a lot on my mind.
i saw one of your friends today. what's his name... tony? i can't remember. the ONE day i'm home and walking around Ellicott City. We did that stare - that - "hold up I know you" stare and point at each other while walking thing. he said hey and i said hey. and the first thing out of his mouth. "when's cory coming home? i miss that kid." *sigh*
i guess it's nice to know that he doesn't know - just so I know that like... not EVERY single person in baltimore was talking about it.. but at the same time it bothers me that he doesn't know. cuz that means Cory isn't telling people we aren't dating and i'm sure they think that his married status and pictures of a girl on his myspace must be me if they don't remember exactly what i look like.
i can't decide if i would rather have had the converstaion i did today or a pity one like "... how are you holding up?" although as soon as i say WHY we aren't dating i normally get the same response... he said a "...i'm gonna hit him." it's nice to know that people are "on my side" if you will. it's hard not to be in that situation...
i keep going back and forth with the "well if i had just married him when he asked me to i wouldn't be having this problem and it never would have happened." but no - he was still depressed and psycho a lot and it's for the best. his jealousy problems drove me insane and he would always lie to me about stupid shit and i was so sick of it. and he didn't treat me right at all. but since i was in love and he was my first REAL bf i didn't have enough balls to officially end it.
i'm just tired of being upset and crying over him. i haven't for a while. like... a little over a month actually. i just get so mad when i let it bother me. i think i have it under control and then something always happens. i have a lot of support behind me - all of the people he would consider to be his best friends like me more than they do him. and THAT means more to me than anything. i hate to refer to myspace but who he calls his best friend has me relatively high on his mysapce and he's not even on there. and his other bff has me as number 6 and cory is like... 3 rows down.
i dunno. "time heals all wounds." tracy and i had that conversation today. she said "it fucking sucks but the only thing to mend a broken heart is time." i have time. that's all i have is time. but i'm impatient. i don't know what to do to make myself heal faster either. i want to move on faster than i am. i know i'm doing SO much better than i was. my head and my heart are saying two different things - as usual. i usually listen to my head too - that's the reason cory and i broke up duh. but my head is saying you're ready and you're over him. but my heart stays quiet until something like today happens. it wasn't even like a big conversation. it was literally like 4 sentences and then a goodbye.
the past few weeks dealing with guys are just... not even close to being good decisions and i've never felt so bad about myself before in my life. i hate the person i've been lately and i'm hoping that the fact that i'm aware of it - i'll stop. i'm such an asshole. and before you begin to say no you're not - no. i really am. i'm too ashamed to even say what's been going on. i dunno what is wrong with me lately. i shouldn't be allowed to make any decisions whatsoever when i'm intoxicated. cuz i wake up the next day feeling like shit. physically and emotionally/mentally. maybe that's what i need. no more alcohol. and no more boys.
on a much different note - i had a guy on a crotch rocket ask for my number while i was driving on 50 a few weeks ago. like pulled up next to me and gave me his number with both his hands while he was riding and i freaked out cuz i thought he was going to crash. so just so he would drive safely i took his number. we talked a while, he came down last weekend to visit and took me out for a ride on his bike and that was that. he slept in my bed alone and left the next day. was kinda weird but hey - i got a free ride. driving today in ellicott city and stopped on the bridge right before you get into the shops an stuff and this guy in a honda stops on the bridge next to me, facing the opposite way and starts talking to me. on a saturday. at like..3. horns are blowing and i'm looking at him like "are you serious?!?" THEN driving back to salisbury tonight on 50, there was this white explorer that i had been driving on 50 with since the bridge and we were in cambridge. we smiled a mutual "hey it's late and i'm tired and this guy in front of us is a douchebag" at a light and then another after he passed me after flying around some asshole who was going like... 30. he pulls up next to me and turns his light on (we're doing like.. 80..) and holds up his cell phone and waves it around. and i stared at him like... are you kidding. he screams "WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?!" and i was like ... you want my number? after he nods i go "..........why?" and he just looked at me like....i wanna talk? sooooo i did it again. moral of the story - why do guys only ask for my number and talk to me like that while i'm driving. at a party they'll talk to me just shooting the shit but they're all about getting my number when i'm busy driving and not dying. is it my car??? i don't know. i don't look good at all while driving. my sweet convertible hair. and i'm not pretty enough for guys to be like dear god i must risk my life right this second to get her number. it must be a thing for girls in a convertible.
went and saw breaking benjamin/3 days grace/seether/ and skillet at merriweather yesterday. was absolutely amazing. surprised i actually have a voice today haha. some girl shoved me and i got really pissed cuz there wasn't like a mosh pit or anything. i think maybe someone pushed her and she accidentally shoved me? cuz when i turned and looked at her and gave her the look of death she wouldn't make eye contact with me and just.. ran away. haha. oh well.
my my what a long entry haha. props if you actually read this whole thing. i actually feel better just getting alla this outta my head. yay livejournal :)
i guess it's nice to know that he doesn't know - just so I know that like... not EVERY single person in baltimore was talking about it.. but at the same time it bothers me that he doesn't know. cuz that means Cory isn't telling people we aren't dating and i'm sure they think that his married status and pictures of a girl on his myspace must be me if they don't remember exactly what i look like.
i can't decide if i would rather have had the converstaion i did today or a pity one like "... how are you holding up?" although as soon as i say WHY we aren't dating i normally get the same response... he said a "...i'm gonna hit him." it's nice to know that people are "on my side" if you will. it's hard not to be in that situation...
i keep going back and forth with the "well if i had just married him when he asked me to i wouldn't be having this problem and it never would have happened." but no - he was still depressed and psycho a lot and it's for the best. his jealousy problems drove me insane and he would always lie to me about stupid shit and i was so sick of it. and he didn't treat me right at all. but since i was in love and he was my first REAL bf i didn't have enough balls to officially end it.
i'm just tired of being upset and crying over him. i haven't for a while. like... a little over a month actually. i just get so mad when i let it bother me. i think i have it under control and then something always happens. i have a lot of support behind me - all of the people he would consider to be his best friends like me more than they do him. and THAT means more to me than anything. i hate to refer to myspace but who he calls his best friend has me relatively high on his mysapce and he's not even on there. and his other bff has me as number 6 and cory is like... 3 rows down.
i dunno. "time heals all wounds." tracy and i had that conversation today. she said "it fucking sucks but the only thing to mend a broken heart is time." i have time. that's all i have is time. but i'm impatient. i don't know what to do to make myself heal faster either. i want to move on faster than i am. i know i'm doing SO much better than i was. my head and my heart are saying two different things - as usual. i usually listen to my head too - that's the reason cory and i broke up duh. but my head is saying you're ready and you're over him. but my heart stays quiet until something like today happens. it wasn't even like a big conversation. it was literally like 4 sentences and then a goodbye.
the past few weeks dealing with guys are just... not even close to being good decisions and i've never felt so bad about myself before in my life. i hate the person i've been lately and i'm hoping that the fact that i'm aware of it - i'll stop. i'm such an asshole. and before you begin to say no you're not - no. i really am. i'm too ashamed to even say what's been going on. i dunno what is wrong with me lately. i shouldn't be allowed to make any decisions whatsoever when i'm intoxicated. cuz i wake up the next day feeling like shit. physically and emotionally/mentally. maybe that's what i need. no more alcohol. and no more boys.
on a much different note - i had a guy on a crotch rocket ask for my number while i was driving on 50 a few weeks ago. like pulled up next to me and gave me his number with both his hands while he was riding and i freaked out cuz i thought he was going to crash. so just so he would drive safely i took his number. we talked a while, he came down last weekend to visit and took me out for a ride on his bike and that was that. he slept in my bed alone and left the next day. was kinda weird but hey - i got a free ride. driving today in ellicott city and stopped on the bridge right before you get into the shops an stuff and this guy in a honda stops on the bridge next to me, facing the opposite way and starts talking to me. on a saturday. at like..3. horns are blowing and i'm looking at him like "are you serious?!?" THEN driving back to salisbury tonight on 50, there was this white explorer that i had been driving on 50 with since the bridge and we were in cambridge. we smiled a mutual "hey it's late and i'm tired and this guy in front of us is a douchebag" at a light and then another after he passed me after flying around some asshole who was going like... 30. he pulls up next to me and turns his light on (we're doing like.. 80..) and holds up his cell phone and waves it around. and i stared at him like... are you kidding. he screams "WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?!" and i was like ... you want my number? after he nods i go "..........why?" and he just looked at me like....i wanna talk? sooooo i did it again. moral of the story - why do guys only ask for my number and talk to me like that while i'm driving. at a party they'll talk to me just shooting the shit but they're all about getting my number when i'm busy driving and not dying. is it my car??? i don't know. i don't look good at all while driving. my sweet convertible hair. and i'm not pretty enough for guys to be like dear god i must risk my life right this second to get her number. it must be a thing for girls in a convertible.
went and saw breaking benjamin/3 days grace/seether/ and skillet at merriweather yesterday. was absolutely amazing. surprised i actually have a voice today haha. some girl shoved me and i got really pissed cuz there wasn't like a mosh pit or anything. i think maybe someone pushed her and she accidentally shoved me? cuz when i turned and looked at her and gave her the look of death she wouldn't make eye contact with me and just.. ran away. haha. oh well.
my my what a long entry haha. props if you actually read this whole thing. i actually feel better just getting alla this outta my head. yay livejournal :)