'Tis the Season...
Before I get started - I had Sonic for the first time today. AAAAAAAAAmazing. Anyway.
Well - it's that time of the year again. A mixture of stress from finals week approaching, lack of money for Christmas presents, stress from work and the Holiday rush [yes work stress already :(], and seeing all of those lovely commericals of people in love for the Holidays all equal seasonal depression.
I think I'm doing ok with school - one teacher is being a complete bitch to me and grading things completely unfairly but... nothing I can do. Sara Melinda and Jen and I all have come to the conclusion that she just hates me. And we say it with complete seriousness. I'm a little nervous about my math class too but.. can only cross my fingers.
Barely made rent this month... hope my job kicks in some money soon. Deposited my first check today... should help a little. As far as Christmas presents go... get back to me in a few weeks.
Had another talk with Sara. We haven't had one a while which is probably a good thing. Our lives were pretty calm with nothing out of the ordinary the past month or so. But... starting to get complicated again. I'm starting to get lonely. I'm sure the holiday commercials aren't helping but... I haven't felt lonely for 3 years. It's weird. I mean yeah I felt lonely when Cory wasn't around and he was away a lot - but this is a different kind of lonely. And the conversation I had with Sara at Gull's Nest was so depressing. I sat there crying like an idiot. I don't miss Cory. That's not why I'm upset. I miss what we HAD. I miss being in love. I miss being so wrapped up in someone else to care about anything. But most of all I miss having butterflies. I know that's weird - I even brought that up to Sara - but I can't remember the last time a guy gave me butterflies.
Sara and I reassesed "the list". And we divided it into 2. "Regulars" [being they talk to me everyday] and "Floaters" [talk to me like... biweekly or monthly or what have you]. 5 Regulars and 4 floaters. Yes, the list has been reduced to 9. Desperately trying to be rid of 3 Regulars. Won't use names in case they're the giant creeps I know they are and stalk me but... one is way too clingy and annoying to hang out with anymore, one is just very intimidating and comes on way too strong and I have no interest in even being his friend any longer, and one just asks to get into my pants on a daily basis. The floaters just have to be tackled one by one and they float back in for their monthly/weekly chat. Once again won't use names but... 2 on there are the same "pant seeking" cases.
But there are some genuinely nice guys on this list that I just don't know what to do about. The floaters are easy - one is like my best friend so nothing would come out of that because it would just be way too weird but Sara insists on keeping him on there. It's just the downfall of having a very close guy friend - we hang out a lot and he's literally the male version of me and we tell each other everything but - there's just those awkward moments when you realize that you're a boy and girl who are both single and can't find the right person. Another floater is just a really nice guy who has said that he would do anything for me if we were dating but... he comes and goes as he pleases so.. I can't expect a relationship to be any different.
The regulars are different. Both are younger [which is weird for me cuz I normally go for older guys]. One I don't talk to a whole lot, but when we do the conversations are substantial enough to have him be on the Regular list. He told me he's in love with me and he can't wait to come home to be with me and blah blah [no need to hide Glenn's name since I talked about him like all the time lol] but so much has happened since whatever we had in May took place. I'm not looking for that rebound anymore. I've had more than enough rebounds to the point where it's not a rebound anymore - it's just me lowering myself - and now I want more. And I don't know if he even knows what he wants. He tells me he does and he has things planned out... but he's got A LOT on his plate, and a lot of crap to sort out in his life and I feel like I would either be getting in the way or just kicked to the side. He told me he wants to be with me and he'd do anything to make me happy but... he also told me he just wants me to be happy. I feel like his life would cause too much extra stress for me right now. The other guy is so sweet, and amazingly funny and we talk all the time - he makes a point to talk to me everyday. I'm in love with his entire family and we have all the same friends... but I just can't bring myself to do long distance again. I told him that and he understands which I appreciate more than he'll ever know because Glenn doesn't grasp that concept... but I still feel bad and don't know what to do about it. I don't wanna lose a good friendship I have with him just because I don't want things to be weird when I come home. But at the same time the general trend with me lately is the more I hang out with guys that have feelings for me the more they like me and the more complicated my situation gets.
I know what I want in a relationship. I know what to look for now, and I'm really tired of being that stupid hook-up girl. I'm tired of being saught after cuz a guy thinks I'm so pretty and wants what is in my pants, and not in my head or heart. And of course the ones who offer something different are long distance.
*sigh* my life. At least I know what I want and can make an understanding of what is going on now. Before I couldn't even do that. Baby steps = progression. Sara found these song lyrics and had to share it with me cuz it pretty much sums up my life:
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
Well - it's that time of the year again. A mixture of stress from finals week approaching, lack of money for Christmas presents, stress from work and the Holiday rush [yes work stress already :(], and seeing all of those lovely commericals of people in love for the Holidays all equal seasonal depression.
I think I'm doing ok with school - one teacher is being a complete bitch to me and grading things completely unfairly but... nothing I can do. Sara Melinda and Jen and I all have come to the conclusion that she just hates me. And we say it with complete seriousness. I'm a little nervous about my math class too but.. can only cross my fingers.
Barely made rent this month... hope my job kicks in some money soon. Deposited my first check today... should help a little. As far as Christmas presents go... get back to me in a few weeks.
Had another talk with Sara. We haven't had one a while which is probably a good thing. Our lives were pretty calm with nothing out of the ordinary the past month or so. But... starting to get complicated again. I'm starting to get lonely. I'm sure the holiday commercials aren't helping but... I haven't felt lonely for 3 years. It's weird. I mean yeah I felt lonely when Cory wasn't around and he was away a lot - but this is a different kind of lonely. And the conversation I had with Sara at Gull's Nest was so depressing. I sat there crying like an idiot. I don't miss Cory. That's not why I'm upset. I miss what we HAD. I miss being in love. I miss being so wrapped up in someone else to care about anything. But most of all I miss having butterflies. I know that's weird - I even brought that up to Sara - but I can't remember the last time a guy gave me butterflies.
Sara and I reassesed "the list". And we divided it into 2. "Regulars" [being they talk to me everyday] and "Floaters" [talk to me like... biweekly or monthly or what have you]. 5 Regulars and 4 floaters. Yes, the list has been reduced to 9. Desperately trying to be rid of 3 Regulars. Won't use names in case they're the giant creeps I know they are and stalk me but... one is way too clingy and annoying to hang out with anymore, one is just very intimidating and comes on way too strong and I have no interest in even being his friend any longer, and one just asks to get into my pants on a daily basis. The floaters just have to be tackled one by one and they float back in for their monthly/weekly chat. Once again won't use names but... 2 on there are the same "pant seeking" cases.
But there are some genuinely nice guys on this list that I just don't know what to do about. The floaters are easy - one is like my best friend so nothing would come out of that because it would just be way too weird but Sara insists on keeping him on there. It's just the downfall of having a very close guy friend - we hang out a lot and he's literally the male version of me and we tell each other everything but - there's just those awkward moments when you realize that you're a boy and girl who are both single and can't find the right person. Another floater is just a really nice guy who has said that he would do anything for me if we were dating but... he comes and goes as he pleases so.. I can't expect a relationship to be any different.
The regulars are different. Both are younger [which is weird for me cuz I normally go for older guys]. One I don't talk to a whole lot, but when we do the conversations are substantial enough to have him be on the Regular list. He told me he's in love with me and he can't wait to come home to be with me and blah blah [no need to hide Glenn's name since I talked about him like all the time lol] but so much has happened since whatever we had in May took place. I'm not looking for that rebound anymore. I've had more than enough rebounds to the point where it's not a rebound anymore - it's just me lowering myself - and now I want more. And I don't know if he even knows what he wants. He tells me he does and he has things planned out... but he's got A LOT on his plate, and a lot of crap to sort out in his life and I feel like I would either be getting in the way or just kicked to the side. He told me he wants to be with me and he'd do anything to make me happy but... he also told me he just wants me to be happy. I feel like his life would cause too much extra stress for me right now. The other guy is so sweet, and amazingly funny and we talk all the time - he makes a point to talk to me everyday. I'm in love with his entire family and we have all the same friends... but I just can't bring myself to do long distance again. I told him that and he understands which I appreciate more than he'll ever know because Glenn doesn't grasp that concept... but I still feel bad and don't know what to do about it. I don't wanna lose a good friendship I have with him just because I don't want things to be weird when I come home. But at the same time the general trend with me lately is the more I hang out with guys that have feelings for me the more they like me and the more complicated my situation gets.
I know what I want in a relationship. I know what to look for now, and I'm really tired of being that stupid hook-up girl. I'm tired of being saught after cuz a guy thinks I'm so pretty and wants what is in my pants, and not in my head or heart. And of course the ones who offer something different are long distance.
*sigh* my life. At least I know what I want and can make an understanding of what is going on now. Before I couldn't even do that. Baby steps = progression. Sara found these song lyrics and had to share it with me cuz it pretty much sums up my life:
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.