A letter
I’m leery, nervous but feel so lucky at the same time. Your apprehension hurts. Your consciousness hurts. Your ultimatum, and conditional attraction and love hurts. But then I saw your eyes smiling at me, and suddenly the million thoughts and fears fled my mind and heart. I kissed you. You kissed me back. It was a perfect kiss, and for a moment I pulled away and I had to bite my lip and catch my breath. When you said you wanted us to lay together, again I was unsure. But you kissed me and it felt right. I just wanted to let myself trust you. I want to be open and honest with you about everything, but I know that this isn’t the time. So instead, I’m writing it out. I want to tell you everything that I think and feel, but instead I’m trying to be as nonchalant as you are. I want to tell you, that since we were kids what a great man I always knew you’d grow up to be. I want to tell you, that while we weren’t talking, that I always secretly said a prayer for you to make sure you were kept safe, and I even lit a candle one time in a church in your honor. I want to tell you that even though people sometimes brush you off and don‘t take you seriously, I do. I want to tell you how unique you are and how I love that you never bore me. I want to tell you that I never hated you, and how I mourned when we stopped being friends. I want to thank you for helping mold me into the person I am today with the impression you left in me when we were young. I want to thank you for teaching me everything you did, and having faith in me (I have so much faith in you). I want to tell you how handsome you are, and I hope that one day you’ll see in yourself what I see in you. I want to tell you that I believe that what is meant to be is meant to be, and that I am trusting fate completely. I want to tell you about how I didn’t love myself for 21 years, but now I woke up and realized that no one else can love me but me. I want to tell you how I’ve said before that I can’t be happy with someone else until I’m happy with me, but this time I mean it. I want to tell you that I figured this out recently because I tried to force myself to love someone just because they already liked me as I am, and how sad it made me. I want to tell you how unhappy I have been in my life because I always settled. I want to tell you that when I feel complete as a person, I hope you’re still there, but I’ll understand if you’re not. But most of all, I want to tell you, that despite what the future may (or may not) have in store, I am eternally grateful for you being the first person to stand in my face and be honest with me.