(no subject)
I have way too much free time to think. Sitting here at work for four hours with hardly anything to do (the kids are working on maps, there's no need for me except to answer the occassional question or permit a bathroom break) causes me to go over things in my mind more times than is ever necessary. Situations that have happened, both ones I wish to go back and relive and ones I wish hadn't happened, scenarios of the future which are increasingly farfetched and never going to play out so perfectly. So many things that I know I shouldn't be thinking of, that I should've let go of weeks ago, but just am not able to. About some things I've been so detached that once the moment they happen is over I hardly need to think over them again; I liked that, it was easier. A few things though - things that shouldn't matter, things that should be significantly less meaningful to me than the big ones that I basically ignore - those things won't leave my mind, but instead continuously play back over and over again until I become so consumed in my disappointment towards them that it affects my present state of happiness.
When did I become so sentimental? I used to pride myself on my independence, but now I realize that that independence was only perceived, not true. I cannot maintain my own happiness but instead depend on the words and actions of others towards me to keep me content. So when I am no longer recieving the attention I so desperately cling to (or, at least, not receiving it from the should-be insignificant sources that I want to receive it from), I get depressed, I brood over the past continuously but keep it all inside, because I'd never admit that certain things affect me in the way that they do.
Some times I think that I really need to get my priorities straight, but then again, can I really help the way that I feel? Maybe, maybe not so much, but I can help the way that I act, and I really seriously need to start considering the consequences of my actions beforehand, espeically those decisions made based off of temporary urges felt only in the moment, because certain relationships are going in directions that I wish they would never go in, and I'm giving off impressions hat are entirely false depsite how much they may seem as if they're true.
Things swirl around in my head in such a mess that it's so hard to figure out any complete and solid thoughts. Everything blurs together in a way that my thoughts all become associated with each other and with my state of discontent with the things I do and think and feel.
I'm outwardly very excited to move back to East Lansing on Sunday, but I can't help but think that it'll probably be bad for me in general. I know I'm going to have more fun during those weeks when I'm there, but I also know that I'm probably much more likely to do the kinds of things that get me to end up in the state I'm in now. I suppose that's just how it's going to be, because I know that part of me really doesn't want to change, part of me wants to continue to do these things because they bring me temporary happiness and make me feel wanted again. This summer will mark the death of whatever innocence I may have had left. So it goes.
As Germany creeps closer and closer I realize how much more I need it. I'll have the chance to begin my life over again, to leave almost everything I'm familiar with. No one will know me, my personality, my past. I am entirely in control of how I am going to be perceived. Not that I plan on changing myself very much or at all, but it's just refreshing to know that I can basically start over if I need to. It will also be good to get away from everything that has happened and may be happening here; nothing makes the end so pronounced than moving halfway across the world for eleven months. It's entirely possible and very likely that I'll have the best year of my life, and when I come back, I can start a lot of things over again here as well.
I think it's important to note that I'm not depressed or upset. I just constantly have a lot of things on my mind that are not necessarily super positive. It's nice to get them written down even if they make no sense to anyone else.