(no subject)
i googled "fml," and found a dictionary site that had one of the the definitions as "forget my life (polite)." whatever. fuck my life.
i'm going to tell myself that today is one of those maligned days for my star sign in the solar system because half the time i half believe that shit, but above all, i'm a realist that's having a shitty day. i can try to be an optimist or an idealist or whatever, but when i do that i end up even lower than i started. i want to just punch a wall or kick a door and then cry it out to my cry it out music selection, but the walls and doors here don't quite give like the ones at home, and my music hasn't seemed to have the same effects on me as it used to.
i have a spanish paper due tomorrow that i've only done the research for; i just simply do not have the motivation to actually do it because i hate the class and the teacher. i have to give a presentation about the paper tomorrow, and i've started putting that together, at least. i'll turn the paper in friday if i have to. i don't really care.
i have a lab quiz tomorrow that i just remembered i have. fuck. i hate school. i'm ready for next semester. i want to skip winter break and be here where i have somewhat of a social life, where sometimes things surprise me, and where i'm not pissed off all the time. granted, i'm pissed off now, but that's just at life in general and it doesn't happen too often. it's even a bigger deal that i'm writing about it.
i called my mom today because i missed her call. she was like, "what's wrong with you?" and i told her that people and life in general annoy me, and not her personally, just to clarify and avoid an argument. As soon as i said it, she goes,"who's annoying you?" and seriously, that was the single most irritating thing she could have said in that moment. ugh. conversation ended.
every fucking paragraph to this point starts with "i." ugh. disgusting.
we talked last night. he brought it up. good for him. i was thinking monday of how to least-awkwardly bring up our relationship, whatever kind of relationship that may be. i don't know if my bullshit detector is broken or if he's actually not bullshitting me. i can't tell. i bullshit myself all the time, but i think i was pretty honest last night. that, ideally, if this were a year ago or if there was some kind of extension of time, i'd let myself go for him. but also, realistically, i take away from whatever this is what i feel like i need right now, up to and including my need to be a compassionate individual to someone specific, to have someone i actually want to be nice to most of the time, to have a guy friend, to have a place to go to outside of the halls, to have someone to pal around with, to have someone to play with, and to have someone to wake up to.
Put all of those things together with another person, and maybe that makes a romantic relationship will all the right amounts and with the right people. i, on the other hand, take it as i need it. am i using him? no, i wouldn't say so, at least not in the traditional sense of using a person. i'm not just going to wipe my hands and throw it away when i'm done. but i find what i need or want until i'm content.
that doesn't seem heartless to me, but it kind of reads that way. i could have feelings for him. i mean, i DO to some extent, but nothing so much that will end me up with a broken heart or anything more than being perturbed. idealism aside, i understand what expectations there are and aren't. at least for me.
this isn't incredibly healthy for me, i know this. i don't know what would be, though. this seems to best suit the way i've been and the way i am. as much as i may want to actually just BE with someone, i know i can't. it's too soon. two year relationship, six months of complete bullshit, an incredibly lonely summer. i'm both a better and worse person because of it. i've never really been a jealous person, but then i was cheated on. I got over the first and second times, seeing as they happened over the same time period and he was honest and remorseful and i honestly still just wanted to be with him regardless, but when i actually figured out that i had been cheated on that third time, my world fell apart and my walls built up. and i mean, i actually put pieces together, dates and lies, and ryan was right next to me when i figured it out. i felt so incredibly betrayed, and not necessarily because of the other girl, but because he had lied to me. and we had already been broken up when i figured it out. i started crying because i didn't know who to trust if i couldn't trust him. i trusted him with just about everything for two years.
so now i'm just lost.
i want to just move on with my life. i know that no one has all the answers, but a lot of people have plans, and if feel like i don't even have that. my time with ryan wasn't necessarily a waste; in the end, i think i'm a better person for it. but still, i have one semester left of school and then who knows what. i want to stay in school, but that leaves me at another temporary position in life. i want to know what my permanences are going to be. i want to flash forward 10 years and know that i don't suck at life. i want to know that i've become something that i want to be. i want to happy, and i'm scared that i'm not going to be.
and i feel like i'm going to cry, but with no one to cry into.
that's enough for now.
i'm going to tell myself that today is one of those maligned days for my star sign in the solar system because half the time i half believe that shit, but above all, i'm a realist that's having a shitty day. i can try to be an optimist or an idealist or whatever, but when i do that i end up even lower than i started. i want to just punch a wall or kick a door and then cry it out to my cry it out music selection, but the walls and doors here don't quite give like the ones at home, and my music hasn't seemed to have the same effects on me as it used to.
i have a spanish paper due tomorrow that i've only done the research for; i just simply do not have the motivation to actually do it because i hate the class and the teacher. i have to give a presentation about the paper tomorrow, and i've started putting that together, at least. i'll turn the paper in friday if i have to. i don't really care.
i have a lab quiz tomorrow that i just remembered i have. fuck. i hate school. i'm ready for next semester. i want to skip winter break and be here where i have somewhat of a social life, where sometimes things surprise me, and where i'm not pissed off all the time. granted, i'm pissed off now, but that's just at life in general and it doesn't happen too often. it's even a bigger deal that i'm writing about it.
i called my mom today because i missed her call. she was like, "what's wrong with you?" and i told her that people and life in general annoy me, and not her personally, just to clarify and avoid an argument. As soon as i said it, she goes,"who's annoying you?" and seriously, that was the single most irritating thing she could have said in that moment. ugh. conversation ended.
every fucking paragraph to this point starts with "i." ugh. disgusting.
we talked last night. he brought it up. good for him. i was thinking monday of how to least-awkwardly bring up our relationship, whatever kind of relationship that may be. i don't know if my bullshit detector is broken or if he's actually not bullshitting me. i can't tell. i bullshit myself all the time, but i think i was pretty honest last night. that, ideally, if this were a year ago or if there was some kind of extension of time, i'd let myself go for him. but also, realistically, i take away from whatever this is what i feel like i need right now, up to and including my need to be a compassionate individual to someone specific, to have someone i actually want to be nice to most of the time, to have a guy friend, to have a place to go to outside of the halls, to have someone to pal around with, to have someone to play with, and to have someone to wake up to.
Put all of those things together with another person, and maybe that makes a romantic relationship will all the right amounts and with the right people. i, on the other hand, take it as i need it. am i using him? no, i wouldn't say so, at least not in the traditional sense of using a person. i'm not just going to wipe my hands and throw it away when i'm done. but i find what i need or want until i'm content.
that doesn't seem heartless to me, but it kind of reads that way. i could have feelings for him. i mean, i DO to some extent, but nothing so much that will end me up with a broken heart or anything more than being perturbed. idealism aside, i understand what expectations there are and aren't. at least for me.
this isn't incredibly healthy for me, i know this. i don't know what would be, though. this seems to best suit the way i've been and the way i am. as much as i may want to actually just BE with someone, i know i can't. it's too soon. two year relationship, six months of complete bullshit, an incredibly lonely summer. i'm both a better and worse person because of it. i've never really been a jealous person, but then i was cheated on. I got over the first and second times, seeing as they happened over the same time period and he was honest and remorseful and i honestly still just wanted to be with him regardless, but when i actually figured out that i had been cheated on that third time, my world fell apart and my walls built up. and i mean, i actually put pieces together, dates and lies, and ryan was right next to me when i figured it out. i felt so incredibly betrayed, and not necessarily because of the other girl, but because he had lied to me. and we had already been broken up when i figured it out. i started crying because i didn't know who to trust if i couldn't trust him. i trusted him with just about everything for two years.
so now i'm just lost.
i want to just move on with my life. i know that no one has all the answers, but a lot of people have plans, and if feel like i don't even have that. my time with ryan wasn't necessarily a waste; in the end, i think i'm a better person for it. but still, i have one semester left of school and then who knows what. i want to stay in school, but that leaves me at another temporary position in life. i want to know what my permanences are going to be. i want to flash forward 10 years and know that i don't suck at life. i want to know that i've become something that i want to be. i want to happy, and i'm scared that i'm not going to be.
and i feel like i'm going to cry, but with no one to cry into.
that's enough for now.