(no subject)
i think i have writers' block. I dont really know what to say. Im so sad, and so miserable there arnt even words. It seems as if love was not ment for me. With rachel i try so hard and it seems like she cuts me off so easily. I remember when i first got with her Jenelle and i talked about my relationship, and i was soooo happy! Like i almost cry when i sit here and think about it. But like always she asked me questions about her, unlike my usual " ehh shes ok" "she a chill person" answers i was like "she is the most amazing person ever, shes beutiful, and kind and caring..." i must have gone on forever because she interupted me with "ok ms. im in love" ha I wasnt in love then... but shortly after. And this was nothing like with elizabeth, or dee, or any other girl. It is just so easy for me to love her. Right now i find myself trying not to love and and trying not to trust her just because of the hurt and pain i have no associated with it. But i dont know... right now things arnt that good, and i hope she doesnt break my heart again because i told myself that i wouldnt go back to her if she did. I sometimes wish i was with her how i am with everyone else so that i wouldnt feel for her so much. I think maybe i feel for her i different languages... if i could express myself better in spanish then i would write her a love song in spanish. Before monday i had not prayed in months, on monday morning i prayed so hard. I prayed for everything, i felt like my life was kinda fucked up so i got on my knees and i prayed, i prayed so hard i cried... and i dont know if the two are related but rachel asked me to be her girlfriend again later that day, and i also go a much needed scedule change at work. That night i thanked the lord for loving me... i really felt loved.
i think she is the one i could spend the rest of my life with, and she will always be the one i compare everyone else to. Although i dont want anyone else. Maybe i'll start dating guys again... i was so fed up with girls when i started dating rachel that i told myself i would date guys if it didnt work out. i wasnt thinking rationally but hey maybe i should give it a try... ill have to figure out how not to have sex with them though... thats kinda nasty. Whatever im not interested in anyone else but rachel... i love rachel...
i just wish she could trust me enough to love me without walls... even when we fight. but w/e... thats life right?
i think she is the one i could spend the rest of my life with, and she will always be the one i compare everyone else to. Although i dont want anyone else. Maybe i'll start dating guys again... i was so fed up with girls when i started dating rachel that i told myself i would date guys if it didnt work out. i wasnt thinking rationally but hey maybe i should give it a try... ill have to figure out how not to have sex with them though... thats kinda nasty. Whatever im not interested in anyone else but rachel... i love rachel...
i just wish she could trust me enough to love me without walls... even when we fight. but w/e... thats life right?