harley reece, continued (again)
part 3 - life at home
(this was written the second day after we got home, so 12/27. i was feeling emotional, tired, frustrated, anxious... i'm going to leave it all as is b/c i want the record of the way i was feeling in the moment. but thankfully things are already SO much better, it's like that day almost never happened. and i'll hopefully write another update soon of how things have been the last few days, which will sound a lot more positive.)
we got home from the hopsital at about noon, and had more visitors by 1pm. probably another rookie mistake. we had family and friends over the ENTIRE day yesterday. by the time my parents finally left at 9:30pm we were totally beat. i tried to nurse harley but was realizing that she was having some trouble. well, as long as she was getting a little i thought she'd probably be ok. we laid her down to sleep in the bassinet, and i can't even keep track of the hours from that point on - bottom line is, she cried A LOT and we were up basically the entire night, off and on in shifts, trying to console her. i still (obviously... she can't exactly tell me) don't know if it was that she was just starving by that point, or if it's something else. we think it might be gas b/c she breathes with her mouth open at night. at 4:30am we were desperate and made her a bottle of formula which she ate hungrily and happily. but she still wouldn't settle down after that and greg rocked her to sleep and let her sleep on his chest until 6am. i stayed up with her most of the morning after that.
today we've had a few more visitors but we've kept it to shifts and asked people to not stay as long. also, we're not passing the baby around this time. i think she slept too much in people's arms yesterday and that's why she didn't want to do any sleeping at night, maybe.
greg also went out today and bought me a breast pump. we are just having way too much trouble with her latching on (sorry for the TMI if you're not interested) and it's really depressing and hard on me. i wish i knew why and could snap myself out of it. but even when it's silent in the house (as it is right now... i pumped, she ate, she fell asleep on greg for a little while and is now sleeping in her swing while greg naps) i can still hear her crying in my head.
i so hope it's not any kind of depression but i am already BEYOND freaked out about the minute greg leaves my side, and he'll still be around for an entire week. my in-laws told me that they'd hire a baby nurse for us for the first week i'd be alone - if we're interested. they had one and my mother-in-law felt that it helped a lot. she'd offered the idea to me a while back and i thought (cocky, perhaps?) that i didn't see the need. i figured between her and my own mom around, what help would a baby nurse be? but now i'm feeling very, very stressed about the routine, about just being able to handle what right now seems like an ENDLESS stretch of hours between 7am and 7pm, while greg's back at work.
i don't want to be any kind of sad or depressed. but i do really have to admit that i am feeling a little bit beaten down already. my boobs ACHE, and i mean ACHE. but i'm trying to remind myself constantly that this still hurts way less than contractions, and i obviously didn't give up on those. i didn't have a choice! so i have to at least try to stick with this for a while longer. maybe she'll get the hang of latching on. i think more likely i'll just pump out what i can and we'll end up switching to formula, and i have to feel ok with that. at least that means we'll take turns with late night feedings.
sometimes when people give advice, it feels like a moment to breathe a sigh of relief - when they just *say* this or that, it all seems like it makes so much sense. it seems like it could be so easy. yet when i lay my head down and try to nap (luckily i have been given the opportunity because of the support of my fantastic husband), my mind just races with the fact that i have no idea what's coming. i sort of like a little more control; knowing what i'm going to do with my day or even just what the next few hours have in store for me. right now i feel like i don't at all and it's kind of scary.
(this was written the second day after we got home, so 12/27. i was feeling emotional, tired, frustrated, anxious... i'm going to leave it all as is b/c i want the record of the way i was feeling in the moment. but thankfully things are already SO much better, it's like that day almost never happened. and i'll hopefully write another update soon of how things have been the last few days, which will sound a lot more positive.)
we got home from the hopsital at about noon, and had more visitors by 1pm. probably another rookie mistake. we had family and friends over the ENTIRE day yesterday. by the time my parents finally left at 9:30pm we were totally beat. i tried to nurse harley but was realizing that she was having some trouble. well, as long as she was getting a little i thought she'd probably be ok. we laid her down to sleep in the bassinet, and i can't even keep track of the hours from that point on - bottom line is, she cried A LOT and we were up basically the entire night, off and on in shifts, trying to console her. i still (obviously... she can't exactly tell me) don't know if it was that she was just starving by that point, or if it's something else. we think it might be gas b/c she breathes with her mouth open at night. at 4:30am we were desperate and made her a bottle of formula which she ate hungrily and happily. but she still wouldn't settle down after that and greg rocked her to sleep and let her sleep on his chest until 6am. i stayed up with her most of the morning after that.
today we've had a few more visitors but we've kept it to shifts and asked people to not stay as long. also, we're not passing the baby around this time. i think she slept too much in people's arms yesterday and that's why she didn't want to do any sleeping at night, maybe.
greg also went out today and bought me a breast pump. we are just having way too much trouble with her latching on (sorry for the TMI if you're not interested) and it's really depressing and hard on me. i wish i knew why and could snap myself out of it. but even when it's silent in the house (as it is right now... i pumped, she ate, she fell asleep on greg for a little while and is now sleeping in her swing while greg naps) i can still hear her crying in my head.
i so hope it's not any kind of depression but i am already BEYOND freaked out about the minute greg leaves my side, and he'll still be around for an entire week. my in-laws told me that they'd hire a baby nurse for us for the first week i'd be alone - if we're interested. they had one and my mother-in-law felt that it helped a lot. she'd offered the idea to me a while back and i thought (cocky, perhaps?) that i didn't see the need. i figured between her and my own mom around, what help would a baby nurse be? but now i'm feeling very, very stressed about the routine, about just being able to handle what right now seems like an ENDLESS stretch of hours between 7am and 7pm, while greg's back at work.
i don't want to be any kind of sad or depressed. but i do really have to admit that i am feeling a little bit beaten down already. my boobs ACHE, and i mean ACHE. but i'm trying to remind myself constantly that this still hurts way less than contractions, and i obviously didn't give up on those. i didn't have a choice! so i have to at least try to stick with this for a while longer. maybe she'll get the hang of latching on. i think more likely i'll just pump out what i can and we'll end up switching to formula, and i have to feel ok with that. at least that means we'll take turns with late night feedings.
sometimes when people give advice, it feels like a moment to breathe a sigh of relief - when they just *say* this or that, it all seems like it makes so much sense. it seems like it could be so easy. yet when i lay my head down and try to nap (luckily i have been given the opportunity because of the support of my fantastic husband), my mind just races with the fact that i have no idea what's coming. i sort of like a little more control; knowing what i'm going to do with my day or even just what the next few hours have in store for me. right now i feel like i don't at all and it's kind of scary.