(no subject)
It's late and I'm really tired so chances of this making sense are not very high.
I think it is in me that I think with my heart and most of the time, only with my heart. I consider myself a passionate person, one who wears my heart on my sleeve. But last time I did this to the extreme and fell in love, I got hurt worse then I ever had before. And I became extremely cautious. That kind of pain is indescribable because of its great intensity, but I also grew so much from it and learned so much.
Regardless, I put guards up, which is natural. I stopped letting my heart take control, and thought almost entirely with my head. I got in a new relationship and thought a lot about what I was doing and what was going on. I slowly let him in, but was extremely careful about how much I was letting him in and how vulnerable I was letting myself get. I don't think I went overboard and went paranoid about my every move, but I wasn't ready to just lose myself completely. But in the past week, somehow all my guards and walls got knocked down. And I am feeling myself returning to old habits and old ways of just thinking with my heart. I guess thats what falling will do to a person.
Ticia always told me that it was important not to think too much about your every move and to just let things happen because that was the best way she had learned to deal with it. (That's my paraphrase of it anyways). But in my past experiences, not thinking and just doing was not good. My relationship got fucked up, and I hurt the person much more then I ever realized because I was letting my heart do all the thinking.
And of course the obvious answer is just to think with your heart and your head in a happy combination. But it is never that simple and I can't seem to find that happy medium.
It's almost as if I can't do both, that I have to choose. If I think with my head, it is not likely that I will truly let myself fall due to fear. But if I think with my heart, I'm going to, like, turn into a typical psycho ass girlfriend, and thats definitely not fucking good.
I am so confused on what to do. I am scared of getting my heart broken again, it is so scary to be this vulnerable, yet it feels so good. It feels so good to finally be admitting my feelings to him and having them returned. At the same time, fear is taking hold and I am tempted to put my guards back up. But I know that if I do this, I may be missing out on something amazing, and I don't want that. But I also don't want to unintentionally hurt him or hold him back from other things, because I care far too much about him to let that happen. Fuck. What the hell. What do I do.
Excuse my emotional immaturity, but I still have a lot to learn. :-P
I think it is in me that I think with my heart and most of the time, only with my heart. I consider myself a passionate person, one who wears my heart on my sleeve. But last time I did this to the extreme and fell in love, I got hurt worse then I ever had before. And I became extremely cautious. That kind of pain is indescribable because of its great intensity, but I also grew so much from it and learned so much.
Regardless, I put guards up, which is natural. I stopped letting my heart take control, and thought almost entirely with my head. I got in a new relationship and thought a lot about what I was doing and what was going on. I slowly let him in, but was extremely careful about how much I was letting him in and how vulnerable I was letting myself get. I don't think I went overboard and went paranoid about my every move, but I wasn't ready to just lose myself completely. But in the past week, somehow all my guards and walls got knocked down. And I am feeling myself returning to old habits and old ways of just thinking with my heart. I guess thats what falling will do to a person.
Ticia always told me that it was important not to think too much about your every move and to just let things happen because that was the best way she had learned to deal with it. (That's my paraphrase of it anyways). But in my past experiences, not thinking and just doing was not good. My relationship got fucked up, and I hurt the person much more then I ever realized because I was letting my heart do all the thinking.
And of course the obvious answer is just to think with your heart and your head in a happy combination. But it is never that simple and I can't seem to find that happy medium.
It's almost as if I can't do both, that I have to choose. If I think with my head, it is not likely that I will truly let myself fall due to fear. But if I think with my heart, I'm going to, like, turn into a typical psycho ass girlfriend, and thats definitely not fucking good.
I am so confused on what to do. I am scared of getting my heart broken again, it is so scary to be this vulnerable, yet it feels so good. It feels so good to finally be admitting my feelings to him and having them returned. At the same time, fear is taking hold and I am tempted to put my guards back up. But I know that if I do this, I may be missing out on something amazing, and I don't want that. But I also don't want to unintentionally hurt him or hold him back from other things, because I care far too much about him to let that happen. Fuck. What the hell. What do I do.
Excuse my emotional immaturity, but I still have a lot to learn. :-P