bursting
why do I feel guilty for no reason?
I'm obsessive about making others happy but not myself.
I am always deeply troubled or toiling in sorrow over the sadness of the world
and I always blame myself for EVERYTHING. I guess it's just easier to say it's
all my fault because I am used to hating myself.
what makes me this way? I have always been so curious about people.
I love watching people, and when they're mean to me I always want to know
what happened in their life that darkened their heart?
Because I, myself am wondering...what happened to me?
I feel like I go out of my way to please people but always let myself down.
I am always mad at myself for every decision I make even if, in retrospect, it seems
to be the best one. I'm always wrong. I'm always in the way. I'm annoying to others.
And I'm ignorant. If I weren't even me I would hate me, but since I am me...
I know myself more, therefore I hate myself more.
And sometimes when I'm tied up in really despairing thoughts and
I can't breath because my mind is a whirlwind of mistakes and guilt...
I ask myself if it would ever be worth it to wipe it all away with medication.
I've been down that road and although it made me someone else I felt it was
probably for the best so that people I love didn't have to deal with me. And
yes of course suicide has never once left the back corners of my thoughts, everyday
I have uncontrollable ideas that flash pictures at me ...but it really isn't even
an option, it's really just a bad habit, suicide thoughts. I've had them since my
early teens and although it's tempting at times to listen to those ideas it's not
something I'd ever truly consider because I don't think I'm that selfish.
basically to sum things up...my anxiety/depression... whatever you want to
call it is really just me being disappointed with myself. To me, I am never
right. To me, I have failed at everything. To me, I am guilty. And I just
believe I am a bad person, although I never stop trying to please.
I'm obsessive about making others happy but not myself.
I am always deeply troubled or toiling in sorrow over the sadness of the world
and I always blame myself for EVERYTHING. I guess it's just easier to say it's
all my fault because I am used to hating myself.
what makes me this way? I have always been so curious about people.
I love watching people, and when they're mean to me I always want to know
what happened in their life that darkened their heart?
Because I, myself am wondering...what happened to me?
I feel like I go out of my way to please people but always let myself down.
I am always mad at myself for every decision I make even if, in retrospect, it seems
to be the best one. I'm always wrong. I'm always in the way. I'm annoying to others.
And I'm ignorant. If I weren't even me I would hate me, but since I am me...
I know myself more, therefore I hate myself more.
And sometimes when I'm tied up in really despairing thoughts and
I can't breath because my mind is a whirlwind of mistakes and guilt...
I ask myself if it would ever be worth it to wipe it all away with medication.
I've been down that road and although it made me someone else I felt it was
probably for the best so that people I love didn't have to deal with me. And
yes of course suicide has never once left the back corners of my thoughts, everyday
I have uncontrollable ideas that flash pictures at me ...but it really isn't even
an option, it's really just a bad habit, suicide thoughts. I've had them since my
early teens and although it's tempting at times to listen to those ideas it's not
something I'd ever truly consider because I don't think I'm that selfish.
basically to sum things up...my anxiety/depression... whatever you want to
call it is really just me being disappointed with myself. To me, I am never
right. To me, I have failed at everything. To me, I am guilty. And I just
believe I am a bad person, although I never stop trying to please.