Owen Gets Smurfed
Title: Owen gets Smurfed
Author: crazycatt71'
Rating: PG
Word Count:3341
Fandom: Torchwood/The Smurfs
Summary: Owen meets some little blue creatures
Author's notes: This is a fluffly, cracky piece that ran around in my head, screaming to be let out after I saw an ad for the Smurf movie. I think my muse was having 80's flash backs. Enjoy.
Owen came out the door of his building, tripped over a large, gray cat , and fell on his ass.
"Damn cat!" Owen growled as he climbed to his feet.
He was looking around for his keys when he thought he heard a cry for help. There wasn't anyone one the street besides him so he shrugged and continued his search for his keys, which had somehow disappeared.
"OH, Help!" came a desperate cry, "Somebody please Help!"
Owen still didn't see anyone, so he moved down the street to the mouth of an alley. The cries got louder. Owen slowly made his way down the alley. The cat he had tripped over shot past him, out on to the street, something blue in his mouth.
"Stop that cat." some unseen person cried.
"Who's there?" Owen demanded.
"Please, stop that cat, he has our friend." the voice said.
Aliens, just great, Owen thought as he chased after the cat. He finally cornered it and grabbed it by the scruff of the neck. It growled and hissed as he pried a little blue lump out of it's mouth. He dropped the cat and studies the lump. It was about six inches long, wearing white pants and a white pointed hat. As he watched, it coughed and opened it's eyes, then yelled. Owen almost dropped it, but managed to keep his hand closed.
"Hey, not so tight," the thing said, " are you trying to smash me."
"Sorry." Owen said, loosing his grip.
"Oh, Handy, are you ok?" a voice asked.
Owen looked down at the ground, discovering five more of the little blue things, three dressed like the one in his hand, one in red, and one in a white dress and hat.
"Oh, mister, thank you for saving ,Handy." the one in the dress said, climbing up on Owen's foot to hug his ankle.
"Uh, yah, sure, no problem." Owen stammered.
"You can put me down now." the thing in his hand said.
"Uh, not until somebody tells me what's going on. " Owen said, "Who or what are you?"
"We're Smurfs." the one in red said proudly, "I'm Poppa Smurf, this is Smurfette," he pointed to the one in the dress, "Brainy Smurf," Owen saw he was wearing glasses,
"Clumsy Smurf," he waved at Owen and tripped over his feet, sprawling on the ground.
"Grouchy Smurf," he just glared at Owen.
"and Handy Smurf." he was the one in Owen's hand.
Smurfs, of course they were. Owen took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He knew he'd drank a lot last night and was pretty sure he was still asleep, having some alcohol induced dream. He counted to ten and opened his eyes, they were still there. He closed his eyes again and counted to fifty, then a hundred, they were still there. Ok, Smurfs were real, he was having a bad 1980's flash back, or he had finally cracked from the pressure of working at Torchwood, Owen wasn't quite sure which he preferred, but he decided to go with Smurfs were real for now. He set Handy down beside the others and looked down at them.
"I'm Owen Harper." he said, "Where did you come from?"
That set them off and they all began to babble at once.
"Whoa, easy, one at a time." he said, as their shrill voices made his head hurt.
"Quiet, my little Smurfs, let me tell it." Poppa Smurf said.
They settled down. Poppa Smurf looked up at Owen. Owen felt a little strange trying to talk to someone so far down, so he knelt and held out his hand. Poppa Smurf climbed on to his hand, Owen lifted him up so they were face to face, so to speak.
"I don't know what happen, one moment we were in our village and the next there was a horrible noise, we were sucked up, and found ourselves here. " he said, looking around, "Where is here exactly?"
"Cardiff, Wales." Owen mumbled, "Sounds like you got caught in the Rift."
"What's a Rift?" Poppa Smurf asked.
"It's a tear across space and time," Owen said, " sometimes it opens and sucks things through to another time or place, or dimension."
"Sounds bad." Poppa Smurf said.
"It is." Owen agreed.
"Can we go back?" the Smurf asked.
"I don't know." Owen told him.
Smurfette started to cry.
"I want to go home." she wailed.
The others tried to comfort her, but that just seemed to make her cry harder. Owen couldn't stand to hear her.
"If I take you in to work, we might be able to find you a way home." he said.
Smurfette stopped crying and looked up at him.
"That would be just Smurfy." she cooed, hugging Owen's ankle again.
Owen heard footsteps outside the alley. He quickly scooped the Smurfs up and dropped them in his jacket pockets. He headed back to his car.
"Damn." he cursed. He still didn't have his keys. He finally found them and climbed into the drivers seat. The Smurfs scrambled out of his pockets as he started the engine.
"What is this, some magical machine?" Handy asked, as he pulled away from the curb.
"No, it's just a car." Owen said, " You don't have cars?"
Handy shook his head.
"It's Smurfy." he said, his voice filled with wonder.
Despite having the distraction of six little blue creatures scurrying all over his car, babbling with excitement, Owen managed to get to the Hub with out having an accident. He hurried into the Hub, alarms clanging as he came through the cog door. Owen marched into Jack's office.
"Good morning, Owen." Jack greeted him.
Owen just huffed and started lifting Smurfs out of his pockets and setting them on Jack's desk. Jack looked at the Smurfs, then looked at Owen. Ianto came in with the morning coffee. He handed Owen his, then sat Jack's down on the desk.
"Those are Smurfs." he said, as though it was perfectly natural to see six inch, blue creatures every day, then it wasn't the weirdest thing any of them had ever seen.
"Poppa, Smurfette, Handy, Brainy, Grouchy, & Clumsy Smurf, " Owen introduced, " meet Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones."
Just then, Gwen and Tosh came in, so Owen had to make the introductions again. The girls cooed and fussed while Owen and Poppa Smurf explained what had happened.
"Can you help us get home?" Smurfette asked Jack, giving him her best wide eyes.
"We're gonn'a try, Honey." Jack told her. "Tosh, what can we do?"
Tosh grinned and set her lap top on Jack's desk. The Smurfs gathered around it, fascinated.
"That's what I came in to tell you," she said, " there was some weird spikes in the Rift activity this morning."
"Weird how?" Jack asked.
Tosh tapped on her keyboard, then turned the screen so Jack could see it.
"The spikes were all right here," she pointed, " and they seem to be in a circular pattern."
Owen quickly lost interest as Jack, Tosh and Ianto discussed what had happen and how they could fix it. He decided to go to his med-bay and see if he could get some work done. He heard some giggling coming from his jacket when he went to hang it up. He reached in his pocket and pulled Clumsy and Handy out of one pocket and Brainy and Grouchy out of the other.
"You guys didn't understand what they were talking about either?" he said, as he set them on his desk.
"Not a word." Handy said.
"I hate not understanding." Grouchy groused.
"I never understand, so it's ok." Clumsy said.
Owen caught him as he tumbled off the edge of the desk.
"Well, I understood just fine," Brainy said, "I just came along to keep you Smurfs out of trouble."
Owen grinned as Handy shoved Brainy over.
"I'm telling Poppa Smurf." Brainy whined.
"I'm telling Poppa Smurf." Handy mimicked.
"I hate telling." Grouchy grumbled.
Owen sat in his chair, watching them chase each other around his desk, occasionally catching Clumsy when he got too close to the edge. When they tired of that game, they started firing questions at Owen about everything they saw. Owen answered as fast as he could, but there were four of them. He was starting to understand the haggard looks he saw on the faces of parents of small children when Gwen came into the med-bay with Poppa Smurf and Smurfette on her shoulder.
"That's enough, my little Smurfs, " Poppa Smurf said, " give Owen a break."
They settled in a circle around Poppa Smurf, he seemed to be giving them a lesson of some sort. Owen took the opportunity to get some work done.
"Owen, could you bring our guest up here please." Jack called down several hours later.
Owen settled the Smurfs on his shoulders and carried them up to the main part of the Hub. There was a loud screech as he headed toward Tosh's desk and a large shadow fell over him.
"Oh, Shit!" he yelled, grabbing Smurfs as Myfranwy swooped down on him. He managed to get four of them off his shoulders before she struck, snatching Handy and Brainy.
"Poppa Smurf!" Brainy cried, "Help!"
Owen handed Gwen the rest of the Smurfs and tore off after the Pterodactyl. He flew up the ladder to her erie, fearing the worst. Myfranwy had dropped the two terrified Smurfs and pinned them under her hind feet. She hissed at Owen. Owen jumped back when she lunged at him.
"Give me back those Smurfs." he growled at her.
Now I know I've gone mental, he thought to himself, I'm fighting over Smurfs with a Pterodactyl.
Myfranwy took a step closer to Owen, lifting her feet. Handy grabbed Brainy's arm and ran toward Owen. Owen snatched them up and ran, slamming the door shut just before the Pterodactyl could slice his back open with her razor sharp beak. He carried the Smurfs down to the main part of the hub and set them down with the others, who crowded around them. He sat down with a sigh, vowing to never have kids. Smurfette came over to the edge of the desk, Owen
held his hand out and she stepped on to it. He brought her close to his face.
"Thank you for saving Handy and Brainy, Owen." she said, kissing his cheek, "I think you're Smurfy."
"You're welcome." he said, setting her back down.
"You're Smurfy." Ianto teased, as he handed out coffee, including little doll sized cups to the Smurfs.
Owen glared at him, wondering where Ianto had gotten the tiny tea set.
"It was intended to be a gift for my niece." Ianto said.
Owen hated it when Ianto did that, he knew he couldn't read his mind, but it still creeped him out.
"Watch it, Tea Boy, I have access to all sorts of substances that could make you miserable." he threatened.
"And I have access to the decaf." Ianto told him.
Owen crossed his arms and glared at him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Grouchy do the same and felt a strong fondness for the little guy.
"Ok, now that the excitement is over, everybody settle down." Jack said, "We think we have a way to get the Smurfs home."
There was lots of cheering from Smurfs.
"The problem is it's going to be a few days before we can make it happen." Jack continued, " So, Owen, it looks like you're going to have guests for a few days.
"What? Why me?" Owen demanded.
"Tosh, Ianto, and I will be working on getting them home and Gwen has Rhys." Jack told him.
"Why can't they stay here?" Owen asked.
"It's not exactly the most hospitable place, nor is it set up for guests." Ianto said.
"Neither is my flat." Owen argued.
"It's still better than the Hub." Ianto told him.
Owen threw his hands up in surrender. He loaded the Smurfs into a small cadboard box, took a bag with the doll tea set from Ianto, and headed to his car. He carried the box into his flat and set it on the table, lifting the lid so the Smurfs could get out. the fridge,
"What do you guys eat?" he asked, sticking his head in the fridge, the contents were few, mostly beer and condiments, the cabinets didn't contain much either.
"Smurfberries." Poppa Smurf said.
"Ah, sorry don't have any of those, " Owen said, pulling out his phone, " how about pizza?'
Six blank faces looked at him.
"You've never had pizza?"
Six little heads shook no.
"Oh, you're in for a treat." Owen said.
He ordered a pizza, then called Ianto and asked him to bring over a few things. Owen paid the delivery boy and set the pizza on the counter. He cut a slice into pieces the Smurfs could manage, then took a bite of another.
"Pizza is Smurfy." Handy declared after his first bite.
The others heartily agreed. Owen got a beer out of the fridge, spotting a bottle of cola as he did. He poured some in a glass, then dipped the doll tea cups in it to fill them.
"Here, try this." he said, passing out the cups.
After several cups of the soda, a burping contest began between Handy, Clumsy, and Grouchy. Owen answered the door, letting Ianto in as Grouchy let out a winning belch.
"You've given them pizza and beer?" Ianto demanded, looking at the Smurfs sitting on the edge of the open pizza box, next to Owen's beer.
"No, I've given them pizza and soda, ' Owen told him, " I am not an idiot."
Ianto gave Owen a look that said he wasn't too sure about that, but didn't say anything, he just handed Owen the bag of things he had requested.
"Oatmeal and juice I understand," he said, " but why nature films?"
"I figured it would keep them entertained," Owen said, " but wouldn't scare or confuse them."
Ianto nodded with approval.
"You seem to have things under control, so I'll get back to the Hub." he said.
"How's it going?" Owen asked.
"Tosh seems to think she'll have everything ready by tomorrow afternoon." Ianto told him
"Good, that's good." Owen said.
Ianto said good by to the Smurfs and left. Owen settled his little guests on the coffee table in front of the couch and started a dvd about animal babies. He let his mind wander while the Smurfs were enthralled by the giant images on the t.v. screen. He snapped alert when Brainy's shrill voice broke thought the fog his mind has settled into.
"Poppa Smurf, Handy, Grouchy, and Clumsy have wandered off."
Owen groaned and started looking for them. After a half hour of desperately searching, with all kinds of horrible thoughts of what might of happened to them, Owen found them under his bed, staring at the pictures in one of his skin magazines, mouths open, eyes glazed over.
"Whoa, information over load." he said, scooping them up, "How about we keep this between just us."
He carried them back into the living room.
"Ok, I think it's bed time." he announce.
"I agree." Poppa Smurf said.
Owen filled two soup bowls with warm water, setting one behind the toaster so Smurfette could have some privacy, and let them splash around for awhile, before drying off on some handkerchiefs he had found in the back of a drawer.
He placed a folded bath towel on his night stand for them to sleep on, covering them with a tea towel.
"Good night, Owen." six little voices called.
"Good night." he replied, shutting off the light and climbing into bed.
He couldn't believe how he felt, it was only 8:30 and he was completely knackered. He fell asleep trying to remember the last time he'd gone to bed so early.
Owen woke the next morning to bright sunlight streaming in the window and six little smiling faces staring at him from their positions on the bed.
"Good morning, Owen." the Smurfs chirped.
"Morning." he croaked, rubbing his eyes.
"Are you ok, Owen?" Smurfette asked.
"Uh, Yeah, as far as I know, why?" he replied.
"Because you were making this horrible noise most of the night." she said.
"Like this." Clumsy said.
He demonstrated, by cocking his head to one side, opening his mouth, and making snoring noises. He then tripped over his feet and fell off the bed. Owen reached out and caught him, setting him on the bed.
"So, you're saying I snore?" he said, as he got out of bed.
Smurfette squeaked and covered her eyes. Owen looked down at himself, he had slept in his boxers and a tee shirt.
At least I didn't sleep in the nude like I normally do he thought as he grabbed some clothes and went in the bathroom. After getting dressed, he fed the Smurfs breakfast, then loaded them into their box and headed to the Hub. Ianto had made sure to lock Myfranwy in her erie so Owen set the box on Jack's desk and let the Smurfs out. Jack filled them on the effort to get the Smurfs home, then Owen went to his med-bay, leaving the Smurfs to explore Jack's desk. He looked up from his computer screen when he heard a soft thump, to see Handy stand up on his desk and untangling himself from a parachute made of tissue and string.
"Look out below." Clumsy yelled as he jumped off the catwalk, his parachute opening so he gently glided toward the desk. "Uhoh!"
Owen fished him out of the trash can where he landed when he over shot the desk.
"I hate this." Grouchy yelled as he jumped.
He landed on the desk in a tangled heap, grumbling while Handy freed him.
"You guys are quite mad." Owen said with a laugh.
The three of them scrambled around his desk in a game of chase, while Owen gave up trying to work and sat back, watching.
"Owen, we seem to be missing a few Smurfs." Ianto called down from the catwalk.
"All present and accounted for." Owen called back.
"Good." Ianto said, "Would you please bring them up, Tosh thinks she's figured out how to get them home."
Owen scooped the Smurfs up and headed for the main part of the Hub. His eyes glazed over as Tosh tried to explain what was going to happen.
"You think it will open a portal to their world?" Owen finally interrupted.
"Yes." Tosh replied, a bit miffed at being interrupted.
"Then lets do it." Owen said.
The Smurfs all cheered in agreement. Equipment and Smurfs were gathered and they headed to street outside Owen's flat. Owen held the box with Smurfs while Tosh took some readings and fiddled with her equipment. Suddenly, there was the roar of wind and a small opening appeared in front of Tosh.
"Look, I can see our village." Handy cried.
Owen knelt and set the box on the ground and the Smurfs scrambled out.
"Good bye, Owen." Handy said, shaking Owen's finger.
"Bye" Clumsy said, sprawling on the ground.
Owen set him on his feet and Handy pulled him through the opening. Poppa Smurf, Smurfette, and Brainy all said good bye, Smurfette, kissing his cheek, then they stepped through.
"I hate good bye." Grouchy said.
"Me too." Owen told him.
Grouchy gave his finger a quick shake and ran through the portal. There wind got louder, then fell silent as the portal closed. Owen stood up and swiped at his eyes.
"You ok, Owen?" Jack asked.
"Just got some grit in my eyes.' Owen grumbled.
Jack wisely decided to not comment. If his medic wanted to pretend he hadn't been affected by the Smurfs leaving, he wasn't going to argue, but he knew the little creatures had touched the heart Owen tried so hard to act like he didn't have.