gone far! ‘There wasn’t too much under his sink so it shouldn’t be too hard to find’ he thought and pulled an old towel from the corner where it looked like it had fallen when a sudden ‘whack-clatter-clatter’ made him jump and drew his attention to the floor where it had fallen. The bottle was small and brown with a white top that made Alex’s brows furrow together in slight recognition as he picked it up and brought it to eye level. It was a plain pharmacy pill bottle about halfway full but had no label of any kind on it. The strange familiarity of the item compelled the singer to pop open the ‘easy open’ tabbed lid and looked inside but instantly wished he hadn’t as it brought him face to face with his demons.
Fear made him drop the bottle as if it burned him, scattering the white oval pills all across the bathroom floor. He’d thought he and Matt had cleared out his stash and all of his hiding places to take the steps to being sober, and he’d succeeded too! But he must have forgotten one and was now staring at the remnants of his favorite drug of choice. No, no he was clean now and wouldn’t go back to that! He wouldn’t give up all he’d accomplished! Alex turned his body so his good right hand was on the counter for support so he could get up but the action brought him face to face with the full length mirror and like the scene right out of a horror movie, it wasn't himself he saw standing in that reflection and it brought a look of terror across his features.
It all slammed into Alex harder than an out of control train speeding down the tracks making him forget the ache in his wrist. From one image to the next he was fifty pounds heavier, his lively cerulean eyes darkened to a haunted midnight blue and spikey, towel rubbed hair went from a light sandy blonde to a deep border line black color slathered in gel. The water droplets lingering on his lips were snakebites and the one on his nose a small stud. His perfectly shaped pregnant belly holding the precious little life of his and Matt’s child sagged and expanded to flabby unattractive fat. There staring at him in the mirror with a sadistic little grin was his demon “Ektor” he'd hoped never to have to see again.
Surely he was just hallucinating this or maybe he'd actually fallen in the shower and hit his head or possibly just a nightmare while he remained next to Matt in the big warm bed. But no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, Alex knew this was happening and the oval white pills scattered across the floor had reawakened the dormant beast. He hadn't meant to find them; it wasn’t as if he’d been looking for them either. It had been a complete accident and serious misfortune but the thing didn't know that; it only knew the addicting high and blissful numbness those white pills brought to Alex’s body and mind and how it wanted it.
Sparing another quick look to the bottle on the floor with some of the pills still inside, Alex could almost physically feel that numbness he used to cherish and his body drank it in greedily after so many years of repression. The effect it had on him was no different then a coke addict going into a relapse after his family had thought him clean; wonderful and disappointing mixed into one. Except in his case it was Vicodin his body and mind longed for. Alex could drink himself into oblivion with alcohol and mix all kinds of drugs together into a Brompton Cocktail but none gave him the same kind of effects or held as close a place to him as Vicodin did.
With one last hope it was just a hallucination Alex raised up his left hand and in perfect unison, Ektor did too, in fact mocking every move the singer made with perfect synchronization the way a reflection would until Alex was really beginning to see himself as that fat unwanted man plagued by problems as he drowned in his own self induced Hell. “He doesn't really love you. He's just taking pity where no one else would show it.” The thing whispered to him, retaining that same twisted grin and malice in those haunted eyes. “Nothing more then an easy, piece of ass willing and available at his beck and call.”
“It's not true! He loves me!" Alex said aloud, completely unaware he was the only one hearing the other side of this conversation. Once more the thing in the mirror’s laugh echoed loudly inside of Alex’s mind, the sound as dark and haunting as the pair of eyes staring back at him. The same pair of eyes from the man he used to be; drunk, bitter and angry. He was standing in the bathroom having a conversation with himself from two years ago. “Does he really? Or is it just what you keep telling yourself because it’s what you want to hear?” Ektor continued, cocking his head for an answer much the way a dog might. “If he really loves you then why does he walk out of your door to return to Val each and every night leaving you cold and alone in your bed? Why is it she who wears his ring of devotion? Has he ever even said the words to you? “They’re only three simple words.” Ektor mocked, that grin returning in place of the almost innocent tilt of his head. “Why should he? Look at you, you're nothing but a disgusting, lard ridden chunk completely useless and worthless to everyone around you. A wretched excuse for a human being.” It seethed and this time as Alex violently shook his head in denial, the thing staring back at him staying still.
The pregnant singer brought his good hand down to rest on his swollen middle but as the reflection showed him, it was nothing more then accumulated fat to where people scrunched up their noses at him or women whispered to each other then laughed whenever he went shirtless at the beach. Maybe the thing in the mirror was right? Matt had never paid him much attention in the way of attraction until he’d compulsively hit the gym and turned all that fat into muscle. If Matt really loved him he wouldn’t have cared how he looked and now that Alex was pregnant the muscle was disappearing beneath his swelling middle. How could Matt ever find this attractive?
Was it also the reason when they had sex it was always from the side or behind? (Of course he wasn't taking into consideration they did that because his belly would be in the way otherwise and he was trying to keep it hidden. And already unstable hormones weren't helping that fact either) "He tells me I'm sexy and how bad he wants me." Alex tried again a little louder this time as he tried to make his point, still unaware of the fact this was only going on in his mind and he was talking to his reflection.
“Only so he can get into your pants. Would you really spread your legs for him if he called you ‘fat’? Or told you Val means more to him? He sweet talks you only for his own benefit. He whispers despised degenerative things about you when he's alone to get it off his chest and free time away from you. You should hear the things he says to your friends after only a couple of beers.” Ektor said amusement thick in his tone and once more cocked his head as if waiting for Alex to react. “He thinks you weak and finds you a leeching nuisance he fears will never go away because you still go crawling back to him like a kicked dog. Rather pathetic it is the way you -need- him at twenty four years old. An open festering wound is all you are. He stays for the sake of the fame and you know this. You know he works tirelessly on his own personal project just to get away from the drama.” The thing laughed once more and Alex could feel himself shrinking beneath the venomous words while tears began to stream down his smooth pale cheeks.
"Shut up! Shut up! It's nothing but lies!" Alex shouted loudly and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “He did love the child. He feels sorrier for him losing it then he does losing you or your loss. What’s really the point in keeping the bastard child growing inside of you? Do you really want to be a single parent juggling two separate lives? Do you really think he’d devote the time to you with a new wife and -their- baby on the way?” Ektor continued. Alex knew the demon of his past reflected in the mirror was just fucking with him but at the same time he had his doubts as so much truth lingered in Ektor’s whispered words.
Alex felt he had lost Matt lately as he was hardly around and at times they were so awkward it nearly brought tears to the young singer’s eyes. Could he really bring a child into this? Could his own sanity handle it if he stood here talking to himself like Gollum from the cartoon he’d loved as a child? Even if he did have the baby, why should the poor child deal with passed back and forth between houses and parents as part of a joint custody? Or go take refuge at its safe place in the closet while they screamed at each other the rare times they came together? It wasn’t fair for anybody. Not for him who would always love Matt, not for the child and not for Val who was lucky enough to have him.
Alex dropped his eyes away from the reflection and down to the ground, his gaze once more landing on the pile of white pills near his feet. Oh how he longed for the silence in his mind and numbness of his body where none of this even existed. No baby, no drama and more importantly it could go back to that tour where he could stay wrapped in Matt’s arms safe and content. “Come on do it, you know you want to. They take away the pain of the reality and put you into the comfort you know will always be there. A comfort that wont ever leave you for somebody else the way Matt has.” It chided with sick excitement as if it picked up on what Alex as thinking. In a way it did know as Alex had to remind himself that person in the mirror was who he used to be, the one that did long for the pills and the sweet burn of alcohol racing down his throat. ”Just a couple of pills that’s all and it'll be no more worries. Only the bliss you continue to seek. You know how to achieve it so come on, what harm would a few do?”
Alex had thought his demons long conquered when he’d felt the pen scratching across the paper as he wrote his lyrics and the satisfying burn of his throat as he screamed them out for both his own personal therapy and the crowd’s enjoyment. That had been all he’d needed and it had worked for the time but maybe it never really was enough for him. Alex could see it with his eyes and feel his limbs moving as he bent to grab up a small handful of the cold chalky white pills but it was as if something else was controlling him, dancing the way a puppet would for its puppeteer.
Even so he needed that distraction; needed to silence the demon plaguing his mind like a dark ominous cloud, feeling just like it did before when he was younger...knowing it would stop for those simple white pills. They weren’t any fancy shape or color and lacked any kind of writing but they couldn’t be anymore beautiful to Alex. His mind was a mess, unable to grasp hold of one coherent thought or the consequences it could bring if he went through with this, only focusing on the now. His OB-GYN had cautioned him to the risk of hormone imbalances occurring in pregnant men but Alex had thought his child worth the risk and was paying that price for it now.
Swirling cerulean eyes flicked briefly to that grinning reflection once more, seeing the anticipation glinting in Ektor’s eyes as Alex pulled two small pills from the pile and lifted them towards his lips, his mouth almost watering like one of Pavlov’s trained dogs at the sound of the bell. “It’s only for the silence.” Alex told himself as if to make the reason he was breaking his sobriety more legitimate as he popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them quickly down. He could practically feel them sliding down his throat, dissolving along the way as he’d always preferred the fast acting kind and the relief was almost instant. His mind began to calm and body began to take on that comfortable humming bliss he’d enjoyed oh so much, Alex sighing softly as even the voice in the mirror eventually began to fade. The world didn’t seem so harsh like this.
Alex had always preferred to take enough until everything silenced and he could dwell in the peaceful nothingness but his supply was low and he best not be greedy and use them up all at once. Besides, the voices had stopped and it was allowing him to think straighter to the point when his eyes rose to the mirror he now saw himself rather then the demon of his past with his mocking gaze. He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood there but he knew now that his mind had silenced he wanted to sleep.
‘Need to clean up’ he thought and carefully knelt down once more to pick up every pill he saw and place them almost lovingly back into the container to pop the lid on. He needed to hide them again, a good spot where he could remember and have easy access and where his band mates wouldn’t find them. The last place seemed alright as they’d stayed hidden there as a safety net for when Alex had really needed them.
Seeing it as his best plan of action the blonde vocalist grabbed up the towel and rolled the bottle up into the middle of it to stuff it back in the far back corner, placing other towels, clothes, soaps and lotions in front of it hoping it wouldn’t draw too much attention to the area. If he were thinking normally he’d feel ashamed of himself for stooping so low and find solace back in his pills, but right now he could only be grateful for the silence they brought him.
He was in such a dazed state lingering in that drug induced silence that he didn’t allow many other thoughts to cross his mind so he moved back to the counter to dress in his clean change of clothes and flipped off the bathroom light. Matt still seemed to be asleep so Alex carefully crawled back into bed beside him feeling better both from his shower and the Vicodin now purring through his system. He was sure he’d be regretting his actions in the morning but for right now he wanted to get back to those nice dreams he’d been having and let his body press close against his lover before darkness eventually over took him.
note: Yes, Ektor and Alex are the same person. It would've been too confusing just using 'Alex' everywhere so I improvised. Enjoy!