My life

[crazymoose]

I'm putting this in here, so I don't have to repeat myself to everyone. It's very personal, but if you are reading this you probably are in my life. Let's go back to Saturday. Wayne and I got into a fight and he told me that he never wanted to speak to me again. Well thats that. I have so much stress building up in me, so much to worry about, so much pain that I'm trying to not let affect me. Wednesday, it all hit me, hard. I was just sitting at my desk and all the sudden I lost control. My body started trembling, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't even control my own body. It felt like I was outside of my body yelling at myself to stop this. I'm not over Wayne. If you know me, you know that. I wanted to know what I did wrong. What the deciding factor was to make him stop talking to me. I called him during this whole thing. We got into it and he wanted me to stop calling. I wanted me to stop calling, but I just got so upset knowing that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and couldn't think straight. I called so many times. The most immature act of my life. I can't believe I did it. I keep naming off these excuses, but there really is none for that. I apologized later, but the damage was already done. I know there's nothing I can do to fix that. Wednesday night I told John about my breakdown and how stress got the best of me. I told him the Sunday before that I was done with talking to Wayne. If I wouldn't have been going through this, I would have kept my word. He got really mad cause I betrayed his trust and that I wasn't over Wayne. A lot of harsh things were said. Both of us were having bad days, so I'm sure that didn't help. Things were pretty much left floating in the air, cause it was late and he had to get up the next morning. Thursday was the MTV Movie Awards, which the best part was when Jim Carrey came out to accept his award. I laughed my arse off. I went to my baby's momma's house. I love you, Laura! I called John and 2 hours later he called me back. I tried pretending like the day before didn't happen, but it was brought up. He pretty much was debating between being with me and being apart. He kept telling me how he couldn't be with someone who he didn't trust and how he didn't trust me. He kept breaking up with me and then changing his mind, becuase of how much he loves me. I'm sure my rude comments weren't helping. I was so upset, I couldn't see straight. My phone died at Laura's, so I went home. He decided it was over. I felt like my life was just swept from under my feet. I fell to the floor. I couldn't even hold myself up, because I was so upset. I cried the whole night. I crocheted cause that was the only thing that kept my mind off what just happened. I was bawling my eyes out. I got like 2 hours of sleep last night. I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I kept waking up when I was sleeping. I thought I kept hearing my phone. It probably was just what I really wanted to hear. John called this morning and asked me, if we could start over. It was early so we decided to talk about things later. He apologized like a million times. I still feel its all my fault. We are together now. I just don't want to have the same mindset that I had with Wayne. When he broke my heart, I always thought he would just do it again. I know we fell apart, because of that. I don't want that to happen again. I'm so scared of getting hurt that I push people away from me. I know its selfish. I really am going to try and stop that.
Here's my recap for those that can't keep up. (like a certain slut I know, Lindsey.. lol)