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***Chuck Norris is so awesome that it is impossible to label it with numeral totals***
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don't wan't to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
Theres an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating.
For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually Email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris began advertising for the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's fucking head off.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
It was Chuck Norris who killed Col. Mustard, in the Library, with a roundhouse kick to the head. If anyone tells you different, they're a damn liar.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris can turn normal water into holy water by beating the hell out of it with his fists.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris' glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once shot a spitball, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
If you get hit by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick you'll actually be able to taste your on anus for the last two seconds of your life.
Don't fuck with Chuck Norris. The Atlantians learned the hard way- nothing sinks a city like a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris's favorite drink? Fear with a human soul chaser.
Chuck Norris eats bowflexes and poops total gyms.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.
Cars were invented as a faster way to run away from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
There are no disabled people, only those whom Chuck Norris has not met yet.
Chuck Norris never turns on the light-he illuminates the world with his eyes.
When some people try to show their strength they rip phone books in half. To show his strength, Chuck Norris rips those people in half.
Chuck Norris could kill himself and
live.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
8 out of the 10 stongest earthquakes on record were caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck felt bad for mother nature's inability to keep up, so he let her take credit for the last two.
Once when in a candy store, Chuck Norris was approached by a boy. The boy asked Chuck a question, "How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" Norris pondered, then responded "2" and then immediately roundhouse kicked the boy's head off, reached down what was left of his throat and retrieved the toosie roll. The boy's mother began to cry and scream uncontrollably. Norris then roundhouse kicked her face, knocking her out and shuting her mouth. "2 Norris repeated-One to reach it, and one to shut your mom up."
The force and volume of the typical Chuck Norris ejaculation has been observed to pierce the female uterus, kevlar body armor and Brawny paper towels.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was expelled from pre-school when a friendly game of tag ended with 21 bloody roundhouse kicks.
When asked cash or credit, Chuck Norris replies with a roundhouse kick to the face and walks out of the store.
Chuck Norris’ poker face consists of roundhouse kicking everyone else in the room.
In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying there isnt enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Chuck Norris never gets laid, rather: laid gets Chuck.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he wont tell because he doesnt want anyone to find the body.
Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
Chuck Norris had sex with a bear... from the inside.
Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
Chuck Norris left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
Chuck Norris ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris balls.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’ body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shit is collected and sold as Quick Start fire logs.
Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
A Chevy truck was totaled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris has more myspace friends than Tom.
One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time. If you go to his house you wont find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chucks tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then proceeds to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as forceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
Ice isn’t cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris invented American flag pants.
Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
No Asian chicks.
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
In the 80s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Reagans body. Chuck Norris then had Reagans tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.
Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens stories while he works out.
During the 1970s he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while “It’s a Hard Knock Life” plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
Chuck Norris penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn’t know why, but Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a
lighter weight and work his way up.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missile Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris sperm is so energetic that when he busts Well, Ill leave the rest up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richards curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic bad ass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.
Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2-ton blocks. He then made his shelter that we now call the Great Pyramids.
Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.
Chuck Norris was not allowed to be a part of UFC, NFL, PGA, NBA, NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occur.
Chuck Norris masturbates with a sledgehammer.
Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’ orgasms.
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, I dont trust doctors. He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris penis.
Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breakfast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five-year-old Chuck Norris.
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an earring.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’s birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck, excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is The Two
Chuck Norris iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face”. In fact, there are none.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’ nutsack.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is on first name basis with Mr. T
There are only 43 Sword-swallowers in the entire world. Chuck Norris is all of them.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that they died and came back to life.
Peanuts are allergic to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is the entire cast of The O.C.
Chuck Norris knows every single digit of pi.
Chuck Norris crucified Christ.
Chuck Norris changed his name to Tom right before he created Myspace.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!
One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.
The sun doesn’t shine on Chuck Norris-Chuck Norris shines on the sun.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa... until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Every time Chuck Norris hears the term Virgin Mary he laughs out loud.
Once, Chuck Norris built a time machine, went back before the universe existed. God appeared startling Chuck, with a sudden bang he round housed kicked God. And within that bang of a kick the universe was made.
Chuck Norris has in some way played a part in all of the natural disasters this earth has ever seen. For this reason, Chuck Norris is also known as Mother Nature. On a related note, Chuck Norris has found a way to simultaneously breathe and exhale, thus creating the tornado. Four out of five people agree this is true. That fifth person was killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ate Jesus and then shit out the bible.
Yogi bear once tried to steal from Chuck Norris’ picnic Well, you know what happened next.
When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an assay on courage. He wrote two words, Chuck Norris.
It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shits boulders, rocks, pebbles and, once a year, diamonds.
Emirel doesn't scream BAM! Instead, he screams Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris smoked a hydrogen bomb then used Japan as an ashtray. Thus, Hiroshima.
Superman once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
Michael Jordan owns a Chuck Norris jersey.
Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved.
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
The last person to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Michael Jackson. He then he turned white.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need air, air needs Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.
When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.
150, 000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
Chuck Norris once put a live deer in a head lock and said say my name the deer muttered Chuck Norris! Actually it wasn’t recognizable but it was pretty good for a deer.
Before e-mail was invented, Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
Once, between scenes on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, an actor asked Chuck, Why do you always deliver roundhouse kicks to the bad guys? Why don’t you mix it up? Norris bit his lip and replied, Good idea. Bad idea. After shooting, Chuck asked the man to meet him in the alley behind the studio. Here, Chuck roundhouse kicked the man 37 times in the face, all the while saying, What now, bitch?
A cashier once asked Chuck Norris, Paper or plastic. Chuck Norris replied, “If you say so”, and roundhouse kicked her in the face.
Hockey players, football players, soldiers, and yes women, never had to wear pads before Chuck Norris was born.
Ever wondered why Hawaii is so far out in the Pacific? It used to be a small pineapple-producing island 20 miles off the coast of San Diego. During one visit, Chuck Norris ate a bad pineapple.
Pictures of the Berlin Wall falling do not show Chuck Norris on the opposite side, roundhouse kicking the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pray to god, god prays to Chuck.
Mcguyver once tried to give Chuck Norris advice on diffusing a bomb. Chuck Norris then disemboweled Mcguyver using a plastic spoon, a wooden nickel, and the left arm of a midget... yes, a live midget.
A little known fact, The second pope actually went through the bible before it was mass produced and replaced the name Chuck Norris with God.
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Mental breakdowns are caused by getting subconsciously round-housed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has been struck by lightening 46 times. To celebrate his might, Chuck Norris beat God himself in an arm wrestling contest prior to beating him at thumb wrestling.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.
Blitzkrieg is the German word for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
After many years of gun use, Chuck Norris no longer uses guns. Now he just roundhouse kicks the bullets towards his target. He never misses. Never.
Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.
Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.
If you make a pinky swear with Chuck Norris and don’t follow through with the promise he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick your pinkies into your eyes. Then he masturbates on you.
Chuck Norris can never be a steroid abuser; no needle can pierce his skin.
Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris hasn't entered American idol because he would easily win it. Chuck Norris has a voice of a siren. All who hear his angelic voice instantly are dazed and would follow Chuck's every command. Since his voice is so perfect, he would win easily and roundhouse kick all losers. Thus the show would be changed from American Idol to "who wants to be like Chuck Norris?" However, no one can be like Chuck Norris, so the show would be him just roundhouse kicking all imposters for an hour straight. It would be the highest rated show in the history of mankind.
Chuck Norris forbids his family members to say the "Our Father, who art in heaven prayer, " because he has already made it abundantly clear to them that he doesn't live anywhere that requires a halo as part of the dress code.
Every time Chuck Norris shaves, Ethiopians grow another heart.
Chuck Norris can sing in all eight octaves.
*Chuck Norris' favorite colors are black, white, and death.
*His name is Walker because running is for cowards.
*When exiting his mother's womb, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his own umbilical cord to free himself into the world.
*Chuck Norris can draw a triangle with 181 internal angle degrees.
*Chuck Norris is the 5th dimension.
* It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the kid in the face.
*Chuck Norris was originally set to star in "Jaws" but had to pull out due to scheduling conflicts. He was later replaced with a mechanical shark.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream-he's too busy giving other people nightmares.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck norris has 333 lives. He had 334, but he accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the face practicing in front of the mirror.
Chuck Norris has never missed a Jeopardy question. Jesus has missed two.
*Chuck Norris slaps Tony Sinclair whenever he feels like it.
Chuck Norris enjoys a high fiber diet. It helps keep his roundhouse regular.
Christopher Reeves didn't fall off a horse. He fell off Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had cancer, but cured himself by round housing his own colon.
Eating Cap'n Crunch does not hurt the roof of Chuck's mouth.
Chuck Norris can kill u from 18 miles away.
You may love Chuck but he HATES your guts!
Mr. Rodgers died because Chuck Norris moved into the neighborhood.
Chuck Norris was once asked in an interview, "Would you ever consider doing porno?". Chuck looked the reporter up and down and replied, "No." Without notice he roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face. Every woman in the room simultaneously had an orgasm.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Carrot Top has red hair because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
When Chuck Norris tells "your mom" jokes, he isn't joking.
Chuck Norris punched a lady in the ovary and gave birth to a baby.
Both Davy Crockett and Sam Houston have given Chuck Norris full license to “mess with” Texas if need be.
Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.
Scientists recently threw out the question, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" They are now pondering "what came first "Chuck Norris or the roundhouse kick?"
Brokeback Mountain is actually about heterosexual cowboys. Chuck Norris just makes all other men look gay.
The chief ingredient in Viagra is Chuck Norris's sweat.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Chuck Norris killed Rudy Rudiger. Rudy realized his dream of playing for Notre Dame, then Chuck Norris realized his dream of roundhouse kicking Rudy's head off. The End.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannot change the laws of physics. This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
These words, the ones that you are reading right now, are actually part of the matrix. The matrix is what runs through Chuck Norris's head.
When chuck norris was born he spanked the doctor, then roundhouse kicked his mom for being late.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don't wan't to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
Theres an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating.
For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually Email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris began advertising for the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's fucking head off.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
It was Chuck Norris who killed Col. Mustard, in the Library, with a roundhouse kick to the head. If anyone tells you different, they're a damn liar.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris can turn normal water into holy water by beating the hell out of it with his fists.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris' glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once shot a spitball, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
If you get hit by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick you'll actually be able to taste your on anus for the last two seconds of your life.
Don't fuck with Chuck Norris. The Atlantians learned the hard way- nothing sinks a city like a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris's favorite drink? Fear with a human soul chaser.
Chuck Norris eats bowflexes and poops total gyms.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.
Cars were invented as a faster way to run away from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
There are no disabled people, only those whom Chuck Norris has not met yet.
Chuck Norris never turns on the light-he illuminates the world with his eyes.
When some people try to show their strength they rip phone books in half. To show his strength, Chuck Norris rips those people in half.
Chuck Norris could kill himself and
live.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
8 out of the 10 stongest earthquakes on record were caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck felt bad for mother nature's inability to keep up, so he let her take credit for the last two.
Once when in a candy store, Chuck Norris was approached by a boy. The boy asked Chuck a question, "How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" Norris pondered, then responded "2" and then immediately roundhouse kicked the boy's head off, reached down what was left of his throat and retrieved the toosie roll. The boy's mother began to cry and scream uncontrollably. Norris then roundhouse kicked her face, knocking her out and shuting her mouth. "2 Norris repeated-One to reach it, and one to shut your mom up."
The force and volume of the typical Chuck Norris ejaculation has been observed to pierce the female uterus, kevlar body armor and Brawny paper towels.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was expelled from pre-school when a friendly game of tag ended with 21 bloody roundhouse kicks.
When asked cash or credit, Chuck Norris replies with a roundhouse kick to the face and walks out of the store.
Chuck Norris’ poker face consists of roundhouse kicking everyone else in the room.
In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying there isnt enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Chuck Norris never gets laid, rather: laid gets Chuck.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he wont tell because he doesnt want anyone to find the body.
Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
Chuck Norris had sex with a bear... from the inside.
Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
Chuck Norris left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
Chuck Norris ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris balls.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’ body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shit is collected and sold as Quick Start fire logs.
Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
A Chevy truck was totaled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris has more myspace friends than Tom.
One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time. If you go to his house you wont find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chucks tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then proceeds to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as forceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
Ice isn’t cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris invented American flag pants.
Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
No Asian chicks.
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
In the 80s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Reagans body. Chuck Norris then had Reagans tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.
Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens stories while he works out.
During the 1970s he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while “It’s a Hard Knock Life” plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
Chuck Norris penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn’t know why, but Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a
lighter weight and work his way up.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missile Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris sperm is so energetic that when he busts Well, Ill leave the rest up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richards curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic bad ass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.
Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2-ton blocks. He then made his shelter that we now call the Great Pyramids.
Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.
Chuck Norris was not allowed to be a part of UFC, NFL, PGA, NBA, NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occur.
Chuck Norris masturbates with a sledgehammer.
Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’ orgasms.
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, I dont trust doctors. He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris penis.
Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breakfast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five-year-old Chuck Norris.
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an earring.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’s birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck, excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is The Two
Chuck Norris iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face”. In fact, there are none.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’ nutsack.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is on first name basis with Mr. T
There are only 43 Sword-swallowers in the entire world. Chuck Norris is all of them.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that they died and came back to life.
Peanuts are allergic to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is the entire cast of The O.C.
Chuck Norris knows every single digit of pi.
Chuck Norris crucified Christ.
Chuck Norris changed his name to Tom right before he created Myspace.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!
One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.
The sun doesn’t shine on Chuck Norris-Chuck Norris shines on the sun.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa... until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Every time Chuck Norris hears the term Virgin Mary he laughs out loud.
Once, Chuck Norris built a time machine, went back before the universe existed. God appeared startling Chuck, with a sudden bang he round housed kicked God. And within that bang of a kick the universe was made.
Chuck Norris has in some way played a part in all of the natural disasters this earth has ever seen. For this reason, Chuck Norris is also known as Mother Nature. On a related note, Chuck Norris has found a way to simultaneously breathe and exhale, thus creating the tornado. Four out of five people agree this is true. That fifth person was killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ate Jesus and then shit out the bible.
Yogi bear once tried to steal from Chuck Norris’ picnic Well, you know what happened next.
When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an assay on courage. He wrote two words, Chuck Norris.
It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shits boulders, rocks, pebbles and, once a year, diamonds.
Emirel doesn't scream BAM! Instead, he screams Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris smoked a hydrogen bomb then used Japan as an ashtray. Thus, Hiroshima.
Superman once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
Michael Jordan owns a Chuck Norris jersey.
Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved.
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
The last person to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Michael Jackson. He then he turned white.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need air, air needs Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.
When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.
150, 000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
Chuck Norris once put a live deer in a head lock and said say my name the deer muttered Chuck Norris! Actually it wasn’t recognizable but it was pretty good for a deer.
Before e-mail was invented, Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
Once, between scenes on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, an actor asked Chuck, Why do you always deliver roundhouse kicks to the bad guys? Why don’t you mix it up? Norris bit his lip and replied, Good idea. Bad idea. After shooting, Chuck asked the man to meet him in the alley behind the studio. Here, Chuck roundhouse kicked the man 37 times in the face, all the while saying, What now, bitch?
A cashier once asked Chuck Norris, Paper or plastic. Chuck Norris replied, “If you say so”, and roundhouse kicked her in the face.
Hockey players, football players, soldiers, and yes women, never had to wear pads before Chuck Norris was born.
Ever wondered why Hawaii is so far out in the Pacific? It used to be a small pineapple-producing island 20 miles off the coast of San Diego. During one visit, Chuck Norris ate a bad pineapple.
Pictures of the Berlin Wall falling do not show Chuck Norris on the opposite side, roundhouse kicking the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pray to god, god prays to Chuck.
Mcguyver once tried to give Chuck Norris advice on diffusing a bomb. Chuck Norris then disemboweled Mcguyver using a plastic spoon, a wooden nickel, and the left arm of a midget... yes, a live midget.
A little known fact, The second pope actually went through the bible before it was mass produced and replaced the name Chuck Norris with God.
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Mental breakdowns are caused by getting subconsciously round-housed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has been struck by lightening 46 times. To celebrate his might, Chuck Norris beat God himself in an arm wrestling contest prior to beating him at thumb wrestling.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.
Blitzkrieg is the German word for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
After many years of gun use, Chuck Norris no longer uses guns. Now he just roundhouse kicks the bullets towards his target. He never misses. Never.
Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.
Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.
If you make a pinky swear with Chuck Norris and don’t follow through with the promise he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick your pinkies into your eyes. Then he masturbates on you.
Chuck Norris can never be a steroid abuser; no needle can pierce his skin.
Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris hasn't entered American idol because he would easily win it. Chuck Norris has a voice of a siren. All who hear his angelic voice instantly are dazed and would follow Chuck's every command. Since his voice is so perfect, he would win easily and roundhouse kick all losers. Thus the show would be changed from American Idol to "who wants to be like Chuck Norris?" However, no one can be like Chuck Norris, so the show would be him just roundhouse kicking all imposters for an hour straight. It would be the highest rated show in the history of mankind.
Chuck Norris forbids his family members to say the "Our Father, who art in heaven prayer, " because he has already made it abundantly clear to them that he doesn't live anywhere that requires a halo as part of the dress code.
Every time Chuck Norris shaves, Ethiopians grow another heart.
Chuck Norris can sing in all eight octaves.
*Chuck Norris' favorite colors are black, white, and death.
*His name is Walker because running is for cowards.
*When exiting his mother's womb, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his own umbilical cord to free himself into the world.
*Chuck Norris can draw a triangle with 181 internal angle degrees.
*Chuck Norris is the 5th dimension.
* It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the kid in the face.
*Chuck Norris was originally set to star in "Jaws" but had to pull out due to scheduling conflicts. He was later replaced with a mechanical shark.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream-he's too busy giving other people nightmares.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck norris has 333 lives. He had 334, but he accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the face practicing in front of the mirror.
Chuck Norris has never missed a Jeopardy question. Jesus has missed two.
*Chuck Norris slaps Tony Sinclair whenever he feels like it.
Chuck Norris enjoys a high fiber diet. It helps keep his roundhouse regular.
Christopher Reeves didn't fall off a horse. He fell off Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had cancer, but cured himself by round housing his own colon.
Eating Cap'n Crunch does not hurt the roof of Chuck's mouth.
Chuck Norris can kill u from 18 miles away.
You may love Chuck but he HATES your guts!
Mr. Rodgers died because Chuck Norris moved into the neighborhood.
Chuck Norris was once asked in an interview, "Would you ever consider doing porno?". Chuck looked the reporter up and down and replied, "No." Without notice he roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face. Every woman in the room simultaneously had an orgasm.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Carrot Top has red hair because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
When Chuck Norris tells "your mom" jokes, he isn't joking.
Chuck Norris punched a lady in the ovary and gave birth to a baby.
Both Davy Crockett and Sam Houston have given Chuck Norris full license to “mess with” Texas if need be.
Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.
Scientists recently threw out the question, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" They are now pondering "what came first "Chuck Norris or the roundhouse kick?"
Brokeback Mountain is actually about heterosexual cowboys. Chuck Norris just makes all other men look gay.
The chief ingredient in Viagra is Chuck Norris's sweat.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Chuck Norris killed Rudy Rudiger. Rudy realized his dream of playing for Notre Dame, then Chuck Norris realized his dream of roundhouse kicking Rudy's head off. The End.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannot change the laws of physics. This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
These words, the ones that you are reading right now, are actually part of the matrix. The matrix is what runs through Chuck Norris's head.
When chuck norris was born he spanked the doctor, then roundhouse kicked his mom for being late.