time of year
This time of year seems to do some weird and wonderful things to people. I dont know whether its the lack of sunlight, the pressure of the end of the year or the enforced jollity and proximity to other people but ive seen seeing more depression, suicide attempts and illness than at any other time of year. That said i have none of those although i feel exhausted and have been through the mill emotionally in the last couple of months. I think things are on the upturn for the New Year and tonight i feel a sense of relief and release.
After the shock of my dads diagnosis ive been through trying to fix things for him (and including him), anger, guilt, and then a period of practical productiveness and desperate coping strategies. Its taken all my time and energy and ive let the rest of my family, friends, responsibilities and my own welfare slide to make room.
Finally this week ive admitted defeat. No matter how much time i spend with him or how much care i send to help him, he is no longer capable of living alone in his own house.
When i realised this it released so much emotion that i'd been holding in. In an attempt to stay practical i couldnt grieve over him and how he'd changed into someone else. It simply would not come out because i needed to put it in a place where it wouldnt interfere with coping. So, i spent yesterday letting it all out, to the bewilderment of husband, kids, rest of family and friends. i took myself out in the car and bawled my eyes out for most of the day and now i feel better.
Tomorrow dad is moving into a care home where he will be safe, looked after, well fed, helped with personal care and have company 24/7 if he needs it.
I can stop worrying about him so much and get my own life back together. I think i bypassed Christmnas but i am certainly ready to welcome the New Year.
So, tonight i raise a glass of nice Merlot and wish everyone i know a pleasant start to 2008. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
After the shock of my dads diagnosis ive been through trying to fix things for him (and including him), anger, guilt, and then a period of practical productiveness and desperate coping strategies. Its taken all my time and energy and ive let the rest of my family, friends, responsibilities and my own welfare slide to make room.
Finally this week ive admitted defeat. No matter how much time i spend with him or how much care i send to help him, he is no longer capable of living alone in his own house.
When i realised this it released so much emotion that i'd been holding in. In an attempt to stay practical i couldnt grieve over him and how he'd changed into someone else. It simply would not come out because i needed to put it in a place where it wouldnt interfere with coping. So, i spent yesterday letting it all out, to the bewilderment of husband, kids, rest of family and friends. i took myself out in the car and bawled my eyes out for most of the day and now i feel better.
Tomorrow dad is moving into a care home where he will be safe, looked after, well fed, helped with personal care and have company 24/7 if he needs it.
I can stop worrying about him so much and get my own life back together. I think i bypassed Christmnas but i am certainly ready to welcome the New Year.
So, tonight i raise a glass of nice Merlot and wish everyone i know a pleasant start to 2008. HAPPY NEW YEAR!