(no subject)
okay.........
so...........
I am writing in this for no reason, I figure. Nobody (except Amanda) will probably read this. Good.
Right now I'm talking to Mike. I've been talking to him for the past 2 1/2 hours......and that part I like. What I don't like is what we've been talking ABOUT. That would be who all he's liked....and who all I've liked. He didn't seem phased by the list....it went "mike, jamie, gentry, you, chris, stanford, and alex (long time ago)". The "you" didn't matter. Ah well, heaven forbid that something good comes my way that I don't fuck up. See, he is a good thign that came my way. He's nice, sincere, dependable, funny, supportive, and makes me feel important
so of course I'm going to fuck things up. He knows I like him...he asked and I first of all lied to him, and then acted like a 7 year old about it. I apologized for all of that...but still, it seems akward now. Before we could talk for like 5 hours, about anything and everything, but now it seems pressed for 15 minutes. Which is why the 2 1/2 hour part is exciting. He's graduating in 3 days...or something like that...and it's really depressing me. Sadly enough, even though I've only gotten to know him this past month, he's one of the best friends I've had this year. He's been so nice and genuine, and we are so much alike, it amazes me. I don't think he likes me, and even if he did he says he doesn't want to date high school girls, since he's going to college.
I think my biggest wish of all would for him to just stay friends with me over the summer, and we can make our video that makes fun of the band drama (well he can help), and things be like before. I liked the way things were before he confronted me...he's such a nice person. He liked Erin Chappell...that just gags me. Seriously....he asked her to prom....Lord, I jsut wanted to strangle myself when he said that. Big shock to me, I wasn't aware...
But I can't tell how he feels. I don't know if he's ok with everything or if he still feels weird, or what. Before he used to always IM me whenever he got on, but now he doesn't, and I feel like when I talk to him on my own he doesn't really care. I should have never told him I liked him...I should have denied, denied, denied......Lucy is trying to figure out how he really feels, since I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to ask. I just want to stay friends with him, even when he's at college, he is smart and I can ask him about pretty much anything, he's like another one of my regular friends, except more and I kinda like him. Damn me...I always like the stupidest people. Of course he's going off to college, if he wasn't then it'd work out too well for me. I want to keep him as a friend but I'm not sure how he feels about that...I think he still feels weird that I like him...I just dont know, and I don't think I ever will unless he brings it up magically one day......I just don't know. I just want to stay in touch and be like normal...I'd really like to talk things out with him, especially since things feel so weird, but I don't know how, I'm really bad at that kind of thing. I get confused and flustered whenever I have something important to say, and usually end up regretting whatever I did and looking like a complete ass. I don't want to do that.
I've said that like, 90 times now haven't I? I apologize, I just can't think straight, this is effecting me too much. I hate it when I fuck things up on my own, I regret so many things...I didn't want this to be one of them. It's so nice to have somebody you can turn to when you have a problem and instantly they can make it better...that's what it's like with him. He can always cheer me up or make me feel better about situations...and I fucking blew it. Son of a fucking bitch....
This is kind of funny that it means so much to me...I have no idea how he feels though, which is why it's driving me crazy. He never talks to me on his own anymore, and like I said, when I try to talk to him the conversation dies in about 5 minutes. It seems like he is really uncomfortable, now that he knows. I think that I should be the one to feel uncomfortable, but I'm not, so he shouldn't be either. I just want to stay friends...and talk this out. Damn, I'm so repetitive...I can't think straight. I've also said that too.......fuck.
I'm going to quit dwelling now. Ciao....
so...........
I am writing in this for no reason, I figure. Nobody (except Amanda) will probably read this. Good.
Right now I'm talking to Mike. I've been talking to him for the past 2 1/2 hours......and that part I like. What I don't like is what we've been talking ABOUT. That would be who all he's liked....and who all I've liked. He didn't seem phased by the list....it went "mike, jamie, gentry, you, chris, stanford, and alex (long time ago)". The "you" didn't matter. Ah well, heaven forbid that something good comes my way that I don't fuck up. See, he is a good thign that came my way. He's nice, sincere, dependable, funny, supportive, and makes me feel important
so of course I'm going to fuck things up. He knows I like him...he asked and I first of all lied to him, and then acted like a 7 year old about it. I apologized for all of that...but still, it seems akward now. Before we could talk for like 5 hours, about anything and everything, but now it seems pressed for 15 minutes. Which is why the 2 1/2 hour part is exciting. He's graduating in 3 days...or something like that...and it's really depressing me. Sadly enough, even though I've only gotten to know him this past month, he's one of the best friends I've had this year. He's been so nice and genuine, and we are so much alike, it amazes me. I don't think he likes me, and even if he did he says he doesn't want to date high school girls, since he's going to college.
I think my biggest wish of all would for him to just stay friends with me over the summer, and we can make our video that makes fun of the band drama (well he can help), and things be like before. I liked the way things were before he confronted me...he's such a nice person. He liked Erin Chappell...that just gags me. Seriously....he asked her to prom....Lord, I jsut wanted to strangle myself when he said that. Big shock to me, I wasn't aware...
But I can't tell how he feels. I don't know if he's ok with everything or if he still feels weird, or what. Before he used to always IM me whenever he got on, but now he doesn't, and I feel like when I talk to him on my own he doesn't really care. I should have never told him I liked him...I should have denied, denied, denied......Lucy is trying to figure out how he really feels, since I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to ask. I just want to stay friends with him, even when he's at college, he is smart and I can ask him about pretty much anything, he's like another one of my regular friends, except more and I kinda like him. Damn me...I always like the stupidest people. Of course he's going off to college, if he wasn't then it'd work out too well for me. I want to keep him as a friend but I'm not sure how he feels about that...I think he still feels weird that I like him...I just dont know, and I don't think I ever will unless he brings it up magically one day......I just don't know. I just want to stay in touch and be like normal...I'd really like to talk things out with him, especially since things feel so weird, but I don't know how, I'm really bad at that kind of thing. I get confused and flustered whenever I have something important to say, and usually end up regretting whatever I did and looking like a complete ass. I don't want to do that.
I've said that like, 90 times now haven't I? I apologize, I just can't think straight, this is effecting me too much. I hate it when I fuck things up on my own, I regret so many things...I didn't want this to be one of them. It's so nice to have somebody you can turn to when you have a problem and instantly they can make it better...that's what it's like with him. He can always cheer me up or make me feel better about situations...and I fucking blew it. Son of a fucking bitch....
This is kind of funny that it means so much to me...I have no idea how he feels though, which is why it's driving me crazy. He never talks to me on his own anymore, and like I said, when I try to talk to him the conversation dies in about 5 minutes. It seems like he is really uncomfortable, now that he knows. I think that I should be the one to feel uncomfortable, but I'm not, so he shouldn't be either. I just want to stay friends...and talk this out. Damn, I'm so repetitive...I can't think straight. I've also said that too.......fuck.
I'm going to quit dwelling now. Ciao....