Colonial 'Ship Wars
Yesterday, among other things, I watched The New World, which annoyed me greatly by promising Christian Fucking Bale and not delivering until the last half hour/45 minutes of the movie. So while I was waiting for Mr. Bale to show his face, I started thinking about 'ship wars. And the fact nobody ever called Pocahontas Pocahontas. Or if they did, I completely missed it.
Anyway, so if there were Pocahontas 'ship wars back in the day, there would have been the one side, let's call them the Smithahontas shippers, and then the other side, let's call them Rolfahontas shippers, and they would hole up on either side of the village and write up little missives and stories with quill pens and distribute them throughout the village and, if they were lucky, through the neighboring viillages by horseback or boat or maybe tied to squirrels. And the Smithahontas folks would be all, OTP, she met him first, twooo wuv 4eva, and the Rolfahontas folks would be all, Smith sucks, Rolfe is Teh Best Evah, OTP, twoo wuv 4eva plus she had his baby. And they would stand at opposite ends of the village and throw pie at each other and lob time-period appropriate swear words. And then the Rolfahontas folks would snitch on the Smithahontas folks and the Smithahontas contigent would get all their little missives and stories and quill pens confiscated because Pocahontas was only 12.
Then in another little village, keeping very quiet and hoping no one will notice them, are the John-Johns, who really want nothing more than to see Rolfe and Smith tongue-kiss on Plymouth Rock cause dude, that would be hot.
The End.
Anyway, so if there were Pocahontas 'ship wars back in the day, there would have been the one side, let's call them the Smithahontas shippers, and then the other side, let's call them Rolfahontas shippers, and they would hole up on either side of the village and write up little missives and stories with quill pens and distribute them throughout the village and, if they were lucky, through the neighboring viillages by horseback or boat or maybe tied to squirrels. And the Smithahontas folks would be all, OTP, she met him first, twooo wuv 4eva, and the Rolfahontas folks would be all, Smith sucks, Rolfe is Teh Best Evah, OTP, twoo wuv 4eva plus she had his baby. And they would stand at opposite ends of the village and throw pie at each other and lob time-period appropriate swear words. And then the Rolfahontas folks would snitch on the Smithahontas folks and the Smithahontas contigent would get all their little missives and stories and quill pens confiscated because Pocahontas was only 12.
Then in another little village, keeping very quiet and hoping no one will notice them, are the John-Johns, who really want nothing more than to see Rolfe and Smith tongue-kiss on Plymouth Rock cause dude, that would be hot.
The End.