(no subject)
so today i went to my classes and kept myself busy, first day of class and already i have 70pgs of reading, 2 essays and 1 lab due monday. but still i made time for my friends, we went shopping for computers and room stuff and came home to have dinner togather. i missed my asain friends. later i set up my room, and had a study group with my little sis, brooke and paddy.
i miss the island though. i miss not having adam, shira and mike around. and when i couldnt find promitit or connie on the phone, i felt like i was actully changing. but than emi called. today i feel changed, jaded and grown up. i reread my entries and replyed to leah's message, and a part of me realsied how different i am now.
back in high school i was the little asian girl who couldnt talk. people didnt think i could do anything, i was werid and crazy and loud and i hated it. hated so many of good friends for telling me im insane, hated my bf at the time even more because half of the insane was due to him doing stupid shit. but now i realise im not that. im going to a really good school, meeting amazing people and no one here looks down on me. i have the grades and had the grades than. i could have done so much better if i knew than that i had a chance. back in high school everyone picked on me, the jocks the cool kids, the jerks... everyone cause i was different. well now a days i learned to dress myself and instead of them making fun of me for the way i dress and act, i think they are actully impressed. its a nice feeling, and i think i found it when i came to school and realsied that i was better than that shit. better than thw island folk.
so in my new found life, i did a lot of clinging to ryan. i proper boy with life long goals. we were well dressed, proper and classy for the most parts. i had my friends and he had his. we had a life, grades and well everything i didnt when i was in high school. i felt like i fited in. i felt as if my life made sense. because of ryan i thought i could i make my double life make sense and i loved every moment i was with him. being in love with a person who was in love with you in amazing! but than things didnt turn out the way we expected. and i learned that it was okay. he was still young and i was looking for something different.
i came home to the island this summer and found something amazing. freedom. i met someone who was just keeps on impressing me with the things he does. i want what is "proper", i want to study aboard, go to grad school, get an MBA, and end up with an amazing job. i did a lot of review and did alot of work this summer. but apart of me also wants what will make me happy. and right now happy means doing things for myself for once.
i dont mean to hurt people. i dont want to hurt people, i just want to do what feels right. i dont want to date someone because i felt bad for his friends, i dont want to like my mom's friend's son beucase it would make her happy. i want to find someone that have always wanted to find. i mean i know its not right for me in the end, but a part of me wants to be wrong just this once. i am resbonsible for my actions. i hurt myself for not breaking up with ryan sooner, i realise now. i got into that thing with bob too, because i choose not to stab with the knife under my pillow. i choose to not fight my mom when she made me come to school in america. and i choose not buy the first ticket out of here when i turned 18. those are my chooise and i will deal with the consiwqences.
because thats what being grown up is actully about.
so today i feel old, today i feel tired
i miss the island though. i miss not having adam, shira and mike around. and when i couldnt find promitit or connie on the phone, i felt like i was actully changing. but than emi called. today i feel changed, jaded and grown up. i reread my entries and replyed to leah's message, and a part of me realsied how different i am now.
back in high school i was the little asian girl who couldnt talk. people didnt think i could do anything, i was werid and crazy and loud and i hated it. hated so many of good friends for telling me im insane, hated my bf at the time even more because half of the insane was due to him doing stupid shit. but now i realise im not that. im going to a really good school, meeting amazing people and no one here looks down on me. i have the grades and had the grades than. i could have done so much better if i knew than that i had a chance. back in high school everyone picked on me, the jocks the cool kids, the jerks... everyone cause i was different. well now a days i learned to dress myself and instead of them making fun of me for the way i dress and act, i think they are actully impressed. its a nice feeling, and i think i found it when i came to school and realsied that i was better than that shit. better than thw island folk.
so in my new found life, i did a lot of clinging to ryan. i proper boy with life long goals. we were well dressed, proper and classy for the most parts. i had my friends and he had his. we had a life, grades and well everything i didnt when i was in high school. i felt like i fited in. i felt as if my life made sense. because of ryan i thought i could i make my double life make sense and i loved every moment i was with him. being in love with a person who was in love with you in amazing! but than things didnt turn out the way we expected. and i learned that it was okay. he was still young and i was looking for something different.
i came home to the island this summer and found something amazing. freedom. i met someone who was just keeps on impressing me with the things he does. i want what is "proper", i want to study aboard, go to grad school, get an MBA, and end up with an amazing job. i did a lot of review and did alot of work this summer. but apart of me also wants what will make me happy. and right now happy means doing things for myself for once.
i dont mean to hurt people. i dont want to hurt people, i just want to do what feels right. i dont want to date someone because i felt bad for his friends, i dont want to like my mom's friend's son beucase it would make her happy. i want to find someone that have always wanted to find. i mean i know its not right for me in the end, but a part of me wants to be wrong just this once. i am resbonsible for my actions. i hurt myself for not breaking up with ryan sooner, i realise now. i got into that thing with bob too, because i choose not to stab with the knife under my pillow. i choose to not fight my mom when she made me come to school in america. and i choose not buy the first ticket out of here when i turned 18. those are my chooise and i will deal with the consiwqences.
because thats what being grown up is actully about.
so today i feel old, today i feel tired