(no subject)
I am so sick of myself right now. I really don't know why i can't get my fucking life together. All I ever do any more is just be lazy, with the exception of when I'm at work. I don't think I'm gonna get back into school, which really sucks cause my whole life plan upon exiting highschool six years ago is shot all to hell. I think I've basically come to realize that I have no future with Music, and that bugs me. I can't even write a decent song anymore, which aggrivates me even more. I once had such a passion for music, and now I am consumed by doubt in myself. I don't really know what I want out of life. Ideally I want a life with Jen, where I can relax, and work a job I don't hate. But I feel bad that she will be marrying a pathetic loser like me who doesnt even have a college degree and can barely pull 15k a year. What kind of a future is that? I just cant seem to get off my ass and do anything. I spend most of my time goofing off, or going to parties and humilating myself by drinking and causing stupid shit. I hate life, and if it weren't for the people around me, I'd end it right now. I still need that vacation away from everything....yeah...running away to california, just for a while. Somewhere where I don't have any sort of reputation and no need to develop one. People tell me I need to have more confidence in myself, but there's only one problem. You have to have something in your life to be confident about, and I don't. The only really good thing in my life right now is Jen. And I'm still baffeled beyond belief at how I achieved that one, cause back in Highschool I was voted by friends as the least likely to ever get married.
I hate to bring Religion into this, but I'm starting to think that I am atheist...or at least agnostic. I used to be a heavy practicing Christian, but lately I havent been to church in ages and I keep thinking about the whole process of God and the afterlife. I'm not saying I dont believe in God anymore, rather just saying "what if" there really is no God? There has to be some point to life...or is there? Its really freaky if you think about it. The whole idea of non-existance is freaky. I mean...what would it matter if we didnt exist, but then again its scary to think that life could go on without you. Ok....i've just creeped the fuck outta myself and will be sleeping under the covers to an insane degree tonight. LOL
I have been off strattera for the past week...can you tell? Blah I need a vacation!
I hate to bring Religion into this, but I'm starting to think that I am atheist...or at least agnostic. I used to be a heavy practicing Christian, but lately I havent been to church in ages and I keep thinking about the whole process of God and the afterlife. I'm not saying I dont believe in God anymore, rather just saying "what if" there really is no God? There has to be some point to life...or is there? Its really freaky if you think about it. The whole idea of non-existance is freaky. I mean...what would it matter if we didnt exist, but then again its scary to think that life could go on without you. Ok....i've just creeped the fuck outta myself and will be sleeping under the covers to an insane degree tonight. LOL
I have been off strattera for the past week...can you tell? Blah I need a vacation!