I don't update enough...
...and then it all piles up when I'm not feeling my best, so I have a few really intense, stress-filled, emotional entries that freak people out. So don't freak out please. I'm probably gonna write a few entries on different subjects.
Love and Confidence
I'm in WET and I'm doing an Irish dance. I don't have it choreographed so every time I go up there I make it up as I go along and it's really fucking stressful. The show itself is so amateur. You guys should go see it, it's fun and everything, but I really feel like I'm in high school and this is a talent show. So many odd things come out backstage too. I kept catching myself thinking, why can't these girls just get some fucking confidence in themselves? One keeps talking about the size of her thighs and how she doesn't fit into anything (this is outside her monologue, which is also not surprisingly about overcoming her weight issues). Except it doesn't seem like she's even close to overcoming them. Someone else was talking about her supposed promiscuity with this weird ashamed aire about it. I wanted to shake her and say, "Look! If you want to just fuck him, then do it, but if you're getting attached don't lie to yourself and get out before it's too late and you end up broken hearted!" There's so much estrogen backstage it freaks me out. Girls are hugging each other, all womanly and supportive and I can't relate. I dunno, I guess I just don't need anyone to hug me every five minutes and tell me that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and talented and amazing. Not to be conceited or anything, but I know all that. That doesn't mean that I'm going to flaut it or shove it in anyone's face but I don't need external assurance of those things. This is why I often feel like I can't relate to people. I don't have nearly as many confidence issues as other people. Yeah, I have some, mainly about my lack of motivation. I beat myself up about it, then dont' do anything about it, then beat myself up about that all over again, and it's not healthy and I've been trying to change that my whole life. There's also my thing about not ever knowing true love, but I don't even know if I believe in it. Then other people fall into IT and make me reconsider and doubt everything. I've never experienced true heartbreak. With Terry, we were never together so most of the time I just felt a longing for him. With Daniel, I just didn't really care that much when we broke up. I really felt heartbroken when Larkin and I broke up the first time. My friends tell me that they've never seen me like that before. I couldn't sleep, cried for at least an hour every morning, skipped work as much as I could and barely went to class for like 3 days. Then we got back together, so I feel like that doesn't really count as true loss of love.
Anyways, those are my issues, but I'm just sorta dealing with them as I go along, and sometimes I need support, but mostly I'm ok on my own. I used to think that it was all luck, that I was born decently attractive and I don't have to worry that aspect, but I see very attractive girls who have absolutely no confidence in themselves at all and I don't know. I'm sure a lot of this is due to my parents. They were pretty good parents, but I don't know if I can specifically point out what they did exactly that made me have confidence in myself. They were never extremely supportive of anything that I wanted to do. They never discouraged me either, so I was sorta left alone to figure out where my passions lie. Maybe that's when I developed my own drives to do things and a purely internal knowledge of what, where and when I want to do something. Is it in my genes? I don't want to think that it is because I'm a big proponent of nurture in the nature vs. nurture debate. I want to think that I'm in control of my own life and my own choices and that it wasn't dictated my nature. If it was, that means that it's either impossible to change, or extremely difficult and my not be worth it to even try to change. This is slightly ironic considering that philosophically I believe in determinism. I just want my life to be determined by the events and the choices that I make, as opposed to the genes. I will buy the theory that I was lucky enough to be born with a healthy chemically balanced brain. I think that it makes me a happy optimistic person which impoves my life immensely. It's a sort of a bain of my existence because I can't really understand depression and don't know how to deal with people who are depressed. I give them advice that would work for me, but if they can't even see into the optimistic realm, my advice is of no use to them at all. I also think that being on birth control has fucked up that fine balance a little bit. I almost never used to cry. Now a simple conversation with Larkin brings me to tears every time. Watching Riverdance made me cry a bit. Getting dizzy when I got my blood drawn made me cry because I remembered the last time I was dizzy and scared and blacking out. So I'm switching to a lighter one. Hopefully, I'll be normal again soon. I'm rambling. Anyways, so that's what's been on my mind as far as that goes.
Love and Confidence
I'm in WET and I'm doing an Irish dance. I don't have it choreographed so every time I go up there I make it up as I go along and it's really fucking stressful. The show itself is so amateur. You guys should go see it, it's fun and everything, but I really feel like I'm in high school and this is a talent show. So many odd things come out backstage too. I kept catching myself thinking, why can't these girls just get some fucking confidence in themselves? One keeps talking about the size of her thighs and how she doesn't fit into anything (this is outside her monologue, which is also not surprisingly about overcoming her weight issues). Except it doesn't seem like she's even close to overcoming them. Someone else was talking about her supposed promiscuity with this weird ashamed aire about it. I wanted to shake her and say, "Look! If you want to just fuck him, then do it, but if you're getting attached don't lie to yourself and get out before it's too late and you end up broken hearted!" There's so much estrogen backstage it freaks me out. Girls are hugging each other, all womanly and supportive and I can't relate. I dunno, I guess I just don't need anyone to hug me every five minutes and tell me that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and talented and amazing. Not to be conceited or anything, but I know all that. That doesn't mean that I'm going to flaut it or shove it in anyone's face but I don't need external assurance of those things. This is why I often feel like I can't relate to people. I don't have nearly as many confidence issues as other people. Yeah, I have some, mainly about my lack of motivation. I beat myself up about it, then dont' do anything about it, then beat myself up about that all over again, and it's not healthy and I've been trying to change that my whole life. There's also my thing about not ever knowing true love, but I don't even know if I believe in it. Then other people fall into IT and make me reconsider and doubt everything. I've never experienced true heartbreak. With Terry, we were never together so most of the time I just felt a longing for him. With Daniel, I just didn't really care that much when we broke up. I really felt heartbroken when Larkin and I broke up the first time. My friends tell me that they've never seen me like that before. I couldn't sleep, cried for at least an hour every morning, skipped work as much as I could and barely went to class for like 3 days. Then we got back together, so I feel like that doesn't really count as true loss of love.
Anyways, those are my issues, but I'm just sorta dealing with them as I go along, and sometimes I need support, but mostly I'm ok on my own. I used to think that it was all luck, that I was born decently attractive and I don't have to worry that aspect, but I see very attractive girls who have absolutely no confidence in themselves at all and I don't know. I'm sure a lot of this is due to my parents. They were pretty good parents, but I don't know if I can specifically point out what they did exactly that made me have confidence in myself. They were never extremely supportive of anything that I wanted to do. They never discouraged me either, so I was sorta left alone to figure out where my passions lie. Maybe that's when I developed my own drives to do things and a purely internal knowledge of what, where and when I want to do something. Is it in my genes? I don't want to think that it is because I'm a big proponent of nurture in the nature vs. nurture debate. I want to think that I'm in control of my own life and my own choices and that it wasn't dictated my nature. If it was, that means that it's either impossible to change, or extremely difficult and my not be worth it to even try to change. This is slightly ironic considering that philosophically I believe in determinism. I just want my life to be determined by the events and the choices that I make, as opposed to the genes. I will buy the theory that I was lucky enough to be born with a healthy chemically balanced brain. I think that it makes me a happy optimistic person which impoves my life immensely. It's a sort of a bain of my existence because I can't really understand depression and don't know how to deal with people who are depressed. I give them advice that would work for me, but if they can't even see into the optimistic realm, my advice is of no use to them at all. I also think that being on birth control has fucked up that fine balance a little bit. I almost never used to cry. Now a simple conversation with Larkin brings me to tears every time. Watching Riverdance made me cry a bit. Getting dizzy when I got my blood drawn made me cry because I remembered the last time I was dizzy and scared and blacking out. So I'm switching to a lighter one. Hopefully, I'll be normal again soon. I'm rambling. Anyways, so that's what's been on my mind as far as that goes.