The lights that lead the way are blinding
Remember me? I hadn't been on here since forever, until the other day Jess told me to check out Sandy's debate with the Craziest Christian Bale Fan Ever...so I did. Then I thought to myself, wow, LJ, what happened to the love?! Neither of us calls, neither of us writes. I am actually thinking about moving to another blog site, because LJ people (present company excluded) kinda frighten me. But we shall see, that's a big commitment, yo!
I almost typed out the words "well, really nothing new here..." That would've made me a big fat LIAR. I just don't know where to begin.
I am seeing someone, but "seeing" is a rather odd way off putting it, because he lives in Austin. I've actually known him for several years through Allyn and our friend Eric. Therefore, it's a very bizarre "who could've seen THIS coming?!" situation. However, life...she's funny that way. And I'm trying not to question why things are the way they are and just learn to enjoy them for what they are. If that makes sense. Bottom line is, I am very, very happy in this...relationship? Yes, the distance sucks balls a LOT, but it is the way it is for now for a reason. 1300 miles not only increases the quantity of communication, but also the quality. My therapist calls it courting. Which makes me giggle. Anyhow, I went to Austin last month...he's coming to LA next month.
I do hate my job. Not my duties, but I've come to the harsh realization that I am not compatible with the people I work with. I've been fighting that for awhile now, but it's true. And it slapped me in my face a few weeks ago and I haven't gotten over it. On top of that, even though I do work well in a team environment...I don't work well in the traditional sense. I'm fine with meeting as a team on occasion and each of us receiving specific tasks, at which point I will hole myself up in my workspace and not really want to talk to anyone else until I get it done. I don't need to send out 15 progress reports or make it be known how busy I am in order to compete with the class. I just want to get my stuff done and be left alone. I'm starting to look at the possibility of doing my own thing after this gig is up. I just know me, I know I work better alone or in charge. I get more done at home than I do in the office. I get more done at the office when I shut my door and the phone isn't ringing. I've always been this way, even when it came to playtime as a kid (according to my mother). So we shall see...right now I'm reading "The Anti 9 to 5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube."
Speaking of my mother...I am thinking about moving back to Texas. Please pick your jaws up off your laps/desks/some cases the floor. When I moved out here, I always said the only reason why I'd move back was for family. However, at the time I don't think I meant it nor did I believe I'd ever do it. I was running away from EVERYTHING and the only thing I felt like I was leaving was friends. I just wasn't close to my family at ALL. 1200 miles has changed all of that. I now have a budding relationship with both my mother and my older siblings, especially my sister. They're all increasingly important to me. These thoughts started swimming around in my head when my grandfather died in November and didn't really manifest themselves until the first of the year. My grandfather's passing was a reminder to me of what a ginormous part of my childhood my grandparents were. And now that I do know I want to get married (um, again) and have children, I'm not entirely sure I want to do it three states away from my mom and my siblings AND my best friends. The thought of someone like Robin, for example, not being at the hospital when I have my first baby? That hurts me inside. Hurts like you don't even know. It really hurts me now to think I won't be around when Leslie and Matt have Cora. I know Leslie has a ton of friends and family who will be present the day that little girl comes into the world and the two of us haven't done a terrific job of keeping in touch over recent years, but our friendship will always be special, we've done so much together and it stings a bit to think I won't be there. I know people do the distance from friends and family thing all the time, I just don't know if I want to be one of those people anymore. I already missed both Jess and Leslie's weddings...I'm tired of missing things!!! Plus, don't get me started on all the places my head went when I realized I wanted kids and where in the LA area that means you have to live that's affordable, with the right schools, etc. Just know that ridiculousness and mental chaos ensued.
To add to the general realizations, my mom is having health problems. Her heart is starting to act up again, etc. etc. Won't go into the details. But she's not taking care of herself like she's supposed to and it dawned on me recently that she really has no one to help her out if need be. My little sister is there, but she just turned 17 and shouldn't be burned with the majority of the responsibility.
Sorry this turned out so long...that's what I get for not writing more!! But, this is all what's been going through my head recently...I have to say though, the thought of moving back doesn't scare me anymore. I know I had to move here, it was my way out of a lot of bad situations and feelings. And IF I do go back, I know how much better it will be than before I left.
I almost typed out the words "well, really nothing new here..." That would've made me a big fat LIAR. I just don't know where to begin.
I am seeing someone, but "seeing" is a rather odd way off putting it, because he lives in Austin. I've actually known him for several years through Allyn and our friend Eric. Therefore, it's a very bizarre "who could've seen THIS coming?!" situation. However, life...she's funny that way. And I'm trying not to question why things are the way they are and just learn to enjoy them for what they are. If that makes sense. Bottom line is, I am very, very happy in this...relationship? Yes, the distance sucks balls a LOT, but it is the way it is for now for a reason. 1300 miles not only increases the quantity of communication, but also the quality. My therapist calls it courting. Which makes me giggle. Anyhow, I went to Austin last month...he's coming to LA next month.
I do hate my job. Not my duties, but I've come to the harsh realization that I am not compatible with the people I work with. I've been fighting that for awhile now, but it's true. And it slapped me in my face a few weeks ago and I haven't gotten over it. On top of that, even though I do work well in a team environment...I don't work well in the traditional sense. I'm fine with meeting as a team on occasion and each of us receiving specific tasks, at which point I will hole myself up in my workspace and not really want to talk to anyone else until I get it done. I don't need to send out 15 progress reports or make it be known how busy I am in order to compete with the class. I just want to get my stuff done and be left alone. I'm starting to look at the possibility of doing my own thing after this gig is up. I just know me, I know I work better alone or in charge. I get more done at home than I do in the office. I get more done at the office when I shut my door and the phone isn't ringing. I've always been this way, even when it came to playtime as a kid (according to my mother). So we shall see...right now I'm reading "The Anti 9 to 5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube."
Speaking of my mother...I am thinking about moving back to Texas. Please pick your jaws up off your laps/desks/some cases the floor. When I moved out here, I always said the only reason why I'd move back was for family. However, at the time I don't think I meant it nor did I believe I'd ever do it. I was running away from EVERYTHING and the only thing I felt like I was leaving was friends. I just wasn't close to my family at ALL. 1200 miles has changed all of that. I now have a budding relationship with both my mother and my older siblings, especially my sister. They're all increasingly important to me. These thoughts started swimming around in my head when my grandfather died in November and didn't really manifest themselves until the first of the year. My grandfather's passing was a reminder to me of what a ginormous part of my childhood my grandparents were. And now that I do know I want to get married (um, again) and have children, I'm not entirely sure I want to do it three states away from my mom and my siblings AND my best friends. The thought of someone like Robin, for example, not being at the hospital when I have my first baby? That hurts me inside. Hurts like you don't even know. It really hurts me now to think I won't be around when Leslie and Matt have Cora. I know Leslie has a ton of friends and family who will be present the day that little girl comes into the world and the two of us haven't done a terrific job of keeping in touch over recent years, but our friendship will always be special, we've done so much together and it stings a bit to think I won't be there. I know people do the distance from friends and family thing all the time, I just don't know if I want to be one of those people anymore. I already missed both Jess and Leslie's weddings...I'm tired of missing things!!! Plus, don't get me started on all the places my head went when I realized I wanted kids and where in the LA area that means you have to live that's affordable, with the right schools, etc. Just know that ridiculousness and mental chaos ensued.
To add to the general realizations, my mom is having health problems. Her heart is starting to act up again, etc. etc. Won't go into the details. But she's not taking care of herself like she's supposed to and it dawned on me recently that she really has no one to help her out if need be. My little sister is there, but she just turned 17 and shouldn't be burned with the majority of the responsibility.
Sorry this turned out so long...that's what I get for not writing more!! But, this is all what's been going through my head recently...I have to say though, the thought of moving back doesn't scare me anymore. I know I had to move here, it was my way out of a lot of bad situations and feelings. And IF I do go back, I know how much better it will be than before I left.