A lot of big things happening
So 8 weeks pregnant.. I really can't believe it most of the time. I just can't fathom that there is something growing inside of me. To the point it scares me that there isn't something growing inside me. There is a thing called a missed miscarriage..where women go in to hear their baby's hb and check up only to find out the baby stopped growing at some point...and it has to be one of the worst thing that can happen to someone..and I'm terrified. I have never had a healthy, viable pregnancy so I don't know what to expect from my body...and I can't imagine it happening- getting bigger, hearing the heartbeat, giving birth, and being a mommy. Although I want all of those things so much. Although I couldn't imagine hearing and seeing the heartbeat, and I did two weeks ago today. So i'm hoping what I'm feeling is just a normal irrational fear of the unknown. Like the first time John went to Iraq, I was so terrified because I couldn't picture him coming home. Everything he did there scared me. But this time around I miss him like crazy, but I'm not scared. I trust him more- to take care of himself, and get through the situation. I know things can still happen, but I feel more secure in that it turned out positive before. I'm hoping after this experience I can learn to trust my body now. Today i'm particulary scared. I normally wake up pretty nauseous and have to be careful what I eat, even throw up in the morning often. Today I was fine, I even had a very light cup of tea...which is strange. I haven't had any weird cravings since John left- except for a desire for ketchup or bbq sauce with my chicken nuggets. Oh and a desire for chicken nuggets. The week before he left I only wanted to eat cheeseburgers and hot dogs. But I could see how your body could get sick of that...lol. I've been exhausted, but the first weeks I was knocked out around 8:30, last night I stayed up till 10, and then slept till 8ish. I think everything is still goingwell, I just get nervous if I feel well. I wish I had an earlier check up to make sure everything was going okay, I don't have a check up for another 2 1/2 weeks. There are also all kinds of incocous pains and aches, which are scary. In your hips, back, tailbone, and stomach...I'm positive they are all normal and healthy, but still scary. I just overall feel too energetic and good to be pregnant. But hopefully that is just me, I
mean I'm a really energetic person anyway, and I normall do a lot of different things, so hopefully my body is just handling this better. I also hear it is very normal for symptoms to be very sporadic. So I'm thinking I am just one of those people, who gets waves of nausea or breast pain or whatever, rather than all day type things. We will see I guess. Emotionally it is such a rollercoaster ride. When I wake up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night, I often sit there elated about being a Mom and everything great that will come in the future, when the baby comes, and John gets home. Sometimes I feel so ready to pick out everything for the baby, and put dream about our lives together, and then other times I get really negative and scared. I also get weepy all the time, I have been watching a lot of tv and everytime babies are there- being born, or fits bonding with their parents I get teary eyed- then I get teary eyed about other things too, like watching Clean House and they made $19,000 for charity, and I got teary eyed about that...so strange. So anywho, that is where I am, riding this rollercoaster of feelings and fears, hoping the best and that baby is growing and healthy :)
In other news- John left Tuesday. I wasn't as shaken up as the first time, as explained above, although when he said the buses were coming- it kind of hit in. Those stupid civil rights protest area buses line up - about10 in a row, to shuttle the guys in leaving all of the wives and children standing on the field trying not to cry- trying to hold it all together- so they get one last look at us. Then the buses rev their engines and sit again for another 5 minutes. Fluttering the hearts of all of the bystanders, as the opening lyrics of The Decemberist song 16 by 32 echos in your head, eventually they drive off. And that is it. Single file they drive from Schofield Army Post to Hickam Air Force Base, and they are off - 1 year and you will see them again, in an equally dramatic entrance. Prior to them leaving they had a deployment ceremony on Sills field. With speaches by the Base commander on sacrifice, and war. They packed unit flags and colors to go into a combat zone, and sang the Army song, the 25th Id song, and then oddly enough the Aloha song. Which is the Aloha O'e song that Queen Liloukalani composed, however not as I had orginally thought- upon being dethroned by US Business interests, but upon witnessing the parting of two lovers- I guess it is very appropriate then. Aloha ʻoe, aloha ʻoe , E ke onaona noho i ka lipo, One fond embrace, Ere I depart, Until we meet again.
Now Im hanging out working on my thesis. Not getting too nauseous from the computer, which is good and unnerving..lol. My thesis is very late right now, and I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with its- so its a little stressful. Also John's sister is moving in in 2 weeks, and that is a little unnerving as well. I know I will let her know when she is bothering me, and all that, but everyone is going crazy about her coming because they think I won't stand up for myself. But I will stand up for myself. As I mentioned in a previous post she isn't a bad person- just oblivious to her surroundings, and a little selfish. I just don't think she understands empathy or has the ability to understand things for another point of view. So it seems atleast. We will see though, I want to give her this chance, but I already let her know I expect ther to take care of herself, and be very conscientous of me (and vice versa) that we are not roommnates,but she is staying in our home. Cuz she is is, and I think that is an important distinction that could put her in the right mindset for this. Her sister is driving me a little crazy with worry about her coming, and trying to convince her not to come, but she just doesn't know me well enough to know I will stand up for myself. Rachel doesn't understand that living in Hawaii isn't this amazing thing - life in paradise- as her vacation was. And either she is going to rise to the challenges, or she is going to go home. Its up to her, I'm not messing anyting up for her, or make assumptions about how she will do living here, I'm just putting my foot down that I will not be taking care of her.
So yea that is that...catching up is going to be tough, but I will do the best I can....
So that night John got sick back in April was so horrible. I was so worried about him, his friend was a total jerk and just wanted to hit on Rachel's friend. I shouldn't have let his friend drive home really, but I had my hands full. John threw up on the car on the way home, then I had to fight with him to get out of the car once we got home. Luckily though, I got him to take his disgusting pukey clothes off and go to bed, and I felt much better. When Rachel and John's friends finally stopped by, I was so angry I could barely look them in the eye, then Turner started peeing on the house outside, which definitely did not help...He has many strikes with me. (although I forgive drunk hijinks pretty easy) John woke up the next morning and was fine, which made me feel a lot better.
The next day Rachel took her friend to the airport. Then we hung out a lot of the day till the evening, then took Rachel to the little turtle beach in Makaha to watch the sunset. We mostly hung out, there were no turtles.
ooo..update..I think I want pepperoni pizza tonight...
Anywho..that Sunday we took Rachel to Koolina for snorkeling and a luau at Paradise Cove. It was a really enjoyable last day with Rachel- we saw spinner dolphins, a ton of fish and sea turtles outside of the Kihei power plant, where reef grows on the water release pipes, and had a great time. Then we relaxed on the beach for an hour before changing and heading over tot he paradise cove luau for hula dancing (rachel and I went on stage to give it a try) good food, and playing with koi balls and spears. Oh and yummy lava flow drinks.
The next day I had to go to work, and Rachel had to get ready to leave. AFter work I spent all evening on my thesis, and due to the catch up wasn't able to take Rachel tothe airport, but I think she understood. During the week John and I took the chance to relax and catch up with each other and school work. Whenever company comes I end up missing him, because I feel like we really don't spend too much time together. I'm pretty sure we went out to eat, saw a few movies, went on a few runs, and the like. That following weekend, we went to the Kokua fest on April 24. It was a blast, we hung out on the lawn at the Waikiki shell and got to see Jack Johnson and Ziggy marley :) We stayed downtown that night, but didn't go out and do anything too special...we were pretty tired. The next day we met up with the Sierra Club downtown for some hiking and nature guiding on the Bowman trail. It was a 3-5 mile roundtrip, and we were at a pretty relaxed pace, so it was nice. Learned a lot about trees in the area and got some nice views. That next week was the end of school pretty much. I spent most of the week working on my project for ARC GIS, and doing thesis edits. Everything was coming due soon. We finisehd our project for one class, and didn't do to well on it. That Thursday I thought I had some really good news-- John was really excited, but alas they were false hopes, and it only lasted 5 days. That Saturday we ran in the PIneapple Run up in Wahiawa. Then we went home to do homework and hangout, and Turner came over later- to not apologize for peeing on the house, but him and John hung out late. Sunday we went out to eat at Zippys, then I spent most of the day doing my ARC GIS project and getting the presentation together. Monday the presenation went really well. I was really excited that it came out, and it actually made sense. The 4th and the 5th were not good days, I stayed home from work, and was very sad. I started to feel better as things went on. Hoping to be more positve. That next weekend- we had my friend Paula over on Friday to help her with her GIS project. We ended up making dinner- then driving herh ome, and stopping at First Friday downtown- just for a little. Then Im pretty sure we were really chill that weekend- did chores, homework, relaxed. Saturday the 8th was Leify's birthday- so it was a tough morning of thinking about our little man and how much I still miss him:)
The next weekend was way better. We did masages on Friday night, followed by dinner out. Then Saturday we went hiking in Palolo on a trail called Pu'u Lanipo. It was pretty challenging , up and down, really tiring, and a good time for us. The next day I think we relaxed caught up on sleep and reading the paper and the like. The week following I remember getting sick. I threw up one morning and had flu like symptoms for a day, and then a cold for a week. Took the weekend to try and get a little btter, and get ready for our trip home. Sunday went went down to the KCC race to check it out- got to see some of our old buddies..but didn't stay long. I felt bad, but I wasn' feeling well, then I was also just feeling a little jealous..wishing I didn't give up on paddling when school got busy and I wanted to hang out with John...and well I wanted to get pregnant, so I didn't want to commit to a paddling team just in case :) The next week we relaxed and got ready to go, went out to eat and the movies one night, had to quell some family anxiety and drama regarding our beach house (the pleasure of last minute planning) then the 28th, on our 6 year anniversary (since we started dating) we took off for our 18 day vacation to NJ and NY! The flight there was actually not very bumpy, and was pretty relaxing. Watched a movie, ate a meal, then fell asleep. The first weekend of our trip was awesome. We got in and had a great road trip driving from Newark to Wildwood. Remembering how fun it is to be able to drive :) Once we got there we had a little bit of a problem with the mix of family and friends coming. Some of my friends decided not to come when they found out how much of my family was coming, which made me kind of sad. But luckily I still had a good group show up. So we got to see Tank, Hooker, and Diesel and their signficant others, as well as my parents, and my aunt claire, and Nana. My friends left early though, figuring we would all hang out the next day. That gave us a chance to see my cousins, and their adorable foster kids, then my aunt maren came with anna, and elena brought Tristan. Elena and I made up, and it was really really nice. John's friend Chris drove up from Maryland, and he occupied him while I hung out with family. Anjum came to, and we talked and caught up for a bit. Then Carolyn, Tim, and Liam got there, and it was all about the LIams :) It was a really great first night of just hanging out with everyone. Although, John and I rented the place we ended up sleeping out on the sofa bed with John's friend Chris on the couch next to us. The next day we headed for the beach. We went down with my family and met up with my friends. We had a really fun time getting out in the freezing, May Atlanatic ocean water, trying to body surf. Then hung out in the sun with the girls, while the guys played football. Then we went to get some food on the boardwalk, and heading back to the house to chill and shower up. Sunday night we got dinner at Aunt Karens- another fun night getting all of my family's kids together. After dinner, we met up with my college friends- who had already been out for a few drinks- and went to find a place to go out. We thought we knew of a karaoke place, but it turned out not to have karaoke. So we didn't stay there long. Then we went to a Irish bar down the street, that was playing country music, and Sweet Caroline- which is my friend and I's favorite. There my friends were right at home, but my cousins seemed a little scared by the whole thing. They were good sports for a couple of drinks, while Tim Keith and John bonded over piano man, me and the roomates took a shot of tequila, and Care and I had a much needed talk. Then the cousins left- but I followed, and my roommates followed after that (they are truly awesome people, who can have fun anywhere) We ended up at the first bar, dancing out side- the only onees dancing might I add- and generally having a great time :) AT the end of the night, we said by to everyone :(, lost Anjum and Chris, and had a late night diner stop with all of the cousins :) greasy Jersey diner food..mmmmmm. WE came back to discover my Nana sleeping on the sofa, so John and I ended up on the floor, at our beach house :)
Memorial Day we hung out, went to the zoo with LIanna, Keith and the kids, and enjoyed watching them look at the animals. LAter that evening we said good bye to most everyone, and John and I finally got a room in our beach house :) That night we wanted to see Iron Man 2, btu there were no open theaters, so we just walked up and down the boardwalk until I was too tired for anymore.
So I'll start with June next time...almost caught up, but Ive been sitting here doing this, working on my thesis, and watching 2 episodes of My name is Earl since about 10:00 am, it is pretty bad. My thesis is just difficult, and I'm alittle nervous about how it will all turn out...but I'm going to do my best with it for right now, baby is the most important thing!
mean I'm a really energetic person anyway, and I normall do a lot of different things, so hopefully my body is just handling this better. I also hear it is very normal for symptoms to be very sporadic. So I'm thinking I am just one of those people, who gets waves of nausea or breast pain or whatever, rather than all day type things. We will see I guess. Emotionally it is such a rollercoaster ride. When I wake up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night, I often sit there elated about being a Mom and everything great that will come in the future, when the baby comes, and John gets home. Sometimes I feel so ready to pick out everything for the baby, and put dream about our lives together, and then other times I get really negative and scared. I also get weepy all the time, I have been watching a lot of tv and everytime babies are there- being born, or fits bonding with their parents I get teary eyed- then I get teary eyed about other things too, like watching Clean House and they made $19,000 for charity, and I got teary eyed about that...so strange. So anywho, that is where I am, riding this rollercoaster of feelings and fears, hoping the best and that baby is growing and healthy :)
In other news- John left Tuesday. I wasn't as shaken up as the first time, as explained above, although when he said the buses were coming- it kind of hit in. Those stupid civil rights protest area buses line up - about10 in a row, to shuttle the guys in leaving all of the wives and children standing on the field trying not to cry- trying to hold it all together- so they get one last look at us. Then the buses rev their engines and sit again for another 5 minutes. Fluttering the hearts of all of the bystanders, as the opening lyrics of The Decemberist song 16 by 32 echos in your head, eventually they drive off. And that is it. Single file they drive from Schofield Army Post to Hickam Air Force Base, and they are off - 1 year and you will see them again, in an equally dramatic entrance. Prior to them leaving they had a deployment ceremony on Sills field. With speaches by the Base commander on sacrifice, and war. They packed unit flags and colors to go into a combat zone, and sang the Army song, the 25th Id song, and then oddly enough the Aloha song. Which is the Aloha O'e song that Queen Liloukalani composed, however not as I had orginally thought- upon being dethroned by US Business interests, but upon witnessing the parting of two lovers- I guess it is very appropriate then. Aloha ʻoe, aloha ʻoe , E ke onaona noho i ka lipo, One fond embrace, Ere I depart, Until we meet again.
Now Im hanging out working on my thesis. Not getting too nauseous from the computer, which is good and unnerving..lol. My thesis is very late right now, and I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with its- so its a little stressful. Also John's sister is moving in in 2 weeks, and that is a little unnerving as well. I know I will let her know when she is bothering me, and all that, but everyone is going crazy about her coming because they think I won't stand up for myself. But I will stand up for myself. As I mentioned in a previous post she isn't a bad person- just oblivious to her surroundings, and a little selfish. I just don't think she understands empathy or has the ability to understand things for another point of view. So it seems atleast. We will see though, I want to give her this chance, but I already let her know I expect ther to take care of herself, and be very conscientous of me (and vice versa) that we are not roommnates,but she is staying in our home. Cuz she is is, and I think that is an important distinction that could put her in the right mindset for this. Her sister is driving me a little crazy with worry about her coming, and trying to convince her not to come, but she just doesn't know me well enough to know I will stand up for myself. Rachel doesn't understand that living in Hawaii isn't this amazing thing - life in paradise- as her vacation was. And either she is going to rise to the challenges, or she is going to go home. Its up to her, I'm not messing anyting up for her, or make assumptions about how she will do living here, I'm just putting my foot down that I will not be taking care of her.
So yea that is that...catching up is going to be tough, but I will do the best I can....
So that night John got sick back in April was so horrible. I was so worried about him, his friend was a total jerk and just wanted to hit on Rachel's friend. I shouldn't have let his friend drive home really, but I had my hands full. John threw up on the car on the way home, then I had to fight with him to get out of the car once we got home. Luckily though, I got him to take his disgusting pukey clothes off and go to bed, and I felt much better. When Rachel and John's friends finally stopped by, I was so angry I could barely look them in the eye, then Turner started peeing on the house outside, which definitely did not help...He has many strikes with me. (although I forgive drunk hijinks pretty easy) John woke up the next morning and was fine, which made me feel a lot better.
The next day Rachel took her friend to the airport. Then we hung out a lot of the day till the evening, then took Rachel to the little turtle beach in Makaha to watch the sunset. We mostly hung out, there were no turtles.
ooo..update..I think I want pepperoni pizza tonight...
Anywho..that Sunday we took Rachel to Koolina for snorkeling and a luau at Paradise Cove. It was a really enjoyable last day with Rachel- we saw spinner dolphins, a ton of fish and sea turtles outside of the Kihei power plant, where reef grows on the water release pipes, and had a great time. Then we relaxed on the beach for an hour before changing and heading over tot he paradise cove luau for hula dancing (rachel and I went on stage to give it a try) good food, and playing with koi balls and spears. Oh and yummy lava flow drinks.
The next day I had to go to work, and Rachel had to get ready to leave. AFter work I spent all evening on my thesis, and due to the catch up wasn't able to take Rachel tothe airport, but I think she understood. During the week John and I took the chance to relax and catch up with each other and school work. Whenever company comes I end up missing him, because I feel like we really don't spend too much time together. I'm pretty sure we went out to eat, saw a few movies, went on a few runs, and the like. That following weekend, we went to the Kokua fest on April 24. It was a blast, we hung out on the lawn at the Waikiki shell and got to see Jack Johnson and Ziggy marley :) We stayed downtown that night, but didn't go out and do anything too special...we were pretty tired. The next day we met up with the Sierra Club downtown for some hiking and nature guiding on the Bowman trail. It was a 3-5 mile roundtrip, and we were at a pretty relaxed pace, so it was nice. Learned a lot about trees in the area and got some nice views. That next week was the end of school pretty much. I spent most of the week working on my project for ARC GIS, and doing thesis edits. Everything was coming due soon. We finisehd our project for one class, and didn't do to well on it. That Thursday I thought I had some really good news-- John was really excited, but alas they were false hopes, and it only lasted 5 days. That Saturday we ran in the PIneapple Run up in Wahiawa. Then we went home to do homework and hangout, and Turner came over later- to not apologize for peeing on the house, but him and John hung out late. Sunday we went out to eat at Zippys, then I spent most of the day doing my ARC GIS project and getting the presentation together. Monday the presenation went really well. I was really excited that it came out, and it actually made sense. The 4th and the 5th were not good days, I stayed home from work, and was very sad. I started to feel better as things went on. Hoping to be more positve. That next weekend- we had my friend Paula over on Friday to help her with her GIS project. We ended up making dinner- then driving herh ome, and stopping at First Friday downtown- just for a little. Then Im pretty sure we were really chill that weekend- did chores, homework, relaxed. Saturday the 8th was Leify's birthday- so it was a tough morning of thinking about our little man and how much I still miss him:)
The next weekend was way better. We did masages on Friday night, followed by dinner out. Then Saturday we went hiking in Palolo on a trail called Pu'u Lanipo. It was pretty challenging , up and down, really tiring, and a good time for us. The next day I think we relaxed caught up on sleep and reading the paper and the like. The week following I remember getting sick. I threw up one morning and had flu like symptoms for a day, and then a cold for a week. Took the weekend to try and get a little btter, and get ready for our trip home. Sunday went went down to the KCC race to check it out- got to see some of our old buddies..but didn't stay long. I felt bad, but I wasn' feeling well, then I was also just feeling a little jealous..wishing I didn't give up on paddling when school got busy and I wanted to hang out with John...and well I wanted to get pregnant, so I didn't want to commit to a paddling team just in case :) The next week we relaxed and got ready to go, went out to eat and the movies one night, had to quell some family anxiety and drama regarding our beach house (the pleasure of last minute planning) then the 28th, on our 6 year anniversary (since we started dating) we took off for our 18 day vacation to NJ and NY! The flight there was actually not very bumpy, and was pretty relaxing. Watched a movie, ate a meal, then fell asleep. The first weekend of our trip was awesome. We got in and had a great road trip driving from Newark to Wildwood. Remembering how fun it is to be able to drive :) Once we got there we had a little bit of a problem with the mix of family and friends coming. Some of my friends decided not to come when they found out how much of my family was coming, which made me kind of sad. But luckily I still had a good group show up. So we got to see Tank, Hooker, and Diesel and their signficant others, as well as my parents, and my aunt claire, and Nana. My friends left early though, figuring we would all hang out the next day. That gave us a chance to see my cousins, and their adorable foster kids, then my aunt maren came with anna, and elena brought Tristan. Elena and I made up, and it was really really nice. John's friend Chris drove up from Maryland, and he occupied him while I hung out with family. Anjum came to, and we talked and caught up for a bit. Then Carolyn, Tim, and Liam got there, and it was all about the LIams :) It was a really great first night of just hanging out with everyone. Although, John and I rented the place we ended up sleeping out on the sofa bed with John's friend Chris on the couch next to us. The next day we headed for the beach. We went down with my family and met up with my friends. We had a really fun time getting out in the freezing, May Atlanatic ocean water, trying to body surf. Then hung out in the sun with the girls, while the guys played football. Then we went to get some food on the boardwalk, and heading back to the house to chill and shower up. Sunday night we got dinner at Aunt Karens- another fun night getting all of my family's kids together. After dinner, we met up with my college friends- who had already been out for a few drinks- and went to find a place to go out. We thought we knew of a karaoke place, but it turned out not to have karaoke. So we didn't stay there long. Then we went to a Irish bar down the street, that was playing country music, and Sweet Caroline- which is my friend and I's favorite. There my friends were right at home, but my cousins seemed a little scared by the whole thing. They were good sports for a couple of drinks, while Tim Keith and John bonded over piano man, me and the roomates took a shot of tequila, and Care and I had a much needed talk. Then the cousins left- but I followed, and my roommates followed after that (they are truly awesome people, who can have fun anywhere) We ended up at the first bar, dancing out side- the only onees dancing might I add- and generally having a great time :) AT the end of the night, we said by to everyone :(, lost Anjum and Chris, and had a late night diner stop with all of the cousins :) greasy Jersey diner food..mmmmmm. WE came back to discover my Nana sleeping on the sofa, so John and I ended up on the floor, at our beach house :)
Memorial Day we hung out, went to the zoo with LIanna, Keith and the kids, and enjoyed watching them look at the animals. LAter that evening we said good bye to most everyone, and John and I finally got a room in our beach house :) That night we wanted to see Iron Man 2, btu there were no open theaters, so we just walked up and down the boardwalk until I was too tired for anymore.
So I'll start with June next time...almost caught up, but Ive been sitting here doing this, working on my thesis, and watching 2 episodes of My name is Earl since about 10:00 am, it is pretty bad. My thesis is just difficult, and I'm alittle nervous about how it will all turn out...but I'm going to do my best with it for right now, baby is the most important thing!