I Feel Like Shit
This past week or so has been really hard on me. A lot of things are going on in my life that I don't have much control over and I feel like I'm drowning again. Things with my family are a bit hectic, and I'm pretty much being ignored in favour of my sister and her completely pointless problems. I've always had low self esteem and to be passed up, yet again, by her is really pissing me off and making me feel horrible about myself.
Sometimes I just feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Writing is pretty much my life aside from schoolwork, but no one is ever interested in what I'm working on. They don't even want to read what I've written. My dad always finds a way to change the subject when I bring it up, or he just ignores me altogether, my mother nods and smiles and says "that's wonderful" and "best things I've ever read", but she says it in her fake-cheery voice. She's basically patting me on the head and telling me to run along. My sister, fuck, my sister doesn't even pretend. She looks at me like I'm insane when I bring up writing.
I just hate her so much sometimes. She spent practically the entire summer dragging me all across the state as her unpaid nanny while her and her husband were off having fun. I've always felt like the invisible one, but she always serves to amplify that feeling. The fact that she's fucking gorgeous doesn't help. She had a baby three months ago and she's already back to a size four. She has blond hair, and blue eyes, and dimples and she always acts like the perfect girl ever. She's the only person in my close circle of family and friends that I haven't told that I'm gay. I'm scared of her reaction.
The thing that worries me about the way I've been acting lately is that it reminds me of when I was depressed two years ago, and I do not want to go through that again. I thought that I had gotten over it and had moved on, but apparently I didn't. This just sucks. I want to hurt myself for being such an idiot. I want to pick up that knife again and cut myself because that isn't something anyone knows about, and no one can fucking judge me about it like they do on everything else.
I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm insane or I just don't matter. I'm tired of being interrupted every other sentence and then cut off completely. And I'm fucking sick of my mom going out and buying me things and then rubbing it in my face when I get angry with her.
Look, I've always tried not to sound depressed or upset or any of that shit that people use to get attention. Believe me, being seen as a mental case is the last thing I want. Fuck, I just want someone in my family to see my writing as something worthy of praise, instead of laughing it off like it doesn't matter. This is my life, and now I feel like my writing is the only thing I'm really living for.
I'm not gonna go out and kill myself. I'm not that much of a coward and knowing my family they would spin it into some dramatic shit or worse, throw me this big funeral (haha! I've never had a birthday party but I'll have one hell of a funeral.) No. I just want to bitch about this and then let it go. I'm not brainless, that's something I will never be.
I put this behind the cut so no one has to read about my problems if they don't want.