Hush Little Baby, Chapter Ten
Chapter nine is above this chapter. I know, I'm really sorry about the confusion.
Sometimes the only way that was left was to be direct.
Zack tried to remember this - remember that there wasn’t any way that he could sugar coat this, or to protect Cloud from this part any longer. And that stung. For the past week or so, his life had been all about protecting Cloud. His protective instincts were always highly strung. And now he couldn’t do anything. Those instincts were useless, and he was the one exposing Cloud to this.
But there just wasn’t any other way.
“Cloud.”
The younger man looked up from his breakfast, simple buttered toast which seemed to please his friend inordinately.
“Yeah?” For a moment, those eyes were unguarded, and with a mouthful of breakfast, he looked like anybody else. For a moment, the morning was a normal one. Just two people sharing a meal. Just for a minute, everything wasn’t fucked up, the situation was normal. He should have been pleased that his support had helped Cloud get to this point of normality.
Instead, Zack didn’t like the fact that he was the one to break that normal morning. He wanted to change the sounds that his mouth made at the last minute, and say something that would simply confirm the normality, something like ‘pass the jam.’
Instead, his mouth formed the words, “Seph’s identified the man who did this.”
Cloud’s mouth stilled, and the muscles in his jaw tensed, unable to go on chewing.
His throat was tight. It felt as though the muscles there had suddenly swollen, pressing painfully against each other, constricting his airflow. The previously delicious food turned wet and mushy and disgusting in his mouth. Yet when he forced himself to swallow to avoid vomiting, it felt like shards of glass hitching down his throat. He hadn’t noticed that the crusts had been that sharp, or that many.
The silence hurt his ears, and though he knew it was ridiculous - because really, there wasn’t anything he could say that was an appropriate response to that news - he felt as though he should make some sort of reply.
“Oh.”
He didn’t want to eat any more. Or sit here anymore.
After expelling that tight, inadequate little sound, Cloud rose from his seat with equal tightness and unnatural control, then picked up his plate of half-eaten toast. As Zack spoke, his movements became quicker, jerkier.
“Cloud, did you understand me?”
Swift and not at all smooth steps towards the other end of the kitchen.
“Listen buddy, I know it’s a lot to take in.”
The bin lid clanging open with a little more force than necessary, the toast flung in as though it were a disgusting insect Cloud had just discovered on his hand.
“Cloud don’t, there’s no need for that, please. Just sit down, you can’t go the whole day without breakfast - ”
“You’re not my mother, Zack.”
The words were harsh, tight and resentful. And they cracked and wavered at the end, because he really shouldn’t have mentioned his mother, because that made him think of how sweet she was, how she’d always looked after him, always loved him, no matter what, and-and he wanted to go home.
He wanted to go home and be with his mama, but he just couldn’t, not like this. Not in this state. He couldn’t bring this into their home.
The anger that had been locking his muscles tightly drained away, and he promptly went limp and felt twice as lost, giving up on any sense of decorum or attempt at dignity as his eyes stung.
His hands hung by his side, not even attempting to cover his face this time, this was so far beyond etiquette. He was too far gone for that right now.
“I want to go home.”
Even though it was probably a bad idea, Zack was unable to stop himself from crossing the kitchen and folding Cloud into a hug, because he was just a lost fucking kid, who had had to endure what nobody should, and who was homesick and missing his mother, and it wasn’t fair.
Thankfully, Cloud didn’t seem to be disturbed by the touch, and wrapped his arms around Zack as far as he could, squeezing his shoulders in a desperate grip, letting Zack’s shirt soak up the tears and the shuddering.
“Cloud, listen to me, I swear that once this is all sorted out, as soon as we have that guy, I’ll get Seph to approve some leave for you, and you can go home and see your mother - ”
“No!”
The vehemence of Cloud’s reply startled him, and he pulled away slightly to see Cloud’s face fiercely determined, trying to stop the tears in order to appear more commanding.
“What?” Zack was at a complete loss. “But you just said that you wanted to go home, and I know that Seph would grant you the leave as soon as he’s asked, what - ”
“No, Zack.” The voice was no longer quite so fierce, but just as determined. “I can’t see her - I can’t let her see me like this. She can’t know; it would kill her. She worries so much about me, I can’t let her know about this. She worries herself sick every time I tell her that I have a bruise, she cried when I left, I can’t tell her.”
It was impossible to know what to say. Zack swallowed, and rubbed his hand across his face. He took a deep breath.
“Cloud,” he started gently, “she’s your mother. She loves you. And I know that she already worries about you, but that’s exactly why you should tell her. It wouldn’t be fair to keep this from her. She needs to protect you, otherwise she’s going to feel as though she’s...failed you somehow.”
The younger man violently turned his head away from Zack’s words, unable to contemplate hurting his mother, making her feel guilty, when she had been the one light in his life in Nibelheim. When she had always been there for him.
“Cloud, I know it’s hard to understand.” Zack’s voice was pleading as he turned himself to face his friend again, hands stilling the younger’s movements and looking him in the eye.
“But you can’t keep this from her. Can you imagine how much it would hurt her? Please Cloud, she can help you more than I ever could. If you don’t want to, I can...I would be willing to tell her for you, if you -”
“No!” Cloud lunged forwards, grasping fistfuls of Zack’s uniform in desperation, the panic making him tremble, making his grip painful. “No. She can’t know. She mustn’t know. Don’t tell her. You can’t tell her!”
Cloud was unable to prevent his eyes glassing over with an angry and desolate film, and this only made him even more livid. Zack was there, Zack was in the firing line, he was the one who threatened to undo him by telling his mother of this-this thing. And none of this was fair. The screaming was terrible, even to his ears, but he couldn’t stop it.
“I’ll hate you, Zack! I swear to god, if you do this to me, I’ll hate you forever!” His voice cracked.
The furious shouting eventually broke as he slid downwards, hands still gripping Zack, but more imploring this time, as he slid to his knees and clasped his hands before his friend in a gesture of begging - for Zack’s silence, for comfort, human contact, anything - the angry yelling breaking into something torn and anguished and at Zack’s mercy.
The older man tightly enfolded his friend in his arms, stopping his grovelling, and bringing him up to squeeze him to his chest, his watering eyes fixed on the ceiling as he promised, against all his better instincts, “I won’t tell her Cloud. I promise I won’t. I’ll make this better, I swear I will.”
TBC
Short, I know, and apologies for that. But I think we’re approaching the end.
Sometimes the only way that was left was to be direct.
Zack tried to remember this - remember that there wasn’t any way that he could sugar coat this, or to protect Cloud from this part any longer. And that stung. For the past week or so, his life had been all about protecting Cloud. His protective instincts were always highly strung. And now he couldn’t do anything. Those instincts were useless, and he was the one exposing Cloud to this.
But there just wasn’t any other way.
“Cloud.”
The younger man looked up from his breakfast, simple buttered toast which seemed to please his friend inordinately.
“Yeah?” For a moment, those eyes were unguarded, and with a mouthful of breakfast, he looked like anybody else. For a moment, the morning was a normal one. Just two people sharing a meal. Just for a minute, everything wasn’t fucked up, the situation was normal. He should have been pleased that his support had helped Cloud get to this point of normality.
Instead, Zack didn’t like the fact that he was the one to break that normal morning. He wanted to change the sounds that his mouth made at the last minute, and say something that would simply confirm the normality, something like ‘pass the jam.’
Instead, his mouth formed the words, “Seph’s identified the man who did this.”
Cloud’s mouth stilled, and the muscles in his jaw tensed, unable to go on chewing.
His throat was tight. It felt as though the muscles there had suddenly swollen, pressing painfully against each other, constricting his airflow. The previously delicious food turned wet and mushy and disgusting in his mouth. Yet when he forced himself to swallow to avoid vomiting, it felt like shards of glass hitching down his throat. He hadn’t noticed that the crusts had been that sharp, or that many.
The silence hurt his ears, and though he knew it was ridiculous - because really, there wasn’t anything he could say that was an appropriate response to that news - he felt as though he should make some sort of reply.
“Oh.”
He didn’t want to eat any more. Or sit here anymore.
After expelling that tight, inadequate little sound, Cloud rose from his seat with equal tightness and unnatural control, then picked up his plate of half-eaten toast. As Zack spoke, his movements became quicker, jerkier.
“Cloud, did you understand me?”
Swift and not at all smooth steps towards the other end of the kitchen.
“Listen buddy, I know it’s a lot to take in.”
The bin lid clanging open with a little more force than necessary, the toast flung in as though it were a disgusting insect Cloud had just discovered on his hand.
“Cloud don’t, there’s no need for that, please. Just sit down, you can’t go the whole day without breakfast - ”
“You’re not my mother, Zack.”
The words were harsh, tight and resentful. And they cracked and wavered at the end, because he really shouldn’t have mentioned his mother, because that made him think of how sweet she was, how she’d always looked after him, always loved him, no matter what, and-and he wanted to go home.
He wanted to go home and be with his mama, but he just couldn’t, not like this. Not in this state. He couldn’t bring this into their home.
The anger that had been locking his muscles tightly drained away, and he promptly went limp and felt twice as lost, giving up on any sense of decorum or attempt at dignity as his eyes stung.
His hands hung by his side, not even attempting to cover his face this time, this was so far beyond etiquette. He was too far gone for that right now.
“I want to go home.”
Even though it was probably a bad idea, Zack was unable to stop himself from crossing the kitchen and folding Cloud into a hug, because he was just a lost fucking kid, who had had to endure what nobody should, and who was homesick and missing his mother, and it wasn’t fair.
Thankfully, Cloud didn’t seem to be disturbed by the touch, and wrapped his arms around Zack as far as he could, squeezing his shoulders in a desperate grip, letting Zack’s shirt soak up the tears and the shuddering.
“Cloud, listen to me, I swear that once this is all sorted out, as soon as we have that guy, I’ll get Seph to approve some leave for you, and you can go home and see your mother - ”
“No!”
The vehemence of Cloud’s reply startled him, and he pulled away slightly to see Cloud’s face fiercely determined, trying to stop the tears in order to appear more commanding.
“What?” Zack was at a complete loss. “But you just said that you wanted to go home, and I know that Seph would grant you the leave as soon as he’s asked, what - ”
“No, Zack.” The voice was no longer quite so fierce, but just as determined. “I can’t see her - I can’t let her see me like this. She can’t know; it would kill her. She worries so much about me, I can’t let her know about this. She worries herself sick every time I tell her that I have a bruise, she cried when I left, I can’t tell her.”
It was impossible to know what to say. Zack swallowed, and rubbed his hand across his face. He took a deep breath.
“Cloud,” he started gently, “she’s your mother. She loves you. And I know that she already worries about you, but that’s exactly why you should tell her. It wouldn’t be fair to keep this from her. She needs to protect you, otherwise she’s going to feel as though she’s...failed you somehow.”
The younger man violently turned his head away from Zack’s words, unable to contemplate hurting his mother, making her feel guilty, when she had been the one light in his life in Nibelheim. When she had always been there for him.
“Cloud, I know it’s hard to understand.” Zack’s voice was pleading as he turned himself to face his friend again, hands stilling the younger’s movements and looking him in the eye.
“But you can’t keep this from her. Can you imagine how much it would hurt her? Please Cloud, she can help you more than I ever could. If you don’t want to, I can...I would be willing to tell her for you, if you -”
“No!” Cloud lunged forwards, grasping fistfuls of Zack’s uniform in desperation, the panic making him tremble, making his grip painful. “No. She can’t know. She mustn’t know. Don’t tell her. You can’t tell her!”
Cloud was unable to prevent his eyes glassing over with an angry and desolate film, and this only made him even more livid. Zack was there, Zack was in the firing line, he was the one who threatened to undo him by telling his mother of this-this thing. And none of this was fair. The screaming was terrible, even to his ears, but he couldn’t stop it.
“I’ll hate you, Zack! I swear to god, if you do this to me, I’ll hate you forever!” His voice cracked.
The furious shouting eventually broke as he slid downwards, hands still gripping Zack, but more imploring this time, as he slid to his knees and clasped his hands before his friend in a gesture of begging - for Zack’s silence, for comfort, human contact, anything - the angry yelling breaking into something torn and anguished and at Zack’s mercy.
The older man tightly enfolded his friend in his arms, stopping his grovelling, and bringing him up to squeeze him to his chest, his watering eyes fixed on the ceiling as he promised, against all his better instincts, “I won’t tell her Cloud. I promise I won’t. I’ll make this better, I swear I will.”
TBC
Short, I know, and apologies for that. But I think we’re approaching the end.