Anger
Today on my walk home I thought about giving up anger. Like a resolution of some sort. It's apparently healthy for you and very zen and such. I was thinking about this because I was angry about something that had happened at work. And as hard as I tried not to be angry about it, because it was a very trivial thing to be angry about, some part of my subconscious brain had dug its nails into the issue and wouldn't let go. And it's a part of myself that I don't like. I blame it on centuries of grudge holding on my mother's Jewish side. So I was thinking about this as I was walking home, and I decided that I don't want to give up anger. Sometimes anger is the only thing that makes me leave my apartment on the weekends. Anger that my life isn't where I want it to be. Anger that my friends haven't called me, again. Anger that my pant size goes up instead of down. And those are just personal angers. I'm angry about the fact that there are still houses in Louisiana that are destroyed over three years after Hurricane Katrina. I'm angry about the fact that we now have a black president, but people still hesitate over the issue of whether or not a woman could be president. I'm angry about the fact that people call America a Democracy, when anybody who has, at least, taken the NY State American History Regent, knows that America is a Republic. I'm angry about the fact that in a year or two, the banks might not have money in them anymore. I'm angry about the fact that millions of people are losing jobs and the solution seems to be to pour money (that we don't have) into economy. I'm angry about the fact that some counties in this country still think that teaching kids abstinence is a safe an effective way of preventing teen pregnancy/STD's. I'm angry that there is still no cure for HIV/AIDS or breast cancer. I'm angry about the people in Darfur who were slaughtered for no reason.
And if I gave up anger, what would I do with all of this? Accept it? I don't want to accept it. Nobody should accept death and corruption and pain as the natural way of things. I need to be angry about them because if I'm not angry about them, it means I can't do anything about them. And Americans seem to be pretty good about not doing anything to change their situations. We're all waiting for somebody to come in and change it for us. I don't want to wait for anybody or anything to change my situation. I want to change it and I want other people to do the same for themselves. I want to be angry, because maybe anger will propel me out of this apartment and out of this state and maybe out of this situation so that I can make a change. I choose not to give up anger. Instead I choose to embrace it and mold it.
And if I gave up anger, what would I do with all of this? Accept it? I don't want to accept it. Nobody should accept death and corruption and pain as the natural way of things. I need to be angry about them because if I'm not angry about them, it means I can't do anything about them. And Americans seem to be pretty good about not doing anything to change their situations. We're all waiting for somebody to come in and change it for us. I don't want to wait for anybody or anything to change my situation. I want to change it and I want other people to do the same for themselves. I want to be angry, because maybe anger will propel me out of this apartment and out of this state and maybe out of this situation so that I can make a change. I choose not to give up anger. Instead I choose to embrace it and mold it.