(no subject)
Since I am getting a little low on funds, I have decided to take my chances on a little business venture of my own concoction.
Got a bad-boy boyfriend? Love him to death? Of course you do. But your parents hate his guts because of his slick hairdo, his motorcycle, his leather jacket, and his cavalier, devil-may-care attitude. They set down strict rules forbidding you to see him, right?
Well, I have the perfect solution. For a nominal fee of $100 per night, I will pretend to be your boyfriend, and I will make your parents wish you had stuck with old what’s-his-name. After me, you will be free to date whoever you want, because anyone else will seem like a saint.
Your $100 pays for all this:
-From the time you make your appointment up to the night of my “date” to meet your parents, I will avoid bathing. I will make sure to exercise and sweat a lot in the clothes that I won’t change. For an extra $15 I will do a sub-par job of wiping after using the toilet. Anyone in your house will be subjected to my unique “bouquet.”
-I will tangle my hair into a terrible dirty-blonde rat’s nest. I will jam twigs, leaves, sticks, and syringes into it until it is matted and disgusting.
-When I meet your father I will shake his hand while simultaneously blowing cigar smoke into his face. I will leave an unidentifiable slime on his hand after my greeting.
-When I meet your mother I will look her up and down appreciatively, paying special attention to the “special areas” and wolf whistling.
-Whenever your parents are in the room, I will make a point of swearing as loud as I can. I will also use racial slurs as often as possible. If your parents are racists and would be inclined to agree with these racial slurs, I will use stage makeup to become whatever race they hate the most.
-Whenever your parents are in the room, I will grope, grind, and otherwise molest you while moaning disturbingly. I will stare your parents in the eyes without blinking while doing so. For an extra $25 I will grope your mother as well. For an extra $50 I will grope your father.
-I will make a point of farting, spitting, and belching whenever I can work up the will to do so. I will also try my best to drop to the floor and twitch uncontrollably for several minutes while foaming at the mouth and shrieking at the top of my lungs. I will then get up and act like nothing happened.
- If your parents are religious I will sacrifice a goat in the master bedroom, preferably on their bed. I will be sure to write disturbing messages backwards on their walls in blood.
-I will ask to use the restroom, and will snort a huge line of cocaine off your sink. If you have younger siblings, I will attempt to coerce them into joining me. I will leave remnants of white powder with a razor blade scattered all over the bathroom. I will shave my legs with your mother’s Venus razor into your bathtub hair catcher. I will also clog up your toilet, and then proceed to flush it 8 times to completely cover the floor with toilet water.
-As a courtesy I will drive you to your real boyfriend’s house, but I will do so in the most dangerous way possible as long as your parents are within sight. If I don’t hit at least 6 mailboxes, you will get your money back. I will calm down as soon as your parents can’t see me, but I am not liable for any accidents or disfigurement that may occur.
All this combined with the fact that I'm ugly as homemade sin in the first place should be plenty to make your parents love your real boyfriend. To contact me about this unique, incredible service, just use the AIM name in my profile.
Got a bad-boy boyfriend? Love him to death? Of course you do. But your parents hate his guts because of his slick hairdo, his motorcycle, his leather jacket, and his cavalier, devil-may-care attitude. They set down strict rules forbidding you to see him, right?
Well, I have the perfect solution. For a nominal fee of $100 per night, I will pretend to be your boyfriend, and I will make your parents wish you had stuck with old what’s-his-name. After me, you will be free to date whoever you want, because anyone else will seem like a saint.
Your $100 pays for all this:
-From the time you make your appointment up to the night of my “date” to meet your parents, I will avoid bathing. I will make sure to exercise and sweat a lot in the clothes that I won’t change. For an extra $15 I will do a sub-par job of wiping after using the toilet. Anyone in your house will be subjected to my unique “bouquet.”
-I will tangle my hair into a terrible dirty-blonde rat’s nest. I will jam twigs, leaves, sticks, and syringes into it until it is matted and disgusting.
-When I meet your father I will shake his hand while simultaneously blowing cigar smoke into his face. I will leave an unidentifiable slime on his hand after my greeting.
-When I meet your mother I will look her up and down appreciatively, paying special attention to the “special areas” and wolf whistling.
-Whenever your parents are in the room, I will make a point of swearing as loud as I can. I will also use racial slurs as often as possible. If your parents are racists and would be inclined to agree with these racial slurs, I will use stage makeup to become whatever race they hate the most.
-Whenever your parents are in the room, I will grope, grind, and otherwise molest you while moaning disturbingly. I will stare your parents in the eyes without blinking while doing so. For an extra $25 I will grope your mother as well. For an extra $50 I will grope your father.
-I will make a point of farting, spitting, and belching whenever I can work up the will to do so. I will also try my best to drop to the floor and twitch uncontrollably for several minutes while foaming at the mouth and shrieking at the top of my lungs. I will then get up and act like nothing happened.
- If your parents are religious I will sacrifice a goat in the master bedroom, preferably on their bed. I will be sure to write disturbing messages backwards on their walls in blood.
-I will ask to use the restroom, and will snort a huge line of cocaine off your sink. If you have younger siblings, I will attempt to coerce them into joining me. I will leave remnants of white powder with a razor blade scattered all over the bathroom. I will shave my legs with your mother’s Venus razor into your bathtub hair catcher. I will also clog up your toilet, and then proceed to flush it 8 times to completely cover the floor with toilet water.
-As a courtesy I will drive you to your real boyfriend’s house, but I will do so in the most dangerous way possible as long as your parents are within sight. If I don’t hit at least 6 mailboxes, you will get your money back. I will calm down as soon as your parents can’t see me, but I am not liable for any accidents or disfigurement that may occur.
All this combined with the fact that I'm ugly as homemade sin in the first place should be plenty to make your parents love your real boyfriend. To contact me about this unique, incredible service, just use the AIM name in my profile.