LIFE'S A BIG BLUR RIGHT NOW
heyy journal, haven't been here in a while, i guess i didn't know how to write what i wanted to write. i don't even think i know now, but here goes.
as you know i broke up with ivan. it's been almost a month and i miss him like hell. i still love him with all my heart but........i just don't know. i want him back but i know he doesn't want me.
you know what journal, i'm gonna but it all out there, my true relationship with ivan. yes i loved him, but there was a lot of shit that i hated about him as well. while i made it seem it my friend's that our problems were all his fault, most of them were mine...we wrote each other letters and here they are:
------------------------------------------------
THIS ONE I WROTE TO HIM:
Hey Ivan,
Sorry about my attitude lately, I've been taking what you said very harshly and didn't quite know how to react. I had Stephanie talk to you because I felt that she could do a better job explaining things from my perspective cause she really knows what I'm going through, but that's supposed to be my job so here goes.
If you didn't know, I was on the other line last night, I just had the phone on mute. I took everything ya'll said in and basically soaked my pillow with tears. I realize now how I've treated you and I feel so bad right now and it hurts. But I wanna come clean with everything in this letter and let you know what's really going on with me and what I'm dealing with.
Starting at the beginning, I was bored and wanted to talk to someone so I started flipping through the Yahoo Personals ads, I saw yours and found your profile to be promising so I instant messaged you. I didn't think anything of it. Truefully the first few days we talked I found you to be really annoying and aggravating, but I kept talking to you anyways. When I wrote that journal entry and you asked about it, I lied and told you the journal was a fake just so you wouldn't stop talking to me. I told Stephanie that you were an irritating prick that I couldn't stand. I laughed at your keeping your virginity and the way that you were always thinking about, like you were some little desperate dude. I lied about going with you also. I did like you a little, but most of the time I was humoring you. I didn't go with you to get back at Ed though, he wasn't even a factor. I kinda felt sorry for you cause I thought you were so pathetic.
I should have told you everything about me from the start, but because of my past, I censor the things I tell people about myself. I should have told you about my tongue ring, and my attention cravings, my one night stands, my smoking, and everything else. I complained about wanting an open relationship, yet I kept myself secret and only told you what I wanted you to hear.
This is hard to say cause I know how you feel about it but I want you to know. First of all, the fact that you don't trust me 100% hurt, a lot actually. I trust you completely, I never had any reason not to, but I guess you had plenty of reasons based on my past. I was shocked though that you believe that me and Antwon didn't do anything. My guilt is really taking a toll on my heart, because physically I didn't cheat, but I did emotionally. I lusted for Antwon when he was there. I'm gon be straight up. He kissed me and I kissed him back for like 5 seconds, but stopped because it didn't feel right, it wasn't you. My feelings for you were so strong and were growing stronger and I realized then that my feelings for him were over, I just wanted the sex, because of my cravings and your wanting to wait was driving me crazy. I totally respect you now regarding your wanting to wait, and I apologize for trying to rush you and everything. It was wrong of me to try to pressure you and I'm sorry.
I fucked up big time. I've been complaining for the last year about how guys are no good and yet when I meet that one good guy, I became the villian. At the beginning, I really didn't expect anything to come of this, but something did. I love you with all my heart and soul. I understand that we have a lot of differences, yet we have many similarities as well. I do want us to work this out, cause I want it to work. I believe we can resolve some of these differences or we can just start over and take things slow. I feel like I don't deserve you cause you've been a great boyfriend to me and I've been a horrible girlfriend. I talked about you in a bad way (at the beginning), I lied and thought about cheating. You never did any of those things. It was wrong of my to think you were cheating on me with Diana, I was just jealous, which I shouldn't be cause I didn't answer my phone.
I've been really foolish and selfish. I wasn't trying to hurt you purposefully. I only did it to rectify myself. Stephanie put a lot of the blame on my parents, I'll agree with 99% of what she told you last night. I do stretch the truth a lot so that I won't get critized about and I do tell lies, mostly to protect myself, but I never think about the other person. I am selfish and an attention craver, mostly because I never get attention from other people.
I never told you why I hate my father or why I react defensively to you all the time. March 20, 2002 (day after my 17th birthday), I won first place for a oratorical contest. My parents, Julie, and I went to a awards breakfast thing where I got a medal. Anyways, afterwards I went to school, Julie went to the baby-sitters, and my parents went home to talk. When I got out of school, I went to my grandmother's house to show her my medal and when I got there, my mom's car was in the driveway. I went in and she was crying. I knew something was seriously wrong because my mother never cries about anything. We left and when we got in to car, she told me what had happened. When her and my dad talked, he told her he didn't love her anymore and that he was thinking about moving out. I was so mad at him because my mom does everything for him and yet he's still not grateful. That's why I hate him so much, plus the fact that he's always so mean to me all the time. The reason why I act so defensively is because I have to. I don't take criticisms that well, so I act that way to protect myself.
I need you to know that I do love you and want to be with you so much. I want our relationship to work and turn out for the best. I didn't mean to rush things by talking about kids and marriage, it was just supposed to be conversation. We can slow things up and take our time to really get to know each other. I do want to take to you verbally, but don't quite know what to say, so give me time and I'll come around. I'll understand if you want to just be friends cause of all this. Please reply to this, or you can call me, or whatever. I love you.
Love Always,
Ariele
THIS ONE HE WROTE BACK:
Hello Ariele,
This is me Ivan, psych naw, but to get to the topics. There are a lot of things that I just found out in this e-mail that I did not know, and I do honestly applaud you for being so open and honest with me. Knowing that you kissed him and didn't tell me hurts me, but i can understand why you wouldn't have told me, i would have been upset. But i never would have you yelled at you and tripped on you or anything. Honestly I probably would have broken up with you because of it, especially since you kept it from me. I also think that there are things that you need in a relationship that I am not able to give you. Even though you said it hurt that i didn't trust you 100% I have plenty of reasons to not trust you completely, especially since you told me about these times that you have lied to me. Besides this I have so much that I am trying to focus on right now that i believe it would be best to just be friends. The other thing that bothered me about what you said was how you said you had no feelings for antwon but you still wanted sex from him, I mean even though you did not do anything i cannot trust that every time you will make the same choice when I cannot give you something that you so highly desire. I am not trying to just up and split, I would very much like for us to be friends. But, especially at this moment, we cannot be more than that.
Ivan
----------------------------------------------------
see everyone, journal, i really fucked up. i let one of the greatest things that happened to me slip through me fingers. i didn't deserve him. i don't think i deserve anyone. i lie to my friends, my family, and myself. who am i kidding. i am not the person i make myself out to be. i'm not smart, i cheated and pragarised to get myself through highschool. i lie to all my friends, even my bestfriend, stephanie, and my close friends, noelle and dannie. i try to make myself seem cooler by writing provacitive poems that aren't even me. i talk about my sexual escapades that people don't give a shit about, but for some strange reason i feel uplifted for saying them. SICK (and that's not even my word, it's dannie's). truthfully, i hate myself. i don't deserve my friends. i don't deserve my family member's love. i deserve the support i get from church or anywhere else. my favorite song used to be "I'm a Bitch" by:Meredith Brookes. you know the one, "ima bitch, ima mother, ima child, ima lover, ima sinner, ima saint, i do not feel ashamed..." well truth is i am ashamed. i'm ashamed of what i've become. well you know what journal, i'm gonna change myself. when i talk to people, i'm gonna be me and only me. so everyone forget eveything that you know about me, cause when you see me next time, it won't be the same ariele.
everyone who read this and knew me, i ask that you would comment. write your true feelings, don't hide anything. i wanna know what you truely think and feel. you won't hurt my feelings. i need to hear your criticisms.
peace and love forever. ariele genise sanders.
as you know i broke up with ivan. it's been almost a month and i miss him like hell. i still love him with all my heart but........i just don't know. i want him back but i know he doesn't want me.
you know what journal, i'm gonna but it all out there, my true relationship with ivan. yes i loved him, but there was a lot of shit that i hated about him as well. while i made it seem it my friend's that our problems were all his fault, most of them were mine...we wrote each other letters and here they are:
------------------------------------------------
THIS ONE I WROTE TO HIM:
Hey Ivan,
Sorry about my attitude lately, I've been taking what you said very harshly and didn't quite know how to react. I had Stephanie talk to you because I felt that she could do a better job explaining things from my perspective cause she really knows what I'm going through, but that's supposed to be my job so here goes.
If you didn't know, I was on the other line last night, I just had the phone on mute. I took everything ya'll said in and basically soaked my pillow with tears. I realize now how I've treated you and I feel so bad right now and it hurts. But I wanna come clean with everything in this letter and let you know what's really going on with me and what I'm dealing with.
Starting at the beginning, I was bored and wanted to talk to someone so I started flipping through the Yahoo Personals ads, I saw yours and found your profile to be promising so I instant messaged you. I didn't think anything of it. Truefully the first few days we talked I found you to be really annoying and aggravating, but I kept talking to you anyways. When I wrote that journal entry and you asked about it, I lied and told you the journal was a fake just so you wouldn't stop talking to me. I told Stephanie that you were an irritating prick that I couldn't stand. I laughed at your keeping your virginity and the way that you were always thinking about, like you were some little desperate dude. I lied about going with you also. I did like you a little, but most of the time I was humoring you. I didn't go with you to get back at Ed though, he wasn't even a factor. I kinda felt sorry for you cause I thought you were so pathetic.
I should have told you everything about me from the start, but because of my past, I censor the things I tell people about myself. I should have told you about my tongue ring, and my attention cravings, my one night stands, my smoking, and everything else. I complained about wanting an open relationship, yet I kept myself secret and only told you what I wanted you to hear.
This is hard to say cause I know how you feel about it but I want you to know. First of all, the fact that you don't trust me 100% hurt, a lot actually. I trust you completely, I never had any reason not to, but I guess you had plenty of reasons based on my past. I was shocked though that you believe that me and Antwon didn't do anything. My guilt is really taking a toll on my heart, because physically I didn't cheat, but I did emotionally. I lusted for Antwon when he was there. I'm gon be straight up. He kissed me and I kissed him back for like 5 seconds, but stopped because it didn't feel right, it wasn't you. My feelings for you were so strong and were growing stronger and I realized then that my feelings for him were over, I just wanted the sex, because of my cravings and your wanting to wait was driving me crazy. I totally respect you now regarding your wanting to wait, and I apologize for trying to rush you and everything. It was wrong of me to try to pressure you and I'm sorry.
I fucked up big time. I've been complaining for the last year about how guys are no good and yet when I meet that one good guy, I became the villian. At the beginning, I really didn't expect anything to come of this, but something did. I love you with all my heart and soul. I understand that we have a lot of differences, yet we have many similarities as well. I do want us to work this out, cause I want it to work. I believe we can resolve some of these differences or we can just start over and take things slow. I feel like I don't deserve you cause you've been a great boyfriend to me and I've been a horrible girlfriend. I talked about you in a bad way (at the beginning), I lied and thought about cheating. You never did any of those things. It was wrong of my to think you were cheating on me with Diana, I was just jealous, which I shouldn't be cause I didn't answer my phone.
I've been really foolish and selfish. I wasn't trying to hurt you purposefully. I only did it to rectify myself. Stephanie put a lot of the blame on my parents, I'll agree with 99% of what she told you last night. I do stretch the truth a lot so that I won't get critized about and I do tell lies, mostly to protect myself, but I never think about the other person. I am selfish and an attention craver, mostly because I never get attention from other people.
I never told you why I hate my father or why I react defensively to you all the time. March 20, 2002 (day after my 17th birthday), I won first place for a oratorical contest. My parents, Julie, and I went to a awards breakfast thing where I got a medal. Anyways, afterwards I went to school, Julie went to the baby-sitters, and my parents went home to talk. When I got out of school, I went to my grandmother's house to show her my medal and when I got there, my mom's car was in the driveway. I went in and she was crying. I knew something was seriously wrong because my mother never cries about anything. We left and when we got in to car, she told me what had happened. When her and my dad talked, he told her he didn't love her anymore and that he was thinking about moving out. I was so mad at him because my mom does everything for him and yet he's still not grateful. That's why I hate him so much, plus the fact that he's always so mean to me all the time. The reason why I act so defensively is because I have to. I don't take criticisms that well, so I act that way to protect myself.
I need you to know that I do love you and want to be with you so much. I want our relationship to work and turn out for the best. I didn't mean to rush things by talking about kids and marriage, it was just supposed to be conversation. We can slow things up and take our time to really get to know each other. I do want to take to you verbally, but don't quite know what to say, so give me time and I'll come around. I'll understand if you want to just be friends cause of all this. Please reply to this, or you can call me, or whatever. I love you.
Love Always,
Ariele
THIS ONE HE WROTE BACK:
Hello Ariele,
This is me Ivan, psych naw, but to get to the topics. There are a lot of things that I just found out in this e-mail that I did not know, and I do honestly applaud you for being so open and honest with me. Knowing that you kissed him and didn't tell me hurts me, but i can understand why you wouldn't have told me, i would have been upset. But i never would have you yelled at you and tripped on you or anything. Honestly I probably would have broken up with you because of it, especially since you kept it from me. I also think that there are things that you need in a relationship that I am not able to give you. Even though you said it hurt that i didn't trust you 100% I have plenty of reasons to not trust you completely, especially since you told me about these times that you have lied to me. Besides this I have so much that I am trying to focus on right now that i believe it would be best to just be friends. The other thing that bothered me about what you said was how you said you had no feelings for antwon but you still wanted sex from him, I mean even though you did not do anything i cannot trust that every time you will make the same choice when I cannot give you something that you so highly desire. I am not trying to just up and split, I would very much like for us to be friends. But, especially at this moment, we cannot be more than that.
Ivan
----------------------------------------------------
see everyone, journal, i really fucked up. i let one of the greatest things that happened to me slip through me fingers. i didn't deserve him. i don't think i deserve anyone. i lie to my friends, my family, and myself. who am i kidding. i am not the person i make myself out to be. i'm not smart, i cheated and pragarised to get myself through highschool. i lie to all my friends, even my bestfriend, stephanie, and my close friends, noelle and dannie. i try to make myself seem cooler by writing provacitive poems that aren't even me. i talk about my sexual escapades that people don't give a shit about, but for some strange reason i feel uplifted for saying them. SICK (and that's not even my word, it's dannie's). truthfully, i hate myself. i don't deserve my friends. i don't deserve my family member's love. i deserve the support i get from church or anywhere else. my favorite song used to be "I'm a Bitch" by:Meredith Brookes. you know the one, "ima bitch, ima mother, ima child, ima lover, ima sinner, ima saint, i do not feel ashamed..." well truth is i am ashamed. i'm ashamed of what i've become. well you know what journal, i'm gonna change myself. when i talk to people, i'm gonna be me and only me. so everyone forget eveything that you know about me, cause when you see me next time, it won't be the same ariele.
everyone who read this and knew me, i ask that you would comment. write your true feelings, don't hide anything. i wanna know what you truely think and feel. you won't hurt my feelings. i need to hear your criticisms.
peace and love forever. ariele genise sanders.