slide your foot off the gas
Last night I had the second wedding dream I've had in a week. I don't know who I married the first time, but this time, I'm pretty sure I was making preparations to marry Kevin Foertsch. Of all people. And I had another dream last night were I was having sex with Ryan in a mall of all places. Why are my exes infiltrating my dreams? They really are some of the last things on my mind, and I'm not digging this. My wedding dress is always untraditional.
Were you one of those people who were so sure of themselves when they were young? Do you at least know what it feels like to be so entirely confident in yourself that you just live life by the seat of your pants? I don't know that I want to do that anymore. I don't have the kind of confidence in my future that I used to. I was an idealist with dreams that could come true, that weren't difficult to pursue, but life just doesn't seem to follow the course my adolescent self once thought it should follow.
I'm honestly 100% satisfied with my decision to postpone my graduation from December to May. Then what? I could graduate and teach or find some mediocre job with the single requirement of a college education. I still think that I'm too young to teach; I'm not comfortable with the proximity in age of my potential students and me. And I mean, I could honestly settle for being bored in a department store if the rest of my life weren't equally uneventful.
I love where I am now, but I'm ready to grow the fuck up.
I feel like a goldfish in a dorm room.
I like it here, and I'm probably going to spend a couple of more years here. I just, I don't know. When I was unlocking all of the old entries in this journal, I found a lot of angry entries. There were ridiculously manic ones, too. Mixed in, though, were a few poems, and better yet, a few hopes for my future. Little written snapshots of what should happen. They all had something to do with being married and having children. And no, right now, I don't want to get married or pregnant right now, but getting my life into motion in my early twenties sounds like a great little jump start for doing those things later on. Saving the money, coming into myself, finding someone I absolutely love, finding something I absolutely love to do...
all in due time.
climb up over the top
survey the state of the soul
you've got to find out for yourself
whether or not you're truly trying
why not give it a shot
shake it, take control
and inevitably wind up
finding for yourself all the strengths
that you have inside of you
Were you one of those people who were so sure of themselves when they were young? Do you at least know what it feels like to be so entirely confident in yourself that you just live life by the seat of your pants? I don't know that I want to do that anymore. I don't have the kind of confidence in my future that I used to. I was an idealist with dreams that could come true, that weren't difficult to pursue, but life just doesn't seem to follow the course my adolescent self once thought it should follow.
I'm honestly 100% satisfied with my decision to postpone my graduation from December to May. Then what? I could graduate and teach or find some mediocre job with the single requirement of a college education. I still think that I'm too young to teach; I'm not comfortable with the proximity in age of my potential students and me. And I mean, I could honestly settle for being bored in a department store if the rest of my life weren't equally uneventful.
I love where I am now, but I'm ready to grow the fuck up.
I feel like a goldfish in a dorm room.
I like it here, and I'm probably going to spend a couple of more years here. I just, I don't know. When I was unlocking all of the old entries in this journal, I found a lot of angry entries. There were ridiculously manic ones, too. Mixed in, though, were a few poems, and better yet, a few hopes for my future. Little written snapshots of what should happen. They all had something to do with being married and having children. And no, right now, I don't want to get married or pregnant right now, but getting my life into motion in my early twenties sounds like a great little jump start for doing those things later on. Saving the money, coming into myself, finding someone I absolutely love, finding something I absolutely love to do...
all in due time.
climb up over the top
survey the state of the soul
you've got to find out for yourself
whether or not you're truly trying
why not give it a shot
shake it, take control
and inevitably wind up
finding for yourself all the strengths
that you have inside of you