(no subject)
i wish i hadnt deleted all my old journals.
i spent a good amount of time looking through old entries, and reading the journal i had before this one.
it all made sense, as embarassing as it was.
every entry was either about throwing up or hating everyone.
i cant believe i was so unhappy with myself.
i think that i still am, but to a lesser degree. its frightening.
to be so unhappy with how you feel about yourself.
the effect people have on me is enourmous.
a while ago i was watching a videotape that i had taken years ago before i left for florida.
there was some incredible bleeding kansas footage on there.
and there were also shots of people i cared about and looked up to.
i was pretty overwhelmed with emotion because i cant believe how stupid i used to be.
how blind i was to everything around me, and im ashamed i existed.
16 year olds can be pretty fucking stupid, and i know i was.
im not sure memory is proof, but it serves me decent.
which makes me thankful that im the person i am today. although not even close to where i wish i was, im pretty far from the person i was 3 or 4 years ago, significantly refreshing.
i still dont enjoy most peoples company, and i wish i had a solid reason for it.
the truth is i am bored by everything, and i think i have been all along, so i find ways around it, i live in my own world so to speak, and i ignore fact and reason.
in thanks to that, i am unbelievably lonely.
i talk to people in florida every once in a while and i just miss the shit out of it. no matter how many people i was around that i hated, the people i loved outweighed it.
i dont do anything, i sit in my house depressed and bored as shit, i try to read about things and dont find them interesting.
i go on the computer and get messages from people whos intentions i know all too well.
i dont feel like the same person. i feel like my life has changed. like i exchanged my thoughts and ideas for someone with insights opinions.
while its nice that i feel like my eyes are finally open, it is a truly shitty feeling that my eyes have been closed for so long.
that being said, i am fully aware, i am finally conscious, i know where i stand and i somewhat know what i want.
so when i read your texts, get your phonecalls, see your face, i feel mixed emotion. i am scared. i feel like i know what wont be good for me and what might be incredible. and the gauge of risk to take is skewed. i dont know what to do. i try to ignore everything. but feeling is not something i can easily ignore.
i wasted years in a relationship that was not good for me, because i chose to close my eyes. and while i feel like i can see, i also feel like i still cant fully trust my opinion on things.
i dont want to be stuck in something i hate, for the sake of not being alone.
i dont want to put any of myself into something that will take everything i give and spit it back in my face. i dont want to be embarassed at the way i feel. i dont want to feel less like a person because i am not acknowledged, and i dont want to feel like i am not aware of my surroundings and am being taken for a moron. whether or not this is cliche, its the way i fucking feel. and ive tried, but cant do a damn thing to change it.
i spent a good amount of time looking through old entries, and reading the journal i had before this one.
it all made sense, as embarassing as it was.
every entry was either about throwing up or hating everyone.
i cant believe i was so unhappy with myself.
i think that i still am, but to a lesser degree. its frightening.
to be so unhappy with how you feel about yourself.
the effect people have on me is enourmous.
a while ago i was watching a videotape that i had taken years ago before i left for florida.
there was some incredible bleeding kansas footage on there.
and there were also shots of people i cared about and looked up to.
i was pretty overwhelmed with emotion because i cant believe how stupid i used to be.
how blind i was to everything around me, and im ashamed i existed.
16 year olds can be pretty fucking stupid, and i know i was.
im not sure memory is proof, but it serves me decent.
which makes me thankful that im the person i am today. although not even close to where i wish i was, im pretty far from the person i was 3 or 4 years ago, significantly refreshing.
i still dont enjoy most peoples company, and i wish i had a solid reason for it.
the truth is i am bored by everything, and i think i have been all along, so i find ways around it, i live in my own world so to speak, and i ignore fact and reason.
in thanks to that, i am unbelievably lonely.
i talk to people in florida every once in a while and i just miss the shit out of it. no matter how many people i was around that i hated, the people i loved outweighed it.
i dont do anything, i sit in my house depressed and bored as shit, i try to read about things and dont find them interesting.
i go on the computer and get messages from people whos intentions i know all too well.
i dont feel like the same person. i feel like my life has changed. like i exchanged my thoughts and ideas for someone with insights opinions.
while its nice that i feel like my eyes are finally open, it is a truly shitty feeling that my eyes have been closed for so long.
that being said, i am fully aware, i am finally conscious, i know where i stand and i somewhat know what i want.
so when i read your texts, get your phonecalls, see your face, i feel mixed emotion. i am scared. i feel like i know what wont be good for me and what might be incredible. and the gauge of risk to take is skewed. i dont know what to do. i try to ignore everything. but feeling is not something i can easily ignore.
i wasted years in a relationship that was not good for me, because i chose to close my eyes. and while i feel like i can see, i also feel like i still cant fully trust my opinion on things.
i dont want to be stuck in something i hate, for the sake of not being alone.
i dont want to put any of myself into something that will take everything i give and spit it back in my face. i dont want to be embarassed at the way i feel. i dont want to feel less like a person because i am not acknowledged, and i dont want to feel like i am not aware of my surroundings and am being taken for a moron. whether or not this is cliche, its the way i fucking feel. and ive tried, but cant do a damn thing to change it.