Things are looking up...
Well Virginia turned out to be pretty cool. the weather I had to drive through on teh way down there sucked ass (fucking snow) which caused me to make horrible time and almost get into a damn accident. I spent the first night at my aunt Kathy's and ate dinner and drank wine with my Uncle Richard (dude, he's seriously the fucking man!) and then just watched Troy and went to bed. Friday wasn't much of anything. Jeff was up at 5:30 AM to work a case so he slept the rest of the day. Me, my uncle Paul and my uncle Richard went to see "Man of the House"...which actually turned out to be pretty funny. Saturday me and Jeff went to the shooting range and I got to fire a handgun for the first time (Jeff is a private investigator so he has a gun) which I must say was really cool. We shot his 45 Calibur 1911 Rock Island (whatever the hell that means) and a 9mm Baretta. The first challange was getting used to the sound of the gun shots going off, then getting the bullets in the damn magazine to load the gun. I will always remember the first time I pulled the trigger and fired that damn thing...I fired one shot and had to put it down. Then I picked it back up and went through 2 boxes of ammo and 3 targets. The best thing about it was that, because I had to be so careful and responsible and focus on what I was doing, for the hour or so we were there my mind was totally cleared of anything else...which is exactly what I needed. I would like to find a range around here if I could and maybe go shoot a few rounds off there once in a while. Anyway the trip home was fine...to tell you the truth I almost didn't want to come home. I start Wing Chun Thursday night so that should be interesting. I got talked into working a few hours on Saturday, but oh well it's not like I can't use the overtime. I've just been trying to keep as busy as I can. I must say that it's getting easier, and I have taken the past few weeks to do a lot of reflecting. I think for the first time I finally realize that it's ok to get hurt and angry. It's not something that you can help. But I have learned that how you DEAL with those feelings is something you can control. My whole problem has been that I have let dumb shit get to me, and never learned how to deal with my emotions, my anger, and my pain. Anger is a secondary emotion, one born out of fear, sadness, and doubt. We get angry because we are affraid to face these things, and I realize that this is the problem I have been having all this time. And for the first time I feel like I can face my fears and my doubts and deal with my pain and stress. I feel as if lately I have been able to let things just roll off of me and keep my chin up. And though I have gotten upset at some things going on lately, I have kept myself in check. I notice that this is largely due to this sudden burst of self confidence that I have been experiencing lately. I do not know what has caused it, especially now of all times, but for the first time I can honestly say that I love myself for who I am. I'm a great person with a hug heart and I have been putting too many burdens and too much weight on my shoulders...and it ends now. Though I've been hurting lately and stressed, I can honestly say that I feel so good about myself and that everything is going to be ok...and I love the way this feels and I swear that it will be permanent from now on. Another good thing is that over the past few days, there have been a few individuals that I have finally made peace with. In doing so, I feel like I have gotten a piece of myself back. I also realize that, though I have had my differences with all of them, I have the absolute BEST group of friends anyone could ask for. Too many times have I underestimated them. I thank ALL of you who have been there for me or gave me thier concern and offered to listen if I needed to talk. Believe me when I tell you, I wont forget it. Well that's all for now. Later!