(no subject)
i told myself from the start when i stepped back into this realtionship thing, that i could do it, that i could hold out and take whatever come my way
...in the end i just want to be close to him, i just want to be there for him
i donno why i keep on thinking of him as mine still, why im still terrified of him breaking, when im the one whoes lossing this war.
sometime when i sit in his room, its like im not eventhere, he smiles when his talking to people on aim, smiles when his out with his friends...
he holds me when we are out, then he ingorned me when the white guy throw shit at my head and then got mad cause i lost my cool and made him look bad.
i keep on telling myself i just want to be there for him, that if one of us had to deal with it all, i wanted it to be me to break.
his just so angery, and he yells, he call me fussie and i donno
i keep on looking... but i really cant find that kid i went out with anymore.
sometimes i stare at myself and wounder if i dont dress the way he wants, or maybe it my makeup, or maybe my body isnt toned enough.
sometimes... i really do feel like im the one whoes going to break, and somehow still... i cant let him go
i cant stop worringabout him, about his stupid work, and not going out enough, about his room, and whoes goingt o fold his cloth and what his going to eat,
but when im here, i just flip out about all the time he could have been spending with someone else.
a part of me, really want this to work, becaue i do love him... and a part of me cant really find the guy i fall in love with anymore
soomehow i wish i could be like emi,.. and learn to be content and be greatful for what i have...
maybe im too spoiled to make this work... i keep on trying to fix myself... but a part of me hates just being that object on his bed
a part of me resents him for making me his sex toy...
but i think mostly i just restent myself for not trying harder and being nicer
after i leaeve... i just remanber all the things i shouldnt have said and all the things i didnt do for him.
::sigh:: maybe this is me going insane... or maybe this is me, finally giving up
...in the end i just want to be close to him, i just want to be there for him
i donno why i keep on thinking of him as mine still, why im still terrified of him breaking, when im the one whoes lossing this war.
sometime when i sit in his room, its like im not eventhere, he smiles when his talking to people on aim, smiles when his out with his friends...
he holds me when we are out, then he ingorned me when the white guy throw shit at my head and then got mad cause i lost my cool and made him look bad.
i keep on telling myself i just want to be there for him, that if one of us had to deal with it all, i wanted it to be me to break.
his just so angery, and he yells, he call me fussie and i donno
i keep on looking... but i really cant find that kid i went out with anymore.
sometimes i stare at myself and wounder if i dont dress the way he wants, or maybe it my makeup, or maybe my body isnt toned enough.
sometimes... i really do feel like im the one whoes going to break, and somehow still... i cant let him go
i cant stop worringabout him, about his stupid work, and not going out enough, about his room, and whoes goingt o fold his cloth and what his going to eat,
but when im here, i just flip out about all the time he could have been spending with someone else.
a part of me, really want this to work, becaue i do love him... and a part of me cant really find the guy i fall in love with anymore
soomehow i wish i could be like emi,.. and learn to be content and be greatful for what i have...
maybe im too spoiled to make this work... i keep on trying to fix myself... but a part of me hates just being that object on his bed
a part of me resents him for making me his sex toy...
but i think mostly i just restent myself for not trying harder and being nicer
after i leaeve... i just remanber all the things i shouldnt have said and all the things i didnt do for him.
::sigh:: maybe this is me going insane... or maybe this is me, finally giving up