i cant say how i feel so i cry
wow, so much has gone on i dont even know where to start.
my life is at an all time low. my grandma who i lived with for 2 years died of some kind of brain cancer (geo-plastic multi form tumors). it seriously killed me when she died. i would talk to her about everything and whenever i was sad she always said the right thing to make me feel better. when we all went to the funeral, i felt like i was going to pass out. i have never seen my grandpa cry. when i saw him sobbing, i felt so bad, he looked so lost, they were married for 55 years, and they never dated any other people. they were best friends. he not only lost his wife, he lost his best friend. i went up to him and gave him a big hug, and as i looked into his swollen bloodshot eyes i realized that life cheated her, and i immediately became angry, and so hurt. my grandma would go to her doctor and tell him she had bad headaches, and if there was anything he could do for her such as a catscan. but instead the arrogant asshole just says oh its fine just take some advil. this was 10 years ago. if he would have given her a catscan im sure he wouldve found something. she had 4 tumors in her head. so i cant help but feel angry because it wasnt her time to go, and its not fair that shes gone, and i cant get over it.
when my brother got to the wake, he just stood way in the back...now my brother never never never cries. he holds everything in, but when he stepped into the room and saw my grandma in the coffin, he broke down, he was trembling. it was so bad my mom had to take him outside to calm him down. i got all sick to my stomach when jay was upset, idk i belive it was that twin syndrome thing. so anyways that was just at the wake. the next day was even harder, the funeral of course. i woke up and looked outside, it was snowing, and very gloomy out. we all got ready and went to the funeral home. we all got our chance to say our last goodbye to her before they closed up her coffin and loaded her into the herse. so we all headed to the graveyard. the weather was really bad out so we all couldnt get out of our cars, we just sorta had to drive by and see where she was getting buried. i was a complete mess.
anyways, after leaving the graveyard my family met up at my aunts house.
im not going to get over this for a long long time. its affected me alot.
so as if life cant suck enough, things still get worse. my dad has been such a dick lately. whenever he talks to any of us (my brother's and i) its only to yell and tell us that we're stupid. i avoid him at all costs, which is actually pretty easy to do since hes always working or with nancy. ever since he got remarried hes paid no attention to his kids, but to his new wife, they are both totally consumed in one another. it disgusts me. hes mean. say for instance the other day i go in the kitchen to get some breakfast. my dad and nancy are in the kitchen.
so my dad goes jessica, uh, leave the kitchen, nancy and i are talking. isnt that so wrong?
so most of my time is spent either working or in my room.
i dont think he cares to have a relationship with us anymore, which is why im moving out of this house. he makes us pay him 40 bucks a week just to live here.
i get so mad every time i have to fork up the money, i feel like im giving into him, like hes winning. dont get me wrong we duke it out. out of all the kids in the house im the loudest and most rebellious one when it comes to fighting with him. he pisses me off. whatever.
lets see what else has been going on this wonderful month?
well, my mom is in the hospital. she had a tumor in her stomach, that was pushing on her organs, and her intestines were all knotted up. shes still in the hospital as of now, and ive been going out there almost every day thanks to joe McKinstrie, my boyfriend. (hes been there for me all this month which has been so helpful).
now one would think hey, wouldnt your dad take you out there to see your mom?
no, my dad never took me out there. the first day she was in surgery i said dad c'mon we have to go the hospital! and he was like we'll discuss it. i was like "what is there to discuss"?!?!? mom is in the hospital!!! i was so furious, you have no idea. so joe took me out there. when we got to the hospital one day to see her, my entire family got into a huge fight and security had to escort us all at seperate times to see her. it was insane. and really pathetic.
yesterday was my 19th birthday and i really wasnt even all that happy. the only ppl was glad to hang out with was my brother and joe. what i really wanted to do was see my mom. i miss her. :(
well, thats all thats been going on, hopefully there will be brighter days,
the only way to go when u hit rock bottom is up...
jess
my life is at an all time low. my grandma who i lived with for 2 years died of some kind of brain cancer (geo-plastic multi form tumors). it seriously killed me when she died. i would talk to her about everything and whenever i was sad she always said the right thing to make me feel better. when we all went to the funeral, i felt like i was going to pass out. i have never seen my grandpa cry. when i saw him sobbing, i felt so bad, he looked so lost, they were married for 55 years, and they never dated any other people. they were best friends. he not only lost his wife, he lost his best friend. i went up to him and gave him a big hug, and as i looked into his swollen bloodshot eyes i realized that life cheated her, and i immediately became angry, and so hurt. my grandma would go to her doctor and tell him she had bad headaches, and if there was anything he could do for her such as a catscan. but instead the arrogant asshole just says oh its fine just take some advil. this was 10 years ago. if he would have given her a catscan im sure he wouldve found something. she had 4 tumors in her head. so i cant help but feel angry because it wasnt her time to go, and its not fair that shes gone, and i cant get over it.
when my brother got to the wake, he just stood way in the back...now my brother never never never cries. he holds everything in, but when he stepped into the room and saw my grandma in the coffin, he broke down, he was trembling. it was so bad my mom had to take him outside to calm him down. i got all sick to my stomach when jay was upset, idk i belive it was that twin syndrome thing. so anyways that was just at the wake. the next day was even harder, the funeral of course. i woke up and looked outside, it was snowing, and very gloomy out. we all got ready and went to the funeral home. we all got our chance to say our last goodbye to her before they closed up her coffin and loaded her into the herse. so we all headed to the graveyard. the weather was really bad out so we all couldnt get out of our cars, we just sorta had to drive by and see where she was getting buried. i was a complete mess.
anyways, after leaving the graveyard my family met up at my aunts house.
im not going to get over this for a long long time. its affected me alot.
so as if life cant suck enough, things still get worse. my dad has been such a dick lately. whenever he talks to any of us (my brother's and i) its only to yell and tell us that we're stupid. i avoid him at all costs, which is actually pretty easy to do since hes always working or with nancy. ever since he got remarried hes paid no attention to his kids, but to his new wife, they are both totally consumed in one another. it disgusts me. hes mean. say for instance the other day i go in the kitchen to get some breakfast. my dad and nancy are in the kitchen.
so my dad goes jessica, uh, leave the kitchen, nancy and i are talking. isnt that so wrong?
so most of my time is spent either working or in my room.
i dont think he cares to have a relationship with us anymore, which is why im moving out of this house. he makes us pay him 40 bucks a week just to live here.
i get so mad every time i have to fork up the money, i feel like im giving into him, like hes winning. dont get me wrong we duke it out. out of all the kids in the house im the loudest and most rebellious one when it comes to fighting with him. he pisses me off. whatever.
lets see what else has been going on this wonderful month?
well, my mom is in the hospital. she had a tumor in her stomach, that was pushing on her organs, and her intestines were all knotted up. shes still in the hospital as of now, and ive been going out there almost every day thanks to joe McKinstrie, my boyfriend. (hes been there for me all this month which has been so helpful).
now one would think hey, wouldnt your dad take you out there to see your mom?
no, my dad never took me out there. the first day she was in surgery i said dad c'mon we have to go the hospital! and he was like we'll discuss it. i was like "what is there to discuss"?!?!? mom is in the hospital!!! i was so furious, you have no idea. so joe took me out there. when we got to the hospital one day to see her, my entire family got into a huge fight and security had to escort us all at seperate times to see her. it was insane. and really pathetic.
yesterday was my 19th birthday and i really wasnt even all that happy. the only ppl was glad to hang out with was my brother and joe. what i really wanted to do was see my mom. i miss her. :(
well, thats all thats been going on, hopefully there will be brighter days,
the only way to go when u hit rock bottom is up...
jess