Original Fic: The Long Walk

[crazylixi]

Title: The Long Walk
Fandom: Original Fiction
Rating: PG
Word Count: 442
Warning: Angst, Slash
Author's Notes: This is a combination of me reading and watching way too much angsty stuff after snuggling with my boyfriend for an hour.
Feedback: Is very much appreciated. I also have a firm love of concrit, so any of that is welcome.

"John?" he asks, and

Comments

[kate_burgess]

This is a very strong moment, angsty. I liked it. There's clearly so much history there and I liked that it's sensed, but you didn't need to dump all that info onto the reader. Nice work, there. ^_^

The one thing I want to point out, though, is strictly grammar related. When the sentence that follows a line of dialogue isn't dependant on that dialogue, you end the dialogue with a period and capitalize the following sentence. As in:

"We need to talk." As soon as Ollie speaks those unforgiving words, he regrets it. The droop of John’s shoulders becomes more profound, and the dead look in his eyes seems to fill the entire room.

"Oliver, I - I’ll try harder." John doesn’t know what he’s saying, and Oliver knows this before the cliched line passes his lips.

--if you were doing something like: "Let's talk," Oliver said. Then that's a complete sentence and you put the period after said. Otherwise, the dialogue is a sentence unto itself and calls for a period. Also, in the above example, I added a comma after 'words' because 'As soon as' is a dependant clause.

I hope that was clear. ^_^;; Thanks for posting; I really liked this. ^_^

[crazylixi]

Thanks for the correction. I've never been that great with remembering the rules for quotations. They always get mixed up in my head.

I'll go back and edit that, and it should be fixed later tonight.

I'm glad you liked the story, and yes, there is a history between the two of them. I might write more about Ollie and John some time in the future, but I'll have to see where my muse takes me.