Why I haven't been sleeping.
I was nervous and not sleeping before the election worrying the prop. 8 would pass. It did. I assumed that after a few days (maybe a week), I could put my life back together and move on. I have become functional, but I have not become well. I had a couple of hours of driving to focus on my thoughts (both a good and a bad thing).
Imagine if you will, that you were in a room full of co-works, acquaintances, and friends, and someone said: "Here is exhibit 1" (and said someone points at you), "Do you think they are a person, or a sub-person?" Then people raised their hands, and a vote was taken, and you were identified as a sub-person. You still had to do your job and all that, and all that is involved in life, but you kept running into people who voted you"sub-person." That would be horrible. Plus public votes would make people self-conscience about their votes.
Now imagine, you put up on a pedestal, and were again, labeled as "Exhibit 1" only this time of people raising their hands they write their vote on a little slip of paper. Once again you are "sub-person", and you know that 52% of folks voted this way... they are friends, family, coworkers, people you know.... only now you don't know which ones think you are inferior.
It frankly makes me paranoid, and depressed. That co-worker who offered me an ice-mocha might be one who thinks I don't deserve to be treated the same as them. The family member I send a Christmas card to, might think I am unworthy of equality. etc. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. Just look at the stats. 52% -- in simple theatre person math, that is 1 out of 2.
I'm at the point, that the only people I completely trust to have voted "No" on 8 are other fully out people. I have a hell of a hard time dealing with people, and I know I have to get over it somehow, but this runs the risk of making me very bitter.
OK, and point 2.
Someone said (thank goodness not to me, but with in my hearing) "I don't know why the gays are all upset, I mean nothing changed for them. They couldn't get married last year, and they can't get married now."
Let me explain what changed. For about 5 months, we were equal. At least at the state level, we were equal in name, rights, responsibility, and (we thought) in peoples eyes. We had acceptance. We were no longer on the outside looking in, we were welcome at the banquet.
Now that it has been taken away, it is very bitter. There is a principle in art that to paint great light, one must first create great darkness. Everything is seen in contrast to the other. I never knew that I didn't know what equality felt like, now I do, and I feel the inequality 10 times greater than I felt it before.
So to the jerks who think nothing has changed.... you are wrong. It has changed. Now we know what you were keeping from us. The hunger for that abstract ideal we did not know has become the deep pain for that which was taken from us. It is a pain the takers cannot fathom, and it is a pain I'm not sure I would actually wish on my worst enemy. BUT we must let them see our rage, our pain, our hunger and our hurt. There are some with empathy, there are some who can be changed.
And eventually, even the Judus, Brutus, etc. who claim to be all for equality, but vote against it behind the shield of secrecy will and can come to change -- and even if they cannot, perhaps there can be enough people who have changed that those few will not matter.
In my bitterness I have hope.
I do not have hope in the court. I am certain we will loose there. But maybe in a year or two at the ballot box, we can reclaim the thundering peace that comes with equality.
And then I can rest again.
Imagine if you will, that you were in a room full of co-works, acquaintances, and friends, and someone said: "Here is exhibit 1" (and said someone points at you), "Do you think they are a person, or a sub-person?" Then people raised their hands, and a vote was taken, and you were identified as a sub-person. You still had to do your job and all that, and all that is involved in life, but you kept running into people who voted you"sub-person." That would be horrible. Plus public votes would make people self-conscience about their votes.
Now imagine, you put up on a pedestal, and were again, labeled as "Exhibit 1" only this time of people raising their hands they write their vote on a little slip of paper. Once again you are "sub-person", and you know that 52% of folks voted this way... they are friends, family, coworkers, people you know.... only now you don't know which ones think you are inferior.
It frankly makes me paranoid, and depressed. That co-worker who offered me an ice-mocha might be one who thinks I don't deserve to be treated the same as them. The family member I send a Christmas card to, might think I am unworthy of equality. etc. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. Just look at the stats. 52% -- in simple theatre person math, that is 1 out of 2.
I'm at the point, that the only people I completely trust to have voted "No" on 8 are other fully out people. I have a hell of a hard time dealing with people, and I know I have to get over it somehow, but this runs the risk of making me very bitter.
OK, and point 2.
Someone said (thank goodness not to me, but with in my hearing) "I don't know why the gays are all upset, I mean nothing changed for them. They couldn't get married last year, and they can't get married now."
Let me explain what changed. For about 5 months, we were equal. At least at the state level, we were equal in name, rights, responsibility, and (we thought) in peoples eyes. We had acceptance. We were no longer on the outside looking in, we were welcome at the banquet.
Now that it has been taken away, it is very bitter. There is a principle in art that to paint great light, one must first create great darkness. Everything is seen in contrast to the other. I never knew that I didn't know what equality felt like, now I do, and I feel the inequality 10 times greater than I felt it before.
So to the jerks who think nothing has changed.... you are wrong. It has changed. Now we know what you were keeping from us. The hunger for that abstract ideal we did not know has become the deep pain for that which was taken from us. It is a pain the takers cannot fathom, and it is a pain I'm not sure I would actually wish on my worst enemy. BUT we must let them see our rage, our pain, our hunger and our hurt. There are some with empathy, there are some who can be changed.
And eventually, even the Judus, Brutus, etc. who claim to be all for equality, but vote against it behind the shield of secrecy will and can come to change -- and even if they cannot, perhaps there can be enough people who have changed that those few will not matter.
In my bitterness I have hope.
I do not have hope in the court. I am certain we will loose there. But maybe in a year or two at the ballot box, we can reclaim the thundering peace that comes with equality.
And then I can rest again.