Looking Back... (while reading remember my disclaimer in one of my previous entries!)
Looking back on what I have done with my life so far...
all I can wonder is was it worth anything? Did I make ties that will last my life? Did I take a good path in my life? Where will the road I pick take me? Am I going to end up deserted in a field or will I end up on top with people who care about me? Am I doomed to surround my people who will take advantage of me... or am I finally choosing people worth taking chances on? Why do I care about people so quickly and find it unbelievably hard to forget about people who crush my heart? Why do I hide and then wonder why I was never seen? Why am I hiding now... and why do I always find myself thinking that I don't have a chance.... that I'm not good enough. I am good enough... right? I mean... that is what everyone should be thinking about themselves. Everyone should believe in themselves... but it is hard when you have never been able to find it in yourself to truely belive such. I am shy... as much as to my friends it doesn't seem it. I am timid. I don't like to show my feelings... which is probably why I do get hurt... because my feelings always exceed what I really show. If people ever really knew how much I cared about them, they would probably be scared off... because my love for the people in my life, even the ones who constantly hurt me, is an extreme amount that they may not reciprocate....
and if they didn't care as much about me... that is what hurts the most.
Pain is something I may be used to... and it may be something that I have tactfully learned to get over..... but it is still something no one wishes on themselves.
but if you need me to take the pain so you can be happy.... so you can feel better..... okay. I will deal. I can handle it.... and I have a feeling that you can't as well as me... thats why I dont tell you how I really feel... thats why I dont confront you... because it is better to let you hurt me than me trying to make you feel bad about yourself too. I just need to learn to avoid people like you.
I miss them. I miss so many people. I miss the things that I used to feel. I miss them. I miss all of it. I kind of feel empty... because I feel nothing but the emotion of missing everything. I want to feel alive. I havn't felt that way in ages.
Everyone seems to look at me and think that school is stressing me out. What is stressing me out is all the people that I cannot figure out. the ones that I constantly wonder if I can really count on. The ones that used to be my best friends. The ones I used to see everyday... now that this distance has broken us... I finally see that I really didn't find anyone that knew me. I thought I had that person... but she ended up just making me feel worse at times... she just made it so I coudln't have anyone closer to me than her... because she pushed others away from me. I don't have any bestests.... unless you count Brendan... but he is my best friend... but in a different way. He isn't a girl so he can never really fill the spot I need. I can't tell him everything... I can tell him most things... but not everything.
I just wish I felt as important to other people as they are to me. I just wish I didn't feel so empty and coldhearted.
I feel like the evil person that I was made out to be in highschool sometimes. I feel like the self-pitying, self-centered girl that I never wanted to be.
I hope im not that girl... because if I am... I really did screw up my life.
all I can wonder is was it worth anything? Did I make ties that will last my life? Did I take a good path in my life? Where will the road I pick take me? Am I going to end up deserted in a field or will I end up on top with people who care about me? Am I doomed to surround my people who will take advantage of me... or am I finally choosing people worth taking chances on? Why do I care about people so quickly and find it unbelievably hard to forget about people who crush my heart? Why do I hide and then wonder why I was never seen? Why am I hiding now... and why do I always find myself thinking that I don't have a chance.... that I'm not good enough. I am good enough... right? I mean... that is what everyone should be thinking about themselves. Everyone should believe in themselves... but it is hard when you have never been able to find it in yourself to truely belive such. I am shy... as much as to my friends it doesn't seem it. I am timid. I don't like to show my feelings... which is probably why I do get hurt... because my feelings always exceed what I really show. If people ever really knew how much I cared about them, they would probably be scared off... because my love for the people in my life, even the ones who constantly hurt me, is an extreme amount that they may not reciprocate....
and if they didn't care as much about me... that is what hurts the most.
Pain is something I may be used to... and it may be something that I have tactfully learned to get over..... but it is still something no one wishes on themselves.
but if you need me to take the pain so you can be happy.... so you can feel better..... okay. I will deal. I can handle it.... and I have a feeling that you can't as well as me... thats why I dont tell you how I really feel... thats why I dont confront you... because it is better to let you hurt me than me trying to make you feel bad about yourself too. I just need to learn to avoid people like you.
I miss them. I miss so many people. I miss the things that I used to feel. I miss them. I miss all of it. I kind of feel empty... because I feel nothing but the emotion of missing everything. I want to feel alive. I havn't felt that way in ages.
Everyone seems to look at me and think that school is stressing me out. What is stressing me out is all the people that I cannot figure out. the ones that I constantly wonder if I can really count on. The ones that used to be my best friends. The ones I used to see everyday... now that this distance has broken us... I finally see that I really didn't find anyone that knew me. I thought I had that person... but she ended up just making me feel worse at times... she just made it so I coudln't have anyone closer to me than her... because she pushed others away from me. I don't have any bestests.... unless you count Brendan... but he is my best friend... but in a different way. He isn't a girl so he can never really fill the spot I need. I can't tell him everything... I can tell him most things... but not everything.
I just wish I felt as important to other people as they are to me. I just wish I didn't feel so empty and coldhearted.
I feel like the evil person that I was made out to be in highschool sometimes. I feel like the self-pitying, self-centered girl that I never wanted to be.
I hope im not that girl... because if I am... I really did screw up my life.