Pathetic and Mopey Entry ... feel free to not read it.
Now I think I understand why so many people are pot heads ... it prevents you from thinking too deeply or too emotionally ... and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. I am convinced most people think I just sit there completely empty-headed, but nine times out of ten, I am completely lost in this swarm of deep thoughts and its so frustrating not to be able to escape them and not to be able to find an answer. I think myself in these ridiculous circles, only to end up at point a, and if I'm lucky, I'll hit an epiphany along the way ... but not often. So I ask myself, what is the point of pondering the "unponderables", if you will, but I just can't figure out how to turn off my brain.
I am feeling incredibly mopey and lonely right now. Living off campus has me disconnected from the world, but sometimes I feel like it is a blessing in disguise. I can't stand most of the people at Trinity in the first place cause I feel like they never left the high school mentality, which is uber annoying. That is one thing that I've noticed about work that is really refreshing: People at work have a much more realistic, down to earth view of everything, and some of the people have some very amazing stories to share...even if its something as stupid as "Why are you working here at Fridays?" And interestingly enough, being at work the past few days has made me much happier then anything else around here has...minus the few moments where I had some amazing talk with my roommates, making me think, maybe everything will be okay. And yes, I realize that everything works out and everything will be okay, blah blah freakin blah, but that's not inspiring all the time. It takes awhile to get over that hump to realize why shitty things are happening to you in the first place.
But I can't tell you how unmotivated and uninspired I am right now. I see my senior year being full of crap ass projects and lots of dickin' around at work and that is about it ...
I was driving in my car the other day, completely jammed up in traffic, thinking, how many people are sitting in their cars are thinking the same thing I am....thinking man, my life is a sad existence? How many people just kinda robot through their day, doing things just because they have to do them...responsibility, what a crock. And I was thinking, I bet a lot of people feel this way. I mean it would be so easy to slip into a routine with going to a 9-5 job, going to a bar, going home to eat and drink yourself to sleep, only getting up because you have to hit repeat on your life. And looking at some of the people that gather at the bar at Friday's, I'm pretty sure I just described their life down to a T. (Did I use that correctly?) And of course you run into some individuals that do not live their life like a zombie day to day. But I am also starting to realize that I have lived in some different places, and what I think is common for most people, really isn't.
It's not really common to go through a private school education and graduate with zero debt (for that, I am so grateful)...most people don't drive cars that are completely paid for, most people don't come from nice expensive houses, and rich families...a lot of people can't afford a lot of the things that I have been offered in my life...and if you ever really take a look at all the people around you, whether its at the work or at the mall, they do not look happy...or at least amused with themselves or the things around them.
What a sad life it can be sometimes. I am becoming more cynical as the days pass. To which I now refer to the song by Staci Orrico: "There's got to be more to life, then chasing down every temporary high...just to satisfy me..." What is this "more" they speak of?
Blah, I am sick of everything, I am sick of my own thoughts, of life, of school, of classes and studying, of fucking everything. I hope I jump out of this rut soon and I hope when I do, it's not because of a boy. They complicate things far too much for me, and I am sick of depending partly on them for my happiness. Pathetic, yes? But at least I am no longer in denial about it.
And for some weird reason, I am worried someone will read this and think I'm going to go do something stupid, which I guarantee you I will not. There is a higher likelyhood that I will just kinda ... slip and fade off into la la land senior year until I can figure out what I can do to re-energize myself, and give myself a more positive outlook. I was telling Vinh that before college started, I really never got sad or unhappy. As crazy as that sounds, I was probably one of the most cheerful people you'd ever meet...and in the past couple of years, I've had to figure out how to be sad too and keep living. After all this time, I am still not used to negativity and feeling unhappy feelings. But I guess that's life.
The thoughts keep coming, but I will save that for later....
I think I'm going to look in the mirror and try and find my off button...there must be one...some...where...
I am feeling incredibly mopey and lonely right now. Living off campus has me disconnected from the world, but sometimes I feel like it is a blessing in disguise. I can't stand most of the people at Trinity in the first place cause I feel like they never left the high school mentality, which is uber annoying. That is one thing that I've noticed about work that is really refreshing: People at work have a much more realistic, down to earth view of everything, and some of the people have some very amazing stories to share...even if its something as stupid as "Why are you working here at Fridays?" And interestingly enough, being at work the past few days has made me much happier then anything else around here has...minus the few moments where I had some amazing talk with my roommates, making me think, maybe everything will be okay. And yes, I realize that everything works out and everything will be okay, blah blah freakin blah, but that's not inspiring all the time. It takes awhile to get over that hump to realize why shitty things are happening to you in the first place.
But I can't tell you how unmotivated and uninspired I am right now. I see my senior year being full of crap ass projects and lots of dickin' around at work and that is about it ...
I was driving in my car the other day, completely jammed up in traffic, thinking, how many people are sitting in their cars are thinking the same thing I am....thinking man, my life is a sad existence? How many people just kinda robot through their day, doing things just because they have to do them...responsibility, what a crock. And I was thinking, I bet a lot of people feel this way. I mean it would be so easy to slip into a routine with going to a 9-5 job, going to a bar, going home to eat and drink yourself to sleep, only getting up because you have to hit repeat on your life. And looking at some of the people that gather at the bar at Friday's, I'm pretty sure I just described their life down to a T. (Did I use that correctly?) And of course you run into some individuals that do not live their life like a zombie day to day. But I am also starting to realize that I have lived in some different places, and what I think is common for most people, really isn't.
It's not really common to go through a private school education and graduate with zero debt (for that, I am so grateful)...most people don't drive cars that are completely paid for, most people don't come from nice expensive houses, and rich families...a lot of people can't afford a lot of the things that I have been offered in my life...and if you ever really take a look at all the people around you, whether its at the work or at the mall, they do not look happy...or at least amused with themselves or the things around them.
What a sad life it can be sometimes. I am becoming more cynical as the days pass. To which I now refer to the song by Staci Orrico: "There's got to be more to life, then chasing down every temporary high...just to satisfy me..." What is this "more" they speak of?
Blah, I am sick of everything, I am sick of my own thoughts, of life, of school, of classes and studying, of fucking everything. I hope I jump out of this rut soon and I hope when I do, it's not because of a boy. They complicate things far too much for me, and I am sick of depending partly on them for my happiness. Pathetic, yes? But at least I am no longer in denial about it.
And for some weird reason, I am worried someone will read this and think I'm going to go do something stupid, which I guarantee you I will not. There is a higher likelyhood that I will just kinda ... slip and fade off into la la land senior year until I can figure out what I can do to re-energize myself, and give myself a more positive outlook. I was telling Vinh that before college started, I really never got sad or unhappy. As crazy as that sounds, I was probably one of the most cheerful people you'd ever meet...and in the past couple of years, I've had to figure out how to be sad too and keep living. After all this time, I am still not used to negativity and feeling unhappy feelings. But I guess that's life.
The thoughts keep coming, but I will save that for later....
I think I'm going to look in the mirror and try and find my off button...there must be one...some...where...