(no subject)

[crazybeautiful]

so, i've decided to resurrect my livejournal. it's been forever. i seem to do this every few years when i really feel like i need it again. i will speak elusively of most things, as i really don't feel like locking every entry like i used to.

ha, like my mom is still reading my lj. she still can barely click a mouse.

i fear that i've become dependent on other people in a bad way. i have nothing to show for this fear, as i'm fairly talented at hiding what i don't want other people to know. more specifically, i spent the last two years of my life with one person the majority of the time. we ate together, we slept together, we vegged together, we loved each other, we put up with each others' bullshit, we hugged each other, and that was it. c'est tout.

that's gone now, and for all the right reasons. i should have ended it sooner. and so my personal freedom commenced. i craved [read, still crave] to be close to people, to touch, to play. i wanted the company of men, and it was a struggle. it still might be. i don't really know. i'd been kissing the very same person for 2 years. kissing him the way he liked to be kissed. same with sex. same with proximity. same with conversations and censorship. it's kind of weird now.

i met someone. for the first time in my life, i'm agreeing to just deal with a given situation. we're not together, i think we've agreed to not be "together," yet i think we feel like we're together. it feels like playing house; everything we do still has meaning, but only in the context of the pretend. the only consequences of our actions are pretend ones to match our pretend relationship; "pseudorelationship," he called it. and that's not true for the most part. we can say nothing will ever happen to affect reality, but most of us have been here at some degree or another.

portions for foxes, rilo kiley

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there's blood in my mouth 'cause i've been biting my tongue all week
i keep on talking trash but i never say anything
and the talking leads to touching
and the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

and it's bad news
baby, i'm bad news
i'm just bad news bad news bad news

i know i'm alone if i'm with or without you
but just being around you offers me another form of relief
when the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and i call you and say, "c'mere!"

and it's bad news
baby, i'm bad news
i'm just bad news bad news bad news
and it's bad news
baby, it's bad news
it's just bad news bad news bad news

'cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me, like you

'cause we'll all be portions for foxes
yeah, we'll all be portions for foxes

there's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleeping inside of you

and the talking leads to touching
then the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

and it's bad news
i don't blame you
i do the same thing, i get lonely too

and you're bad news
my friends tell me to leave you
that you're bad news bad news bad news

you're bad news
baby, you're bad news
and you're bad news
baby, you're bad news
and you're bad news
i don't care, i like you
and you're bad news
i don't care, i like you, i like you