Tobacco and Chocolate
Ok so the subject has nothing really to do with anything. Maybe it does. I'm not sure.
I'm not too sure about anything anymore. I eat (very little anymore), Sleep (not enough), Work (too much probably), Party, Drink, Meet guys....that's my life. I keep thinking..what's the point in all of this? Ok so I cut the partying, drinking and meeting guys out.....what's that leave me with? Working. Most of my friends are in school, working or both. And they all have funky schedules so I never see them cause they work on the weekends and that's the only time I can really hang out.
I just don't see a point. The illusion of love really blinds you, I've come to find out. Everything seemed fine because I was blind by love. Now that the illusion is gone I see my life for what it is. I see other's lives for what they are and I really can't help but thinking "what's the point?"
We work to live but our work becomes our lives. We search for love to make sense of it all but we never do. We find that our lives aren't as fulfilling as we'd like them to be so we create hobbies for ourselves but these are only other forms of "love" to blind us from the reality that there is no point in what we are, what we do.
I want to find something that makes my life make sense....but at the same time I know that it will just be another blinder on my eyes. For example, I've met some incredible people recently. Mostly guys, guys that are really nice want to get to know me and I have a great time with. But recently....someone that's been a faint whisper in my life gave me something that I don't think I've ever felt before. Something that I've caught a piece of in the past but never really felt the full effects of. And it scares me so much. I feel the blinders already forming over my eyes and I want to run desperately away. I don't want to be blinded again. I'm not ready for love. I don't know if I ever will be. If I do happen to fall in love, it would be by pure accident and quickly because I would over analyze everything and run before it turned to something more.
Why am I doing this? Why can't I be happy? Why do I look at every little thing and grade it on a futuristic basis and say "well this is ok now but a few months from now it will drive me nuts"?
A friend told me today that I was picky about guys but not in a bad way. I know what I want and I won't compromise. I had to laugh to myself. I don't know what I want. And what I do want...I feel guilty about later and run, make excuses, hide to get away from it. To get away from that feeling of emotional attachment.
I don't think I'm ready for it again. I'm sure of it. I don't know how long it will take or how far of a hole I will be in when that someone tries to pull me out. All I do know is that at this point in time, drowning in a sea of my regrets, mistakes, compromises and defeats sounds so much better than trying to crawl out of this mess that's been dumped on me.
I'm not too sure about anything anymore. I eat (very little anymore), Sleep (not enough), Work (too much probably), Party, Drink, Meet guys....that's my life. I keep thinking..what's the point in all of this? Ok so I cut the partying, drinking and meeting guys out.....what's that leave me with? Working. Most of my friends are in school, working or both. And they all have funky schedules so I never see them cause they work on the weekends and that's the only time I can really hang out.
I just don't see a point. The illusion of love really blinds you, I've come to find out. Everything seemed fine because I was blind by love. Now that the illusion is gone I see my life for what it is. I see other's lives for what they are and I really can't help but thinking "what's the point?"
We work to live but our work becomes our lives. We search for love to make sense of it all but we never do. We find that our lives aren't as fulfilling as we'd like them to be so we create hobbies for ourselves but these are only other forms of "love" to blind us from the reality that there is no point in what we are, what we do.
I want to find something that makes my life make sense....but at the same time I know that it will just be another blinder on my eyes. For example, I've met some incredible people recently. Mostly guys, guys that are really nice want to get to know me and I have a great time with. But recently....someone that's been a faint whisper in my life gave me something that I don't think I've ever felt before. Something that I've caught a piece of in the past but never really felt the full effects of. And it scares me so much. I feel the blinders already forming over my eyes and I want to run desperately away. I don't want to be blinded again. I'm not ready for love. I don't know if I ever will be. If I do happen to fall in love, it would be by pure accident and quickly because I would over analyze everything and run before it turned to something more.
Why am I doing this? Why can't I be happy? Why do I look at every little thing and grade it on a futuristic basis and say "well this is ok now but a few months from now it will drive me nuts"?
A friend told me today that I was picky about guys but not in a bad way. I know what I want and I won't compromise. I had to laugh to myself. I don't know what I want. And what I do want...I feel guilty about later and run, make excuses, hide to get away from it. To get away from that feeling of emotional attachment.
I don't think I'm ready for it again. I'm sure of it. I don't know how long it will take or how far of a hole I will be in when that someone tries to pull me out. All I do know is that at this point in time, drowning in a sea of my regrets, mistakes, compromises and defeats sounds so much better than trying to crawl out of this mess that's been dumped on me.