reunion.
nick--
i can't begin to tell you how incredibly proud of you i am.
three years ago, when we dated, i was the happiest i've ever been. i didn't want anything to change. we both know how that turned out. seeing you last year was so hard for me because you were in such a bad state... it killed me to see you like that. i knew there was nothing i could do to help you, and that broke my heart all over again.
i was at the gas station a few weeks ago and i heard that gidget was having your baby. once i found out more from rich, i guess i was in shock. when i got off the phone with him i cried for four hours straight. i don't know why really, but i think that somewhere in the back of my head i always figured that you'd get clean and do something with yourself, and maybe that would include coming back to me. once kids come into the picture though, everything changes. you two will make a life together now, and i can't come between that. it's really over. selfish perhaps, but the first words out of my mouth were "this wasn't supposed to happen with her."
i had been thinking about getting in touch with you for weeks, months maybe, but after that i knew for sure i needed to check up on you. so out went the letter that i honestly didn't think you would even get but made it to you anyway, despite the wrong address and all. from that first phone call i could tell that things had changed, this time in a good way. you're clean, sober, and lucid. you're recognizing negative people and situations in your life. and you're taking responsibility for your actions and your child, knowing that it's not just you that you have to worry about anymore. you grew up. i cried from happiness after i hung up the phone.
seeing you tonight was incredible. you're as amazing and resilient and fun as ever. your mind wanders, you laugh, your eyes bug out a bit, you come back to reality. the nick i fell in love with and later determined was lost and gone forever is indeed back. i've often said that i'm one of the few people who really knows you, not you under the influence but you as a person. i'm one of the few people who has seen you sober for extended periods of time and one of the few people you can confide in. wally said something to me the other day that disturbed me... he said to me, point blank, that all of that was bullshit, that maybe you had just been telling me what i wanted to hear and that it had never really been that way. now, i expect that people won't understand what we had, but what scared me was i thought for a second he might be right. but it was real. you might not remember it all, but it was real, tornados and all.
as much as i didn't want things to change i'm glad they have. you've grown so much in the last three years. maybe the opiates did save you from your heart condition. maybe you had to get sent away to get clean. and maybe this kid came into your life so you would get your shit together. it's like a reality check. everything happens for a reason, and life often seems like a funny joke the cosmos plays on us lowly humans. but i think it's time for you to accept that you weren't supposed to be dead at 18 or 21 or any other untimely date. the world has bigger plans for you mister, good things this time. and no, it won't necessarily be easy and your addictions will haunt you for the rest of your life. but all you can do is live and continue to be as strong as you can be, as strong as you are to have made this much progress.
part of me is always going to love you, and i am always going to worry and care about you. i don't think that will ever change. will we ever be together again? probably not. i wouldn't be where i am had we stayed together. then again, i wouldn't be where i am now if i hadn't ever met you at all. you changed my life, nick, in the best ways possible. i'm always here for you, and now for your son too. i hope we can be friends, i'm tired of being strangers.
glad to see you smiling again.
--me.
i can't begin to tell you how incredibly proud of you i am.
three years ago, when we dated, i was the happiest i've ever been. i didn't want anything to change. we both know how that turned out. seeing you last year was so hard for me because you were in such a bad state... it killed me to see you like that. i knew there was nothing i could do to help you, and that broke my heart all over again.
i was at the gas station a few weeks ago and i heard that gidget was having your baby. once i found out more from rich, i guess i was in shock. when i got off the phone with him i cried for four hours straight. i don't know why really, but i think that somewhere in the back of my head i always figured that you'd get clean and do something with yourself, and maybe that would include coming back to me. once kids come into the picture though, everything changes. you two will make a life together now, and i can't come between that. it's really over. selfish perhaps, but the first words out of my mouth were "this wasn't supposed to happen with her."
i had been thinking about getting in touch with you for weeks, months maybe, but after that i knew for sure i needed to check up on you. so out went the letter that i honestly didn't think you would even get but made it to you anyway, despite the wrong address and all. from that first phone call i could tell that things had changed, this time in a good way. you're clean, sober, and lucid. you're recognizing negative people and situations in your life. and you're taking responsibility for your actions and your child, knowing that it's not just you that you have to worry about anymore. you grew up. i cried from happiness after i hung up the phone.
seeing you tonight was incredible. you're as amazing and resilient and fun as ever. your mind wanders, you laugh, your eyes bug out a bit, you come back to reality. the nick i fell in love with and later determined was lost and gone forever is indeed back. i've often said that i'm one of the few people who really knows you, not you under the influence but you as a person. i'm one of the few people who has seen you sober for extended periods of time and one of the few people you can confide in. wally said something to me the other day that disturbed me... he said to me, point blank, that all of that was bullshit, that maybe you had just been telling me what i wanted to hear and that it had never really been that way. now, i expect that people won't understand what we had, but what scared me was i thought for a second he might be right. but it was real. you might not remember it all, but it was real, tornados and all.
as much as i didn't want things to change i'm glad they have. you've grown so much in the last three years. maybe the opiates did save you from your heart condition. maybe you had to get sent away to get clean. and maybe this kid came into your life so you would get your shit together. it's like a reality check. everything happens for a reason, and life often seems like a funny joke the cosmos plays on us lowly humans. but i think it's time for you to accept that you weren't supposed to be dead at 18 or 21 or any other untimely date. the world has bigger plans for you mister, good things this time. and no, it won't necessarily be easy and your addictions will haunt you for the rest of your life. but all you can do is live and continue to be as strong as you can be, as strong as you are to have made this much progress.
part of me is always going to love you, and i am always going to worry and care about you. i don't think that will ever change. will we ever be together again? probably not. i wouldn't be where i am had we stayed together. then again, i wouldn't be where i am now if i hadn't ever met you at all. you changed my life, nick, in the best ways possible. i'm always here for you, and now for your son too. i hope we can be friends, i'm tired of being strangers.
glad to see you smiling again.
--me.