hang overs and lots of typing....
Let me preface this by refrencing this post....
http://crazydrunkjoe.livejournal.com/26557.html
If you remember that...kudos...it was a very long time ago now....let me go on to say...life repeats it self in strange ways...while not being the exact same situation, i am now once again...stuck, with a friend i trust less, a girl i trust less, and a headache from too much drinking. Life comes at you fast, and i think my reaction times are not what they once were.
wait...stop, let me start over...
Its 10am, ive been lying in bed awake seince almost 7. Unable to sleep ive sat here and screamed inside my head things that i thaught once that id never scream again. "fuck them both" "you dont need people like that in your life" "you promised yourself to just cut your losses and walk away" "she lied" "you can do better" "why would you want friends like that" Its the same argument that led me to blow up a power station in the desert years ago, its the same fight that haunted me for years after. One side screams run, the other screams how it was my fault anyways. Of course no one understands me, i dont open up to anyone anymore. Even on opening up last night, i held back, i didnt tell them how much i raged inside to even be able to go out with them.
yet here i am...Im exposed, this bitterness, this anger, everything i show to everyone else are walls. Walls put up because of my fear, walls put up because of mornings like this. Its only natural to put up defenses when your exposed...I guess i should stop again, and explain why im typing this, and what the hell happened. The best line ive found was in a old journal entry...basicly, im being a emo fuck craptastic asshat. Its more than that, its me doing what i am amazing at, completly fucking up. Im not a easy person to get along with, im angry i yell a lot im harsh i can be incredibly cruel, im bitter, i get jelous easy, i dont controll my anger well anymore, hell i dont controll myself well anymore. Im anti social, i dont like people in general, and i loose trust in people for little things that i think are huge deals when they really arent. oh and i cant spell, and sometimes i smell funny. Sometimes i really want to know why any of my friends are my friends at all. Why i somehow have people who are loyal to the point of violence, even when ive done nothing to merit such friendship. I run away from people, because they only let me down, but its not them who lets me down, its myself expecting perfection, from naturaly imperfect beings. I expect friends to understand me, and what im feeling and ignore what i say. And its for that exact reason that im sitting here now, hung over, feeling as if that post above had happened all over again. because i SAID i didnt want anything with sylvia....but what i FELT was that i want nothing but sylvia. I fight with myself every day, every....single....fucking....day....not to run away (and im now crying while typing...and crying + hang over + trying to put together words is...unfun, but we push on) because my fear is that great. My stupid, re-fuckingtarded fear that i could be happy with someone again and instead of just admiting that, i covered it up, i pretended i didnt feel that way, just like so many years ago i pretended i didnt have feelings for another girl, i lied then, i lied now.
sylv....
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of being happy, I am afraid of loyalty, I am afraid of loosing, I am afraid of not being enough, I am afraid of hurting you. I am nothing but fragile, but i throw myself into the rough waves because of you. You, are only the third person that i have completly wanted to change everything i am simply to be better for you. And those other two girls, i would have married both of them. i almost did marry both of them, if only in my mind. I told you this summer that i didnt want to date you, that i thaught it was a bad idea. ask jess, or kat...how many times i said that to them. I do not know why...i wish i did. I wish i could go back and take it all back, i wish this summer could start over fresh. I wish i was still the best friend i was last year. I am afraid of you because i love you and i have no reason or provocation to, and that is the scariest feeling of all. blind untenable love. I am terrified by it. It drives me when everything else in my body dies. when i cant sleep, when i cant do anything, i am petrified, and i become something i hate because of what i feel...and nothing on the face of the planet stops me. and because of it i act.....well...retarded is the common word....completly....fucking....retarded....and for that, i will always applogise.
someone once said that love is war, with no clear winner. I am trying to wave my white flag. I am trying to surrender to you, I am trying, but i am failing. I keep fighting when i shouldnt. I keep fighting you, myself, and i hate it. I am trying, because of you.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl
I am just a boy, sitting in the dark.
I am just a boy, figuring out his place
I am just a boy, screaming at the flowers
I am just a boy, crying in the bushes
I am just a boy, forcing himself not to run
I am just a boy, fighting himself inside
I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl
asking her to love him.
http://crazydrunkjoe.livejournal.com/26557.html
If you remember that...kudos...it was a very long time ago now....let me go on to say...life repeats it self in strange ways...while not being the exact same situation, i am now once again...stuck, with a friend i trust less, a girl i trust less, and a headache from too much drinking. Life comes at you fast, and i think my reaction times are not what they once were.
wait...stop, let me start over...
Its 10am, ive been lying in bed awake seince almost 7. Unable to sleep ive sat here and screamed inside my head things that i thaught once that id never scream again. "fuck them both" "you dont need people like that in your life" "you promised yourself to just cut your losses and walk away" "she lied" "you can do better" "why would you want friends like that" Its the same argument that led me to blow up a power station in the desert years ago, its the same fight that haunted me for years after. One side screams run, the other screams how it was my fault anyways. Of course no one understands me, i dont open up to anyone anymore. Even on opening up last night, i held back, i didnt tell them how much i raged inside to even be able to go out with them.
yet here i am...Im exposed, this bitterness, this anger, everything i show to everyone else are walls. Walls put up because of my fear, walls put up because of mornings like this. Its only natural to put up defenses when your exposed...I guess i should stop again, and explain why im typing this, and what the hell happened. The best line ive found was in a old journal entry...basicly, im being a emo fuck craptastic asshat. Its more than that, its me doing what i am amazing at, completly fucking up. Im not a easy person to get along with, im angry i yell a lot im harsh i can be incredibly cruel, im bitter, i get jelous easy, i dont controll my anger well anymore, hell i dont controll myself well anymore. Im anti social, i dont like people in general, and i loose trust in people for little things that i think are huge deals when they really arent. oh and i cant spell, and sometimes i smell funny. Sometimes i really want to know why any of my friends are my friends at all. Why i somehow have people who are loyal to the point of violence, even when ive done nothing to merit such friendship. I run away from people, because they only let me down, but its not them who lets me down, its myself expecting perfection, from naturaly imperfect beings. I expect friends to understand me, and what im feeling and ignore what i say. And its for that exact reason that im sitting here now, hung over, feeling as if that post above had happened all over again. because i SAID i didnt want anything with sylvia....but what i FELT was that i want nothing but sylvia. I fight with myself every day, every....single....fucking....day....not to run away (and im now crying while typing...and crying + hang over + trying to put together words is...unfun, but we push on) because my fear is that great. My stupid, re-fuckingtarded fear that i could be happy with someone again and instead of just admiting that, i covered it up, i pretended i didnt feel that way, just like so many years ago i pretended i didnt have feelings for another girl, i lied then, i lied now.
sylv....
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of being happy, I am afraid of loyalty, I am afraid of loosing, I am afraid of not being enough, I am afraid of hurting you. I am nothing but fragile, but i throw myself into the rough waves because of you. You, are only the third person that i have completly wanted to change everything i am simply to be better for you. And those other two girls, i would have married both of them. i almost did marry both of them, if only in my mind. I told you this summer that i didnt want to date you, that i thaught it was a bad idea. ask jess, or kat...how many times i said that to them. I do not know why...i wish i did. I wish i could go back and take it all back, i wish this summer could start over fresh. I wish i was still the best friend i was last year. I am afraid of you because i love you and i have no reason or provocation to, and that is the scariest feeling of all. blind untenable love. I am terrified by it. It drives me when everything else in my body dies. when i cant sleep, when i cant do anything, i am petrified, and i become something i hate because of what i feel...and nothing on the face of the planet stops me. and because of it i act.....well...retarded is the common word....completly....fucking....retarded....and for that, i will always applogise.
someone once said that love is war, with no clear winner. I am trying to wave my white flag. I am trying to surrender to you, I am trying, but i am failing. I keep fighting when i shouldnt. I keep fighting you, myself, and i hate it. I am trying, because of you.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl
I am just a boy, sitting in the dark.
I am just a boy, figuring out his place
I am just a boy, screaming at the flowers
I am just a boy, crying in the bushes
I am just a boy, forcing himself not to run
I am just a boy, fighting himself inside
I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl
asking her to love him.