Is This Happy?

Jul 28, 2006 23:00

I am ready now... Ready for life to start again... While life never really stopped, or was paused for any amount of time, I was in a place that was not moving. This Summer has been different. I don't think I have had a Summer much like it before. I realized some things in the last few days, I knew these things before, but I couldn't bring myself to change them.
When you think a certain way, no matter what anyone tells you is right or wrong, you won't change until you are ready. If you hate yourself, you won't stop until you believe you are worthy; if you dislike something or someone, you will continue until you accept otherwise, no matter what opposing views are placed in front of you. We all work the same way. The way we feel drives us through life. If you feel shitty, it shows, for the most part anyway. If you feel confidant and loving, it shows. You cannot go out and be who you are meant to be, until you are ready. Life will pass you by, but this does not matter. A mind must be changed before change can take effect.
From the end of May, until yesterday, I hated myself. I hated myself, and I hated a select few who had wronged me or my family. I saw things in a very black and white manner and couldn't bring myself to change my thinking. I have done nothing epic this Summer... Nothing worthy of praise. I needed a break from life, and I got that. I wanted to make money, I didn't get that. I did however get to the lowest place I have been in quite some time. I have never hated myself so much as I did this summer, and I hope to never hate myself again. I felt ugly and unworthy, and I am none of the stated.
Change comes in such weird and unexpected ways. I didn't expect a change so soon. I was ready to go back to school, hating people, with no passion for life, no vision for anything artistic, and just live. I am glad I talked to Jon. I am glad that a few seemingly insignificant words changed my whole perspective on my life.
I am not cured from being who I am. I am not perfect and I never will be. I will however continue to try and be a better person. Try and love more, try and create the art that I see in my head, try and write the words that are so poetic inside of me...They never seem to come out right... I don't want to go back to being in the dark. I don't like me with lack of ambition and talent. I don't like me hating the world. Life isn't all great. There is more bad than good, but I hope to be able to stay here long enough to see the good. I don't want to feel dead to the world, I don't want to exclude myself from all that is real. I cannot change who I am. I can make small improvements, but I will forever be me. And I am ok with that.
...I still wish I could sleep at night...
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