And She Was

[creaper]

Title: And She Was
Characters: Goyle/Bones
Prompt: Look Over There
Rating: PG
Word Count: close to 800
Summary: In which Hannah Abbott points out Susan Bones' admirer
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters
Author's Notes: This story takes place after the war, near the end of their seventh year

Comments

[lunasaurous]

I really enjoyed reading this! The dialogue was very believable, and I liked the group of friends teasing each other. There were a couple of long sentences at the start, which were a bit cumbersome to read first time round. Otherwise, nice clear language, although some more description would probably bring the story to life.

[creaper]

Glad you enjoyed it. What do you think there should be more description of? The setting? The characters? Any feedback you can provide would be very helpful. Thanks.

[lunasaurous]

Anything that would be important for setting the scene or adding to the drama, really. Like, a bit of imagery about Susan's discomfort or Goyle's stare. You get the idea across, with those two, but you could probably get it across even more effectively. With the setting, perhaps describe whether the Great Hall is filled with the chatter of students, or if it's quiet, or something else, depending on what mood you're going for. You might have different ideas about what would be good to describe, so go with whichever you think is important. Also, try incorporating more of the senses. I always find that tricky, but it really helps.

I hope that was useful! ^-^

[creaper]

Thanks, I'm using what you said on my next writing, so hopefully there will be some improvement.

[lunasaurous]

Cool! I'll be sure to look out for it. Is it another 7spells one?
I'm glad you liked my suggestions ^-^