i'm a dumb fool
just feeling blah today. nothing going on, i dont wanna do anything or see anyone, just wanna be useless and be told i'm useless and slit my wrists or sain. sigh
is this the moodiness that accompanies pms? is it pre or post? i never remember.
sigh
to not call him an ex is to banish him from existence forever for then he would be nothing at all to me. but to do that is to deny an entire yr of my life. a yr that includes meeting the love of my life, finishing school and graduating, leaving canada, having a crazy job where i got paid to do nothing and meeting some of the craziest females ever.
i dont wanna forget all that too. so i guess i am gonna have to deal with the fact that i'm an idiot coz staying with him that whole time was the work of an idiot. would i still give him a chance if i were single? nope, too hurt for that. and it seems being friends is also not gonna happen since he is still what he was and i dont need that in my life. what i seek is the serenity to accept the fact that i was unable to impact positively on his life and that all i was able to do was to adopt his selfdestructive way of life and slowly kill myself.
what have i learned?
that i will always love hard. it seems to be my M.O. try as i might to not wanna just jump right into love, i cant. so i'm glad he didnt kill that.
i've also learned that u cannot force ppl to be what they r not. i always knew this but now i have the cuts and scrapes to remind me.
i love nik for all the ways he is not like my ex but also for all the ways that he is.
i need icecream or something. sugarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
hmm a muffin perhaps...
is this the moodiness that accompanies pms? is it pre or post? i never remember.
sigh
to not call him an ex is to banish him from existence forever for then he would be nothing at all to me. but to do that is to deny an entire yr of my life. a yr that includes meeting the love of my life, finishing school and graduating, leaving canada, having a crazy job where i got paid to do nothing and meeting some of the craziest females ever.
i dont wanna forget all that too. so i guess i am gonna have to deal with the fact that i'm an idiot coz staying with him that whole time was the work of an idiot. would i still give him a chance if i were single? nope, too hurt for that. and it seems being friends is also not gonna happen since he is still what he was and i dont need that in my life. what i seek is the serenity to accept the fact that i was unable to impact positively on his life and that all i was able to do was to adopt his selfdestructive way of life and slowly kill myself.
what have i learned?
that i will always love hard. it seems to be my M.O. try as i might to not wanna just jump right into love, i cant. so i'm glad he didnt kill that.
i've also learned that u cannot force ppl to be what they r not. i always knew this but now i have the cuts and scrapes to remind me.
i love nik for all the ways he is not like my ex but also for all the ways that he is.
i need icecream or something. sugarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
hmm a muffin perhaps...