Alcohol is my Therapy in life....
So I pretty much spent my entire weekend (starting on Friday at 1pm) being drunk. And Im sure paying for it now- oh well.....you only live once. Although I usually always have fun when Im drunk, I usually always find myself feeling bad for myself and divulging my self esteem issues to anyone who will listen. I overreact at stupid situations and I later feel dumb, but I figure- I was drunk.....oh well lol. There was NO drama for me on friday, it was great. Saturday was fun untill AFTER the gamea nd then I got all upset over god-knows-what and left....and then proceeded to go home and cry about how I felt ugly. A feel like SUCH a hypocrite when I get like that because I try and advocate optimisim to my friends- but in all reality im not happy myself. I havnt been following my diet- and although I feel bad, ive gotten to the point where if someone doesnt want to be with me beacuse Im not super skinny, they can choke on a dick- seriously.
I think I just have HORRIBLE luck with guys, and I think it has nothing to do with my weight or appearance. I met the sweetest, most adorable girl yesterday who moved to Seattle and has had nothing but BAD luck with guys for the past 5 years- and it doesnt seem like theres anything remotely wrong with her- I guess its fate and the luck of the draw. And so, being sober now, I have concluded that I am fine the way I am. I say this now because its my way to deal and I think ill always have issues untill I can fully come to terms with the fact that having a guy wont make me happy. And I can totally and utterly be okay with the fact that he doesnt want me in his life- and I can actually have a real, grown-up conversation with him.....face to face- phone to phone.....either way would be fine.
I kinda came to realize that being the "hot friend" wont make my life any better. I guess I do come off as a good person (from what Im told) and that Im fun and cute etc and people genuinely like to be around me. Im not some super-hot, DITZY girl. Some guys want taht kind of girl- and theyre superficial and that super-hot girl is going to cheat on them. Although I do want a relationship, Ill never be able to have one untill I completely rid myself of thoughts of him. I can say for damn sure that hes doing his best to help me by totally ignoring me. But just ignoring someone wont make the past go away- and it wont make the past be OKAY. It wont be okay untill I, ME, MYSELF can be the one to tell him "no, i dont want you in my life". I think thats going to have to wait until I go home, and he pursues me (which he most likely eventually will- always has). So I might as well try and have a good time this next month. Ill never be okay with myself- I think Ive come to terms with it.
My sister said somthing really mean to me today, and although she didnt mean it- maybe she did. So I wonder what would happen if I just kinda stopped calling people for a few days. I wonder if they would notice. Maybe Ill turn my phone off when I dont need it. So if my phones off- then leave a message. I need to escape from reality for a bit. Im begining to feel the stress of the quarter coming to an end, the move, and everyone and their mothers talking about marriage!!!!
I think I just have HORRIBLE luck with guys, and I think it has nothing to do with my weight or appearance. I met the sweetest, most adorable girl yesterday who moved to Seattle and has had nothing but BAD luck with guys for the past 5 years- and it doesnt seem like theres anything remotely wrong with her- I guess its fate and the luck of the draw. And so, being sober now, I have concluded that I am fine the way I am. I say this now because its my way to deal and I think ill always have issues untill I can fully come to terms with the fact that having a guy wont make me happy. And I can totally and utterly be okay with the fact that he doesnt want me in his life- and I can actually have a real, grown-up conversation with him.....face to face- phone to phone.....either way would be fine.
I kinda came to realize that being the "hot friend" wont make my life any better. I guess I do come off as a good person (from what Im told) and that Im fun and cute etc and people genuinely like to be around me. Im not some super-hot, DITZY girl. Some guys want taht kind of girl- and theyre superficial and that super-hot girl is going to cheat on them. Although I do want a relationship, Ill never be able to have one untill I completely rid myself of thoughts of him. I can say for damn sure that hes doing his best to help me by totally ignoring me. But just ignoring someone wont make the past go away- and it wont make the past be OKAY. It wont be okay untill I, ME, MYSELF can be the one to tell him "no, i dont want you in my life". I think thats going to have to wait until I go home, and he pursues me (which he most likely eventually will- always has). So I might as well try and have a good time this next month. Ill never be okay with myself- I think Ive come to terms with it.
My sister said somthing really mean to me today, and although she didnt mean it- maybe she did. So I wonder what would happen if I just kinda stopped calling people for a few days. I wonder if they would notice. Maybe Ill turn my phone off when I dont need it. So if my phones off- then leave a message. I need to escape from reality for a bit. Im begining to feel the stress of the quarter coming to an end, the move, and everyone and their mothers talking about marriage!!!!