i dont even know where to begin
this entry promises to be messy. theres really no way around it because frankly my head is a mess and ive been thinking of snippets to write in here all night and constantly listening to tool is not helping right now but fuck it.
i dont get it. i really truly dont. i mean...is life supposed to be about something or is it just kind of going through trying to find something to make life about. this morning it occurred to me that i have no dreams. not like, when i sleep - but ambitions, goals..you know...dreams. i dont have them. theres nothing i want...nothing other than to be happy - but i dont even know what makes me happy. im stuck in this mediocre happiness and im starting to worry that this is what life is going to be like - not bad really...but not all that good either. and that scares the hell out of me - because this cant be it. this cant be everything - i have to be missing out on something somewhere because it all just feels so empty. theres nothing and no meaning and no rhyme or reason to anything. everything i hear out of everyones mouth (including my own) is pure unintelligent, unimportant bullshit. its just shit...it just doesnt mean anything and any words out of my mouth or that pour from my fingers tonight will not affect any of your lives today or tomorrow or the day after. you will forget i wrote it, you will forget i was staring at the rain for hours thinking how it wouldnt matter if it washed me down the drain. you will forget because i will forget because what does it matter to you? it DOESNT matter, everyone thinks every damn thing they say MEANS something and it just plain doesnt. it doesnt matter i've been treated like shit - it doesnt matter that i didnt deserve it - it doesnt matter it'll happen a dozen times over the rest of my life - it doesnt even matter that some people are probably happy as a pig in shit that i've lost my mind. it should though - because i have. and im just going to grow up and have kids and continue this cycle of helplessness and becoming your parents and trying to do the right thing all the damn time and still coming up short. because all the good people have boring nights filled with things theyre not doing and theyre going to grow up, get screwed one way or another and die all alone in their beds. and people will care and then theyll forget...everyone is forgotten eventually, its only a matter of time before you've all forgotten me....
...told you itd be messy
i dont get it. i really truly dont. i mean...is life supposed to be about something or is it just kind of going through trying to find something to make life about. this morning it occurred to me that i have no dreams. not like, when i sleep - but ambitions, goals..you know...dreams. i dont have them. theres nothing i want...nothing other than to be happy - but i dont even know what makes me happy. im stuck in this mediocre happiness and im starting to worry that this is what life is going to be like - not bad really...but not all that good either. and that scares the hell out of me - because this cant be it. this cant be everything - i have to be missing out on something somewhere because it all just feels so empty. theres nothing and no meaning and no rhyme or reason to anything. everything i hear out of everyones mouth (including my own) is pure unintelligent, unimportant bullshit. its just shit...it just doesnt mean anything and any words out of my mouth or that pour from my fingers tonight will not affect any of your lives today or tomorrow or the day after. you will forget i wrote it, you will forget i was staring at the rain for hours thinking how it wouldnt matter if it washed me down the drain. you will forget because i will forget because what does it matter to you? it DOESNT matter, everyone thinks every damn thing they say MEANS something and it just plain doesnt. it doesnt matter i've been treated like shit - it doesnt matter that i didnt deserve it - it doesnt matter it'll happen a dozen times over the rest of my life - it doesnt even matter that some people are probably happy as a pig in shit that i've lost my mind. it should though - because i have. and im just going to grow up and have kids and continue this cycle of helplessness and becoming your parents and trying to do the right thing all the damn time and still coming up short. because all the good people have boring nights filled with things theyre not doing and theyre going to grow up, get screwed one way or another and die all alone in their beds. and people will care and then theyll forget...everyone is forgotten eventually, its only a matter of time before you've all forgotten me....
...told you itd be messy