Aloha 2011
So it is a new year and I am determined to update this LJ. I want my life typed out in my words, so that I may remember it. I don't want to forget things..even if they seem mundane. I find myself constanly recording through photos, words, blogs like Facebook and Goodreads, and now HD video thanks to my awesome Christmas and Anniversary gift from my husband. So today, on this lazy Sunday..34 weeks pregnant. I'm going to update from September the 19th to now...in so many words that is.. Of course I am sure I will do this while looking at Facebook, NEtflix, Flickr, etc...in my typical scattered brained fashion, but hey as long as it gets done that is all that matters....
A couple summary reports before I get to to the nitty gritty....
On pregnancy- The second and third trimester have been really great. I am currently 34 weeks and 4 days and have gained about 23 pounds. (Although my doctor told me I gained more than that..I don't think she actually knew my prepregnancy weight) I don't seemed to have gained too much in areas outside of my stomach and my boobs,although I do have to do a little waddling now that I didn't have to do before. Once I got over the fear of miscarriage in the first trimester I have managed to stay fairly active, doing prenatal yoga, the eliptical at the gym, and some free weights and swimming..I ran a little bit in the second trimester but found fairly quickly it hurt my hips. I also got out on two hikes after Tim left...did part of the Makiki Loop at 29 weeks, and Kaena Pt with Trist at 31 weeks. So that was good. I feel like if John were home I would definitely get out again, I really do feel pretty good, but he is not here. MArguerite has been flucutating with moving. She is stubborn. I try so hard to get her to move for others but she is so sporadic, she will move one moment and then be done for an hour or so. John and I have done quite a few webcam sessions, but he has only kinda seen her move once...starting around 28 weeks or so I could start seeing her move in little jerks outside my stomach, but nothing too big. She was pretty quiet and not moving for a while there, which made me really nervous. Around 28 weeks there was one day where she didn't move at all. But now I see her getting a lot more active..painful at times even. She seems to be shifting her weight a lot and kinda sliding in my stomach moret han flipping and kicking now, but that is because she is slowly running out of room in there. She has another 6 weeks of course, but it is going to get mroe and more cramped until she decides to come out.
On deployment: John is in Baghdad now. He volunteered to go for a little while... and I spoke with him yesterday morning, but have not spoke with him since. I am just waiting patiently for him to get back to Warhorse, where for some reason I feel like I will rest a little easier. This deployment has been less eventful than the first because John's job is not a scary for me this time. It is much more frustrating for him this time, because many of the soldiers he works with do not get along. I'm getting excited to see him for R&R when Marguerite is born, however Im already nervous about having to send him back. Being 6 months in I feel so excited knowing that Im done with those first days. The first days when you go home and your heart aches at every silence and echoing creak, every reminder that a part of you is missing...like unwashed clothing and a can of shaving cream on the sink. Every time you get off the phone with him you feel along, and empty inside. There is something missing when you lay down at night, a warmth that you normally feel..the emanates off your loved one, almost like static electricity between two people, that is painless, and existatent at all times. IT is that energy that is the abitlity to feel someone's presence without opening your eyes or moving your hands. Those first few days..to weeks..to months he is gone go from awful to tolerable. When you get to 6 months, and you have learned to live with it for so long you feel so great, that part of this process is over for now. However when I send him back, a bit of itwill restart again. However pain is a part of life. You can not avoid it, just must go on with it. We know absence will always do this....and it is just a matter of getting through it.
On Family
IT contined to be trying for me to have Rachel here, and I'm still trying to figure out our relationship. I'm not quite sure what it is about her that bothers me..to tell you the truth. And even writing and saying this makes me feel like a horrible person because Rachel is a sweet person and she wants good things for those around her. But something gets me the wrong way..something that is easier to ignore when Rachel was in Buffalo but harder to ignore when she was sharing my roof. I know whatever it is that bothers me, is what makes me a littler harder on her, especially in the house..about little things. I mean parts of it were just returning things the way you found them..which was a foreign concept for her. Or just things that are inappropriate..live having people over my house without asking, and who I don't know, or asking to dump recyclables from her new place at my house for me to take care of..that is a little strange, and is inappropriate. If I didn't say anything to her no one would and she would never learn, right? I don't know..but something bothers me. Some things I realized while she was here, others I did not. Like it bothers me that she never really said thank you for us letting her stay there, she doesn't ever seem grateful for things. Never once offered to give me gas money for taking her places, or thanked me for inviting her out with my friends or when I took her to things like the Makahiki. When I suggested things for her to do I saw her take the credit with her friends, and I also heard her say that her "brother took her all around the island when she visited in April.." While I was standing right there, I was like..."um hello, I took you all aroudn the island too" She never said thank you for using our car, and often acted entitled to using it...she called once and said "I need the car but I can't find the keys.." then when I asked her to check the tires before using it she didn't...and acted offended when I got annoyed she didn't check the tires. But the tires were low on air all week, I ended up having to fill them that weekend. It was really really trying having her here, now I'm just trying to right myself internally with my feelings towards Rachel to have this relationship. Luckily Rachel doesn't seem to notice I think there is something intrinsincally wrong with her. She probably thinks I'm up tight, bossy, controlling, and hormonal, but not that I have some serious problem with her. I guess that is a good thing, although none of those characteristics are flattering for me, better she thing I have these flaws, then that I am thinking so negatively of her. I really don't mean to be, but there is something missing, something that really bothers me, and causes me to tense up when she is around, and to react a littler harsher than I do with others. Anyway, not quite sure if I will figure it out..I think part of me sees Rachel as a little selfish. I mean I see her volunteering and doing things for other people, I just don't know if she really cares about others...that is such an awful thing to say..but if I can't say it here where can I right. It just seems like something is missing when you talk to her and see her. I'm very hot and cold with Rachel though, because other times she will do something really sweet, or nice, or impress me with her ability to handle a situation that maybe I didn't think she could have before.. so I'm trying to see past this feeling I have, I really am. Anyway it will constatly be a work in progress. I think she thinks I was very hard on her when she was living here, and because of that will never truly say thank you like she should for us letting her live here. But whatever, she is the one who has to live with that, not me. I need to reconcile how I feel for Rachel, and just love her as she is. If I don't feel I can trust her with things because of these past experience, or I don't want to then I have the right to do that with things that are mine to control, outside of that I need to just try the best I can to see her how she is, and not whatever it is that I keep seeing that is rubbing me the wrong way.
My Mom is another case to study. When she was here, she said to me she knew how Rachel felt..because I was too hard on people. But my Mom is a different case than Rachel completly. I know my Mom loves those around her, and cares about people. I don't feel the same discomfort with my Mom, at all, that I do with Rachel. Although I do see similarities that they both kinda expect people to change by the way they think and act. But in very differnt ways. My Mom and I get along very well now, now that we have put the Leify things behind us, which caused most of our fights before. I also do not bother her about her pain medications any longer, which used to cause us a lot of fight. Althought I do believe that the medications have altered her brain, and that is why she is a different person then she was when I was younger, and her mind is not as strong. I also believe the pain medication may have eroded her sense of will power. That is what we fight about the most, is my Mom's lack of willpower. She can not withstand anything, or put off any craving it seems. We fought mostly about her addiction to frozen yogurt. She had 24 servings of frozen yogurt in 3 days. I don't care what kind of frozen yogurt it is, that isn't good for you. And when she wanted more, the craving and desire took over her. Like she could think of nothing else, she had to have it. She got this crazy look in her eyes, that was both annoying and just plain scary. I know tis frozen yogurt..not like crack cocaine or something, but it was just bothersome. She just has no will power, if she wants something she just wants it case closed. Everything she does she has some sort of medically definied excuse for it..I do this because I'm depressed, becuase I'm OCD, because I have this, because I have that..etc.. However for the most part we had an enjoyable visit. We also argued over money, but I think I'm going to put a stop to tracking her spending, outside of her buying too much for the baby and her buying too much food she isn't going to eat at my house. Both which have been problems in the past, but outside that.. I'll just let them go into bankruptcy again I need to stop caring. When it affects me I will say something. I don't know, at least this time around things with my Mom were very petty. She said I was too hard on people, because I got annoyed that she was asking me what I wanted to do about something, then just doing it her way. Then when I asked her to do something my way, she didn't do it that way until Iw as mean about it. That is part of the problem, people won't listen to you unless youa re stern. I have the same problem training at work. If I'm not stern and to the point it is in one ear and out the other. Seems like human nature really. But things with my Mom really don't bother me like things with Rachel, there is not that underlying sense of unease. Perhaps that is because I grew up with my Mom. But I have to find a way to reconcile these feelings before Marugerite gets here. It is important she be surrounded by people she loves, and who love her, and who Mommy has confidence in. Right now I would not leave either one of them alone with my child, my Mom I wouldn't because I don't believe she would respect my wishes towards MArguerite..because she has no willpower to do things outside the way she wants to, and Rachel because I just don't trust her. It is bad..and I have to find a way to feel better. I mean not caring and picking at them will be a start, but when it comes to my baby I do have to care. How can I stay sane? Love my family? Live and let live? Give my child access to all her family members with ease and love? and sleep at night knowing I'm taking care of Marguerite the way I want to? This is my family dilemma coming up in 2011... how to manage and accept my family for the way they are, while not letting their faults harm the most precious thing in the world. How not to stress about this anymore, while doing right by my family too...and myself. I mean I have to stand up for myself too, if someone does something wrong against you you should say something. Like when Rachel knew we were leaving for graduation at 4 pm, yet she showed up at 4:15 after stopping Subway and didn't seem to feel bad or apologize at all when she realized we were sitting waiting for her - and that I was going to be late for my own graduation. She was nonchalent, and was like "I didn't think you would wait" why wouldn't we wait, what the hell.... anywho, like I said the challenge for 2011. I feel better about my Mom, and I'm not too worried for that, I know trust with her and Marley will come along, and I actually feel better about our relationship now then I did before. But as for Rachel, it is a work in progress. She wants to come over on Friday and cook for me, which is really really sweet, and definitely a step in the right direction. Like I said..2011 resolution..1) STop picking at my Mom about money that isn't related to me 2) Try to avoid discussion of frozen yogurt with my Mom, but accept that she won't change 3) try to resolve my feelings towards Rachel so Marguerite can enjoy her only blood aunt on island.
On the future: so the big future is of course Marguerite. It is January 2, and she is due in 1 month and 7 days :) Amazing how much is going to change in that little bit of time. As for professional life though. I have 10 more days of full time work. Pam has been a little hard on me lately, because we are in a financial bind with the company and she seems to think that it is all my fault, the way I run things, etc... Whatever, she said something last week..that at first didn't bother me, but then it bothered me, but whatever. I don't need to take this. I love her and Benny but I don't need the job at this point, I need to concentrate on being a Mommy. But I'm staying with them to help them out, and make sure there is continuity, and that everything I did doesn't get lost. I don't know..maybe I did cause the problems and I think I was doin the best but I wasn't. The money will be helpful too, not quitting completly. Hopefully I can' bring in about $200 per week once I stay at home. A little bit less than now, but it will really be helpful for baby expenses. Anywho, so thereis 10 days of full time then 10 days of part time. Then January 28, 11 days before my due date will be my last day in the office..then I can work from home until April when I'll go back in 1 day a week..so I'm excited about that. Eventually Bennys shouldn't need me anymore, then I'm not sure what will be next for me. I got my Masters now, and we will be here for 3 more years, then I don't know what I will do. I want to work in my field, but I don't know how or where I want to go. I'll be a stay at home Mom for at least a year, and then who knows..
So that should bring the summaries up to date.... so back to September- through today
September19- once back in NJ we met up with Lianna, Keith, Lorenzo, Chance, Aunt Karen and Uncle Gary at Applewood to first visit Pop-pop then go down to the Freehold tavern for dinner. It was nice being able to visit Pop-pop, but it was really hard to see him. He couldn't talk much and sounded like his throat was really dry- but we couldn't really give him much to drink. He was also covered in urine, and seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I couldn't really understand what it was he was saying to me. The one thing I did enjoy was picking up Lorenzo for him..he really seemed to love that, he loves babies and baby pictures and reacts a lot to them. Catching up with Lianna and Keith was great, but hard to see what they are going through as foster parents.They are such selfless people, with what they do for the kids they get. I'm just so impressed by them, and seeing them go through the process with the kids now it svery tough. Just and update Chance went home in the beginning of December, but Lorenzo is still there, and just maybe he will stay? I hope so. It was so strange starting the weekend hoping for Elena to get her baby, but wanting Lianna and Keith to get someone elses. After dinner, Anjum and I checked into a Best Western and finished our snacks and watched Drillbit Taylor..comfortable and exhausted. On Monday Anjum dropped me off at the airport and I took the 10 hour trip back to Hawaii. Not a bad flight, talked a little with the guy next to me, read, slept, and watched a documentary called Babies. Rachel picked me up from the airport, and cleaned up the house before I came which was really sweet, but then I found out she had invited some guy I never met over which put a damper on things but eh...that is how it goes.
The next big day was the ultrasound day, on September 23. Kat went with me and it was amazing and reassuring. We saw her little girl parts, and that everything was measuring perfectly. It was so unbelievable to see that and know she was in my tummy. She kept stretching, grabbing her feet over her head, and shaking her fists. Adorable already :) Afterward we went to the NEX food court and looked at baby clothes at the NEX to get more excited.
That weekend to celebrate finding out the sex of the baby we went yard saling on Iroquois Pt. Kat, Aiden, Danielle, and Will and I met up to go over there. I only spent about $18 and got a ton of cute clothes for her and just had a good time. Then later that night we had spouses night out. We met up at a little Cantina called Benditos or something like that. The mole wasn't too good, the meat tasted funny, but it was good company. AFterward we went to a little Korean karaoke place. At first everyone stared at the little group of white girls (well and one hapa Hawaiian girl) walking in, but eventually we started singing and they grew to love us at brought musical instruments out for us to play while we sang the songs..hehe. AFter renditions of love shack, LIsa loeb, Paradise city, and the like we had a lot of fun and were well liked :)
At this point I'm trying to piece together what happened between October 1 and October 24, and I can't really remember. A lot of homework yes, Dad and Linda's bdays, Leify's 2nd Angel Day. I think we went to Nimitz beach on the 9th and hung out with Kat and Aiden, afterward I had dinner at Kat's house and played with Aiden. IT was really funny at the beach because her dog was really scared of the waves..and she has a 145 lb english mastiff that was got all whiny when his Mommy went into the water. But Nimitz is a beautiful beach and a great place for kids since there is a little protected area for them to swim. Then Sunday I met up with Danielle at the Baby and Kid expo. We had a lot of fun being the pregnant ladies, exploring new things for babies. We got to sit in on a discussion on swaddling and Dr. Mom about baby first aid. I got Marley a super cute little Hawaiian outfit. Afterward I went to Nate and Kori's for Kori's bday. It was so nice seeing them all again. I love seeing all their kids play together, and the good groups of friends they formed at Kunia. Makes me so excited to be going to Kunia and to have a real group of friends and just do family things :)
I think the next weekend Kat and I went to a sushi place in Kapolei then watched The men who stare at goats since her brother had Aiden for the night. During the week I started my baby registry which was fun..but frustrating since I had a lot research to do at that point. The next weekend I went yardsaling at Kat's place, and found a great deal on an exersaucer. Then Sunday Kat and I went and hung out at Nimitz beach again..beautiful day :)
Next weekend was Halloween and the 5th weekend of October. Friday Rachel, Kat, Aiden and I went to Outback to celebrate getting through4 months of deployment. Saturday we met up with some couch surfers, Candace and her kids, and Kat and Aiden ... at Aloun Farms pumpkin patch. The only PUmpkin patch in Hawaii. We picked corn and onions, founds some pumpkins, and went on a $1.00 hay ride. All in all it was a good day thinking about Halloween in the tropics. That night I went home to sloppy joes and Supernatural while Rachel went out for Halloween fun all hours of the night.
On Sunday I went to Candace's with Rachel and Kat for trick or treating. We had a lot of fun, and I had a good time walking around as Homer Simpson, got a lot of laughs and comments :) Afterward Rachel was going to go out again, and I asked her to be careful coming in because the night before she woke me up at 4 am. Well then I think I was attacked by bad karma for asking this, because later that night I woke up every single hour starting at 11 or 12, and when I woke up at 2:30 it was because there was a centipede in the house. Although I was impressed with my ability to catch and release the centipede without harm at that hour in the morning.
So the next week started out rough after not getting enough sleep on Sunday, plus we were starting to hit crunch time on our group project with 2 weeks left. That weekend I did the Makahiki with Rachel, and got to see Uncle Shad, Uncle Bob, Bruce, Dan, and some of the other paddlers..which was nice, but of course made me miss paddling like crazy. Afterward we stopped by Borders then came home to relax. I enjoyed the Makahiki..such a beautiful tradition and a time of relaxing on the islands. Celebrate peace and Lono. That night Rachel worked and I got to watch Away we go and eat Brinner :)
Sunday I went out to Pokai Bay for Jamie's 1st birthday. I had no idea all these old paddlers would be there, but I got to see Boni and Michael, and Willie and his daughter. I also got to go on a standup paddle board, and a kayak. IT was a really beautiful fun time. Afterward I went up to schofield BArracks for Shelby's first birthday, I was really late but got to see him open his presents and have fun with Candace and everyone.
Okay didn't make it all the way yet, but I made it to November 7 that isn't too bad.
A couple summary reports before I get to to the nitty gritty....
On pregnancy- The second and third trimester have been really great. I am currently 34 weeks and 4 days and have gained about 23 pounds. (Although my doctor told me I gained more than that..I don't think she actually knew my prepregnancy weight) I don't seemed to have gained too much in areas outside of my stomach and my boobs,although I do have to do a little waddling now that I didn't have to do before. Once I got over the fear of miscarriage in the first trimester I have managed to stay fairly active, doing prenatal yoga, the eliptical at the gym, and some free weights and swimming..I ran a little bit in the second trimester but found fairly quickly it hurt my hips. I also got out on two hikes after Tim left...did part of the Makiki Loop at 29 weeks, and Kaena Pt with Trist at 31 weeks. So that was good. I feel like if John were home I would definitely get out again, I really do feel pretty good, but he is not here. MArguerite has been flucutating with moving. She is stubborn. I try so hard to get her to move for others but she is so sporadic, she will move one moment and then be done for an hour or so. John and I have done quite a few webcam sessions, but he has only kinda seen her move once...starting around 28 weeks or so I could start seeing her move in little jerks outside my stomach, but nothing too big. She was pretty quiet and not moving for a while there, which made me really nervous. Around 28 weeks there was one day where she didn't move at all. But now I see her getting a lot more active..painful at times even. She seems to be shifting her weight a lot and kinda sliding in my stomach moret han flipping and kicking now, but that is because she is slowly running out of room in there. She has another 6 weeks of course, but it is going to get mroe and more cramped until she decides to come out.
On deployment: John is in Baghdad now. He volunteered to go for a little while... and I spoke with him yesterday morning, but have not spoke with him since. I am just waiting patiently for him to get back to Warhorse, where for some reason I feel like I will rest a little easier. This deployment has been less eventful than the first because John's job is not a scary for me this time. It is much more frustrating for him this time, because many of the soldiers he works with do not get along. I'm getting excited to see him for R&R when Marguerite is born, however Im already nervous about having to send him back. Being 6 months in I feel so excited knowing that Im done with those first days. The first days when you go home and your heart aches at every silence and echoing creak, every reminder that a part of you is missing...like unwashed clothing and a can of shaving cream on the sink. Every time you get off the phone with him you feel along, and empty inside. There is something missing when you lay down at night, a warmth that you normally feel..the emanates off your loved one, almost like static electricity between two people, that is painless, and existatent at all times. IT is that energy that is the abitlity to feel someone's presence without opening your eyes or moving your hands. Those first few days..to weeks..to months he is gone go from awful to tolerable. When you get to 6 months, and you have learned to live with it for so long you feel so great, that part of this process is over for now. However when I send him back, a bit of itwill restart again. However pain is a part of life. You can not avoid it, just must go on with it. We know absence will always do this....and it is just a matter of getting through it.
On Family
IT contined to be trying for me to have Rachel here, and I'm still trying to figure out our relationship. I'm not quite sure what it is about her that bothers me..to tell you the truth. And even writing and saying this makes me feel like a horrible person because Rachel is a sweet person and she wants good things for those around her. But something gets me the wrong way..something that is easier to ignore when Rachel was in Buffalo but harder to ignore when she was sharing my roof. I know whatever it is that bothers me, is what makes me a littler harder on her, especially in the house..about little things. I mean parts of it were just returning things the way you found them..which was a foreign concept for her. Or just things that are inappropriate..live having people over my house without asking, and who I don't know, or asking to dump recyclables from her new place at my house for me to take care of..that is a little strange, and is inappropriate. If I didn't say anything to her no one would and she would never learn, right? I don't know..but something bothers me. Some things I realized while she was here, others I did not. Like it bothers me that she never really said thank you for us letting her stay there, she doesn't ever seem grateful for things. Never once offered to give me gas money for taking her places, or thanked me for inviting her out with my friends or when I took her to things like the Makahiki. When I suggested things for her to do I saw her take the credit with her friends, and I also heard her say that her "brother took her all around the island when she visited in April.." While I was standing right there, I was like..."um hello, I took you all aroudn the island too" She never said thank you for using our car, and often acted entitled to using it...she called once and said "I need the car but I can't find the keys.." then when I asked her to check the tires before using it she didn't...and acted offended when I got annoyed she didn't check the tires. But the tires were low on air all week, I ended up having to fill them that weekend. It was really really trying having her here, now I'm just trying to right myself internally with my feelings towards Rachel to have this relationship. Luckily Rachel doesn't seem to notice I think there is something intrinsincally wrong with her. She probably thinks I'm up tight, bossy, controlling, and hormonal, but not that I have some serious problem with her. I guess that is a good thing, although none of those characteristics are flattering for me, better she thing I have these flaws, then that I am thinking so negatively of her. I really don't mean to be, but there is something missing, something that really bothers me, and causes me to tense up when she is around, and to react a littler harsher than I do with others. Anyway, not quite sure if I will figure it out..I think part of me sees Rachel as a little selfish. I mean I see her volunteering and doing things for other people, I just don't know if she really cares about others...that is such an awful thing to say..but if I can't say it here where can I right. It just seems like something is missing when you talk to her and see her. I'm very hot and cold with Rachel though, because other times she will do something really sweet, or nice, or impress me with her ability to handle a situation that maybe I didn't think she could have before.. so I'm trying to see past this feeling I have, I really am. Anyway it will constatly be a work in progress. I think she thinks I was very hard on her when she was living here, and because of that will never truly say thank you like she should for us letting her live here. But whatever, she is the one who has to live with that, not me. I need to reconcile how I feel for Rachel, and just love her as she is. If I don't feel I can trust her with things because of these past experience, or I don't want to then I have the right to do that with things that are mine to control, outside of that I need to just try the best I can to see her how she is, and not whatever it is that I keep seeing that is rubbing me the wrong way.
My Mom is another case to study. When she was here, she said to me she knew how Rachel felt..because I was too hard on people. But my Mom is a different case than Rachel completly. I know my Mom loves those around her, and cares about people. I don't feel the same discomfort with my Mom, at all, that I do with Rachel. Although I do see similarities that they both kinda expect people to change by the way they think and act. But in very differnt ways. My Mom and I get along very well now, now that we have put the Leify things behind us, which caused most of our fights before. I also do not bother her about her pain medications any longer, which used to cause us a lot of fight. Althought I do believe that the medications have altered her brain, and that is why she is a different person then she was when I was younger, and her mind is not as strong. I also believe the pain medication may have eroded her sense of will power. That is what we fight about the most, is my Mom's lack of willpower. She can not withstand anything, or put off any craving it seems. We fought mostly about her addiction to frozen yogurt. She had 24 servings of frozen yogurt in 3 days. I don't care what kind of frozen yogurt it is, that isn't good for you. And when she wanted more, the craving and desire took over her. Like she could think of nothing else, she had to have it. She got this crazy look in her eyes, that was both annoying and just plain scary. I know tis frozen yogurt..not like crack cocaine or something, but it was just bothersome. She just has no will power, if she wants something she just wants it case closed. Everything she does she has some sort of medically definied excuse for it..I do this because I'm depressed, becuase I'm OCD, because I have this, because I have that..etc.. However for the most part we had an enjoyable visit. We also argued over money, but I think I'm going to put a stop to tracking her spending, outside of her buying too much for the baby and her buying too much food she isn't going to eat at my house. Both which have been problems in the past, but outside that.. I'll just let them go into bankruptcy again I need to stop caring. When it affects me I will say something. I don't know, at least this time around things with my Mom were very petty. She said I was too hard on people, because I got annoyed that she was asking me what I wanted to do about something, then just doing it her way. Then when I asked her to do something my way, she didn't do it that way until Iw as mean about it. That is part of the problem, people won't listen to you unless youa re stern. I have the same problem training at work. If I'm not stern and to the point it is in one ear and out the other. Seems like human nature really. But things with my Mom really don't bother me like things with Rachel, there is not that underlying sense of unease. Perhaps that is because I grew up with my Mom. But I have to find a way to reconcile these feelings before Marugerite gets here. It is important she be surrounded by people she loves, and who love her, and who Mommy has confidence in. Right now I would not leave either one of them alone with my child, my Mom I wouldn't because I don't believe she would respect my wishes towards MArguerite..because she has no willpower to do things outside the way she wants to, and Rachel because I just don't trust her. It is bad..and I have to find a way to feel better. I mean not caring and picking at them will be a start, but when it comes to my baby I do have to care. How can I stay sane? Love my family? Live and let live? Give my child access to all her family members with ease and love? and sleep at night knowing I'm taking care of Marguerite the way I want to? This is my family dilemma coming up in 2011... how to manage and accept my family for the way they are, while not letting their faults harm the most precious thing in the world. How not to stress about this anymore, while doing right by my family too...and myself. I mean I have to stand up for myself too, if someone does something wrong against you you should say something. Like when Rachel knew we were leaving for graduation at 4 pm, yet she showed up at 4:15 after stopping Subway and didn't seem to feel bad or apologize at all when she realized we were sitting waiting for her - and that I was going to be late for my own graduation. She was nonchalent, and was like "I didn't think you would wait" why wouldn't we wait, what the hell.... anywho, like I said the challenge for 2011. I feel better about my Mom, and I'm not too worried for that, I know trust with her and Marley will come along, and I actually feel better about our relationship now then I did before. But as for Rachel, it is a work in progress. She wants to come over on Friday and cook for me, which is really really sweet, and definitely a step in the right direction. Like I said..2011 resolution..1) STop picking at my Mom about money that isn't related to me 2) Try to avoid discussion of frozen yogurt with my Mom, but accept that she won't change 3) try to resolve my feelings towards Rachel so Marguerite can enjoy her only blood aunt on island.
On the future: so the big future is of course Marguerite. It is January 2, and she is due in 1 month and 7 days :) Amazing how much is going to change in that little bit of time. As for professional life though. I have 10 more days of full time work. Pam has been a little hard on me lately, because we are in a financial bind with the company and she seems to think that it is all my fault, the way I run things, etc... Whatever, she said something last week..that at first didn't bother me, but then it bothered me, but whatever. I don't need to take this. I love her and Benny but I don't need the job at this point, I need to concentrate on being a Mommy. But I'm staying with them to help them out, and make sure there is continuity, and that everything I did doesn't get lost. I don't know..maybe I did cause the problems and I think I was doin the best but I wasn't. The money will be helpful too, not quitting completly. Hopefully I can' bring in about $200 per week once I stay at home. A little bit less than now, but it will really be helpful for baby expenses. Anywho, so thereis 10 days of full time then 10 days of part time. Then January 28, 11 days before my due date will be my last day in the office..then I can work from home until April when I'll go back in 1 day a week..so I'm excited about that. Eventually Bennys shouldn't need me anymore, then I'm not sure what will be next for me. I got my Masters now, and we will be here for 3 more years, then I don't know what I will do. I want to work in my field, but I don't know how or where I want to go. I'll be a stay at home Mom for at least a year, and then who knows..
So that should bring the summaries up to date.... so back to September- through today
September19- once back in NJ we met up with Lianna, Keith, Lorenzo, Chance, Aunt Karen and Uncle Gary at Applewood to first visit Pop-pop then go down to the Freehold tavern for dinner. It was nice being able to visit Pop-pop, but it was really hard to see him. He couldn't talk much and sounded like his throat was really dry- but we couldn't really give him much to drink. He was also covered in urine, and seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I couldn't really understand what it was he was saying to me. The one thing I did enjoy was picking up Lorenzo for him..he really seemed to love that, he loves babies and baby pictures and reacts a lot to them. Catching up with Lianna and Keith was great, but hard to see what they are going through as foster parents.They are such selfless people, with what they do for the kids they get. I'm just so impressed by them, and seeing them go through the process with the kids now it svery tough. Just and update Chance went home in the beginning of December, but Lorenzo is still there, and just maybe he will stay? I hope so. It was so strange starting the weekend hoping for Elena to get her baby, but wanting Lianna and Keith to get someone elses. After dinner, Anjum and I checked into a Best Western and finished our snacks and watched Drillbit Taylor..comfortable and exhausted. On Monday Anjum dropped me off at the airport and I took the 10 hour trip back to Hawaii. Not a bad flight, talked a little with the guy next to me, read, slept, and watched a documentary called Babies. Rachel picked me up from the airport, and cleaned up the house before I came which was really sweet, but then I found out she had invited some guy I never met over which put a damper on things but eh...that is how it goes.
The next big day was the ultrasound day, on September 23. Kat went with me and it was amazing and reassuring. We saw her little girl parts, and that everything was measuring perfectly. It was so unbelievable to see that and know she was in my tummy. She kept stretching, grabbing her feet over her head, and shaking her fists. Adorable already :) Afterward we went to the NEX food court and looked at baby clothes at the NEX to get more excited.
That weekend to celebrate finding out the sex of the baby we went yard saling on Iroquois Pt. Kat, Aiden, Danielle, and Will and I met up to go over there. I only spent about $18 and got a ton of cute clothes for her and just had a good time. Then later that night we had spouses night out. We met up at a little Cantina called Benditos or something like that. The mole wasn't too good, the meat tasted funny, but it was good company. AFterward we went to a little Korean karaoke place. At first everyone stared at the little group of white girls (well and one hapa Hawaiian girl) walking in, but eventually we started singing and they grew to love us at brought musical instruments out for us to play while we sang the songs..hehe. AFter renditions of love shack, LIsa loeb, Paradise city, and the like we had a lot of fun and were well liked :)
At this point I'm trying to piece together what happened between October 1 and October 24, and I can't really remember. A lot of homework yes, Dad and Linda's bdays, Leify's 2nd Angel Day. I think we went to Nimitz beach on the 9th and hung out with Kat and Aiden, afterward I had dinner at Kat's house and played with Aiden. IT was really funny at the beach because her dog was really scared of the waves..and she has a 145 lb english mastiff that was got all whiny when his Mommy went into the water. But Nimitz is a beautiful beach and a great place for kids since there is a little protected area for them to swim. Then Sunday I met up with Danielle at the Baby and Kid expo. We had a lot of fun being the pregnant ladies, exploring new things for babies. We got to sit in on a discussion on swaddling and Dr. Mom about baby first aid. I got Marley a super cute little Hawaiian outfit. Afterward I went to Nate and Kori's for Kori's bday. It was so nice seeing them all again. I love seeing all their kids play together, and the good groups of friends they formed at Kunia. Makes me so excited to be going to Kunia and to have a real group of friends and just do family things :)
I think the next weekend Kat and I went to a sushi place in Kapolei then watched The men who stare at goats since her brother had Aiden for the night. During the week I started my baby registry which was fun..but frustrating since I had a lot research to do at that point. The next weekend I went yardsaling at Kat's place, and found a great deal on an exersaucer. Then Sunday Kat and I went and hung out at Nimitz beach again..beautiful day :)
Next weekend was Halloween and the 5th weekend of October. Friday Rachel, Kat, Aiden and I went to Outback to celebrate getting through4 months of deployment. Saturday we met up with some couch surfers, Candace and her kids, and Kat and Aiden ... at Aloun Farms pumpkin patch. The only PUmpkin patch in Hawaii. We picked corn and onions, founds some pumpkins, and went on a $1.00 hay ride. All in all it was a good day thinking about Halloween in the tropics. That night I went home to sloppy joes and Supernatural while Rachel went out for Halloween fun all hours of the night.
On Sunday I went to Candace's with Rachel and Kat for trick or treating. We had a lot of fun, and I had a good time walking around as Homer Simpson, got a lot of laughs and comments :) Afterward Rachel was going to go out again, and I asked her to be careful coming in because the night before she woke me up at 4 am. Well then I think I was attacked by bad karma for asking this, because later that night I woke up every single hour starting at 11 or 12, and when I woke up at 2:30 it was because there was a centipede in the house. Although I was impressed with my ability to catch and release the centipede without harm at that hour in the morning.
So the next week started out rough after not getting enough sleep on Sunday, plus we were starting to hit crunch time on our group project with 2 weeks left. That weekend I did the Makahiki with Rachel, and got to see Uncle Shad, Uncle Bob, Bruce, Dan, and some of the other paddlers..which was nice, but of course made me miss paddling like crazy. Afterward we stopped by Borders then came home to relax. I enjoyed the Makahiki..such a beautiful tradition and a time of relaxing on the islands. Celebrate peace and Lono. That night Rachel worked and I got to watch Away we go and eat Brinner :)
Sunday I went out to Pokai Bay for Jamie's 1st birthday. I had no idea all these old paddlers would be there, but I got to see Boni and Michael, and Willie and his daughter. I also got to go on a standup paddle board, and a kayak. IT was a really beautiful fun time. Afterward I went up to schofield BArracks for Shelby's first birthday, I was really late but got to see him open his presents and have fun with Candace and everyone.
Okay didn't make it all the way yet, but I made it to November 7 that isn't too bad.