Love Is Only A Feeling, Chapter 4.
Chapter 4.
The café was a lovely place. Small, cozy and full of lively colours and lovely scents, Geoff couldn't have possibly picked a better place to have a nice chat and catch up with an old friend. Zowie, however, felt more uneasy by the second. Forced to break her one golden rule, Zowie had reluctantly crossed that imaginary border that the Harbor Freeway represented in her mind to now sit at a place that weighed down on her oppressively.
Just looking around made her feel uncomfortable. Everyone looked their best, mindful of their appearances, but it wasn't until her eyes fell on two girls about her age sitting a couple of tables to their left that Zowie truly began to feel self-conscious. Their perfectly groomed hair and clothes were a painful contrast to Zowie's old sweater and long, dishevelled hair, and ice began to form around her heart at the sight. That was how she was supposed to be, Zowie realised. Hadn't she lost herself in the web of her addiction, Zowie too would have probably looked her best right now.
That was why she never crossed the Freeway, she realised. Because it reminded her of all that she had lost. Of how badly she had failed.
Zowie felt trapped, but the worst part was knowing that the drilling had yet to begin. A waitress came and deposited two coffee cups and two bagels on their table, and although the coffee's inviting scent tickled her nostrils and the bagel looked absolutely delicious, the sole thought of eating made her feel sick. She didn't want to be there! When Geoff smiled and Zowie saw herself compelled to smile back, she had to control the urge of bolting up and running away.
“So, Zowie. Tell me all about it.” Geoff said and Zowie stole a quick look around. She briefly considered arguing about the place's lack of privacy, but the certainty that Geoff would do his best to find another place to talk kept her mouth shut.
Still trying to gain some time as her mind tried to come up with the right answers to the questions that would surely come, Zowie tried to distract him.
“About what?” She asked, trying to earn herself more time. Adding sugar to her coffee, she deliberately stirred it for the longest time, if only to avoid his inquisitive eyes.
“Everything. How you're doing, what you've been up to... all of it. It's been a long time, Zowie. I haven't heard from you since Rings ended.” A knot twisted Zowie's stomach at those words. “I was surprised when your dad told me you had moved to America. What brought you here, girl? And when did you arrive?”
It amazed Zowie how one person could ask so many wrong questions in just one breath, but it also unsettled her beyond belief. She had always liked Geoff; he was an easy person to get along with and after knowing each other for such a long time, they had as much of a friendship as Zowie could have with a man that could have been her dad. In that precise instant, however, she hated him, and she would have given what little she possessed to be somewhere else instead of answering his curious questions.
Her dad, why she had moved, what she had been up to... Zowie shivered inwardly. Those were all topics she didn't want to cover. She could have made small, uncompromising talk for the whole afternoon, but that... that she had no idea how to deal with.
“I... well... not a lot, really.” She said, and when Geoff gave her a confused look, she rushed to add. “I haven't been up to a lot.”
Her answer was clearly not enough for him and he prodded on, wanting her to elaborate.
“Feeling shy, Zowie? Now this is something I never thought I'd see!” Geoff smiled at his own joke and Zowie, although she intended to imitate his gesture, ended up sketching a grimace instead. “Come on, I'm sure there's a lot to be told. When did you move here? Your dad told me you came here to work, but he didn't say much else.”
Zowie drew in a shaky breath, willing the sudden heaviness in her chest to go away before she gave Geoff even more to think about. Matt and his instability, she knew how to handle, but this unknown that unravelled before her? It scared her to death.
Where to begin so it all ended as quickly as possible? If she couldn't avoid Geoff, then the one thing left to do was try and satisfy his curiosity without giving too much away.
“I moved here almost three years ago.” Zowie finally said. “And yes, I did come for work.” Was it obvious that she didn't feel inclined to elaborate? And that she was trying to avoid the topic as much as she could? If Geoff thought so, he didn't show it. Trying to turn the attention back on him, she added. “But what about you? You said you moved here, what, a year ago?”
Geoff nodded.
“Give or take, yes. I've been working non-stop ever since.”
Zowie nodded, willing him to carry on.
“Really? That's great.” She said, trying to muster some enthusiasm. “What are you doing?”
“What I did in back in New Zealand. I've been training actors for movies.”
As soon as Geoff spoke those words, the world halted around Zowie and her heart, stopping for what seemed an eternity, soon began thumping heavily again, the pumping of blood almost deafening in her ears.
Had she heard right? Had her ears tricked her? Zowie could barely believe it. Had Geoff just said he was training actors? Her mouth went dry as the most varied emotions crashed within her.
Why? Why him, and not her? What did Geoff have that she didn't? Zowie's chest began to heave. Never in her entire life had she felt more frustrated or angry at the world than she did in that instant. It was so unfair, so damn unfair! She was just as talented and capable, perhaps even more so, than Geoff. She had been training from an early age and sword fighting held absolutely no secrets for her. Was it her age that played against her, or was it the fact that she was a woman? Zowie didn't know, but her frustration at knowing that this guy had got the job she had always wanted almost made her ballistic.
“Really?” She asked sharply, more out of courtesy than honest curiosity. Then, as if some masochistic entity had taken over her, she added. “Was it hard for you get those jobs?”
“Not really,” Geoff answered and at those words, Zowie fisted her hands under the table, her nails digging into her skin so deeply, they left tiny half-moon shaped marks there. “I got my first job right after I got here and it picked up from there. In fact, I'm travelling to Europe in a couple of months. Big, big project,” he explained, taking a bite of his bagel. “I'm very excited about it.”
Zowie smiled, but she was sure it was the coldest, phoniest smile anyone had ever emitted. Did it look like she wanted to share his joy, when he had probably been the one she had lost all her job interviews to? Absolutely not. Why didn't she stand up and left in that instant, Zowie would never know.
“But we haven't stopped talking about me.” Geoff scolded her suddenly with a light tone. “What about you? What do you do for a living?”
Zowie gritted her teeth. Accepting his invitation had been a bad, bad idea.
“I'm taking some time off at the moment. Trying to decide what to do next.”
Curt and sharp, Zowie's answer prompted a concerned look from Geoff. Did she really think she was doing a good job of hiding her emotions? Uneasiness had been radiating from her ever since he had laid eyes on her, and it had only intensified after he mentioned his job, turning Zowie's eyes into a stormy shade of blue.
Anxiety bit at Geoff's insides at that. This Zowie who sat before him... it wasn't the same girl he used to know. Years had passed, yes, but her change wasn't a consequence to the mere passing of time. Something entirely different was in action here, something he couldn't quite put his finger on, and it drove him insane.
What had William told him when mentioning Zowie's move to Los Angeles? That he feared that becoming a sword fighting coach wasn't the sole motivation behind that decision. That he feared that his daughter, besotted with Orlando, had decided to follow him. Zowie's feelings had never been a secret but as he looked at her, Geoff doubted her sole infatuation with Orlando had prompted such change in her.
Zowie had always been thin; a sporty, strong, healthy kind of thin. Now, however, it was obvious just by looking at her how much weight she had lost. She wasn't skin and bones yet, but Geoff realised with a shiver that she might as well be well on her way. Her face, for example, was enough to set an alarm off in his mind. While it lacked the softness it had once had in a way that made her stubborn jawline painfully notorious, it was her eyes what scared Geoff the most. Once bright, smart and attentive, Zowie's blue eyes now look haunted and lifeless, much too big for her thin face. He couldn't see her body in her baggy clothes, but he would never forget the feeling of the thin, frail arms he had held in the street.
What would William and Noemie do if they saw Zowie in that instant? She looked dishevelled, as if she hadn't taken care of her appearance in a long, long time, and while her clothes were clean, it was obvious they had seen better days a long time ago. And not just that, they also covered her entirely, something very unusual for a sun-loving creature such as Zowie. What was going on there? Something about her screamed at him for help and that was a voice he couldn't deafen himself to.
“Have you tried your bagel?” Geoff prompted her. “It's really good. The best one I've had in a while.”
Zowie took a deep breath. Her stomach rebelled against the thought, but not wanting to attract any more unwanted attention on herself, she tore a piece of the bagel and took it to her mouth.
“It's really good.” She echoed, although the bagel tasted like sand in her mouth.
Wanting to prod her some more and see how much information he got, Geoff carried on.
“How are your parents? Have you talked to them lately?”
Zowie almost chocked. It would be impossible for her to forget the last time she had talked to William in Wellington's airport, but no matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn't recall when was the last time she had heard Noemie's voice.
“Some time ago,” she lied. “I'm in contact with them through emails, mostly. With Jared, especially.”
That, for once, was true. It had been a long time, probably months, since she had last sent her brother an email, but she did drop him a line every once in a while, even if she hated herself afterwards for disturbing him and distracting him from his law studies. Jared should be enjoying himself, not worrying about his sister!
“That's good.” Geoff said, although he could perceive Zowie's purposeful vagueness. “Perhaps I could visit you one of these days and catch up some more? Do some sparring, even, for the old times' sake?”
When Zowie looked up at him, Geoff's heart skipped a beat. Dark and wide, her eyes had suddenly come to life with an alarm that puzzled him. What had Zowie heard in his words that had affected her so much? That he wanted to visit her? That one look proved his suspicions right. There was something that Zowie didn't want him to see, and Geoff felt the urge of pulling strongly at this thread offered at him, wanting with all his heart to unravel the mystery.
Almost magically, Zowie's discomfort had vanished. It had been replaced, however, by true and sheer fear the moment Geoff mentioned wanting to visit her. That couldn't happen! She hadn't worked so hard to keep her reality a secret to have him waltz into her life as freely as he wanted to!
“Maybe, yes.” She conceded, although she knew in her heart that she would rather die than letting that happen. Then, before Geoff could even come up with another question, Zowie threw a quick glance at the clock on the wall behind him and put on a surprised face. “Oh my God, look at the time! I'm so sorry, Geoff, but I've got to go.” She said, standing up to reinforce her words. “I've got a lot of things to do and I'm running late and...”
“Oh, it's okay, I understand.” Geoff said, interrupting her tirade just as Zowie began to run out of excuses. However, he took her hand in his before she could run away “Why don't you give me your number?” He asked, producing a phone from his back pocket. “So I know where to contact you. You don't expect me to walk around this area and wait until we walk into each other again, right?”
Zowie knew Geoff had intended those words as a joke, but she couldn't help but feel a hint of a threat there; at least, a threat to the life she had been leading. If she wanted to keep that secret, then Geoff walking around her neighbourhood was out of the question.
“I don't have a cell right now.” Technically, Zowie wasn't lying, but she still felt uneasy. She did have a phone somewhere, but she hadn't used it in ages and she doubted it even worked anymore.
“It's okay. Is there a number where I can contact you, anyway?” Geoff pressed on.
Zowie felt trapped. Not giving Geoff a number meant opening the door for his curiosity to wander freely, and that was something she wanted to avoid at all costs. It was then that her old phone suddenly came to mind. Even if it didn't work, it could still help her in two different ways: it would offer Geoff a number where to contact her and, if it truly didn't work, then it would give her an excuse for not answering his call. Digging deeply in her memory, she managed to unearth the number, which she dutifully recited to Geoff as he added it to his phone's contact list. She was about to run away when he slipped a business card in her hand.
“This is my number, Zow.” He said. “Call me any time. Whenever you need me, just do it, okay?”
Why did Zowie feel that, after only a short conversation, Geoff knew exactly what was going on? The idea filled her with fear, a fear that prompted her to run away after a quick thank you. She walked at a normal pace until she knew Geoff couldn't see her anymore, but once she was sure she was out of sight, Zowie collapsed against the nearest wall, her chest heaving as she held her throbbing head in her hands. What was Geoff doing there? Why him, why now? She had a million questions in her mind, and only one certainty: that whatever that meeting meant, it couldn't be good for her. Not at all.
The café was a lovely place. Small, cozy and full of lively colours and lovely scents, Geoff couldn't have possibly picked a better place to have a nice chat and catch up with an old friend. Zowie, however, felt more uneasy by the second. Forced to break her one golden rule, Zowie had reluctantly crossed that imaginary border that the Harbor Freeway represented in her mind to now sit at a place that weighed down on her oppressively.
Just looking around made her feel uncomfortable. Everyone looked their best, mindful of their appearances, but it wasn't until her eyes fell on two girls about her age sitting a couple of tables to their left that Zowie truly began to feel self-conscious. Their perfectly groomed hair and clothes were a painful contrast to Zowie's old sweater and long, dishevelled hair, and ice began to form around her heart at the sight. That was how she was supposed to be, Zowie realised. Hadn't she lost herself in the web of her addiction, Zowie too would have probably looked her best right now.
That was why she never crossed the Freeway, she realised. Because it reminded her of all that she had lost. Of how badly she had failed.
Zowie felt trapped, but the worst part was knowing that the drilling had yet to begin. A waitress came and deposited two coffee cups and two bagels on their table, and although the coffee's inviting scent tickled her nostrils and the bagel looked absolutely delicious, the sole thought of eating made her feel sick. She didn't want to be there! When Geoff smiled and Zowie saw herself compelled to smile back, she had to control the urge of bolting up and running away.
“So, Zowie. Tell me all about it.” Geoff said and Zowie stole a quick look around. She briefly considered arguing about the place's lack of privacy, but the certainty that Geoff would do his best to find another place to talk kept her mouth shut.
Still trying to gain some time as her mind tried to come up with the right answers to the questions that would surely come, Zowie tried to distract him.
“About what?” She asked, trying to earn herself more time. Adding sugar to her coffee, she deliberately stirred it for the longest time, if only to avoid his inquisitive eyes.
“Everything. How you're doing, what you've been up to... all of it. It's been a long time, Zowie. I haven't heard from you since Rings ended.” A knot twisted Zowie's stomach at those words. “I was surprised when your dad told me you had moved to America. What brought you here, girl? And when did you arrive?”
It amazed Zowie how one person could ask so many wrong questions in just one breath, but it also unsettled her beyond belief. She had always liked Geoff; he was an easy person to get along with and after knowing each other for such a long time, they had as much of a friendship as Zowie could have with a man that could have been her dad. In that precise instant, however, she hated him, and she would have given what little she possessed to be somewhere else instead of answering his curious questions.
Her dad, why she had moved, what she had been up to... Zowie shivered inwardly. Those were all topics she didn't want to cover. She could have made small, uncompromising talk for the whole afternoon, but that... that she had no idea how to deal with.
“I... well... not a lot, really.” She said, and when Geoff gave her a confused look, she rushed to add. “I haven't been up to a lot.”
Her answer was clearly not enough for him and he prodded on, wanting her to elaborate.
“Feeling shy, Zowie? Now this is something I never thought I'd see!” Geoff smiled at his own joke and Zowie, although she intended to imitate his gesture, ended up sketching a grimace instead. “Come on, I'm sure there's a lot to be told. When did you move here? Your dad told me you came here to work, but he didn't say much else.”
Zowie drew in a shaky breath, willing the sudden heaviness in her chest to go away before she gave Geoff even more to think about. Matt and his instability, she knew how to handle, but this unknown that unravelled before her? It scared her to death.
Where to begin so it all ended as quickly as possible? If she couldn't avoid Geoff, then the one thing left to do was try and satisfy his curiosity without giving too much away.
“I moved here almost three years ago.” Zowie finally said. “And yes, I did come for work.” Was it obvious that she didn't feel inclined to elaborate? And that she was trying to avoid the topic as much as she could? If Geoff thought so, he didn't show it. Trying to turn the attention back on him, she added. “But what about you? You said you moved here, what, a year ago?”
Geoff nodded.
“Give or take, yes. I've been working non-stop ever since.”
Zowie nodded, willing him to carry on.
“Really? That's great.” She said, trying to muster some enthusiasm. “What are you doing?”
“What I did in back in New Zealand. I've been training actors for movies.”
As soon as Geoff spoke those words, the world halted around Zowie and her heart, stopping for what seemed an eternity, soon began thumping heavily again, the pumping of blood almost deafening in her ears.
Had she heard right? Had her ears tricked her? Zowie could barely believe it. Had Geoff just said he was training actors? Her mouth went dry as the most varied emotions crashed within her.
Why? Why him, and not her? What did Geoff have that she didn't? Zowie's chest began to heave. Never in her entire life had she felt more frustrated or angry at the world than she did in that instant. It was so unfair, so damn unfair! She was just as talented and capable, perhaps even more so, than Geoff. She had been training from an early age and sword fighting held absolutely no secrets for her. Was it her age that played against her, or was it the fact that she was a woman? Zowie didn't know, but her frustration at knowing that this guy had got the job she had always wanted almost made her ballistic.
“Really?” She asked sharply, more out of courtesy than honest curiosity. Then, as if some masochistic entity had taken over her, she added. “Was it hard for you get those jobs?”
“Not really,” Geoff answered and at those words, Zowie fisted her hands under the table, her nails digging into her skin so deeply, they left tiny half-moon shaped marks there. “I got my first job right after I got here and it picked up from there. In fact, I'm travelling to Europe in a couple of months. Big, big project,” he explained, taking a bite of his bagel. “I'm very excited about it.”
Zowie smiled, but she was sure it was the coldest, phoniest smile anyone had ever emitted. Did it look like she wanted to share his joy, when he had probably been the one she had lost all her job interviews to? Absolutely not. Why didn't she stand up and left in that instant, Zowie would never know.
“But we haven't stopped talking about me.” Geoff scolded her suddenly with a light tone. “What about you? What do you do for a living?”
Zowie gritted her teeth. Accepting his invitation had been a bad, bad idea.
“I'm taking some time off at the moment. Trying to decide what to do next.”
Curt and sharp, Zowie's answer prompted a concerned look from Geoff. Did she really think she was doing a good job of hiding her emotions? Uneasiness had been radiating from her ever since he had laid eyes on her, and it had only intensified after he mentioned his job, turning Zowie's eyes into a stormy shade of blue.
Anxiety bit at Geoff's insides at that. This Zowie who sat before him... it wasn't the same girl he used to know. Years had passed, yes, but her change wasn't a consequence to the mere passing of time. Something entirely different was in action here, something he couldn't quite put his finger on, and it drove him insane.
What had William told him when mentioning Zowie's move to Los Angeles? That he feared that becoming a sword fighting coach wasn't the sole motivation behind that decision. That he feared that his daughter, besotted with Orlando, had decided to follow him. Zowie's feelings had never been a secret but as he looked at her, Geoff doubted her sole infatuation with Orlando had prompted such change in her.
Zowie had always been thin; a sporty, strong, healthy kind of thin. Now, however, it was obvious just by looking at her how much weight she had lost. She wasn't skin and bones yet, but Geoff realised with a shiver that she might as well be well on her way. Her face, for example, was enough to set an alarm off in his mind. While it lacked the softness it had once had in a way that made her stubborn jawline painfully notorious, it was her eyes what scared Geoff the most. Once bright, smart and attentive, Zowie's blue eyes now look haunted and lifeless, much too big for her thin face. He couldn't see her body in her baggy clothes, but he would never forget the feeling of the thin, frail arms he had held in the street.
What would William and Noemie do if they saw Zowie in that instant? She looked dishevelled, as if she hadn't taken care of her appearance in a long, long time, and while her clothes were clean, it was obvious they had seen better days a long time ago. And not just that, they also covered her entirely, something very unusual for a sun-loving creature such as Zowie. What was going on there? Something about her screamed at him for help and that was a voice he couldn't deafen himself to.
“Have you tried your bagel?” Geoff prompted her. “It's really good. The best one I've had in a while.”
Zowie took a deep breath. Her stomach rebelled against the thought, but not wanting to attract any more unwanted attention on herself, she tore a piece of the bagel and took it to her mouth.
“It's really good.” She echoed, although the bagel tasted like sand in her mouth.
Wanting to prod her some more and see how much information he got, Geoff carried on.
“How are your parents? Have you talked to them lately?”
Zowie almost chocked. It would be impossible for her to forget the last time she had talked to William in Wellington's airport, but no matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn't recall when was the last time she had heard Noemie's voice.
“Some time ago,” she lied. “I'm in contact with them through emails, mostly. With Jared, especially.”
That, for once, was true. It had been a long time, probably months, since she had last sent her brother an email, but she did drop him a line every once in a while, even if she hated herself afterwards for disturbing him and distracting him from his law studies. Jared should be enjoying himself, not worrying about his sister!
“That's good.” Geoff said, although he could perceive Zowie's purposeful vagueness. “Perhaps I could visit you one of these days and catch up some more? Do some sparring, even, for the old times' sake?”
When Zowie looked up at him, Geoff's heart skipped a beat. Dark and wide, her eyes had suddenly come to life with an alarm that puzzled him. What had Zowie heard in his words that had affected her so much? That he wanted to visit her? That one look proved his suspicions right. There was something that Zowie didn't want him to see, and Geoff felt the urge of pulling strongly at this thread offered at him, wanting with all his heart to unravel the mystery.
Almost magically, Zowie's discomfort had vanished. It had been replaced, however, by true and sheer fear the moment Geoff mentioned wanting to visit her. That couldn't happen! She hadn't worked so hard to keep her reality a secret to have him waltz into her life as freely as he wanted to!
“Maybe, yes.” She conceded, although she knew in her heart that she would rather die than letting that happen. Then, before Geoff could even come up with another question, Zowie threw a quick glance at the clock on the wall behind him and put on a surprised face. “Oh my God, look at the time! I'm so sorry, Geoff, but I've got to go.” She said, standing up to reinforce her words. “I've got a lot of things to do and I'm running late and...”
“Oh, it's okay, I understand.” Geoff said, interrupting her tirade just as Zowie began to run out of excuses. However, he took her hand in his before she could run away “Why don't you give me your number?” He asked, producing a phone from his back pocket. “So I know where to contact you. You don't expect me to walk around this area and wait until we walk into each other again, right?”
Zowie knew Geoff had intended those words as a joke, but she couldn't help but feel a hint of a threat there; at least, a threat to the life she had been leading. If she wanted to keep that secret, then Geoff walking around her neighbourhood was out of the question.
“I don't have a cell right now.” Technically, Zowie wasn't lying, but she still felt uneasy. She did have a phone somewhere, but she hadn't used it in ages and she doubted it even worked anymore.
“It's okay. Is there a number where I can contact you, anyway?” Geoff pressed on.
Zowie felt trapped. Not giving Geoff a number meant opening the door for his curiosity to wander freely, and that was something she wanted to avoid at all costs. It was then that her old phone suddenly came to mind. Even if it didn't work, it could still help her in two different ways: it would offer Geoff a number where to contact her and, if it truly didn't work, then it would give her an excuse for not answering his call. Digging deeply in her memory, she managed to unearth the number, which she dutifully recited to Geoff as he added it to his phone's contact list. She was about to run away when he slipped a business card in her hand.
“This is my number, Zow.” He said. “Call me any time. Whenever you need me, just do it, okay?”
Why did Zowie feel that, after only a short conversation, Geoff knew exactly what was going on? The idea filled her with fear, a fear that prompted her to run away after a quick thank you. She walked at a normal pace until she knew Geoff couldn't see her anymore, but once she was sure she was out of sight, Zowie collapsed against the nearest wall, her chest heaving as she held her throbbing head in her hands. What was Geoff doing there? Why him, why now? She had a million questions in her mind, and only one certainty: that whatever that meeting meant, it couldn't be good for her. Not at all.